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Updates: “Friendly Foul” Responds

It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing today. After the jump, we hear from “Friendly Foul” who had been “banned” from her good guy friend’s life by his new wife. “During a drunk moment with Holly,” she wrote, “right before their wedding, I let slip that Devon and I had some of those awkward friends-thinking-about-being-something-else moments. Apparently, Devon never told Holly about them, and her reaction was to ban me from speaking with Devon ever again, including defriending me on Facebook.” After the jump, find out if the LW is still banned from Devon’s life.


I did what you suggested and wrote a text message note to Devon in October. I received no response from him. Over a month later, just a few days ago, I received a text message from his phone number, but clearly not from him. It reads as follows:

‘Listen you f***ing C*NT. Stay away from my husband or I will ruin you. Grow up and stop being a disrespectful pig. I’m sorry your marriage is shit but that doesn’t give you license to interfere with mine. Get it through your head- Devon doesn’t want you, he never did and never will. Now that he knows what a disruptive disloyal person you are you have no place in his life at all. You clearly don’t know who you are messing with.’

Needless to say, I definitely wasn’t expecting that response. At this point my family and I are on alert for anything, wondering if we’re going to have to take steps to protect ourselves from Holly. I understood why she decided she didn’t want me in their lives, but this kind of a response seems way off the deep end. At this point even if Devon and I ran into each other on the street I would run the other direction. I can only hope that he’s happy and that they are happy together, because that type of a response makes me believe that Holly is crazy.

I can’t help wondering if he knows that she sent the message, but regardless, we’re taking steps to protect ourselves.

 
Woah. I guess you won’t be getting a Christmas card from this this year.

If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at wendy@dearwendy.com with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.

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{ 106 comments… add one }

avatar Calmly December 15, 2011, 12:06 pm

Honestly it makes me wonder what he’s been telling her and what she found….because there’s two sides to every story…

avatar Lynn December 15, 2011, 12:07 pm

Uh oh. She dropped the C-bomb.

I hope you didn’t respond back to the text. Us girls do have the tendency of always wanting the last word.

avatar Painted_lady December 15, 2011, 12:09 pm

I hope you saved that text because you might need it if you have to file a harassment complaint. I was of the opinion that you unnecessarily spilled at such a delicate moment for her, but bitch be crazy. Whatever happened to being polite?

avatar Matcha December 15, 2011, 12:09 pm

Psychic commenter from the previous letter: “Eek, though, it could be scary if Holly hears that LW contacted Devon behind *her* back…………………”

avatar Matcha December 15, 2011, 12:12 pm

Although it’s telling that 1) he didn’t even respond to your text 2) he left it on his phone, and I’m guessing she searched through it and then penned that text to you when she discovered it.

avatar oppositeofzen December 15, 2011, 12:17 pm

I would wonder if he saw it, but if there was a month between sending it and getting that response, I would say so.

avatar ele4phant December 15, 2011, 2:14 pm

Yeah, the fact that it came a month later makes me think Holly was digging, found it, and immediately fired back a response.

avatar lk December 15, 2011, 12:44 pm

oh, yes ! lol, i am psychic : )

wendy, did you ever get my email about clairvoyant dreaming ? that was a serious inquiry : /

avatar oppositeofzen December 15, 2011, 12:16 pm

Well that responding text seems a little… extreme. Keep a copy of the message, but avoid them at all costs.

avatar Allison December 15, 2011, 12:20 pm

She definitely rules that relationship. I guess Devon wasn’t that good of a friend or he would’ve fought to keep his friendships. No doubt he will come to regret that choice. As least you tried LW.

avatar Something More December 15, 2011, 12:25 pm

Yikes. Bitches be crazy.

Yeah, I’m going to go ahead and say LW probably dodged a bullet with this one. Honestly, I don’t think the timing in which their past was brought up mattered at all. If it EVER came up, I think this is how Holly would have reacted. It sucks you had to lose a friend, but hoping that he’s happy is probably the best you can do.

avatar ReginaRey December 15, 2011, 12:25 pm

Yikes. You weren’t kidding when you called her “intense.” I think what baffles me most is that your friend MARRIED this woman. I mean, wouldn’t this kind of cray-cray behavior be evident to him? Why do dudes marry crazy ass women?

avatar AKchic December 15, 2011, 12:51 pm

“Crazy ass women” = great sex. Duh.

avatar bethany December 15, 2011, 1:14 pm

My thought exactly!

avatar McLovin December 16, 2011, 4:23 am

truth

avatar Hana December 15, 2011, 1:32 pm

I don’t know… we don’t know anything the LW said to provoke his wife. And as a man, when you marry someone, she should come before friends. Thats a part of being married. There are a lot of holes in LW’s story, and I can’t help but think she’s leaving things out on purpose or she doesn’t think what she said was a big deal, but it might be. We also don’t know what the husband admitted about the relationship to his wife. I don’t like my husband being friends with women he used to sleep with, especially the ones that blatantly flirt with him in front of me or through texts. Thats disrespectful towards our marriage.

Kate Kate December 15, 2011, 12:31 pm

I re-read the original post, and didn’t see where Wendy suggested you send a text. Anyway, really, you’re concerned about your safety? That seems a little extreme. I also hope you didn’t respond to the text or bring it to Devon’s attention. Just move on, and consider you learned a lesson about over-sharing.

Also, it sounds like there’s more detail to this story that we’re missing. I doubt this woman is so “crazy” as to say what she said in that text just on the basis of your having innocently mentioned that you and Devon once thought about dating. That just doesn’t add up.

avatar Sue Jones December 15, 2011, 12:37 pm

No, I do think this woman is crazy. There are crazy women like that. I, unfortunately, in my younger years, met one of them. Crazy, dramatic and with a French accent to boot. Yikes!!!

avatar Ktfran December 15, 2011, 12:42 pm

Agreed! I think this women overreacted in the first place to the LW’s accidental overshare. Now, calling her the C word. That’s just uncalled for and a bit unhinged.

avatar oppositeofzen December 15, 2011, 12:59 pm

A good friend of mine’s former fiancee was just like this. I’ve gotten the 2 AM phone calls bitching me out because her fiance called me to chat earlier that afternoon. LW needs to just drop it and move on with her life.

Kate B. Kate B. December 15, 2011, 1:27 pm

Crazy, dramatic and with a French accent? I think she was my downstairs neighbor.

avatar Jac December 15, 2011, 12:42 pm

Wendy’s advice: “Reach out to Devon first and apologize for sticking your big ol’ foot in your mouth.”

avatar Rachel December 15, 2011, 12:43 pm

I thought the same thing. I wondered exactly what this text to Devon said… Wendy suggested sending an apology, but I highly doubt this woman would have replied that way to an apology. More likely the text was an invitation to hang out or catch up, and the wife took it the wrong way.

She totally sounds crazy, but I do think the LW probably did or said something that she’s not telling us about to set the wife off.

avatar Taylor December 15, 2011, 12:47 pm

It doesn’t add up…unless Holly’s insecure and a bit nutty about hangin’ on to her man. I had a good friend who’s wife is like that – when they got together, she put the kibash on him contacting any of his old female friends in any way that wasn’t totally run by her. This is a guy I’ve known since grade school, and they are in their mid-30s now. Many of us dropped out of the picture because of her constant freaking out and picking fights.

I don’t know if Devon knows that she was sending the text, but it seems to me he doesn’t. If my SO wrote someone a message like that on my phone, I’d be pissed.

avatar Carolynasaurus December 15, 2011, 12:47 pm

I COMPLETELY agree with you. Why on Earth would you text the guy? If you had really wanted to get in contact with him WITHOUT angering the wife, you call him from a payphone or something, hope he answers, and try to plead your case. Why? Because it can’t be traced back to you if all the shit hits the fan. There’s no evidence if he decides to not fight to get you back in his life. You were secretly hoping it would make him fight for your friendship and it didn’t and you got caught after she clearly told you to stay away. So you should listen this time, stay away from this guy. They have both made the decision for you.

From this text alone, I doubt you need to worry about your safety. People can say things that are a lot more intense when they can hide behind a computer or phone screen. Just go read any of the comments on the Huffington Post…

avatar caffeinatrix December 15, 2011, 1:36 pm

Just saying, and maybe this is slightly off topic, but… A pay phone? Maybe it’s just where I live, but I can’t even remember the last time I saw one, let alone used one.

avatar Carolynasaurus December 15, 2011, 1:44 pm

Haha, yes, they do still exist. But I just meant that she’d have to be an idiot to call from her own phone.

avatar Painted_lady December 15, 2011, 2:22 pm

Yeah, except I don’t know a lot of people who answer calls from numbers they don’t know anymore. Which means she would have to leave a voicemail or call back, and then she’s in the same boat as before.

mandalee mandalee December 15, 2011, 1:46 pm

While I don’t even know where to find a payphone, I think sending a text message was a bad idea. You can’t convey tone in a text message properly 90% of the time, so who knows what she sent. Maybe it was “hey can we talk about when your fiance when ape shit crazy the other night” or maybe it was “hey really sorry about that slip-can we talk so your fiance doesn’t hate my guts”. I can be pretty fiesty but I would call someone the c-word to an apology even if I did hate their guts.

So either we are missing some big information, or the wife just hates this women’s guts, unfair or not.

avatar Splash December 15, 2011, 2:30 pm

That’s the thing. Holly already was obviously feeling insecure about the relationship between the LW and Devon…and then the LW sends a text to Devon (and leaves Holly out of it). To someone insecure (Holly), the LW could be seen as trying to maintain contact/interest with Devon – even if the LW just sent an apology.

The LW apologized to Devon…not Holly, and I could easily see Holly taking that as the LW continuing to move in on her man – thus resulting in the nasty-gram.

mandalee mandalee December 15, 2011, 3:14 pm

Exactly. As we know from Jerry Springer and Cheaters, there’s nothing that pours hot fire on an insecure girl like someone that appears to be moving in on her man. Not saying the C-word was called for, but I could see how changing the way you approach something, can vastly change the result.

avatar Matcha December 15, 2011, 12:51 pm

Wendy did suggest that she send a text to the guy and not Holly.

avatar Matcha December 15, 2011, 12:53 pm

Grr, it won’t let me edit my text. “While the LW definitely owes Holly an apology, I’d really caution against her talking to Holly behind Devon’s back. I think she needs to speak to Devon first, apologize to him, and ask his permission to address his new wife directly. She’s already done enough damage. She shouldn’t do or say anything that may potentially reignite an argument between him and holly without first getting Devon’s OK.”

“The relationship that the LW is most concerned with patching is the one she has with Devon, therefore, it’s most appropriate that she reach out to him first so that she can get his OK to approach Holly and he can advise how best to do so.”

So while we can all speculate that she sent some rude text, she didn’t text him just to cause drama. The advice she was given was about how to repair the friendship with her friend.

avatar Carolynasaurus December 15, 2011, 1:00 pm

I see where you’re coming from, but Wendy didn’t say “text” for a reason: it’s evidence! You call him from a blocked number or a payphone!

avatar Matcha December 15, 2011, 1:22 pm

But it seems so silly? Is she an undercover secret agent? A fugitive?

avatar SpaceySteph December 15, 2011, 1:36 pm

Haha yes. Better to use a burn phone- prepaid with cash, can’t be traced, throw out when you’re done.

avatar Carolynasaurus December 15, 2011, 1:40 pm

To the wife, yes, she is. If she didn’t want to create more drama and avoid stepping on the toes of a woman who openly doesn’t like her, she should have put in some more effort to not getting caught.

It can’t be both ways: either the wife is crazy and she should have taken measures to not get caught or the wife isn’t that crazy and the LW is causing drama. Either way, a text wasn’t the smart choice.

avatar Splash December 15, 2011, 2:31 pm

Until Holly finds out and then it looks even more fishy that the LW went totally out of her way to avoid Holly being involved.

avatar MsBorgia December 15, 2011, 1:14 pm

I agree. I would really like to know what the LW wrote in her text!!

avatar BGB December 16, 2011, 3:03 pm

I absolutely agree with Kate. The whole concerned about “safety” seems a bit drama queen on the part of the LW? Plus… like Wendy responded, she was VERY wrong in revealing what she did to the woman and WHEN she did. Why does she think Devon wouldn’t be mad that she did that and made his fiancee so uncomfortable? Absolutely agree that its time to move on and forget about it.

avatar mf December 15, 2011, 12:35 pm

Yowza, this chick is crazy. While it wasn’t smart of you to say the things you did to Holly, I agree that this response is way off the deep end. She’s obviously threatened by your relationship with Devon.

I find it weird that she sent this message a month after you texted Devon. I bet he hid the message and when she found it, she went ballistic. She may even have assumed that you and him were texting for several months behind her back.

avatar Sue Jones December 15, 2011, 12:35 pm

Oh, poor man! I fear for him. Stay away. Far far away! She is psycho. I would consider taking a threatening letter like that to the police. She sounds like a real bunny boiler (giving away my age, here)! And say a little prayer for him, while you are at it…

avatar Renee December 15, 2011, 12:41 pm

Wonders what Devon thought, when he learned his wife sent that text? Can we assume she deleted the history of the text, after she sent it.

TaraMonster TaraMonster December 15, 2011, 12:41 pm

I guess I’m the only one with a dissenting opinion…

I find it odd that you included exactly what Devon’s wife’s response was, but not your original text. What you did was way out of line and I don’t blame her for still thinking you’re trying to interfere with her marriage. The message was too virulent to have come without a fair amount of provocation. And this whole “protecting yourself” thing just sounds a bit dramatic. She swore at you and told you to stay away; she didn’t say she would come after you. I’m wondering who the crazy person really is in this scenario.

avatar Rachel December 15, 2011, 12:44 pm

THIS.

avatar Matcha December 15, 2011, 12:46 pm

Actually–one thing the LW didn’t update that I want to know (based on reading the letter) was what did you *actually* say to her in the first place? It’s so vague, and you explain that you guys got naked and whatnot but did you say that to her–or in even more details? In the first letter, most of the comments were “How could you say this the night/week/whatever it was before her wedding?” so I do find it odd that there’s such a 180.

However, I’ve met plenty of insane and irrational people.

TaraMonster TaraMonster December 15, 2011, 12:53 pm

That’s exactly why this update made me skeptical. She didn’t tell us to what extent she “let slip” that detail about her and Devon’s past. So when she again didn’t include her half of the dialogue, I just felt like the bits that would paint her in an even more damning light were being purposely left out.

avatar Matcha December 15, 2011, 12:56 pm

“OMG it was New Years and we were sooo drunk and we really wanted to do it, but he couldn’t get it up even though we tried tons of times! Isn’t that so funny?”

mandalee mandalee December 15, 2011, 1:47 pm

LOL

I still laugh at the LW thinking any kind of mention of this would have gotten an “that’s so hilarious” from this girl. Drunk or not- really?!

avatar Calle December 15, 2011, 12:57 pm

Exactly. If someone tried to tell me that “oh, I got naked with your soon to be husband and tried to give him a blow job but I was so drunk” the week or night before my wedding, I would be angry as hell. It would be tacky and I’m surprised so many people are being gentle to the LW. If she said something like Devon and I almost hooked up but I’m so glad we didn’t because it would have ruined our friendship and I see how truly in love he is with you, completely different ballgame. Still a strange thing to bring up so close to a wedding, but understandable if drunk, etc. I kind of doubt it though because I think LW would mentioned it in her letter. Nonetheless, I’m surprised people are being so gentle on LW. I think Devon is attracted to crazy chicks (Holly and LW).

avatar ele4phant December 15, 2011, 2:24 pm

I also kind of wonder about the comment “I’m sorry your marriage is shit” in the text response. According to the LW first letter, she has a happy and loving marriage. Did she maybe tell Holly or Devon otherwise, either during the drunken conversation or texted apology? Is Holly just projecting that, or did the LW maybe make some comments about how terrible her marriage was going and how great a guy Devon was (maybe giving the impression she wished she was instead with Devon – even if those thoughts weren’t supposed to be connected)?

avatar Splash December 15, 2011, 2:36 pm

Or, it could just be Holly thinking that because the LW is still contacting Devon, she must be trying to hop in bed with Devon – thus implying that the LW’s marriage is having issues leading her to find another man.

landygirl Landygirl December 15, 2011, 7:08 pm

Crazy Holly is projecting her own insecurities onto the LW. Obviously it’s Holly’s marriage that is shit since she is a whackadoodle.

avatar MJ December 15, 2011, 1:13 pm

While it definitely would’ve been nice to hear the text that prompted the response, I have a friend who got a FB message like this from a jealous wife, and I know she did nothing to prompt it. She had made out with the husband before he was even together with his wife, on a night they’d had too much to drink. She did not tell this to the bride at any point, although she did attend their wedding when invited (apparently that’s what sent the wife over the edge.)

Crazy wives (and husbands) are sometimes just crazy.

bittergaymark bittergaymark December 15, 2011, 1:16 pm

You know, I, too, thought it was decidedly suspect that her original text wasn’t included as well…

avatar Monica M December 15, 2011, 2:31 pm

I too think it is strange she didn’t at least tell us the gist of what she texted. I really think between this letter and the previous one the LW isn’t really being honest about her contribution to the problem. However, what I finally realized was that it took over a month for the wife to read this text and respond? Very strange. In the end even if the LW has done more than indicated to upset the wife the wife’s text is crazy.

TaraMonster TaraMonster December 15, 2011, 2:43 pm

Hey. I’m right there with you guys. I don’t think this is an either/or situation. I just wasn’t buying the update the way it’s packaged as a sort of absolution for the LW. It just sounded like LW was lying to herself -and being comically dramatic about it. Down the thread several people have mentioned that Devon probably attracts teh crazy and I’m inclined to agree with that!

avatar Splash December 15, 2011, 2:34 pm

I disagree that we need the text of the original message from LW to Devon. To me, Holly reads as really insecure as evidenced by cutting the LW out of her and her husband’s life completely because of their past history. The LW then goes and sends a text to Devon and totally avoids Holly. Holly easily could have interpreted this as a way for the LW to weasel her way back into Devon’s life resulting in a text response like the one quoted.

To someone insecure the only provocation necessary is the suggestion that the LW is continuing to contact her husband behind her back.

TaraMonster TaraMonster December 15, 2011, 3:30 pm

But I never said that we need it. I just think it’s fishy that she didn’t include it. As for reading Holly as really insecure, that may be true, but I don’t see how it’s relevant after what LW did! She gets to feel however she wants about some woman peeing on her husband like a poodle a couple of nights before their wedding. Can you really blame her for not trusting the LW’s intentions?

avatar Splash December 15, 2011, 3:44 pm

I’m not sure we read the same original letter then. The LW got drunk with Holly and shared that she and Devon thought about dating but didn’t, back before Holly and Devon were even seeing each other. While I think it was unnecessary sharing on the LW’s part, I am missing how that means that the LW was trying to mark her territory.

I’m not blaming Holly for being insecure, although to me it seems reeeally excessive. What I am addressing are all the posts about how the LW must have provoked the provided response. I don’t think that is necessarily the case at all.

TaraMonster TaraMonster December 15, 2011, 3:56 pm

Welp. I just don’t agree. That happens. Doesn’t mean I have lost the ability of English language comprehension or mixed up my letters! ;)

avatar Rachel December 15, 2011, 5:36 pm

She might just not even HAVE the original text, since it was sent a month ago.

avatar BlueBella December 15, 2011, 12:42 pm

My thought is you either left out a giant part of the story, or this girl is CRAAAAAAAZY.

Although my money’s on the latter. I know it sucks to lose a friend, but it’s probably best that you don’t have to deal with her anymore.

avatar Ktfran December 15, 2011, 12:45 pm

When the LW wrote in the first time, I thought this Holly chick was a little extreme, or insecure, or whatever. Now, with a text like that, I think she is a little crazy. However, with that being said, I would like to know what the LW texted Devon. I almost think she was digging herself a deeper hole.

At any rate, you realized this relationship has run it’s course and that’s good.

avatar Calle December 15, 2011, 12:51 pm

To be frank, LW, I think you left out a big part of the story. I was one of those people who thought the fact that you randomly brought that up so close to the wedding spoke of some sort of unconscious desire, drunk or not. I also thought it was a bad, bad idea to try and contact Devon behind his wife’s back. If you were going to do it, you should have tried to call once or e-mail and then left it alone. I think Devon’s wife is immature and crazy, but I also wonder what exactly it was that you texted Devon and the fact that HE did not respond to you for a month but later his wife did. His wife should have been mollified that he didn’t text you back and had no need to go all psycho. At the same time, she isn’t going to hurt you so stop over reacting. She is just trying to do general tough talk. I think both you and Devon’s wife have some issues with boundaries.

FireStar FireStar December 15, 2011, 12:54 pm

For all you know the wife sent the text to you with his knowledge. It doesn’t really matter. You sent the text to Devon – and got no reply from him. That is the most important piece of the story – clearly your friendship is over.
And I wouldn’t worry about being “ruined” – that takes far more time, dedication and money than most people are capable of. Just let it be a lesson in drunken revelations for you.

avatar Rachel December 15, 2011, 9:32 pm

BINGO!

bittergaymark bittergaymark December 15, 2011, 1:07 pm

Okay, yikes. That new wife is a batshit crazy psycho-bitch to be sure. That said, all of this could have EASILY been avoided had the LW just not blabbed something that really needn’t to be blabbed. Think before you speak people. Think before you speak. Because telling somebody that, “Oh, yeah, I kinda sorta almost banged your husband a while back…” on the eve of their wedding does NOT always go so well. Clearly.

avatar Calle December 15, 2011, 1:13 pm

Ha, my theory was Devon is attracted to the crazy. LW’s blabbing was not normal and a drama queen move. I laughed out loud at the whole “we are alert and taking steps to protect ourselves”. Holly sounds like she is off her medication. Two huge drama queens, in my opinion.

avatar haggith December 15, 2011, 1:30 pm

exactly!!!

TaraMonster TaraMonster December 15, 2011, 3:37 pm

Totally irrelevant, but your username always makes me think of Hagrid. And I’m a big enough Harry Potter geek that it makes me smile.

caitie_didnt caitie_didn't December 15, 2011, 1:30 pm

You know, I hate to reduce situations to “bitchez be crazy”, but seriously, bitchez be crazy.

Although it seems like there’s more than enough cray-cray to go around between the LW and Holly.

landygirl Landygirl December 15, 2011, 1:38 pm

Bazinga!

bittergaymark bittergaymark December 15, 2011, 1:47 pm

Wait. That makes no sense, Calle. You mean some guys are attracted to crazy psycho bitches? No way! Next you’ll be trying to convince that some women are hopelessly attracted to assholes who only treat them like shit….

Lili Seattle _lili December 16, 2011, 12:56 am

But BGM–its so much more fun and indicative of true love when I CHANGE him. With my love, and constant acceptance of his crap because that PROVES to him I love him !!!!! He’ll surely change after the wedding.

Amirite?!

landygirl Landygirl December 15, 2011, 1:15 pm

Honey, she is twisted. Holly deserves to be in the Fatal Attraction Boiled Bunny Hall of Fame.

avatar Sue Jones December 15, 2011, 1:29 pm

AH thank you! Someone ELSE knows what a bunny boiler is!!!! Yep, she is most certainly!!!

CatsMeow CatsMeow December 15, 2011, 1:17 pm

I think the woman is NUTS.

I think if one of my BF’s girl friends let some info slip right before my wedding, I’d be pissed – but more pissed at HIM because he hadn’t told me previously. Her anger is misplaced! And if she thinks the LW is trying to steal her man, then she should TRUST her husband not to stray. SHE’s the one with the ring on her finger. I mean, even if the LW still does want Devon… who cares? It doesn’t mean Devon’s going to take the bait. It definitely doesn’t give her the right to call the LW names and threaten her.

I had something similar happen to me. I had a friend, and at one point we thought about being more-than-friends, and we made out a little but never did anything else. That was that, and then we went back to being just friends. I got a boyfriend and moved across the country, and he got a girlfriend and she got pregnant. I called him up one day just to chat and to congratulate him on the pregnancy, and AFTER our conversation, I got a text from her similar to the one above. I was like…. she does know that I live 2000 miles away with my boyfriend, right? Anyway. YEARS later, I saw her at a concert- and she “bumped into” me – HARD – as in, on purpose almost knocked my ass over. I don’t even talk to the guy anymore. Some people are just crazy like that.

avatar Sue Jones December 15, 2011, 1:37 pm

My husband lived in my town 15 years, during his 20′s and early 30′s before we ever met. This town is just FILLED with ex-lovers of his (he got around!). I cannot imagine how I would need to twist myself into such a deep dark icky psychological place to even relate to or empathize where Holly is! Several of my husband’s exes were at our wedding! So WHAT!?!?!?!?! And if we went back to the city where I spent my 20′s the shoe would be on the other foot. This marriage will not last a decade! God forbid they should have children as I see a NASTY divorce in his future! (I’m psychic too!)

CatsMeow CatsMeow December 15, 2011, 2:04 pm

Yeah! Same here. I’m from a smallish town and whenever me and my boyfriend visit, we run into SOMEone I had a history with. Often multiple people. He doesn’t let it bother him.

And he’s friends with exes too. I think it’s a sign of maturity. If they still want him (and I don’t know or care if they do), then I completely get it – because in my eyes, he’s awesome, so who wouldn’t want him right? ;) He chooses to be with me. That’s all that matters.

Kate B. Kate B. December 15, 2011, 1:31 pm

I’d be nervous if I got a text like that. There are crazy people like that out there. (I lived with two of them.)

avatar *HmC* December 15, 2011, 1:35 pm

I personally don’t think a text like that is EVER justified, no matter how much you might think someone has interfered in your relationship. Even giving Holly the complete benefit of the doubt that LW was inappropriate, why wouldn’t you just ignore the LW or have Devon talk to her or talk to her yourself sans crazy text message? This is a crazy person, no matter how much the LW did or did not interfere. And she is now a part of this Devon person, he chose this person to marry, so what does that say about him? I would hit the ground running and never look back.

avatar mf December 15, 2011, 1:45 pm

Agreed. A lot of people here seem to think that LW provoked Holly since we don’t know what the LW’s text to Devon said. But not matter what that text said, Holly clearly isn’t dealing with this situation in a mature and sane fashion.

If Holly were secure and not crazy, she wouldn’t need to pull this “you don’t know who you’re messing with” thing. If she wanted to keep the LW away from her husband, she could have called/emailed the LW and said, “I’m not comfortable with your history with Devon. Please don’t contact us anymore.”

avatar MsMisery December 15, 2011, 2:08 pm

Yeah. “You don’t know who you’re messing with” translates to “I know how to boil a bunny.”

avatar Ktfran December 15, 2011, 2:05 pm

Perfectly stated HmC.

avatar caffeinatrix December 15, 2011, 1:59 pm

We don’t know if the LW was just trying to stir up drama. She may have chosen not to include her original text because she just didn’t think it said anything scandalous or inappropriate. Even if it did, Holly’s reaction is still way out there in crazybitch land. Some people are just super controlling and possessive of their significant others. I would let this go and avoid them if you can- nothing good can come from trying to contact either of them from this point on. Odds are, she’ll probably never try to do anything to harm you or your family, but just in case, you should save that text and any other communication from her, in case you ever need to file a harassment complaint.

avatar Sonia December 15, 2011, 2:04 pm

While I agree that a text was a bad idea, I can’t imagine anything said in a text could have been so bad to warrant THAT response. But I also feel like LW was maybe feeling in her gut a more aggressive (phone call?) reaching out might be more dangerous? Maybe it was her spidey sense tingling that said, hmmm, maybe I should reach out passively…I feel sorriest for Devon, who has to deal with a crazy wife, and I don’t think Holly is a real threat as long as LW stays away. I’m rarely angry enough to use the C word, but it just seems so damn excessive…

avatar MsMisery December 15, 2011, 2:07 pm

Holy shizballs. Even if you don’t respond, keep that message in case you need it for something. (Legal maneuvers, proof she’s a lunatic, etc).

avatar SGMcG December 15, 2011, 2:19 pm

I bet the LW’s original text read something along the lines of:

“Hey Devon. Sorry about all that wedding drama. Want to meet up for coffee and talk?”

Crazy would just interpret that as:

“Do me. Forget your future wife. Fuck me now.”

There is no stopping crazy when it is unleashed.

avatar Flake December 15, 2011, 2:47 pm

In my opinion, nothing justifies such a response. Even if she sent him a naked picture of herself offering to f*ck his brains out, a normal woman wouldn’t write that. Maybe call her on the phone and say that, but to leave “evidence” that she is a psychotic bitch?? Anyway, I would keep the message and definitely avoid both of them. Oh, and good luck to Devon, looks like he might need it.

avatar Painted_lady December 15, 2011, 2:59 pm

You know, to add onto my previous comment, a couple of people were speculating why Holly would have flipped her shit so intensely the first time, whether it was caused by the LW’s insensitive timing of her drunky-monkey confession to Holly or whether Holly decided Devon wasn’t allowed (who does that?) female friends after the wedding or something of that nature. I have a lot of good guy friends, and Painted Dude was my best platonic male friend for many years before we started dating. I’ve seen stuff like this happen, or I’ve been on the receiving end of it, where the new insecure girl grills her new boyfriend on his history, and as she prepares to meet his friends, male and female, she barrages him with questions about the females: “Did anything ever happen with Margie? Did you ever go out on a date? Did you ever have a drunken make-out session? Did you ever want to? Well, how much did you want to? More than you wanted to make out with me? Never? Really? Never? I don’t believe you!” Poor henpecked guy has two choices: he can either tell the truth and suffer her wrath for daring to have other women in his life in a romantic sense before his current lady and will more than likely be forced to cut them off (why anyone would agree to it is beyond me), or he can lie through his teeth and hope to god nobody ever tells her any differently. So, the LW dropping a bomb like that days before the wedding left Holly with two choices: either her fiancé is a liar and she’s marrying a man who lies to her (a forced lie, yes, but crikey) or to villify the LW and place all the blame on her. Devon, if confronted, might not have helped much – “What?! No!!! That never happened, Baby! She’s just angry because she always wanted me and it didn’t work out! Don’t believe a word she says!”

All of this is purely speculation, but several of my guy friends have been grilled like this. And I have a girlfriend whom I love dearly but who does this as well (btw, I have totally called her a controlling nutjob to her face). Painted Dude actually cut waaaay back on our contact when he was dating a woman EXACTLY like Holly. He made the mistake of innocently confessing he had had feelings for me in high school, and when they had broken up and I went to his house to get drunk and watch Monty Python to console him (in a decidedly nonsexy way), she showed up unannounced. And then the next day the convertible top on my car was slashed.

Sometimes bitches be crazy.

avatar Rachel December 15, 2011, 5:39 pm

This seems like a pretty realistic scenario actually.

katie katie December 15, 2011, 9:00 pm

god, painted lady, i was seriously going to say this exactly thing.

wow.

it reminds me of the personal essay the other day, about losing your best friend to another woman. i think its so sad. holly is seriously so insecure and crazy that she couldnt handle the fact that *gasp* sometimes people can be friends after the romance has ended- and i have never understood the “grilling” aspect of it, as if your SO is a suspect in a murder investigation… and in this case, it wasnt even really romance! they tried to do it, and it didnt work out. it is the female version of men not wanting to know about your past boyfriends because they “cant stand the thought of you with someone else”- its sick. my boyfriend has actually said that to me, and i was like, well, im not a virgin, so deal with it. and he still just doesnt want to hear it- he would rather scream “la la la” and run out of the room.

its sad.

avatar SpyGlassez December 16, 2011, 3:17 am

When the BF and I started dating, he introduced me to a couple of his female friends. I asked him point blank if they had a history after explaining that it was only because I wanted to know ahead of time. He said he’d had feelings for one of them, but they weren’t reciprocated, and he hadn’t minded being “friendzoned” because he realized that it was probably for the best. He did tell me his dating history not too long after we got together, because one of the ex-gfs sent him a Christmas card announcing that she had had a baby (apparently she’d been told she couldn’t have kids). It wasn’t until later that he told me she was the first one he’d slept with, but that didn’t bother me because I knew he wasn’t a virgin when we got together.

When I was growing up, my dad had a LOT of female friends. He was the “safe guy.” These gals would call at all hours wanting to tell dad their problems. He has kind of a white-knight complex, and he had a younger sister – he wants to fix everything for every female. It would drive my mom BATSHIT. I remember the screaming and yelling, the storming off, the times she took me out of my bed to drive me to my grandparents’ house because she was so furious and hurt and leaving with me was the best way to hurt him. My dad never cheated, but he quit having ANY friends outside the relationship. That was long ago and they were very young, and things are different now, of course. However, I swore then that I would never get jealous like that – I’d never let the crazy get the better of me. The BF has told me that knowing I won’t go all cray-cray helps a lot. He doesn’t mind telling me stories about his past when they involve other girlfriends. He doesn’t mind letting me know who the chicks friending him on Facebook are. He is trained in a field that is largely female-dominant, and he also participates in a sport where people take on “fighting names.” So I may see that someone named Amy has friended him; I ask who she is not because I am nosy, but because I want to know if it is someone i should know (i.e. is that Helvetica? Or Achoo?) or if it is someone from school.

avatar Fabelle December 15, 2011, 3:03 pm

Yeah, something is definitely missing here. The text Holly sent sounds crazy, but people don’t generally get to a point where they’re inclined to respond that way unless there was already plenty of drama preceding it. From her original letter and this one, I can picture the LW being one of those people who are always trying to stir shit up while pretending they don’t know what they’re doing.

mandalee mandalee December 15, 2011, 3:18 pm

Ahhhh, one of “those people”. I had a friend like that. She would text our friend’s boyfriends/husband suggestive things and heavily flirt with a guy when he was introducing us to his girlfriend, and go on and on about how she has “no idea why anyone would hate her, she’s just being nice”. I don’t miss her much.

avatar silver_dragon_girl December 15, 2011, 3:25 pm

Yep, I had a friend like that too. And honestly, this sounds like exactly the kind of thing she would do…and by that I mean BOTH Holly’s text AND whatever the LW did originally to start this whole snowball.

mandalee mandalee December 15, 2011, 3:36 pm

Agreed. They are both crazy in my book.

Budj Budj December 15, 2011, 3:59 pm

I like my bros. gf a lot…but she turns completely innocent interactions that my brother has (in public) with women he doesn’t even know…and she can contort it into whatever jealous delusion she wants….so there doesn’t always need to be a reason for it…just a “perceived” reason.

Budj Budj December 15, 2011, 4:00 pm

redundancy is redundant.

avatar Addie Pray December 15, 2011, 4:10 pm

I had a crazy girl leave harassing voice messages at my work. I didn’t do anything, I swear! I met a group of French speakers out for coffee – a sort of meetup event before meetup happened – and we all clicked and swapped numbers and made plans to meet up again – as a group! I emailed one of the guys a few days later about the date and location for our next meet up. We swapped a few emails back and forth about what I can’t remember; it was innocent I know. I think it was about where we should meet, etc. His wife saw my email and went nuts. She proceeded to call my work and leave several LONG voice messages cussing me out. And I swear there is no more to the story. It took me awhile to even figure out who she was talking about. The guy sent me an email apologizing about that. I never responded. I never met up with that French-speaking group again. My point is this: Holly may just be crazy. Sure, I’m sure there was a lot of drama between her husband and her, but I certainly did not do anything to warrant her actions to me!

avatar the other guy December 15, 2011, 10:52 pm

Don’t judge the wife to much, sounds like she has good reasons not to trust or like the LW. What appeared as harmless flirting/contact between her husband (to be at the time) and his ‘bestest female friend’ takes on a whole new face after she finds out that it only takes a few drinks for them to take it to a new level.

If the wife had sent this letter in it would have been, ‘Shortly before my marriage a woman who spent a lot of time with my husband and went drinking with him told me that she and him had tried to hook up after getting drunk. I don’t understand why she would tell me this just before the wedding. My husband was horrified when I confronted him and has since stopped all contact with her, now I find on his phone that she is still texting him. I sent her an angry reply telling her in no uncertain terms to leave him alone. What should I do if she continues to contact him?’

Want to bet what type of advice the posters here would be giving? My money would be on ‘that other woman is a no good husband stealing ****’.

avatar Sue Jones December 16, 2011, 10:36 am

Wrong. I would say, “lighten up and stop being so insecure.” I would say that perhaps the woman thought you could both laugh about their hookup that never was because they were destined to be friends and not lovers and this proves that he is all yours.

avatar Meredith December 16, 2011, 12:08 am

I think this wifey sounds nutso. My husband had an exgf who would call and text him a couple times a year. She lived in another state and they hadn’t seen each other in 5 years or so and the break up was friendly. After we got married, I asked him if he thought ex gf still had feelings for him, he said “Yes” I said “well, I’d be more comfortable if you didn’t have contact with her anymore if she still has feelings for you.” He said ok, next time she called he told her. Boom no more contact. That’s how a sane woman handles these things. Crazy butt women send texts like the above. No excuse for texting something like that. My guess is she was snooping through his phone and found it. She should have told her husband, “Please tell your friend not to contact you anymore.” But she didn’t because that would’ve required him to have contact again and the thought of that prob made her head spin. LW feel very sorry for him. It’s sad the friendship is over, but some guys just love the crazy ;)

avatar wendyblueeyes December 16, 2011, 8:14 am

Is it just me, or does someone else think that the crazy one here is the LW? I mean, c’mon, who tells a bride, “btw, the dude you’re marrying once had the hots for ME!” I think this LW loves drama.

avatar JJ December 16, 2011, 5:04 pm

LW, you did a very stupid thing when you drunkenly blurted out to the wife that you and Devon used to hook up. I have been drunk but have never said anything that I will regret later. That being said, although the wife went too far with the text message, i can understand why she did it. If I was the wife in that situation, I would definitely not include you to be a part of the wedding under any circumstances. I understand that you wanted to work things out with Devon but he is a married now-his wife comes first no matter what type of person. It really should have been your first clue not to even think about texting Devon, considering that you were not allowed to go to the wedding. You brought this on yourself and I do believe that you like to cause drama and really have no common sense. I wouldn’t say that she would do anything to harm you or your family-just delete Devon’s information and move on.

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