It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing today. After the jump, we hear from “In Love with a Bi-Man” who was bothered by her bi boyfriend’s sexual experiences with men. “Do you think it will be possible for me to fully accept what happened in that past,” she wrote, “or does he really deserve someone who can accept him immediately? Is there some way for me to fully change the prejudices I might have, but don’t want?” Keep reading to find out if she’s come around to accepting him or if she’s moved on already.
It’s been a few months now, and things have changed drastically since my letter was posted, so I decided it was time for an update.
Prior to my letter being published, I had felt extremely guilty about my feelings towards my boyfriend and how I had responded to the situation. It wasn’t until I saw your response, and the additional comments left by your readers, that I realized the issue involved much more than just my own response to his admissions. You helped me to realize that it wasn’t completely my fault for the problem; he had been lying to me, several times, since the beginning of our relationship. Although I could (and still can) see why he chose to keep it a secret and reveal it slowly, my trust for him was greatly diminished by this act. We did our best to work through it, and I tried my best to accept his past so that we could move forward.
I would like to say that things improved for us, but in the end these revelations were only the beginning of a series of betrayals. In addition to learning there was even more to the story than he had originally told me (there were additional men he had interacted with, as some readers had predicted), I also caught him emailing a transsexual on Craiglist and planning a meet-up. I chose to forgive him for this as well, since he said he was only interested in getting pictures, but I now realize how naive I was at the time. I thought we could salvage what was left of our relationship, but it soon became clear that he had lost all of my trust and it would be impossible for him to ever gain it back. In hindsight, I regret not realizing that if he lied about one big thing, he was probably lying about other things (and he was). In the end, our relationship ended because it was damaged early on and, clearly, based on a lie.
On a positive note, I have started to see someone else since then, and he is a great guy. I have made sure to emphasize how important honesty is to me, and I hope that I can take what I have learned from my previous relationship and use it to better myself and my future. I don’t plan on letting someone else take advantage of my trust in that way ever again.
Thank you and your readers for your advice.
Thanks for your update, and best of luck in your new relationship!
If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.