Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Updates: “Irrationally Jealous” Responds

It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today, we hear from “Irrationally Jealous” who was jealous of the close friendships her boyfriend had with several women, whom he danced with, gave back rubs to, and occasionally held hands with. Some commenters said that her jealousy wasn’t irrational at all and that she should demand some boundaries be drawn. Keep reading to see if she did just that and how she’s doing now, over a year and a half later.

In hindsight, I should have just asked “How can I get myself to realize this rebound relationship isn’t right for me?” After I wrote the letter, my then-boyfriend and I experienced quite a few months of ups and downs, culminating in me finally dumping him when he had military orders overseas and he wouldn’t make a commitment, even though he swore up and down that he wanted to get married (just not right then or in the foreseeable future). While I did genuinely care about him, it’s taken the gift of retrospect to see that we were so completely wrong for each other. Not only were we both on the rebound after our divorces, but we were so mismatched when it came to relationship styles, boundaries, and expectations. I often told him we were trying to fit a square peg in a round hole, but he wasn’t going to “give up on us” (gag), and so our relationship limped along probably about six months longer than it should have.

Still, I’m grateful for the experiences, the memories, and the lessons. I learned a lot about myself and spent some time after our break up alone, just working on me. I became totally okay with being alone. I still remember the day that I thought to myself, “It might just be me and my daughter from here on out, and that’s totally fine.” Soon thereafter, I worked up a lot of courage, took a leap, and moved to a new city, got a better job, and then met a great guy (perhaps I’m giving away who I am, but that’s okay). I’m still friendly with my ex, who is, surprise surprise, currently in the beginning stages of a relationship with one of his female friends from college (luckily, not one of them who lived in the same town as we did while we were dating).

 
Thanks for the update and congrats on all the good things in your life. And to reiterate what we all said way back when you first wrote: a guy who holds hands with his women friends and gives them back rubs, despite being in a relationship with someone else, is the one with the issues.

***************

If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at wendy@dearwendy.com with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.

You can follow me on Facebook here and sign up for my weekly newsletter here.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

47 comments… add one
  • avatar

    lets_be_honest March 7, 2013, 2:13 pm

    I know who the lw is now 🙂 I couldn’t be happier for you being happy!

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      lets_be_honest March 7, 2013, 2:17 pm

      Also, just checked the original letter. Its very old, cool to hear an update after so long.

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    • landygirl

      landygirl March 7, 2013, 2:36 pm

      Who is it?

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    • CatsMeow

      CatsMeow March 7, 2013, 2:39 pm

      LW, I know who you are too!! Teeheehee. I hope I didn’t say anything mean, haha.

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      • CatsMeow

        CatsMeow March 7, 2013, 2:42 pm

        OK, well, I actually didn’t say anything. Huh.

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        lets_be_honest March 7, 2013, 2:43 pm

        Me neither, thank god! I was afraid too!

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      • BriarRose

        BriarRose March 7, 2013, 4:15 pm

        HA! I didn’t even reread all the comments, but now I’m kind of tempted to do so.

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    • avatar

      Trixy Minx March 7, 2013, 2:50 pm

      I know who it is too 😀

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  • avatar

    painted_lady March 7, 2013, 2:35 pm

    That’s so awesome! I know who you are, too, and you sound so much happier these days than you did a year and a half ago.

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  • avatar

    bethany March 7, 2013, 2:40 pm

    I think I know who it is, too!!

    I love that you said this:
    I still remember the day that I thought to myself, “It might just be me and my daughter from here on out, and that’s totally fine.”

    I had that same revelation about a year before I met my husband… It was so freeing to just accept that your life might turn out a way you didn’t plan on, and that it’s ok!!

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    • avatar

      lets_be_honest March 7, 2013, 2:44 pm

      YES!

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  • avatar

    6napkinburger March 7, 2013, 2:53 pm

    I don’t know who it is!

    Awesome that she’s was so ok being alone.

    Question: I think I’m basically there, being happy being alone — I love my life and my new job and my new friends, I work out 4 times a week, I’ve recently given up gluten,, etc. etc. and I almost love my apartment except for a stupid mouse problem. Every time I see it, I scream bloody murder and hop up on my furniture — I’m so independent but I cannot handle seeing or touching a dead, or alive, mouse. The exterminator came and plugged up all the holes so I don’t see them anymore, but I can still hear them in the walls. It’s been 2 weeks and I have barely been able to sleep through the night, I’m so creeped out. Is it ok that I want a guy that I decided I didn’t want to date but enjoy sleeping with to come over and stay the night, so he can go make sure that there isn’t a mouse IN my apartment when I hear it?? Or do I have to give back my “happily single” card? (PS I would be super happy with ANYONE in my life to stay the night and scope out the situation, but I think he is the only one I can convince to do it)

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    • avatar

      GatorGirl March 7, 2013, 3:02 pm

      I think it’s perfectly fine 🙂 I’m happily coupled up, but I do not do cockroaches and would consider keeping my fiance around just to deal with them (besides the fact that I like him).

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    • avatar

      Married by Elvis March 7, 2013, 3:11 pm

      Get or borrow a cat. I promise you no more mouse.

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      • katie

        katie March 7, 2013, 3:26 pm

        i second this- my cat who was taken away from her mom too early still knew how to hunt a mouse- i was seriously impressed!

        also, cats are amazing. theres that too.

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      • avatar

        6napkinburger March 7, 2013, 3:27 pm

        Tried! no one will lend (they say their cats get freaked out by new places). And can’t get one permanently, as family is allergic!

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      • avatar

        6napkinburger March 7, 2013, 3:28 pm

        (seriously tried! facebook post and asking everyone I knew with a cat!)

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl March 7, 2013, 3:32 pm

        One downfall to the cat idea is sometimes they bring their kill (or not so dead prey) to “mom” to show them. For example my indoor/outdoor cat once brought me a live chipmunk to bed. My parents cat frequently leaves dead mice under the couch.

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        Ladybug March 7, 2013, 3:53 pm

        Yeah, you never know what cats will decide to do with something once they catch it. The one I had as a kid used to leave specific parts (that looked like they’d been surgically removed) on the front stoop for us. I guess he was trying to share his snack with the family, but it was gross and just a little creepy.

        The good thing about having your mice walled up is that you could use the cat as a mouse detecor so the exterminators have a better idea of where to target without having the cat actually catch anything. My mom always knew when we needed to set out mousetraps when the cat would just crouch in front of the oven and growl–he couldn’t get under there, but he knew a mouse had taken up residence.

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      • avatar

        MissDre March 7, 2013, 4:02 pm

        My cat would always leave the mouse feet and tail on the front step. And maybe sometimes the liver.

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      • avatar

        Ladybug March 7, 2013, 4:05 pm

        These were liver and intestines, neatly removed and placed as they would be in the animal. Apparently my cat had serious skills with his claws.

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson March 7, 2013, 4:15 pm

        Add this to the list of reasons cats are fucked up creatures. Dog lady for life.

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      • avatar

        MissDre March 7, 2013, 4:36 pm

        They are just being thoughtful and leaving presents for their family!

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson March 7, 2013, 4:45 pm

        Haha. Do you remember the show Pinky and the Brain? Cats are like the brain.

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        MissDre March 7, 2013, 4:52 pm

        LOL I have The Brain as my desktop background right now!

        By the way I do have a dog, a 6 month old Puggle, and I still like my cats better.

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson March 7, 2013, 4:55 pm

        Shut up MissDre when did you get a puggle? And why did you not tell us? Sampson is a puggle!

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      • avatar

        MissDre March 7, 2013, 4:59 pm

        I got her at Christmas. I bought her for my mom. She’s SOOOO friggin hyper and she harasses my cats and she’s still not house trained and she needs so much attention!!! But my mom is in love with her, so I guess that’s all that matters.

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      • avatar

        rachel March 7, 2013, 8:56 pm

        Yay puggles!

        And mine is 5 years old and still needs a lot of attention, haha.

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      • avatar

        Aurora Thirteen March 7, 2013, 9:59 pm

        I had a friend tell me that his cats would do the same thing. He told me once it was because the cat was trying to show him how to hunt like they would if he were a kitten. And I think MissDre was correct about them being thoughtful and leaving the family presents.

        So apparently cats really like you if they do that or they’re trying to send a message, lol

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle March 7, 2013, 4:18 pm

        One of ours once put a mouse in the water bowl for us to find (unless she sadistically drowned it?)

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      • Astronomer

        Astronomer March 7, 2013, 3:52 pm

        A. I love your username.

        B. My stupid, spoiled house cats are afraid of mice. I lived in a place with a resident closet mouse, and the cats would run and hide under the bed when it made wall noises. Totally useless, the bastards.

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      • avatar

        Ladybug March 7, 2013, 4:09 pm

        Sounds like my current cat (see avatar). He’s scared of his catnip mouse.

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        Friend of Beagles March 7, 2013, 6:22 pm

        My cats have always found mice vastly entertaining to watch, but apparently they slipped a clause into their adoption contracts stating that they never had to actually hunt the mice. Thank heaven we never had mice at this house–knock on wood. The beagle might be interested, but I’m certain he doesn’t have the skills to do much more than track them down.

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  • Fabelle

    Fabelle March 7, 2013, 2:54 pm

    WHO IS IT. I thought I knew, but the daughter thing is throwing me off, because the person I thought it was doesn’t have a child, I don’t think?

    I didn’t comment on the original either. It’s always weird when that happens, because I remember having a definite opinion & assumed I MUST have said something, but then–nope.

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  • avatar

    sarolabelle March 7, 2013, 2:57 pm

    I’m not on this website enough….I have no idea who the LW is….but glad everything is working out!

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  • avatar

    sarita_f March 7, 2013, 2:59 pm

    Oh yay I think I know who it is too! And yay for making peace with life and taking leaps of faith and all that great stuff! Great update :). Yay!

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  • avatar

    MMcG March 7, 2013, 3:14 pm

    All of you are a bunch of know-it-all teases!!! I don’t know who it is and can’t figure it out… I’m a loser 🙁

    Great update LW, WHOEVER YOU ARE, and I love this line “it’s taken the gift of retrospect to see that we were so completely wrong for each other.” The gift of retrospect for the win!

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  • the_optimist

    the_optimist March 7, 2013, 3:32 pm

    I know who it is too! And I’m happy you’re happy, LW!

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  • iwannatalktosampson

    iwannatalktosampson March 7, 2013, 4:10 pm

    Wait why aren’t we sharing who it is? She clearly doesn’t care? Can I not tell everyone?

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  • BriarRose

    BriarRose March 7, 2013, 4:14 pm

    Haha, I kinda want to keep you all in suspense, but it’s totally me. Feel free to judge away for sticking with a guy with such issues, but I was young and confused. Okay, fine, just confused! But I definitely learned a lot about myself, and think that I’m doing okay now.

    Thanks everyone for your kind words, and no hard feelings if you gave any strongly worded advice way back in 2011. I’m woman enough to take it!

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    • Fabelle

      Fabelle March 7, 2013, 4:24 pm

      Ooohhh, I thought of you, too! I knew you had a daughter & had recently moved, but I didn’t know anything about a new guy, I guess. Thanks for the update 🙂

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    • avatar

      bethany March 7, 2013, 4:25 pm

      Yay, I was right!! I’m sad I didn’t comment on your letter… I think that was before I started commenting.

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    • avatar

      MMcG March 7, 2013, 4:50 pm

      Thank you for eliminating the suspense… it was like being at the cool kids lunch table and not knowing what they were talking about. And no judgment – just a learning opportunity that I’m glad you took advantage of – We often learn best from our mistakes anyway 🙂

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      • avatar

        Liquid Luck March 7, 2013, 5:12 pm

        I felt like the creepy person stalking the cool kids because I did guess who it was, even though I’ve only been commenting for a few weeks (and mostly in the forums). But I’ve been lurking for years, so that makes it okay, right?

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        Iwannatalktosampson March 7, 2013, 7:20 pm

        Yes that makes it totally okay 🙂 At one point everyone was a lurker. And you will always be my friend because of your username.

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  • Jess

    Jess March 7, 2013, 5:23 pm

    Awesome update! So been there. Some of us require more “training relationships” than others to find what we need. Take it from the 36 (soon to be 37) year old bride right here 🙂

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  • avatar

    Older and (hopefully) wiser March 7, 2013, 6:46 pm

    LW (and I don’t know who you are), you rock!! You knew what had to be done and you did it! Not easy.

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