Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Updates: “Incredulous in Oregon” Responds

It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing today. After the jump, we hear from “Incredulous in Oregon” who was featured in a “His Take” column when she said she was thinking of buying a house and wondered why her boyfriend was so resistant to the idea of moving in with her as her tenant. After the jump, find out whether she bought a house and if her boyfriend’s still in the picture.

I really appreciated the guys’ perspectives on what it’s like for my boyfriend in the house situation. I didn’t think about how it could make him feel like he was a tenant instead of someone I was living with in a loving relationship. It has just seemed logical for him to pay for some of the housing costs, but I didn’t think of how it would make me his landlord. Some of the comments mentioned that it sounded like I just wanted someone to pay half my mortgage, which I wanted to say wasn’t the case at all. All the houses I was considering were places I could afford the mortgage on my own, in case he didn’t want to move in or ever moved out. I just happened to want to live with him and also buy a house at the same time, and it seemed convenient to combine those two awesome things. I certainly didn’t want to “profit off of him,” as someone said. I never brought up the money aspect of it when I talked to him about it, just the general idea of buying a house that he could move live in.

I had really wanted him to be a part of the house-shopping so I got a place that he liked, too. I also didn’t want to forge ahead and buy a house he wouldn’t want to ever live in if we put off moving in together. I told him that, hypothetically, he could be living there so he should have a part in the decision. If it was a choice between home-ownership and him, I’d always pick him. After so much hesitance from him and lots of good advice from the guys, I decided to slow down the “future train” in my head. I did, however, do what Wendy often suggests and was clear about what I want. I told him that I loved him and wanted to be with him for a very long time and live with him, and that I needed to know what he wanted so I could make plans appropriately, which could mean putting off the house purchase. And that’s exactly what I did. He said he would think about living together and I told him I’d give him time to do that. Then, last week he proposed! So, no more worries about how serious he is about our relationship, but I’m still glad that the guys and the commenters helped me see that I needed to just calm down about the whole thing. Outside perspectives were definitely helpful.

 
Aw, congrats! I guess that means he’ll be moving in with you now?

If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at [email protected] with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.

29 comments… add one
  • avatar

    Lexington May 23, 2011, 12:24 pm

    Best. Update. Ever.

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      Desiree May 23, 2011, 1:44 pm

      That was an unintentional thumbs down. I shouldn’t try to thumbs up on my iPhone.

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      • avatar

        Hana May 23, 2011, 2:29 pm

        I use my blackberry sometimes and it makes my thumbs up count like 7 or 8 times… Not for this one tho! I would thumbs up a million times for best update ever if i could!

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      • avatar

        Lexington May 23, 2011, 11:49 pm

        Haha well I would have figured someone disagreed with me just to cause trouble *cough* *cough* RoyalEagle

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      • Lindsay

        Lindsay May 2, 2013, 1:31 pm

        Wait, what? There’s a thumbs-down option? I only have thumbs-up.

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        lets_be_honest May 2, 2013, 1:33 pm

        This is old. No more down thumbs anymore.

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      • Lindsay

        Lindsay May 2, 2013, 1:48 pm

        Ugh. I thought I was replying on the new one. So confused.

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    • avatar

      IinO May 23, 2011, 2:43 pm

      I also think it’s a pretty freaking awesome way to solve the problem. (I’m the LW, by the way.)

      Thanks for all the congrats, everyone! I’m insanely excited! 😀

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    • avatar

      RoyalEagle0408 May 23, 2011, 7:52 pm

      I kind of want to intentionally thumb you down for no reason other than I’m in the mood to mess with you, Lex.

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      • avatar

        Lexington May 23, 2011, 11:49 pm

        You would 😛

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  • avatar

    PFG-SCR May 23, 2011, 12:27 pm

    Glad to hear it all worked out, and congratulations on the engagement!

    Best of luck to the both of you!!

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  • avatar

    SGMcG May 23, 2011, 12:29 pm

    I guess he didn’t want to make a proposal until he was sure your house purchase meant you were moving toward him, not away. Congrats!

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  • avatar

    TheGirl May 23, 2011, 12:49 pm

    Awesome! Congratulations! I wonder if he was already thinking about proposing, and just didn’t know how to deal with the whole buying a house thing without blowing his secret?

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    • avatar

      princesspetticoat May 24, 2011, 11:39 am

      That was my thought! It seems like he wanted her to wait so that they could look at buying together instead.

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  • avatar

    mf May 23, 2011, 1:14 pm

    Aw! This put me in a good mood! Congrats on your engagement.

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  • avatar

    David Jay May 23, 2011, 1:22 pm

    Perfect! Congratulations on the proposal! Glad I could be of service 😉
    -David-

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  • Budj

    Budjer May 23, 2011, 1:44 pm

    Congratulations! I’m happy this worked out for you. Definitely seems like his disinterest was because he was hoping this was something you both could have done together in a new phase of your life / relationship and he didn’t want to spill the beans. Sometimes there is a good reason for weird dude behavior!

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  • becboo84

    BecBoo84 May 23, 2011, 2:22 pm

    Awwww… I love happy endings. Congratulations!

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  • avatar

    Addie Pray May 23, 2011, 2:23 pm

    Congrats! But still charge him rent. 🙂

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    • avatar

      LTC039 May 23, 2011, 5:43 pm

      My boyfriend’s brother owns his own apartment (he inherited a bunch of money due to surgery gone wrong when he was 8) & lets his gf’s live there without contributing to ANYTHING. No groceries, no light bill, no **cleaning**, NOTHING. They “fall in love” with him because I guess “playing house” for them is cute since they have no real obligations… Then he ends up cheating on them after a while…

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      • avatar

        LTC039 May 23, 2011, 5:43 pm

        Wow, Idk why a smiley face came out, I mean the # 8… lol

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      • avatar

        moonflowers May 23, 2011, 9:52 pm

        It was the 8 next to the ) that did it.

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    • avatar

      Britannia May 23, 2011, 5:36 pm

      “Charging rent” sounds way too distant. I don’t charge my boyfriend to live in the house I own, but I sure as heck do expect him to contribute to the expenses!

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  • Jess

    Jess of CityGirlsWorld.com May 23, 2011, 5:40 pm

    Woohoo! Surprise ending! Loved it!

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  • avatar

    napoleon1066 May 23, 2011, 5:54 pm

    Too few comments for such a happy ending.

    Congrats!

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  • avatar

    RoyalEagle0408 May 23, 2011, 7:54 pm

    Congratulations!

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  • avatar

    moonflowers May 23, 2011, 9:53 pm

    Congrats on your new home and your engagement! 🙂

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  • avatar

    fallonthecity May 23, 2011, 11:48 pm

    Yay! Congrats!

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  • avatar

    anna728 June 1, 2011, 3:56 am

    What a happy result for the update!

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