Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Updates: “Have Ring, Need More Compromise” Responds

It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today we hear from “Have Ring, Need More Compromise” who could not agree on where to live with his girlfriend of 4-1/2 years. She showed no interest in compromising and said that in a relationship a man should make all the sacrifices. He’d bought her an engagement ring and planned to propose, but he couldn’t afford to live where she lived and commute to work, and, without some compromises on her part, he believed the relationship may have run its course. Keep reading to see whether they are still together or if he decided to MOA.

Well, I have, as of today, finally read almost all of the comments on my column. I didn’t want to be skewed or persuaded in another way than making this decision for myself at that time. I agree with you that the way my girlfriend was is not a cultural thing/because of being Jewish. It was and is sad that people do believe stereotypes to be true — damn life coaches.

I wanted to thank everyone for providing many different perspectives. I’m not a person who gives in easily as relationships do take effort. Our situation did run its course; we are not together and I didn’t marry her. I think, if I read most of the comments correctly, I could have heard some cheers right then from most of the repliers. We ended on amicable terms, and I believe that, unless there was an awful circumstance, to end a relationship on a note that does not point fingers is best. Now it is what it is and that’s that.

I definitely don’t pretend to be perfect and I don’t expect anyone I’m with to be perfect either. Our relationship was easy in the beginning but over time just got old. We both wanted the next step but just couldn’t find the formula to make that happen. I had two boys living with me that both lost their mothers to cancer in their teenage years. I was trying to provide a home for them and help them through HS/college while at the same time trying to manage a girlfriend who wanted me to be more of a husband, which I tried to do, but in the end it was too much give and not enough return. What I found out when the relationship ended was that I was carrying guilt in that I was putting more and more effort into my relationship with her and neglecting being a real father to my own son. Holy crap, what a slap of reality for me that was . . . There was a sense of relief that I can’t explain in ending the relationship.

On to the next chapter of life. I’m certainly not ready for any relationship or even dating at the moment, but I’ll rebound quickly. Life must go on. I know now what is important and always have, but I lost sight of it somehow. I have re-calibrated myself and am focusing on my son, family, and other priorities like self-maintenance.

 
Good for you, and best of luck in the future.

***************

If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at [email protected] with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.

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7 comments… add one
  • avatar

    AKchic June 10, 2014, 1:33 pm

    Bright side – more time for your kids. Good luck!

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  • iwannatalktosampson

    iwannatalktosampson June 10, 2014, 2:35 pm

    Good for you she sucked.

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  • avatar

    Kate B. June 10, 2014, 2:39 pm

    It sounds like you made the best decision and I like your attitude towards relationships and life in general. Congrats and Good Luck.

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  • avatar

    zanderbobm84 June 10, 2014, 2:41 pm

    You sound like a wonderful man, who cares about the people around him. As long as you keep yourself in the right place where opportunities come up, you’ll find someone who is on the same page as you when the time is right. And it sounds like you’re setting a great example for your sons on how to make good life choices as well.

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  • avatar

    TECH June 10, 2014, 5:28 pm

    Love, love, love this update.

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  • bittergaymark

    bittergaymark June 10, 2014, 6:11 pm

    Yay! She sounded spectacularly awful… Glad it ended peacefully.

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  • rubyroo

    Ruby June 10, 2014, 7:45 pm

    Yay! Sounds like a very mature updated. Good luck.

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