Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Updates: “Have Fiancé, Will Relocate” Responds

It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing today. After the jump, we hear from “Have Fiancé, Will Relocate” whose fiancé was unwilling to move to a town where she would have more room for career growth. Keep reading to see where things are with them since her letter was posted.

My fiancé and I have been going to counseling but so far, he won’t explore any compromises – not even moving to a city only a few hours away. He agrees that without moving, he’s essentially asking me to give up my career, which he acknowledges will likely make me very unhappy. So he suggested we go our separate ways.I am devastated. After four years of him discussing possible places to move if it didn’t work out for me here work-wise, after trying everything I can in his hometown to get ahead – small markets are hell for tv jobs – I’m heartbroken his hometown is more important to him than even considering a compromise to a town where we could both have our careers.

 
I’m so sorry to hear that. You must be heartbroken, but know that you will make it through this and one day you will look back and think of this as the moment your life veered into a different direction — one I hope and believe will take you much closer to where you’d like to be one day.

If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at wendy@dearwendy.com with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.

136 comments… add one
  • avatar

    Guy Friday February 20, 2012, 2:13 pm

    I wish I had seen the reply the LW left in the original thread before the DW Update this morning, and I apologize for not having seen it sooner. While rationally I know I probably couldn’t have done anything to avoid this inevitable result, I can’t help but feel that if I had seen her questions earlier, maybe it wouldn’t have gotten to this :-/

    LW, if you still want an answer to your original question from Feb. 1, I’m happy to answer it for you. I’ll spare it for now, since it seems moot at the moment. What I will say is that I’m very sorry that it didn’t end up working out between you and him, and I don’t think it was your fault any more than it was his. At least there’s a very important lesson here that you can take into your next relationship: you know now that a lack of portability/job flexibility is a deal-breaker for you, and you know now to check for that deal-breaker early on in the relationship. So while it’s painful, and while it sucks to lose someone you invested such a large part of your life with, you’ve grown from this, so at least there’s that silver lining.

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  • Jess

    Jess of CityGirlsWorld.com February 20, 2012, 2:25 pm

    Wonderful words from Wendy which I echo. It’s surely hard to see it now but Wendy is right. This is the fork in the road that you will eventually look back on and realize that from this moment your life changed for the better. Growth, wisdom, and eventually a new and better love —those are the wonderful potentials on your horizon now.

    An excerpt from the poem “The Different Stars” by W.S. Merwin that relates to this point (I’ve turned to this poem often in times of heartache):

    “what is it
    they say can turn even this into wisdom
    and what is wisdom if it is not
    now
    in the loss that has not left this place(?)

    oh if we knew
    if we knew what we needed if we even knew
    the stars would look to us to guide them”

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  • avatar

    kerrycontrary February 20, 2012, 2:44 pm

    LW, I am so sorry it didn’t work out between the two of you. I can only imagine how heartbreaking it is to put so much time, effort, and expectations into a relationship that ultimately didn’t work out. I hope throughout this whole process you realize that there is nothing inherently wrong with your or your ex-fiance, you just wern’t right for each other. And you are so fortunate to have figured this out now than after you were married. Good job on being courageous enough to recognize and speak up for the priorities in your life. You WILL find someone to share your life with that will also fit beautifully with your career aspirations.

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  • Lyra

    L February 20, 2012, 2:45 pm

    What. A. Douche.

    This just pisses me off. Doesn’t he realize that you can’t make a living WITHOUT A JOB?? In this economy, no job is safe. Hypothetically what if he loses his job and you’re unable to work because of lack of job potential in your location? He’s screwed, you’re screwed. You’ve exhausted your possibilities and have tried to compromise with him and he has plainly told you it’s not an option. That is not only inconsiderate, but incredibly disrespectful towards you. He has led you to assume for 4 years that things might change and he might move with you, but then in the end he decides that HE’S happy where he’s at and won’t make any compromises for YOU to be happy.

    I know it hurts like CRAZY, LW…but just think, if this was something he wouldn’t compromise on, just imagine some of the important decisions down the road — for example, raising a family. What if he told you that was something he was unwilling to compromise on? I think you dodged a bullet. AND…now you can go for those hot TV producers. 😉

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    • caitie_didnt

      caitie_didnt February 20, 2012, 2:48 pm

      Right? this is just the worst….I am so sorry for the LW that it’s turned out this way. I guess her fiance was a Captain Inflexible type after all.

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    • Leroy

      Leroy February 20, 2012, 2:58 pm

      I’m guessing that you didn’t read her prior letter, nor the accompanying thread.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark February 20, 2012, 3:20 pm

        Yeah. What an asshole! How dare he not give up everything… his job, his friends, being close to his family… just so she can go chase some pie-in-the-sky career… What a total fucking douchebag! I mean, hell, yeah! The world should totally revolve around her… Fucking asshole moron loser jerk for not wanting to sacrifice everything so she can chase her dream that probably won’t come true! Now they can’t suffer and be miserable together! Total. Idiot dude all around…

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      • avatar

        savannah February 20, 2012, 3:27 pm

        c’mon mark. A little empathy? might be refreshing for you.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark February 20, 2012, 3:29 pm

        I’m not commenting on the LW so much here per se, as the comments above mine going on and on about what a total douche the LW’s dude is. Actually, I thought that was pretty clear. But I guess not.

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray February 20, 2012, 3:30 pm

        I don’t think you need to worry about not being clear, BGM. 🙂

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark February 20, 2012, 3:32 pm

        And actually, I was in the LW’s EXACT same position. I went through a significant breakup because I just HAD to move to Hollywood so I could become this huge success as a writer… Trust me, my boyfriend made the right decision. I made the “write” decision — and, yeah, the unvarnished truth? That was a HUGE mistake.

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      • avatar

        savannah February 20, 2012, 3:33 pm

        it was ” just so she can go chase some pie-in-the-sky career” and “so she can chase her dream that probably won’t come true! Now they can’t suffer and be miserable together!” that prompted my comment.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark February 20, 2012, 3:34 pm

        And I speak from experience on that. Trust me, he is a very wise man. He is anything but a douche.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark February 20, 2012, 3:36 pm

        And remember, it’s one thing to give up everything to chase YOUR dream… Quite another to give up everything to chase SOMEBODY ELSE’S…

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      • avatar

        Emma February 21, 2012, 1:53 pm

        And a totally different thing to lead someone on, letting them think that you are willing to move with them. He had to have some reservations in those four years if he is now so stubbornly against moving. Even if he thought he might be able to move, he should have at least clued her in a bit more. And she, too, is at fault, for not asking more questions.

        No one is saying that not giving up your way of life for your significant other’s is douche-y. They’re saying that waiting until a point so late in the game (they were engaged, getting married this spring) to bring this up seriously is kind of a dick move. Doesn’t mean he’s all douche. Just insensitive and stubborn on this front.

        And really, Mark, not everyone is going to have the same experiences as you. You can’t assume that, if he had agreed to compromise, they wouldn’t have had a great life together.

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      • avatar

        savannah February 20, 2012, 3:38 pm

        I dont think he’s a douche either. I just think that when she says she’s devastated she really means it and further stomping is excessive.
        And just because you had a bad experience (which much have sucked, truly) does not mean everyone else will too.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark February 20, 2012, 3:44 pm

        Eh, again, my comment more directed to those that I replied directly to. I was satirizing them for what I thought was their completely unwarranted, hilariously biased blame-the-dude bashing…

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray February 20, 2012, 3:28 pm

        Well, here’s what I think: the BF wouldn’t leave his town for the LW, and LW won’t leave her career for the BF – it’s for the best that they both figured this out NOW and not after marriage and kids and a life-time of sadness. And I agree with you – there is nothing douchy about that. But sometimes you just need to hear “WHAT A DOUCHE!” regardless, and this is ONE OF THOSE TIMES! LW, your ex is a douchee!!!!!!! (LW can realize it was the best for both of them later.)

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      • Lili

        Lili February 20, 2012, 3:44 pm

        Agreed. All exes are douches for a full year post breakup!

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray February 20, 2012, 3:48 pm

        Sometimes 2 years. Usually not more than that though, unless the ex was an actual douche, in which case they remain a douche for-ev-er. It’s a rule somewhere.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark February 20, 2012, 3:53 pm

        I honestly don’t think that is healthy at all. I really don’t. My own friends who do that the most also are, curiously, or perhaps not, the one’s who have the MOST breakups, are the MOST SINGLE, and are definitely the MOST LIKELY to totally end up alone.

        They come out of EVERY relationship blaming the other party, namecalling, nothing is EVER their fault, it’s always somebody else’s. You know what, they are usually a million times flat out wrong on this. They fail to learn anything, and also fail to grow as a person… They are decades behind the rest of us… And then, they keep wondering why-oh-why their relationships ALWAYS have to end so badly…

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      • Lili

        Lili February 20, 2012, 4:29 pm

        I ALMOST posted a ‘but the world revolves around me an the kardashians and anyone who disagrees is a douche’ comment just to bug you Mark. But then I decided not to bring that all up again. Or did I :S LOL.

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      • avatar

        Zepp February 20, 2012, 4:35 pm

        i agree i think its a sign of major immaturity. plus hating someone is no better than still loving them. indifference (the goal) comes from acceptance and objective understanding of the situation, not blind/stupid anger.

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      • Will.i.am

        Will.i.am February 20, 2012, 4:46 pm

        This is true. The people I know that call their ex’s douches are the one’s that end up being serial daters and and serial relationship havers. A lot has to do with not wanting to take responsibility, like you said, and grow up mentally. It’s much easier getting in another bad relationship and wondering why 3 months down the road you are miserable and sad.

        I was talking to my coworker last week about cooking and she was impressed that I even knew what a mixer was. She obviously felt the only thing men knew how to do was grill, since that is usually what we do the most. I don’t take offense to it at all, but I do like that fact that I’m open to exploring in the kitchen.

        Like you BGM, it’s much better for this relationship to fail now, than to fail when you have taken a vow along with many other things. Break ups are hard, but they also give you the opportunity, everytime, to step back and rearrange your priorities in life. Now, he can stay in his small town and do what he wants to do, and she can travel off to where ever she needs to go to gain employment.

        Just because you love and care about someone, doesn’t mean you are willing to uproot your life for them. Relationships require a lot of compromise but finances is an area where even I’m leery about changing for anyone. If the relocation doesn’t work, you are left holding the bag of shit.

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      • avatar

        6napkinburger February 20, 2012, 8:45 pm

        Except if they really are one. Cheating on you with your (ex) best friend while you were sleeping down the hall, making up fake names to talk to you online after you’ve broken up, asking roommates creepy questions about their bra sizes, constantly contacting your friends when you’ve asked them not to who’ve they’ve never met, etc.

        Sorry, he’ll always be a douche in my head (or rather a horrible person in my head), because he is one in real life. (And yes, this was college, hence the young-ish sounding transgressions.) I actually do feel bad for his wife, because I can’t imagine she knew what she was getting into. But I’m not bitter 10 years later. If anything, I’m disappointed in myself for ever putting up with that. Sometimes a douche is a douche is a douche.

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray February 20, 2012, 4:51 pm

        Well, I’m really good friends with all my exes, so I don’t really practice what I’m preaching here. (Hey, there was a reason why we dated – we had a lot in common and I respected them.) But that moment when you’re getting dumped sucks so bad – SO BAD – it’s hard not to feel anger. It takes time to get to the place where you realize the relationship wasn’t working and you’re better off apart.

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      • avatar

        Temperance February 20, 2012, 4:39 pm

        Seriously? He refused to do anything to make a compromise with her, including moving a short distance away. It’s not “giving up everything”.

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      • avatar

        Francine February 20, 2012, 5:04 pm

        True, he wasn’t willing to compromise on what was important to him, location. What compromise was she willing to make regarding what was important to her, her career?

        Living in his hometown was more important to him than seeing her happy in her career and having her dream job was more important to her than seeing him happy in his hometown.

        What’s more important, money, home, career, family, friends? Depends on who you ask. These two just weren’t compatible enough to stay together for the long haul. It happens. Now they move on, hopefully a little wiser for the experience.

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      • avatar

        Zepp February 20, 2012, 5:05 pm

        She said they lived in the biggest city in their state and she considered it a small city… I doubt there is a bigger one a “short distance away.” So i don’t think the “compromising” would really work too well. 2 hours away or 8 hours away, he’d still be away from all his work contacts and family and friends.

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      • avatar

        Francine February 20, 2012, 5:35 pm

        I agree. Her idea of a compromise was probably no compromise at all to him. I should have said “he rejected her idea of a compromise” rather than he wasn’t willing to compromise. My point was that she was giving up nothing in this compromise.

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      • avatar

        Caris February 20, 2012, 7:22 pm

        Mmm.. maybe I missed something and I am sorry if I did. But…

        If I read it correctly, he gave the impression before that he would be willing to move some place else if it didn’t work out for the LW in his hometown; and now he changed his mind and it sucks, because the LW was under the impression that he would move if it was necessary for her career. If they moved a short distance away, like the LW mentioned, he wouldn’t be giving everything up, and he would be able to visit his family quite often. If I recall correctly (maybe I don’t) the main reason why he didn’t want to move was his family and friends and not his job. So again, if they moved nearby he could get another job and still see his family and friends. She compromised her career for 4 years by staying in his hometown and she did it because she wanted to be with him, but after exhausting all possibilities she realized she needs to move and unlike her, he is not willing to compromise anything at all.

        I mean, it sounds like he knew all along that he would not move away for her, but decided to not mention it until now…

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      • avatar

        Francine February 20, 2012, 7:55 pm

        I guess we can only assume what was going on in his head but I read it as he meant what he said at the time that he was saying it. But when the time came to make the move he wasn’t able to. Could be that he didn’t think it through thoroughly at first or his feelings for her were stronger when he said he’d move.

        If they moved a reasonable distance it’s true that he might be able to visit friends and relatives fairly easily and he would be compromising by not living among them as he’d like to. But in that scenario where is her compromise? Or was it her her turn to compromise when she spent 4 years living where he wanted and now it’s his turn to compromise by finishing out the rest of their relationship where she wants to live?

        It truly does stink that she spent 4 years thinking he’d relocate for her career and that it turned out not to be the case but is there really a fair way to compromise here? Is there a way that she can find fulfillment with less of a career than she had hoped for and he can venture away from the place he wanted to stay and still be happy? I think no natter how you slice this one of them is going to get the short end of the stick and that’s a recipe for resentment.

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      • becboo84

        BecBoo84 February 21, 2012, 11:24 am

        I think you’re missing the part where he had previously committed to moving with her in order for her to advance her career, and then when it came down to it, he went back on his word. That is the crappy part IMO.

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      • Lyra

        L February 20, 2012, 3:29 pm

        I did read the letter and skimmed the thread. I read it in more detail just now but I stand by my opinion. He didn’t tell her that he absolutely wasn’t going to move until recently. Should one or both of them have brought it up in conversation? Probably. But the fact that he is unwilling to make ANY compromise is what really bothers me. There are plenty of ways to make things like this work and it doesn’t sound like he’s even considering any of it. There are compromises in every relationship. Just because he is grounded in his hometown doesn’t mean that he needs to stay there his entire life. He’s not even weighing the LW’s needs in these decisions, which is absolutely not fair to her.

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      • avatar

        Francine February 20, 2012, 3:40 pm

        I have to reserve judgement on the compromise thing. Location was his issue and today the lw only mentioned a possible compromise regarding that. Sounded to me like she could still go after the career she wanted from the city only a few hours away. Her issue was her career and no mention was made of a compromise in that area such as considering a related field.

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      • avatar

        MarieDC February 20, 2012, 4:32 pm

        You can’t really compromise over where you want to live…either you want to live in some place or you don’t.

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      • avatar

        Francine February 20, 2012, 5:14 pm

        Sure it’s possible. My dad always wanted to retire to northern Michigan. He want didn’t want to spend he rest of his life in the suburbs. My mom despised the idea of living “in the middle of nowhere” as she put it. They ended up moving to an area about 40 min outside the suburb we grew up, where there are still a few farms and they can have a 5 acre lot but mom is still 15 min from a grocery store and 30 min from a big shopping mall. Not either one’s ideal but they both got a little of what they wanted.

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      • Leroy

        Leroy February 20, 2012, 5:48 pm

        I suspect that his willingness to consider moving with her was predicated on her having a job in the city that they would move to. But that’s not the case. She wants to move somewhere in the hopes of finding a job. So it’s not appropriate to assume that he’s been leading her on. And there’s really no compromise. The only person who could reasonably compromise in this situation is her, by moving to the city a few hours away and maintaining the relationship from there. But she doesn’t want that, she wants him to follow her wherever.

        I think that the LW may want to consider whether she actually has much of a career. And that’s not to be harsh, but if she’s found herself stranded with no prospects after 8-10 years on the job, she may not have the career trajectory that she needs to really be successful.

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    • avatar

      Rachel February 20, 2012, 3:25 pm

      I don’t think he’s a douche, I think they clearly just weren’t meant for each other.

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      • avatar

        MissDre February 20, 2012, 3:29 pm

        I agree with you. He’s not a douche. I wouldn’t give up my home-town, my friends or my family either. I’ve already experienced living in another city and I couldn’t stand it. You’re right in that they just weren’t the right match for each other.

        LW, as others have said, now is the time to go after what you want. No regrets.

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    • avatar

      Zepp February 20, 2012, 3:35 pm

      you should read some of the comments on the original letter with more info about the ex-fiance’s career. He was not being a douche. It’s just a sad situation but neither party is to blame.

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    • Lyra

      L February 20, 2012, 6:10 pm

      Whoa. Looks like I unintentionally opened up a can of worms on this one.

      Look, the reason why I think the guy is being a jerk is simply because he isn’t considering the LW’s needs in this. She is looking for advancement in her career. He has tied himself down to his hometown…in order for things to work in a relationship, BOTH parties need to be willing to compromise. With the information we have on this dude I don’t see him making any sort of compromise. They could move to a town that’s closer to a larger town for her but still within driving distance for him to keep his job. They could live in his town for a year or two and then once she finds a good job they could move. It’s completely unfair for her to be the only one who has to make sacrifices. In the past 6 months I’ve been in a similar situation in trying to decide what next year has in store for myself and my boyfriend as we try to transition from long distance. I’ve felt like the LW in the fact that there have been things my boyfriend was incredibly stubborn on and (at first) wouldn’t compromise on. I tried to find a middle ground and he just wasn’t meeting me in the middle. It is the worst feeling in the world when the person you love is unwilling to make sacrifices on your behalf. Heck, I’ve been in the fiance’s shoes too where I was the one being stubborn and wouldn’t compromise. For what it’s worth, if the roles were reversed and she was the one attached to her hometown and her boyfriend wanted to move I would think that she was the one who was being unfair.

      I think we all need to just agree to disagree on this one…

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      • avatar

        Francine February 20, 2012, 6:23 pm

        I agree that neither one of them should be the only one sacrificing and if they stay in his hometown she would be the only one giving up something that’s important to them. But if they move so her career can advance, whether it’s 3 hours away from where they live now or 2 days from where they live now, what has she given up? Where’s the compromise?

        Compromise is meeting in the middle but not necessarily physically. She seems to think that a city in between where they both want to live is a compromise. But it would only be a true compromise if they each were giving up something of similar importance to them. THAT’S where the middle ground is.

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      • avatar

        Betty Boop February 20, 2012, 9:29 pm

        He realized he couldn’t compromise so he ended the relationship. That’s what people should always do when you realize you can’t both be happy in a relationship. Perhaps he gave her false hope, perhaps she turned a blind eye, there’s not way to accurately know. How is he a jerk for realizing he could not do what it takes to make her happy and ending the relationship? It hurts and she has every right to grieve but hating on the guy is missing the point.

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  • caitie_didnt

    caitie_didnt February 20, 2012, 2:46 pm

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  • landygirl

    landygirl February 20, 2012, 3:06 pm

    Sorry to hear this LW. Hopefully with time and distance you’ll see that this man wasn’t the right man for you. It is devastating to find out that the person you planned on spending your life with only planned to spend it with you as long as it was on his terms.

    Look back at other times you’ve had to compromise…was he rigid then as well? This is most likely not something that just happened, I’m sure he has been the way he is throughout your entire relationship but because you loved him, you choose to overlook it.

    You have a brand new life ahead of you, one that involves a career that you’re excited about and will thrive in once you’re in a city that presents more options for you. What seems like a devastating blow may wind up being one of the best things that could have happened.

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  • avatar

    Francine February 20, 2012, 3:14 pm

    So sorry to hear that things didn’t turn out the way you hoped they would. Don’t fall into the trap of laying blame though. It makes it so much harder to let it go and move on. Remember that you both made choices that affected your relationship. He won’t move from the location he loves. You won’t switch from the career you love.

    It hurts now but I think Wendy’s absolutely right. You will be happy again and you’ll be grateful that this moment helped get you get wherever you are.

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  • avatar

    jlyfsh February 20, 2012, 3:15 pm

    I’m so sorry LW that things turned out like they have. I hope you are able to hear Wendy’s words eventually and know that this was the best thing for both of you. Staying together would have meant a lifetime of being resentful for both of you.

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  • avatar

    CottonTheCuteDog February 20, 2012, 3:25 pm

    He sounds like a Mama’s Boy and he somehow didn’t learn the lesson in life that you need to “go where the money is”

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    • avatar

      Guy Friday February 20, 2012, 3:30 pm

      . . . except the “money” was in his current job. By that logic, the whole original letter was moot, since he was making money and she was struggling.

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    • avatar

      MissDre February 20, 2012, 3:36 pm

      Different strokes for different folks, but I’d rather be penniless with my mom, my brother and my sister around me, than rich and all alone with my family far away.

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    • avatar

      Zepp February 20, 2012, 3:39 pm

      or, “stay where the money is”. She didn’t have a job set up to move to- she just wanted to move in order to try.

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  • Budj

    Budj February 20, 2012, 3:34 pm

    Enough with the bashing on this one! He is not a momma’s boy nor a douche bag…that’s just like saying the LW is an errant dreamer who doesn’t know a stable relationship situation when she see’s one…how dare she make this guy choose between his established career (and family/friend situation) and her dreams.

    You can’t fault either of these people for choosing what is best for them despite the fact it means their relationship is over.

    Sorry things worked out like this for you LW, good luck in your career aspirations.

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    • avatar

      Zepp February 20, 2012, 3:39 pm

      ahh reason… there you are

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    • avatar

      Guy Friday February 20, 2012, 3:41 pm

      Thank you for emphasizing this. I don’t know why people feel like someone has to be blamed when a relationship ends. In this case no one can say that the LW is wrong for wanting to pursue her career in an area where there’s more potential for growth and promotion, and no one can say that the LW’s fiancee is wrong for wanting to stay in an area where he has his contacts and a steady career. On the flip side, the LW IS wrong for underselling the fiancee’s job portability (a fact she acknowledged several weeks ago in the thread), and the fiancee is wrong for not at least trying to contact the leads she provided him to see if it would even be feasible.

      But really, what else do you want from this? They discussed it, they disagreed, they recognized it wasn’t going to go away, and the fiancee stood up and said, “Look, you don’t deserve to be unhappy, and neither do I. I’m sorry, but we need to go our separate ways.” Wendy regularly advises people to have that conversation in exactly this kind of situation. I absolutely empathize with the LW, because it definitely sucks to lose someone you have been with for that long, but neither one of them deserves mud-slinging. Sometimes love simply isn’t enough to make a relationship work.

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      • Budj

        Budj February 20, 2012, 3:44 pm

        this is what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object.

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        Addie Pray February 20, 2012, 3:46 pm

        I disagree – when a relationship ends and you get your heart broken – you’re allowed to call the heartbreaker a douche – a big asshole – a horrible, horrible person! (I mean, how else are you supposed to start the healing process?) Then later you can realize he wasn’t a douche; he was just moving on because the relationship wasn’t right. (Am I the only one who does that?)

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        jlyfsh February 20, 2012, 3:52 pm

        i think us arguing about it vs. her feeling that way are two different things. And in this case it really seemed like a case of two people who wanted very different things from life.

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      • Budj

        Budj February 20, 2012, 3:53 pm

        Usually I go through a period of self-hatred and over-analyze everything I fucked up…and then unfortunately for my ex, but fortunate for the next one I upgrade from Budj.4 to Budj.5…

        I’m an equal opportunity over-analyzer though so I think about everything she fucked up too and use that to assess prospects in my hunt for GF.5…hopefully there is no need for version 6.

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      • Will.i.am

        Will.i.am February 20, 2012, 4:58 pm

        The idea of analyzing your past and better organizing your priorities for yourself and the potential next girlfriend. You and me need to grab and beer and chat sometime. We think so much alike.

        I never take my ex’s out on the new girl, but I always keep a mental tab if I feel they are doing something that the ex did, and that I couldn’t stand. People are going to be what they are most comfortable with. Some hate to clean, some hate to live alone, but that is who they are. You either except them for who they are or you don’t.

        There will be compromises in every relationship we have in life, but you really need to make sure you line up early on with the difficult stuff. Compromising for me should be more along the lines of I don’t want to see your parents this weekend, but since you do, I will go ahead and go with you.

        Compromising shouldn’t always have to be relocating to a new place. Maybe I’m a biased, because I have a career in my home town of 100k people, and my family lives within miles of me. It’s very hard to leave that safety net behind to venture into the unknown. I worked hard to gain the little bit of success that I have, and that’s something that will be very hard for me to throw away.

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      • Budj

        Budj February 21, 2012, 7:44 am

        Yep – I think you get to a point…eventually…where you stop trying to make things fit; as you said “accepting people for who they are.” And we also all need to learn about ourselves to know how to facilitate / know when you have a relationship that will work for the both of you.

        As far as a living situation I’m not completely against leaving my hometown, but if I were to leave mine for hers she would have to prioritize visiting my hometown as much as I would OR move to a completely new location…but moving is not very easy with my current day job since it’s fairly specialized, haha.

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      • Will.i.am

        Will.i.am February 21, 2012, 8:54 am

        Since I’ve been single, that’s been something I’ve had to learn the hard way. Instead of trying to convince someone to do things the “right” way, I just let them do things the way they see fit. If I don’t like it, I reevaluate and see if this type of behavior is something that I can put up with. If not, it’s time to decrease the conversation or move on completely.

        Everyone is made up of the past experiences they have endured. Sadly, many people kept making bad choices and can never see good people for what they are. They are so used to the ups and downs of drama, that they think that kind of behavior is normal. Stress free living (as possible) is normal, not an up and down roller coaster of emotion.

        I’m not completely against moving either, but it’s one of those things to where I’m securing a job in the area before I ever think about moving. I’ve kind of felt that is something you should do anyways. I don’t really ever see myself moving more than 5 or 6 hours from my hometown, so I can drive or fly back and forth for interviews.

        A few years ago I was dating a girl that wanted me to move to North Dakota with her so she could finish up her Med School. As sweet as she was, I was still in college and working on a career. It was too much for me to sacrifice to live her dream and pack up and move 2 or 3 times, because she was at the mercy of the Med School program.

        Relocating is much easier when you have a degree or the experience that allows it. Taking a leap of blind fate is something that has never ranked very high on my list when talking about my career and well being.

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        Guy Friday February 20, 2012, 3:54 pm

        Exactly. And if the LW was the one calling her fiancee a douche or an asshole or a horrible person, I’d be giving her the space to do so. I might say something to the effect of “I know you’re upset now, but I hope when you’re calmer and there’s some distance between this event and yourself you see X, Y, and Z”, but I’d give her the space. But that’s not what we’re talking about here; we’re talking about random internet people saying he’s a douche or she’s childish or whatever, and that shouldn’t be OK.

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        ktfran February 20, 2012, 3:54 pm

        A few days, or weeks, or whatever of bashing is absolutely necessary! It helps ease the pain. And then you finally realize it wasn’t right and you grow from that experience.

        Although, I have to admit, I prefer to do the bashing. Not others. Because a lot of the time, the ex has redeeming qualities. Otherwise, there never would have been a relationship in the first place.

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      • Budj

        Budj February 20, 2012, 3:59 pm

        Man Rule number one of interacting with women…do not talk down about their ex boyfriends..ever..even if it seems like they are baiting you to make a comment about a well-known personality issue they have……pretty sure most men realize that, haha.

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        Zepp February 20, 2012, 4:39 pm

        This is a universal rule! Along with insulting people’s families (even if they are in the biggest fight ever). It’s just never a good idea. It gets people on the defensive and after they come around and are no longer mad, they still remember what you said.

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      • Budj

        Budj February 20, 2012, 4:41 pm

        If it’s true I don’t hold it against them. I’m not going to blindly defend people like that…but yea…just bashing for the sake of bashing is lame.

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        Iwannatalktosampson February 20, 2012, 4:31 pm

        See I was never a break-up basher. It always made me feel worse. Like clearly i’m upset about losing this person in my life and now my friends want to tell me what a douche he was and how I wasted all this time on him? I always felt like it was minimizing my feelings. Plus if everyone thought he was such a douche why did you let me look like an asshole for the past two years??

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        Rachel February 20, 2012, 5:34 pm

        Ugh. This. When I broke up with my college (and a bit after) boyfriend, I had so many people that were like “you can do so much better than him”, or “I never thought he was right for you anyway”. Well, why did you let me take so long getting to that same conclusion? It just made me feel like an ass for dragging out the relationship as long as I did.

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        Addie Pray February 20, 2012, 9:49 pm

        I should clarify: I don’t think you should say “ugh, I’ve always hated your boyfriend; he was such an asshole, blah blah blah.” I mean, you gotta say “he’s a douche for breaking up with you; he is an asshole for not wanting to be with you; he will never find anyone as awesome as you; he will regret this later but it will be too late; he’s such a douche.” Voila! Eh, I guess this convo is over now but I just wanted to clarify. Do I think anyone could be a douche for deciding the relationship is not right and moving on? Of course not, but that’s not what I want to hear when I get dumped.

        Also, I’m watching Moneyball. There should be a rule where you are not allowed to make movies about baseball. I’m over it.

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson February 20, 2012, 10:25 pm

        Baseballs boring live…. A movie about it is just downright painful.

        But I feel you about the break up chat. I think it’s not a one size fits all convo. There are certain friends that I have to tell him how shitty he was to make them feel better…. Then there’s the friends that need to be told that this just makes them one step closet to finding the one…. Then there’s the friend that you have to get drunk and laid… Then there’s the friend that you just have to get drunk…. Then there’s the friend that needs you to give them a makeover and have some retail therapy….

        Anymore to add to the list?

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson February 20, 2012, 10:26 pm

        Fuck iPhones. I swear I’m not a crappy speller in real life.

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        Addie Pray February 20, 2012, 10:35 pm

        Good point. I’m the friend that needs to get drunk, and eat my feelings. And after too many days of that, I turn into the friend that needs to start doing Bikrim Yoga every day for the rest of her life to take her mind off dating and relationships forever. Day 51, baby!

        Seriously, this movie is still about baseball. I kind of hoped it would turn into a movie about a relationship or something – you know, that just happened to involve a guy who works in baseball – but no, it’s actually about baseball.

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson February 20, 2012, 10:41 pm

        I’m the drunk friend too!!! The drunk friend that has to have her cell phone taken away. I’m giving up eating my feelings for lent. That and alcohol because I was accidentally hungover again this morning. 6 days!!

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray February 20, 2012, 10:52 pm

        Oh. Mon. Dieu. Tuesday and Wednesday next week I will be thinking of you! And all you Feb. bar exam takers! God I don’t envy you. But I do envy how happy and drunk you will be Thursday at 5pm stat when it’s ALL OVER.

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray February 20, 2012, 11:02 pm

        Confession: I’m liking Moneyball!

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        Something More February 21, 2012, 9:25 am

        Came to this convo a little late, but I’m glad you were coming around to Moneyball. I thought it was such a great movie 🙂

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      • Lili

        Lili February 21, 2012, 12:33 pm

        Confession-I am all of the above. Man am I a high maintenance friend. I should call my best friend up and thank her. Repeatedly.

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        Zepp February 20, 2012, 4:41 pm

        i definitely don’t do this…. it helps me the most to look at the situation objectively. Getting myself more worked up and generating anger doesn’t dissipate the hurt, it just makes more negativity. I don’t think its wise/the best option and I don’t think it helps people to encourage it.

        So yea… I would say in a sad, but blameless situation like this, it doesn’t help anything to add negativity where when doesn’t belong or need to be there.

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        savannah February 20, 2012, 3:53 pm

        Maybe because only in the wendy-approved-ideal-relationship-world did it actually go down as him saying “Look, you don’t deserve to be unhappy, and neither do I. I’m sorry, but we need to go our separate ways.”
        People get upset, emotions are high and most people say things in the break up process that they probably don’t mean. So vilifying happens on both sides to justify, *even if they broke up for good sound reasons* and then both sides can move on. Ideally, we could all be rational and logical in a breakup process, but I don’t think that happens all too often.

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        Guy Friday February 20, 2012, 3:58 pm

        Again, that’s fine when it’s the LW or her fiancee villifying. And, yes, technically, we don’t know whether anyone posting here is the LW or not. But given that the comment that seemed to spur Budj’s original post was giving the LW advice, I think it’s safe to assume that that person ISN’T, in fact, the LW, meaning that it’s just some outsider calling the fiancee a douche.

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      • Budj

        Budj February 20, 2012, 4:02 pm

        yes.

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      • avatar

        savannah February 20, 2012, 4:05 pm

        right, but it’s not that an uncommon experience for friends and acquaintances to join in on the vilifying. And in the internets world where DW readers know details of the relationship and break-up, I’m not that surprised people are taking sides, it just seems natural to me.
        and yes I know I did just compare DW readers to the LW’s IRL friends. not sure how I feel about that.

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      • Budj

        Budj February 20, 2012, 4:06 pm

        If we just talk about the DW community as an entity itself we can make that ok, haha.

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      • avatar

        savannah February 20, 2012, 4:10 pm

        yes, lets go with that!

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark February 20, 2012, 4:10 pm

        Just because something isn’t uncommon, doesn’t mean it is at all healthy… (See my comments above regarding this.) I n my opinion, blaming the other person only creates a victim mentality, which, judging from the letters on here is already far too prevalent as it is… So stop with the hopelessly one-sided, childish blaming. Oh, it may make a person “feel” better, but it certainly doesn’t help them grow or change or learn from the experience. To the contrary it’s all VERY Junior High…

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        savannah February 20, 2012, 4:15 pm

        But I see it as a process that does involve growth and change. It’s not a stagnate position to forever be, but rather a common starting place where people can go onto other places or yes some people stay there, but not the majority I think. We just get too distracted by the next person in our lives to feel that much anger or bitterness about somebody in the past. I think you’re asking too much at once, when there are lots of changes happening fast.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark February 20, 2012, 4:20 pm

        All I can say, is that at 41, my friends who never much went for the “He’s a douche!!” mantra with each and every break up, are the ones with the best relationships… They are married. With kids. They are grown ups. Meanwhile the unfortunate few who were/still are constantly the woe-is-victim at the end of each and every relationship are all still spinning their wheels and haven’t really gone anywhere. To be blunt, it’s highly unlikely that they ever will either. They make bad decision after bad decision, but (of course!) nothing is EVER their fault…

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      • avatar

        MarieDC February 20, 2012, 4:30 pm

        Agreed.People don’t always break-up because one person did something wrong.Sometimes it’s just pure incompatibility where neither party is to blame.

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      • avatar

        ktfran February 20, 2012, 5:18 pm

        Those are the best kind of breaks up. Especially when you can look past the hurt and there are no hard feelings.

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        Zepp February 20, 2012, 4:43 pm

        completely agree.

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      • avatar

        Caris February 20, 2012, 7:32 pm

        My mom is very Junior High 😐

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    • avatar

      iseeshiny February 20, 2012, 3:42 pm

      Like like like!

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    • avatar

      ktfran February 20, 2012, 3:49 pm

      Good luck in your career aspirations and finding a partner who is a good fit! Both will happen for you I think.

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  • avatar

    *HmC* February 20, 2012, 3:43 pm

    LW, I’m sorry for your loss. Heed Wendy’s words, she is a wise woman.

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  • avatar

    oldie February 20, 2012, 3:43 pm

    I thought we had established in the original post that his job is not portable, so to move to a city a few hours away means he’s out of work and starting over. He’s in a business that is totally contacts. It’s not just a matter of leaving his family.

    I don’t think LW is really willing to compromise either. Note: she said her bf is not willing to move to a city several hours away. She did not say she was willing and he unwilling to split the difference and move half-way between his town and that city.

    LW never mentions how bf will be able to support himself in his field, if they move.

    Unresolvable geographical conflicts are a bitch, but it doesn’t make either of them a douche. I don’t see the point in unfairly calling him a douche, because that’s what you think LW needs to hear at this point.

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      Francine February 20, 2012, 3:51 pm

      Eh, probably no harm in it as long as the ex-bf isn’t reading this right now.

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        Zepp February 20, 2012, 4:46 pm

        it’s harmful to the LW to see the situation that way. I really think it would keep someone from moving on properly to have all this unwarranted anger and hate. I just don’t see how that would help or possibly make anyone feel better to see rando’s on the internet calling the man she loved for four years a “Douche” because he recognized they were incompatible.

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        Francine February 20, 2012, 5:21 pm

        You’re probably right. I was thinking strictly in terms of harming him but it can’t be helping he lw move past this if we’re feeding her anger.

        I’ve always wondered how many letter writers really only pay attention to the comments though, that validate their feelings and disregard the others as the uninformed opinions of outsiders who don’t know what they’re talking about.

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      • avatar

        Francine February 20, 2012, 5:23 pm

        “helping the lw” not “he lw”.

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      • avatar

        Guy Friday February 20, 2012, 5:54 pm

        Honestly, I have a feeling this LW isn’t like that. When I posted in the original letter, she actually posted a reply to me in which she basically said, “Ok, you make some really good points. So would it make a difference in your analysis if I included these additional facts, or am I still being unfair to him?” It’s that last part that really made me think she was genuinely open to hearing opposing viewpoints, and also why I regretted not noticing it until now.

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      • avatar

        Emily February 21, 2012, 2:49 am

        Hi Guy, it’s the LW. Thanks so much for responding finally; I checked back a few times but figured you had forgotten about my follow-up.

        For anyone who cares, here’s what happened. He told me not only would he not move a few hours (as in by plane ride) away, he wouldn’t even move three and a half hours away, as in down in the interstate, to a nice big market, which we wouldn’t have to relocate from.
        It’s a city that, as it turns out, has offices which include a branch of a law firm from his hometown he’d very likely be able to get work at. Several good friends of both of ours work there. (And for the record, this extremely-geographically-close-to-his-hometown city is not closer to my family, it is farther away. It just happens to be the next closest city I could make a decent living wage in. I also would not move without a job — that’s nuts in this economy.) And then, I also said if he really felt he couldn’t move, at all, I’d switch careers so he could stay in his hometown, but he’d need to sit down with me and figure out what kind of degree I could get and that we could afford to send me back to school for, that would also not require us to move when I got my advanced degree. (His hometown doesn’t have a lot of opportunity for professionals. Like I said, it’s small.)

        And he said no. No to all of it. No to moving, no to me switching careers, just plain no. He said he’d feel too guilty for me to “give up my dreams,” which I am so sick of after all this fighting I really don’t care to pursue anyway. And he said I’d never be happy in his hometown, which is not true; I’ve been happy, for most of the time here, especially with him. Except for now, of course. Now it just plain sucks, I wonder if he ever loved me at all, and I am, as I said, heartbroken. Although I did enjoy the “Captain Inflexible” comment; that was pretty funny. Reminded me of Rick Santorum.

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        Caris February 21, 2012, 7:52 am

        It sounds (to me) like he’s been wanting to break up for a while and used this situation as an excuse to do so.

        It really sucks that your fiancée decided to break it off. But know that in time you’ll feel better and find someone better suited for you.

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      • avatar

        Guy Friday February 21, 2012, 1:15 pm

        It’s not a problem, Emily. Again, I apologize for not noticing it sooner!

        I know that you’re hurting right now from all of this, and I’m sorry that you’re feeling crappy. I think a lot of us would gladly take the pain away from you if we had the ability to do so. And, yes, the additional information does certainly shade me more to your side; like I said, maybe he couldn’t move, but he owed it to you to at least try to exhaust all the alternatives, if for no other reason than to show you he was making the effort (even if he felt it was inevitably fruitless). But, though it hurts now, I think when you look back on this after some time has passed you will realize that he truly did love you, because it would have been far easier to allow you to give up the career you were passionate about to, let’s face it, SETTLE for a lesser career so you could stay there with him. And I’m not trying to get inside your head too much, but to semi-quote arguably one of the most classic movies of all time, you would have regretted it. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life. And he could see your passion, and he knew he couldn’t ask you to throw that away for him. So he made the choice for you, and maybe that was unfair, but it certainly wasn’t casual or flippant; I’d bet anything on that.

        It will hurt. But like I said, you’ve learned important things about yourself and what you need from the next person you get serious with. And, honestly, the universe is a funny place about love, and maybe this isn’t a “goodbye” for the two of you as much as it ends up being a “see you later.” My grandparents have been married for almost 60 years, and they broke up at first for the same reason: my grandmother had to go elsewhere to pursue her career. You never know what door will get opened next.

        But do me a favor: if you ever decide to shun the bright lights of those media meccas and do your reporting in little old Wisconsin, look me up. I’ll buy you a cup of coffee and get your autograph so I can say I knew you back when you were a struggling beat reporter 😉

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark February 21, 2012, 3:02 pm

        Yes, to all of this. And remember, Emily, people who “give up” their careers often end up holding this sacrifice against their partners… Not saying that you would do this, but I personally have seem it happen several times and, trust me. it is never very pretty. Perhaps your boyfriend simply didn’t want this to happen. Sometimes, truly, the best thing to do if you REALLY love somebody is to set them free…

        Meanwhile, I know, you say that you HAVE been happy in the town where you presently live. I say, kindly, but firmly — REALLY? Because, truthfully, I believe that if you were genuinely happy there, you wouldn’t be so compelled to leave in the first place. So, no. No. You weren’t happy. Now that’s no crime. No crime at all. Nor is it anybody’s fault.But it IS a problem. And you ex knows this… He doesn’t want you to fake happiness for him — which is actually pretty damn noble, if you ask me — and so he is (wisely) suggesting you both end things cleanly now, rather than bitterly and messily later…

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    • Skyblossom

      Skyblossom February 20, 2012, 3:54 pm

      I think that the LW will probably also need to move more than once as she climbs the career ladder. A smaller market to a larger market to an even larger market. What would her fiance do if he had to start over multiple times to follow her city to city? She would be asking him to sacrifice his career for hers, something she’s not willing to do for him. I think they just have incompatible careers and they recognized that and broke up.

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        Zepp February 20, 2012, 5:02 pm

        this is very true

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    • landygirl

      landygirl February 20, 2012, 5:24 pm

      I was under the impression that he could pursue his career anywhere.

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        Zepp February 20, 2012, 5:27 pm

        there are more details in the comments section of the original letter. he really can’t. its a possibility but a pretty big risk to take

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        Francine February 20, 2012, 5:42 pm

        I honestly don’t think that even matters. Even if his career could survive the move, to me it sounded like there were other things also that made living in his hometown important to him. Should she be able to decide that their careers are more important to both of them and should be the deciding factor in where they live? Maybe her career determined where she wanted to live and for him, where he lived determined what his career would be. No one is right and no one is wrong. Just different priorities.

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      • landygirl

        landygirl February 20, 2012, 6:44 pm

        I’m just repeating what the LW said in the original letter. Ulimately, I think his opinion was rigid and hers was fluid and they weren’t right for each other.

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        Francine February 20, 2012, 7:14 pm

        I’m sure it’s hard for the lw to see it now but it’s great that they were able to admit that they aren’t right for each other and are going their separate ways rather than clinging to something that they aren’t happy with.

        They were both pretty rigid. He won’t move and she won’t switch careers. Not sure a fair compromise is possible in this case.

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      • landygirl

        landygirl February 21, 2012, 10:27 am

        If you read the post from the LW above, you’ll see that it was only the ex-fiance that was rigid. He really sounds unbending and uncompromising.

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  • mandalee

    mandalee February 20, 2012, 3:52 pm

    I don’t think the LW or the boyfriend are at fault or are asking to too much, they’re just looking for it in the wrong person. LW needs someone who will relocate for her job and the boyfriend is simply never going to leave his hometown or family. Take it from someone who did leave everything behind to fall my then boyfriend, now husband- you need to be “all in” in a situation like this. Both people need to be dedicated to whatever the journey is, and when you are stuck in polar opposite ideas with no sense of compromise, it’s time to move on.

    It’s heartbreaking and it will suck, but not every relationship has to crash and burn in some horrible fashion to be over. You can still love the person and just not be going in the same direction. Logistics in love sounds unromantic, but when they are in conflict, it’s never a good thing.

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    MarieDC February 20, 2012, 4:27 pm

    Neither of them did anything wrong.Neither one of them was willing to compromise,the fiancee was honest about it and suggested breaking up would be the best thing in this case.Which I fully agree with.It doesn’t make him a douche anymore than it makes her.

    And the name-calling post-breakup is ridiculous when it’s nobody’s fault.He’s a jackass/douchbag/loser/jerk for…having a perfectly legitimate dealbreaker?

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  • avatar

    Zepp February 20, 2012, 4:50 pm

    Can all this ‘bashers’ stop assuming that calling the LW’s ex-fiance, the man she LOVED for four years and wanted to marry, a douche bag, would make her feel better??? Why on earth would that make her feel better?!?! So she’s in a super sad situation AND she has poor taste of character and one of the people that has meant the most in her life is a jerk/asshole? Y’all are nuts if you think that helps anyone.
    Save the “he’s an assholes!” for when the guy is, you know, actually behaving poorly.

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    • avatar

      CottonTheCuteDog February 20, 2012, 5:54 pm

      you’re right. We shouldn’t be so harsh….Sorry LW!

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    • bittergaymark

      bittergaymark February 20, 2012, 6:49 pm

      So, true. Zepp. So true. Sometimes, I come on here and am left thinking…. “Sssssheeesh, what a bunch of shrill harpies…” And — obviously — that doesn’t go out to everyone on here, either by the way. Just those that repeatedly, over and over, are far to quick to shout “Douche!” Because, frankly, such comments are beneath you all, though many of you somehow, repeatedly, fail to see things that way.

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      • landygirl

        landygirl February 20, 2012, 7:03 pm

        Douching is really bad for you, I don’t recommend it.

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        Francine February 20, 2012, 7:16 pm

        What!? It keeps you “fresh like a country lane after a spring shower”! Every time I saw that commercial I could only think of a muddy dirt road. Yuck!

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      • avatar

        Renee February 20, 2012, 9:08 pm

        Mid cycle cervical mucus is healthy, a sign of fertility. Agreed. Douching is bad.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark February 20, 2012, 11:12 pm

        Okay, THAT was an overshare, and REALLY something that as a gay man, I so did NOT need to know!!!

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      • avatar

        iseeshiny February 21, 2012, 12:35 am

        Vagina. Mucus. Ovaries. Discharge!

        …too far?

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark February 21, 2012, 2:53 pm

        In a word. YES!!!

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      • avatar

        iseeshiny February 21, 2012, 7:44 pm

        One more: vulva. Eeeeeew.

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  • avatar

    spark February 20, 2012, 7:19 pm

    Sorry to hear that LW. I just read your original letter, and, I have to say, I’m on his side on this one. You are asking him to give up 1) his hometown, 2) his family, 3) his career and connections… so that you can gain 1) maybe a job. There’s more to life than a career, or in your case a potential career, and it sounds like he understands that. Besides, even if this were just about careers, how could you ask him to give his up for yours? Why is your potential career more important than his established career? I’m not trying to be snarky; I’m just saying that it sounded like he would be getting the short end of the stick there. He would be giving up EVERYTHING for not you but your potential job or career. Not worth it. Life is short, and not even a dream job could ever make me leave the things that matter most to me.

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      Lynn February 20, 2012, 8:49 pm

      I agree. And also as someone in the broadcast industry and with friends who are reporters and anchors… there is nothing wrong with a small market. You don’t HAVE to move to a big market. I can understand if you simply can’t get a job in the market you’re in, but I find that hard to believe especially if you have the experience.

      Also as a journalist, you are not more important than the story you cover. I’m not saying this is you, but I know one too many people who couldn’t care less about the people they’re covering and care more so about what they’re going to be able to put on a resume tape so they can move up the ladder. Definite pet-peeve. Again not saying this is you, but I was definitely put off by your “small markets are hell for TV jobs” comment. Who says you can’t have a great career there. News is always going to happen – no matter where you are.

      I’m sorry to hear your relationship didn’t work out, but at least this happened prior to the wedding.

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    • landygirl

      landygirl February 20, 2012, 10:34 pm

      My husband gave up his hometown, his family and quit his job to move and be with me so honestly I don’t really think it’s that far fetched. I don’t understand how his career is more important than hers and his wants should be put above hers. I feel like people are giving her a hard time for wanting more out of life.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark February 20, 2012, 11:13 pm

        She can have more out of life, she just can’t have it with him…

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      • landygirl

        landygirl February 21, 2012, 12:27 am

        That wasn’t my point. She said she was on the ex-fiance’s side and I think they are both suffering and no one is right or wrong and it’s silly to take sides. Making a big change isn’t always the wrong thing to do, it just isn’t the right thing for this couple.

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      Caris February 21, 2012, 8:05 am

      Read her comment above. She even suggested her changing careers and he said nope. And : “he said I’d never be happy in his hometown, which is not true”

      So she, unlike him, is willing to compromise. He wanted out and used this as an excuse instead of just telling her that he doesn’t love her anymore. imo.

      In the end is probably better that this happened, if they got married it could have lead to bigger disagreements and resentment.

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  • avatar

    MiMi February 20, 2012, 10:01 pm

    If he wouldn’t contemplate any kind of compromise and jumped so easily to “let’s break up,” I think you’ve had a tremendously lucky escape!! Wipe the dust of that hick and his hick town off your Louboutins and go find your bright lights.

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    • avatar

      grendel February 21, 2012, 8:17 am

      hahahahahahahahaa yeah LW let us know what channel to turn to to see you reporting on all the big stories on television in the big city.

      Reply Link
      • landygirl

        landygirl February 21, 2012, 11:19 am

        What’s so funny? The LW, Emily, posted in this thread and in the original thread. She has been in her career longer than the ex-fiance. Why must you be so snarky?

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  • avatar

    Caris February 21, 2012, 7:55 am

    The LW (Emily) posted more about her situation above as a reply to Guy Friday.

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  • avatar

    Sue Jones February 21, 2012, 9:56 pm

    Well she should be thankful that she found out how rigid and uncompromising and set in his ways he really is before she tied the knot, had some kids, etc. etc. etc. I know it must hurt like hell right now, but in 5-10 years she will see that she really did dodge a bullet there.

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