Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Updates: “Inconvenient Proposal” Responds

It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today, we hear from “Inconvenient Proposal” who was bothered that her fiancé, whose proposal she had just accepted, still let his mother pay his bills. She worried about whether he was ready and responsible enough for marriage. Keep reading to see whether they’re still engaged since the column was published a few weeks ago.

After writing to you, I have spent the last two weeks evaluating my current relationship. I read your advice and the advice of your readers, and a lot of it made sense.

My fiancé and I sat down and and had a long discussion about our relationship and the problems that we are having. I told him that I felt like I had waited long enough for him to show me that things could change and that my patience was running out. He assured me once again that this time would be different and we could make it work. He asked me to help him with a budget so he could have a better control of his money. So I did what he asked. Since we do not bank together, he gave me his login to review the last 90 days of bank statements and help him develop a budget. Once I logged into to his account I was definitely shocked at what I saw.

He had been telling me how he spends so much money on gas each week to get back and forth to work and how he paid his car insurance each month and so on, which is why he doesn’t have much money to spend on our house bills or pay his child support. The reality of the situation is that his MOM pays for his gas to go back and forth to work, she pays for him to get hair cuts, she pays for his new tires on his car, his cell phone bill, his car insurance, and the list goes on and on. He has a debit card in his wallet that is linked to mommy’s account.

Long story short, I ended things with him last week and he is moving out today. I am bitter and feel very foolish for it going on as long as it has. I told my oldest daughter this weekend and she seemed to be understanding about it. It is going to be a little rough for a little while, but I know it is for the best. I work extremely hard to provide for my child and myself, and I do expect that from the person I am with as well.

Let the healing begin!

 
Thank you for the update and best of luck to you in the future.

***************

If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at wendy@dearwendy.com with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.

You can follow me on Facebook here and sign up for my weekly newsletter here.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

17 comments… add one
  • avatar

    Christy August 26, 2013, 1:03 pm

    Yeah girl! Way to stand up for yourself and your family!

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    Amanda August 26, 2013, 1:14 pm

    Way to go LW! Yay!

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  • Diablo

    Diablo August 26, 2013, 1:42 pm

    Sorry, but your parents give you a home until you are old enough to make your own. That’s it. My parents NEVER paid a bill for me, ever. I started earning my own money via a newspaper route at 11, then various jobs when i was old enough to work. Anything I wanted, like a bike, a stereo, a car, I earned myself, bought myself and paid the upkeep myself. How does someone get to be 32 and still even allow this?

    LW, there is bound to be someone better than this for you. A lot better. Good luck and congrats on making the hard choice.

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    • othy

      othy August 26, 2013, 3:20 pm

      My parents instilled the same sense of work ethic in me. I am 100% grateful that they paid for my college, and that they haven’t had to pay for anything ever since. Aside from an unneeded (but appreciated) gift here or there, my life style has been something I have earned for myself. (And I’m only 28…)

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      • Diablo

        Diablo August 26, 2013, 5:14 pm

        Othy, I didn’t always have a great work ethic. I majored in slacking. But i never made it anyone else’s problem if i was broke, and if i wanted something, I knew I had to get off my ass and make it happen. And I sure as hell didn’t present myself as a candidate for marriage until I was at least prepared to give 100% effort, even if we slacker majors didn’t earn top dollar.

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      • othy

        othy August 26, 2013, 11:07 pm

        Sounds a lot like my older brother. He’s never really been ‘wealthy’, but he’s never had to ask the folks for money either (unless they want him to come out and visit them, because he can’t afford plane tickets). If he wanted to, he could go out and get a higher paying job. He just hasn’t seen the reason to do so yet. My younger brother, however, hasn’t quite figured out the ‘how not to be a mooch’ lessons yet.

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  • avatar

    Stephanie August 26, 2013, 1:45 pm

    I am pleasantly surprised by this update, when you wrote that you had given him another chance I thought this was going in a totally different direction. Congratulations on sticking to your convictions and being a strong role model for your daughter.

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  • avatar

    Leslie August 26, 2013, 1:46 pm

    LW you made a tough decision and I’m sure you’ll find that it was the right one. I’m going through a time with my boyfriend and his finances. The good thing is that although he has slipped up in the past, he’s now trying to fix things. He may need my help and encouragement from time to time but overall, he’s putting in most of the work to make things right. Ultimately you want someone who is going to take ownership of their situation and that is ok.

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  • avatar

    stilgar666 August 26, 2013, 1:52 pm

    Wow, a surprisingly pragmatic update, haven’t had on of those in a while.

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  • avatar

    TortoiseBear August 26, 2013, 2:18 pm

    Good for you, LW!! I know that must’ve been a hard decision but I believe you made the RIGHT one. You deserve much better than that deadbeat.

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  • avatar

    HmC August 26, 2013, 2:35 pm

    Congratulations for making a decision that is surely tough in the present but will definitely be better for you in the long run. That takes guts and a lot of people don’t have them.

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  • katie

    katie August 26, 2013, 3:38 pm

    so, just wondering but… where is his money, then? he is supposedly working, right, where is that money? its so confusing!

    anyway im glad you tried to help but ultimately had to pull the plug. at least you know you did everything you could and it is truly a big problem that this guy will have to figure out himself.

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    • avatar

      Lucy August 26, 2013, 8:01 pm

      I was wondering the same thing. If mommy is paying all the bills, where is all his money going?!

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    • CatsMeow

      CatsMeow August 26, 2013, 8:37 pm

      Right? And… he knew what LW would see when he gave her control of his account, so… what did he expect?

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  • avatar

    starpattern August 26, 2013, 4:18 pm

    High five LW! I’m sorry that you have to go through this because break ups are painful, but it sounds like you made the right decision for yourself and your family. All the best.

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  • avatar

    Nadine August 26, 2013, 4:44 pm

    I’m sorry for you but also proud. And I hope you are too

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  • avatar

    MMcG August 26, 2013, 5:15 pm

    Congratulations LW – one day you will look back on this as a very valuable learning experience for you and your daughter. I’m sure it hurts now, but kudos to you for pulling the plug on someone who was if nothing else a big fat liar.

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