Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Updates: “Jealous of His Hot Friend” Responds

It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing today. After the jump, we hear from “Jealous of His Hot Friend” whose boyfriend has an attractive female friend who aggressively flirts and pursues unavailable men. Keep reading to see what crazy thing she’s done now and how the LW’s boyfriend reacted.

First of all, thank you so much for posting my letter! I’d like to thank every one of your readers who took the time to read it and comment on it. They were truly amazing.

Many of them said things like “she must do this because she’s unhappy with her own life.” Of course, I guess we can never know for sure how one feels, but honestly, that doesn’t seem to be the case. Sure, she must have problems every once in a while like everyone else. After all, she sometimes calls my bf “to pour out her heart” to him, but from what I’ve heard from my bf and her, she has a good job, a nice place, supportive parents. She does have female friends and lots of guys want to date her. I heard more than one guy say “oh if only you were my gf” to her. Honestly, this pisses me off. Her behavior is well known and people still think she’s all that great?

I also thought long about what I can do to not feel less than her. I decided then to join a gym and start to work out. I went shopping for new, cute clothes with my best friend. I got a new haircut, am wearing a little more make-up… Basicaly, I decided to try to be the best version of myself. BUT.

A couple days ago I got a call from this girl I know from my bf’s group of friends whom I always thought was nice. She was dating one of my bf’s friends for about six months and they seemed very happy with each other. But when she called me, she was crying, and she told me she accidentally saw her bf’s e-mail and found out hot friend was sending him and other guys, my boyfriend included, guess what? Nude pics!!!! Classy!!!

I can’t explain how angry I got. I only know I called him immediately screaming and demanding for explanations. When I met him, he confessed he has gotten theses pictures every now and then and he had used it at least once to masturbate, but that he promised he hasn’t done anything more, not even replied to the messages, and that he just pretends nothing happened when he’s around her and he didn’t tell me to not hurt me. Well, the thing is I am hurt. I didn’t break up with him though because he seemed to be telling the truth. I then tried to calm down and tell him how I feel about her and the whole situation and how inappropriate I think she is. His response: “Yeah, the flirting and the pics were a little over the top, but don’t worry, I know my limits and I won’t cross a line and cheat on you.” I haven’t seen him since. I want to believe it, but I don’t know if I do.

I don’t think I’m being controlling and unreasonably jealous. He is friends with some of his exes, and I don’t have a problem with them – one of them actually invited us for her wedding in August. We’re not teenagers anymore, we’re in our mid-twenties. I think he should know better by now than to be friends with someone like her… right?

 
I would not be OK with my husband being “friends” with a woman who regularly sends him nude photos of herself that he admits to jerking off to. No. If it were I, I’d move on and find a guy with a little more respect and loyalty toward me. I wouldn’t wait around to see if he cheated. Frankly, the jerking off to some skank’s photo — a skank he actually hangs out with as opposed to some random skank on some porn site or whatever — would be enough for me to question his judgment. But that’s me. If you stay with him, you should make it very clear that you are not ok with this particular friendship, and that, by continuing to interact with her, your boyfriend is putting his relationship with you in jeopardy.

If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at wendy@dearwendy.com with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.

246 comments… add one
  • avatar

    Mel May 30, 2012, 3:10 pm

    Drop that fucker like a rock. This won’t end well.

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  • JK

    JK May 30, 2012, 3:11 pm

    Holy crap. Did not see that last bit coming.

    I totally agree with Wendy.

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  • avatar

    matcha May 30, 2012, 3:11 pm

    OMG. I usually never say this but:

    Dump him! It’s really that simple this time!

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  • SweetsAndBeats

    SweetsAndBeats May 30, 2012, 3:11 pm

    Honestly, I think this warrants a dumping. Any man who thinks that it’s perfectly fine to receive nude pictures from a female friend and jack off to them is not a man who is worth dating. He won’t change – he’ll continue to find loopholes and justifications for other immoral behavior, just like he did when he decided it was okay to receive and jack off to those pictures as long as he pretended it never happened. All of his friends are also condoning this girl’s behavior (and, obviously, enjoying it). So, his friends are kinda a bunch of creeps, and your boyfriend is a creep. He’s not going to change unless he gets a new set of friends and grows up. MOA.

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    • avatar

      kerrycontrary May 30, 2012, 3:15 pm

      I agree that the boyfriend and his friends are creeps. They choose to associate with women like this and accept her behavior. Ugh I feel disgusted after reading this.

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  • avatar

    Addie Pray May 30, 2012, 3:12 pm

    I can’t believe he admitted to jerking off to the picture. W h a t an idiot! I’d break up with him for both the breach of loyalty and stupidity.

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    • avatar

      Kristen May 30, 2012, 3:34 pm

      I know, I can’t believe he actually admitted to using the photos. Any guy who respected his girlfriend/wife would have immediately deleted those photos upon receiving them and broken off that “friendship.”

      Unbelievable. I can’t even imagine what my reaction would be if this happened to me. For one thing, I’d be out the door before he could even offer an explanation, let alone a “good one.”

      It’s just so creepy! Does he expect now that you’ll continue to hang out with her in group settings with the knowledge that he’s seen her like that? Ugh.

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      • avatar

        EricaSwagger May 30, 2012, 4:36 pm

        “Any guy who respected his girlfriend/wife would have immediately deleted those photos upon receiving them and broken off that “friendship.””

        I get where you’re coming from, I’m just not sure it’s realistic. There are plenty of perfectly good guys out there who wouldn’t be this rash.

        I think that the most realistic thing for most guys is this:

        “Hot friend” sends the guys naked pictures of herself. Aside from the fact that she’s clearly desperate for attention and kind of a whore… She’s probably a fun person to hang out with, and well, the name says it all… She’s “hot”. Any normal guy is going to look at a picture of a naked girl if it winds up on his phone, whether he knows who she is or not.

        Some may delete it (as they should), some may save it on their phone or send it to their computer. Some may “use” it. But it’s hard to believe EVERY DECENT GUY, would respond with something like “This is totally disrespectful to me and my relationship and my girlfriend. You are an attention seeking whore and we can no longer be friends.” Maybe 1 in a thousand guys. Maybe.

        Of course just because guys do it all the time doesn’t make it right. I’m just saying, people don’t generally cause problems when ignoring them is a lot easier. That’s what the LW’s boyfriend did, and will continue to do.

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      • avatar

        ele4phant May 30, 2012, 5:10 pm

        Maybe this is overly harsh, but if a truly decent guy makes a decision that doesn’t reflect that, he deserve the consequences. If that means getting dumped, or being in the dog house with his girlfriend and having to ditch his friend, so be it. We are only as decent as our actions, and he didn’t meet that standard this time.

        Its not enough to say “I know my limits” and carry-on with this friendship as though nothing has happened.

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      • avatar

        matcha May 30, 2012, 5:15 pm

        Plus, the boyfriend wasn’t cold-emailed without warning. He already told his own girlfriend, “Whatever, there’s nothing going on. Chill,” and then proceeded to get his rocks off without feeling any remorse about it.

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      • avatar

        ele4phant May 30, 2012, 5:21 pm

        To be fair, we don’t know when the getting off on the pic happened. It could have been before she brought up her concerns, or even before he started dating her.

        But at the very least, when his girlfriend raised her concerns, there should have been a little light bulb that went off that “Gee, its not appropriate how this friend has been behaving, in public or private. It is crossing lines. I will delete these images, ask her to stop sending future ones, and if she doesn’t, distance myself from her because she clearly doesn’t respect my relationship or girlfriend.”

        The correct response was not continue to accept the pictures, brush off the GF’s very legitimate concerns, and when confronted, refuse to make any substantial changes aside from telling her he “Knows his limits.”

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      • avatar

        matcha May 30, 2012, 5:35 pm

        Okay, that’s true. I made the assumption based on the fact that the friend’s girlfriend had “accidentally seen her boyfriend’s email,” and found the picture. This letter was published roughly six weeks ago. And she probably had been mulling over this flirt problem for longer than the idea popped into her head to write into Wendy. I didn’t think the friend’s girlfriend looked greater than a month back into his email.

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      • avatar

        matcha May 30, 2012, 5:37 pm

        Ah, I can’t edit. 🙁 What I mean is, I’m taking the ‘accidentally’ at somewhat face value. I had to go about 10 pages back in my inbox to get to April 23, and I’m betting the LW sent the letter a bit before that.

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      • avatar

        convexed May 30, 2012, 8:52 pm

        Yeah, and here’s the other thing, if I can jump on this ‘knowledge of the limits’ moment. When you’re in a relationship, there are your own limits, and then there are the limits of what is acceptable between you and your significant other.
        So, he knows his own limits, meaning he knows, presumably, how much extracurricular titillation he will accept for his penis without feeling he has ‘crossed a line’.
        The LW should inform him that he obviously doesn’t ‘know the limits’ of what she will tolerate in regards to his interactions with this woman-who-has-no-regard.
        That *he* might feel okay about quietly masturbating to and not mentioning unsolicited (I pray to god) pix of the friend, but if he wants to stay in this relationship or any other, he needs to respect the limits of his significant other, and the limits they choose to mutually uphold between them.
        I say, dump his ass hard, and then advise him to ‘learn from this’. Sure, you could choose to pretend to let it go, and maybe you’ll be able to, but I wouldn’t. To me, him admitting to ‘using’ the images is him admitting, to my face, that he wants to fuck, and fantasizes about fucking, this piece of venom who all along he’s been insisting does not present any threat to or distraction from his commitment to his girlfriend. I would be insulted, annoyed, hurt, and most of all, I would lose the ability to take my boyfriend seriously, which to me is the fatal blow. How can I stay with someone who engages in such eye-rolling acts of indulgence/denial? If he can’t let go of hot friend in his life, let him join the ranks of random guys who unsuccessfully vie for her undivided attention.

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      • avatar

        Violet May 31, 2012, 12:46 am

        “To me, him admitting to ‘using’ the images is him admitting, to my face, that he wants to fuck, and fantasizes about fucking, this piece of venom who all along he’s been insisting does not present any threat to or distraction from his commitment to his girlfriend.”

        Really like this part, my thoughts exactly.

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      • avatar

        SweetPeaG May 31, 2012, 12:35 pm

        “Sure, you could choose to pretend to let it go”

        I think that is all that needs to be said. If the LW stays with this guy, that’s all she’ll be doing- PRETENDING. Because this is not something she will honestly be able to let go.

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      • Kate B.

        Kate B May 30, 2012, 9:22 pm

        It may be “one in a thousand guys” who would do this, but it’s what I would expect. If he didn’t delete the pics and cut off contact with the girl immediately, he wouldn’t be my guy any more. If that makes me a bitch, so be it.

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      • avatar

        Nadine May 30, 2012, 11:22 pm

        Then I’m a bitch too. I dont even mind harmless flirting/hugging/friendship with ex’s, but naked photos of a friend is my line.

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      • avatar

        SweetPeaG May 31, 2012, 12:36 pm

        I am a big fat bitch as well.

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      • avatar

        bostonpupgal May 31, 2012, 1:08 pm

        Count me into the bitch pile as well. I literally cannot imagine my fiance doing this, he would delete the images, tell me they were sent, and cut off all contact. That’s exactly what I would do too. Any guy who kept the photos and kept them from me isn’t decent, and isn’t worth my time

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      • Kate B.

        Kate B. May 31, 2012, 1:31 pm

        Sounds like we got us a club. “Come and join us in the bitch pile!”

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      • avatar

        Temperance May 31, 2012, 10:57 pm

        Yep. Quite honestly, not only would I expect him to immediately TELL ME, I would expect him to stop hanging out with her. Forever. Because she’s a freaking skank and likes the attention, and YOU DO NOT GIVE A MOUSE A COOKIE, GODDAMNIT.

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      • avatar

        A guy June 1, 2012, 10:15 pm

        From a guy’s POV: I’ve known girls like this flirty-pants chick, and when there aren’t any women around, she’ll be the topic of conversation. Guys usually fall into two broad categories: the ones who ridicule her (attention-seeking, stupid, and “whore” as Erica called it is pretty strong language, but I’ve heard guys say all that and more), and the ones who stay silent, dumbstruck that she’d act that way. The betting money is that her best guy friends are the ones who ridicule behind her back– these guys will egg her on, sleep with her if they can, and she’ll confuse their arousal and bullying for attention and friendship. BTW two of the girls like this I’ve known were married, and both eventually cheated… with other married men from their friends.

        What worries me is the LW’s situation. The boyfriend already had the boundaries talk, and didn’t see fit to mention the emails, or to put a stop to it. He could have said, “you know, you’re right, I’ll avoid her from now on.” and ACTUALLY CUT HER OFF, and not mentioned the emails to get a hall pass from me, but he didn’t. He’s either a cheating sleaze in training, or a wimp who can’t avoid a bad situation (that happens much more often than many women realize). He may not ever sleep with this woman, but if offered the chance he probably won’t turn her down.

        Either way she should dump him. Not because of the masturbation, not even because of the pictures or flirting, but because she had the talk and that was his chance to come clean or cut the woman off and he didn’t do either. If she doesn’t dump him, he’ll interpret her forgiveness as permission, or assume she thinks he’s such hot stuff that it’s worth putting up with. And if you make him cut her off, then suddenly in his eyes it’s you being the villain. You flat-out don’t want this guy raising your kids.

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      • becboo84

        BecBoo84 June 6, 2012, 1:09 pm

        I have no idea about “every decent guy,” but I can say rather strongly than any guide I would consider “decent” enough to date, would immediately delete the pictures and terminate the friendship. It that didn’t happen, he would no longer be in the “decent’ category.

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    • avatar

      DMR May 30, 2012, 6:45 pm

      “I can’t believe he admitted to jerking off to the picture. W h a t an idiot! I’d break up with him for both the breach of loyalty and stupidity. ”

      Exactly. This isn’t like getting off to porn. These are pictures of a real girl that he knows who is hitting on him. Jerking off to those pictures basically indicates that he wants her.

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  • avatar

    kerrycontrary May 30, 2012, 3:14 pm

    Oh my god….I can’t even believe people like this woman (not the LW) exist in reali life. I am 100 percent with Wendy. It is NOT OK for your boyfriend to JO to a girl he knows in real life who sends him pictures. And even though your boyfriend says he “won’t cross a line”, guess what? He already did. You are not being unreasonable, your boyfriend and his group of friends are jerks who actively choose to spend time with and associate with nasty women like this. You know that there is something wrong and you should break up with this guy, so please follow your gut.

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    • avatar

      FancyPants May 30, 2012, 3:24 pm

      “And even though your boyfriend says he “won’t cross a line”, guess what? He already did.”

      This. A million times this.

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      • avatar

        Vathena May 30, 2012, 3:25 pm

        YES.

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    • katie

      katie May 30, 2012, 4:31 pm

      i can understand if jerking off to nude pics of a girl he knows in real life isnt crossing a line for some people, for others IT TOTALLY IS CROSSING A LINE!!

      the LW needs to decide if this is a line for her. it would be a line for me for freaking sure. cheating doesnt have to be the only thing that falls under crossing a line.

      preach.

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  • caitie_didnt

    caitie_didnt May 30, 2012, 3:16 pm

    Bitch be crazy.

    But LW: I must say, you seem to have handled this with total class and grace, so props to you! (seriously). I’d still MOA though.

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    • avatar

      MsMisery May 31, 2012, 1:55 pm

      Agree to this!

      LW, continue the self-improvement stuff… without him! Get all cute and fit and well-read and leave this drama behind.

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  • avatar

    jlyfsh May 30, 2012, 3:17 pm

    Yeah that is just creepy, who sends their male friends nude pictures of themselves? If you want to stay this is one time I would put my foot down and say it’s either her or me. She’s not a good person to be friends with at all and she obviously doesn’t respect any boundaries. If he’s not willing to let go of her as a friend I would stay far far away from all of them, I actually would probably stay far away either way. And I agree with AP why tell you he jerked off to the photo? Bleh, just so creepy.

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    • avatar

      Temperance May 31, 2012, 10:58 pm

      A cheap hussy, that’s who!

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  • avatar

    lets_be_honest May 30, 2012, 3:18 pm

    HOLY CRAP!! Like everyone else, I did NOT see that coming. Are you f’in kidding me?!?! Your boyfriend is jerking off to one of his friends? You need to RUNNNNN from this before your already horrible self esteem is demolished for good. Everyone involved in this, your bf, his friends, and this skank, is making me want to puke. I cannot even imagine if I found this out. I feel sorry for you.

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    • avatar

      lets_be_honest May 30, 2012, 3:19 pm

      Honestly, while I try not to blame the other woman too much, I would go crazy on this chick. She knows you. You’ve been nice to her. And she’s sending spank bank photos to your bf? WTF all around.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest May 30, 2012, 3:20 pm

        Even in just trying to imagine if this happened to me I’m getting pissed off.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest May 30, 2012, 3:21 pm

        OK, I think the most mature approach would be taking nude photos of yourself and emailing them to all of his friends, and cc’ing him. Yes. That’s the best way to deal with this.

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      • JK

        JK May 30, 2012, 3:26 pm

        I´d go for taking nude pictures of HIM and sending them to all his friends. 🙂

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      • avatar

        camille905 May 30, 2012, 3:28 pm

        THIS!!! Except then she would have nude photos of herself out there.

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      • Brad

        Brad May 30, 2012, 6:13 pm

        agreed. You can cc me too if you’d like. 😛

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      • avatar

        matcha May 30, 2012, 3:24 pm

        I’d be like, “YOU. ME. OUTSIDE. NOW. TIME TO THROWDOWN, BITCH.”

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest May 30, 2012, 3:29 pm

        Right?! I’m not one whose known for going gansta-bitch-barbie, but if ever I was this would do it.

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      • katie

        katie May 30, 2012, 4:38 pm

        points for gansta-bitch-barbie

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      • Brad

        Brad May 30, 2012, 10:42 pm

        If anyone sees a youtube video of a guy playing with gansta-bitch-barbie and it happens to look like me … well it’s not me OK. … Stop looking at me like that… I don’t play with dolls. Seriously it isn’t me.

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      • avatar

        kerrycontrary May 30, 2012, 3:34 pm

        Yeh…I’ve only been thrown out of a bar once, and it was for going after a girl who was telling crazy rumors about me. I didn’t even touch her. But this girl…there would be some problems.

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      • avatar

        Christy May 30, 2012, 3:49 pm

        Kerry, I’m trying to picture you needing to get thrown out of a bar. I can imagine you being vicious, but it’s a bit of a stretch.

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      • buttoned

        buttoned May 30, 2012, 5:56 pm

        I think it’s time for this girl to take out her earrings and prepare for a good throwdown. Or drive by. Either one. Actually LW, just quietly take out both the nasty girl and your boyfriend and make a trip to Cabo and find a nice cabana boy named George.

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  • avatar

    matcha May 30, 2012, 3:18 pm

    Okay, now that I’ve recovered from the shock:

    Plus, if you keep dating him, what are you gonna do now? Go up to this woman and say, “Stop sending pics to my boyfriend?” Then she’s either going to ramp up this stupid arms war and just plain try to seduce him or your boyfriend is going to have to cut her and everybody else off. Considering he didn’t immediately respond and say,”WTF, I have a girlfriend,” I don’t think he’d be up for that.

    Too much trouble. Get to da chopper!

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    • avatar

      ArtsyGirly May 30, 2012, 7:53 pm

      Even better to do it in public with plenty of the men’s girlfriends around so they all know that this “lady” has totally crossed the line and most likely did it to their boyfriends too. Also, you had better believe that my man would have a nice size 6 shoe print on his ass if I found that that he was receiving nude pictures and jerking off of a female friend when he had dismissed my concerns. Talk about gas lighting.

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  • avatar

    GatorGirl May 30, 2012, 3:21 pm

    So this woman might have her life “together” but she seriously has some issues. All of the flirting and sending nude-y pictures- she has got to have some self esteem issues or is just plain old nuts. What woman in her right mind send multiple men, who are all friends, pictures of their naked self?? I don’t even like sending my fiance naked pictures!

    And yea, I’d dump him. And get away from that crazy B.

    Woah.

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  • SweetsAndBeats

    SweetsAndBeats May 30, 2012, 3:23 pm

    Also, LW, I know it may sound completely crazy at this stage, but I’d suggest trying to feel sorry for this girl. Yes her behavior is completely classless and disrespectful and is definitely someone I wouldn’t recommend being friends with, but no woman is going to act like this without having gone through some hurtful experiences herself. Based on your letters, it sounds to me like this girl actually suffers greatly from low self esteem and probably has a host of personal issues and a bad history, maybe even being victimized when she was younger. I know I’m stretching a bit here, but it’s just been my personal experience that girls don’t act like she does without being hurt by other people first. Obviously she does not value herself, does not have any friends (and maybe doesn’t have a good relationship with her family), and is so desperate for friendship and belonging that she thinks she has to resort to CC nude photos of herself to her male acquaintances in order to have a social life. That, to me, is just sad. I am a Christian, and it helps me to pray for the people who harm me like this girl has harmed you, because I know that it all happened because these people have serious issues. You’re going to be okay, but this girl obviously isn’t.

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    • avatar

      lets_be_honest May 30, 2012, 3:26 pm

      Yea, this is a huge stretch. You say she doesn’t have friends, but LW made it clear she has many, male and female. While this is pathetic behavior, its not hte LW’s place to feel sorry for this girl.

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      • SweetsAndBeats

        SweetsAndBeats May 30, 2012, 3:28 pm

        “Friends” is a relative term. I’d go so far as to suspect that she’s more of the type of person you invite along because you’re sure to get a show, not because their company is actually appreciated. I used to be friends with a girl just like this, actually, because she was always so “wild and crazy” and I wanted to be “wild and crazy” vicariously. We were not actually friends, though.

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      • avatar

        matcha May 30, 2012, 3:29 pm

        Sounds like you’re reaching based on what the LW wrote. Maybe her family’s not supportive and maybe all the many female friends she has aren’t really her friends. I think she’s just a narcissist.

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      • SweetsAndBeats

        SweetsAndBeats May 30, 2012, 3:31 pm

        Well, both theories are just as likely. I just think it’d be best for the LW to go zen about it.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest May 30, 2012, 3:33 pm

        I just went on what the LW said, the only person on this page who actually knows the girl.
        Listen, I’m not saying this girl isn’t fucked up in the head. But the suggestion that she should be focusing on feeling sorry for her right now, rather than being rightfully pissed at her and the bf, is poorly timed at best.

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      • SweetsAndBeats

        SweetsAndBeats May 30, 2012, 3:35 pm

        Getting angry is just poisoning yourself, it doesn’t do you any good. If the LW feels that she needs some time being angry, then that’s what is best for her! But I felt that it was worth reminding her that there is another viable route to go down in order to find closure and inner peace.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest May 30, 2012, 3:39 pm

        OK, mom 🙂 Seriously, you sound just like my mom. Its lovely advice. I hope she takes it, after she gets angry and dumps him.

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      • avatar

        matcha May 30, 2012, 3:40 pm

        I agree that STAYING angry is unhealthy. But I think in certain instances, people do ridiculous things because they are so sure no one will start a confrontation and call them out on their poor behavior. At this point, calling her out on her bad behavior (and personally alerting all the other girlfriends in the group) is nothing more than standing up for herself and anything else is just enabling her.

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      • avatar

        matcha May 30, 2012, 3:41 pm

        (Although honestly, calling her out probably won’t change a thing. Better to just bounce and get out of that group.)

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      • Lili

        Lili May 30, 2012, 3:43 pm

        I just wanted to add that I really appreciate your comments about being Zen and being Christian. Honestly, I don’t get how so many people claim to be Christian but then spew such hateful vitriol (certain politicos come to mind). Makes me want to go up and ask them if they really feel like Christ’s message was pointless, because you’re just acting purely on hate and rage.

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      • Budj

        Budj May 30, 2012, 4:35 pm

        Just saying I agree. Tough advice to swallow, but probably the most mentally healthy way to go about it.

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      • avatar

        convexed May 30, 2012, 9:11 pm

        You don’t want to repress shit though. And even if calling her out doesn’t solve the whole problem, it might plant a little seed of doubt in her mind. Or give her cause to re-evaluate the power of her opponents, those girls she so casually treats like shit because she thinks nothing will ever come around to her hot self.
        Calling her out is the fair and decent thing to do. If you want to feel sorry for her, do her the courtesy of warning her that every time she pulls shit like this, she comes closer to pulling it on people less tolerant than you. You know?

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      • avatar

        painted_lady May 31, 2012, 1:03 am

        You know, I also wonder, although women, for reasons understandable and also for completely BS reasons, are seen as less of a threat in the “sexual predator” sense, what’s going to happen when she tries this shit with someone who’s far less receptive? I mean, if this were a man sending unwelcome naked pics repeatedly to a group of women, eventually he’s going to get a visit from the police. One day she’s going to end up with someone’s angry wife, or even an angry guy, who turns her in, or fires her, or publishes that shit online where it will permanently affect her life. So, yeah, an honest conversation rather than a beatdown or a screaming match, and then let it take care of itself…

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    • avatar

      GatorGirl May 30, 2012, 3:38 pm

      You know, I agree with you. One does not flirt continuously with other people’s boyfriends and send mass e-mails with naked pictures with out being a bit off mentally speaking. And I assume that her self esteem issues come from somewhere- it could even be so simple as having a super harsh father or a previous boyfriend who was really controlling.

      What ever the reason this girl acts this way, doesn’t excuse your boyfriends actions. I would still leave him based on all of this.

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    • avatar

      jlyfsh May 30, 2012, 4:19 pm

      yeah i agree sweets i don’t know what exactly is going on with her but something is ‘off’ if she finds it appropriate to send nude pictures of herself to close friends. i would definitely feel sorry for her. I will admit that I would definitely feel anger before that.

      Reply Link
    • TaraMonster

      TaraMonster May 30, 2012, 3:38 pm

      OR the woman has Narcissistic Personality Disorder and doesn’t feel any empathy, but feeds on attention from others. In which case, I feel sorry for her that she has a mental illness, but maybe I’m stretching too. We can’t really know. But LW has been wronged by her and should tell her to go fly a kite- off a cliff.

      Reply Link
      • avatar

        Flake May 30, 2012, 4:00 pm

        Or she is simply an ass

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    • avatar

      Temperance May 31, 2012, 11:01 pm

      I’m an atheist, so I feel pretty comfortable hating her bitch face. I also kind of wish I had your optimism. I met several chicks like this one in my life, and they all had TOO MUCH self esteem, and got off on having one “over” the girlfriend or wife. I have met women with low self esteem who do sexual stuff with guys that they don’t like, but they are usually obvious and sad, not cunning and catty.

      Then again, when I was a Christian, I used to pray that people would act right, not that I would change. LOL

      Reply Link
  • avatar

    HmC May 30, 2012, 3:24 pm

    “I didn’t break up with him though because he seemed to be telling the truth.”

    A) He didn’t tell you the truth, he confessed only when you cornered him with irrefutable proof.

    B) Honesty should not be reason alone to stay with someone. It should be the bare minimum. What about what he DID? If he was an axe murderer but confessed, then no problemo because he was honest?

    He masturbated to inappropriate pics from a disturbed girl that he hangs out with. Who flirts constantly. No problem with those actions? What else isn’t he telling you in the interest of “protecting” you?

    I would dump him.

    Reply Link
    • avatar

      Samantha May 30, 2012, 4:02 pm

      “He confessed only when you cornered him with irrefutable proof”
      EXACTLY! This guy is not honest. He was hiding these from the LW until she called him out on it!
      Dump him. Find someone who is actually honest, by default, and then you’ll have a better start at a good relationship.

      Reply Link
      • avatar

        A guy June 1, 2012, 10:43 pm

        TOTALLY. He lied for as long as he could. He didn’t come in hat in hand with a heavy conscience– you caught him dead to rights after denying it. What the LW knows so far is the absolute minimum that he had to admit. She has absolutely no idea how far this has gone.

        I’ve known several girls like this one. The married ones cheated, and all of them poached married guys at one point or another. Girls like this tend to be limited purely by opportunity. The LW certainly can’t trust this woman not to offer sex or slightly-less-than-sex, and she can’t trust her BF to refuse. Guys who she thinks can’t be tempted aren’t going to be in her friends circle (or on her email list) to begin with. I’d be very surprised if they haven’t done something physical already– maybe not sex, but touching or groping or kissing. For your purposes as the betrayed GF, it hardly matters– he’s dump-worthy already just with what you know.

        There’s a time for hate. Making this woman socially radioactive and dumping your boyfriend is how we as a society limit the number of people who behave this way. And there’s self-respect, too. What kind of person are you if you forgive this?

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  • avatar

    ktfran May 30, 2012, 3:24 pm

    I think I’m one of the more liberal commenters here, but even I would dump him. Seriosuly. He and his friend both crossed a line that is unacceptable.

    Even though you think this chick is put together, she has serious issues. And her friends – like your boyfriend – are enabling her. It’s all icky. Especially for people in their mid twenties.

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  • avatar

    A May 30, 2012, 3:24 pm

    I wouldnt dump him just yet- while not ideal technically he hasnt done anything too bad yet if everything else is great, but he is getting close. You can fault him for telling the truth ( and lets be honest give a guy a naked pic of any chic you know what he is going to do with it!!!) also she has sent the pic to a bunch of guys so she isnt singling out your man,

    Having said that clearly this girl is messed up, and your bf is very close to the line…so i would do as wendy advises and let him know there is a choice he has to make, her or you. And she may be good for a picture…but sounds like thats all its worth to him!
    If nothing else your looking and feeling great, so make sure you take that with you whatever happens.

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    • avatar

      A May 30, 2012, 3:26 pm

      sorry- i meant you CANT fault him for telling the truth

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    • avatar

      lets_be_honest May 30, 2012, 3:28 pm

      Are you kidding? I hope you forgot the Amiright?

      Reply Link
      • avatar

        Mel May 30, 2012, 3:32 pm

        Bwahahaha I’m giggling like an idiot xD

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    • honeybeenicki

      honeybeenicki May 30, 2012, 3:53 pm

      “and lets be honest give a guy a naked pic of any chic you know what he is going to do with it!!!”
      I know what would happen in the better scenario. While we were dating, one of my husband’s friends sent something kind of like this (not even full on nude) and you know what he did? Just after he received it, he turned to me, said “can you believe what **** sent to me?!”, showed it to me, deleted the picture and her number after sending her a WTF, I have a girlfriend text and hasn’t spoken to her since. That’s what should happen.

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      • avatar

        A May 30, 2012, 3:57 pm

        agreed- thats absolutely what should happen…but- if your husband told you he took it to the bathroom- would yuo divorce him?

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest May 30, 2012, 4:03 pm

        See Vathena’s comment below: “Hey women! If we collectively begin putting up with less shit, then maybe we can reduce the general amount of shit and get some freakin’ respect instead!!)”

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      • avatar

        A May 30, 2012, 4:08 pm

        its shit- agreed 100%. BUT, its easy to tell a girl to jump- MOA and leave the guy behind, however she has invested a year in a relationship, may well love the guy, who knows…the point is while she would be totally justfied in telling him its over, or giving him an ultimatum, is that what will make her happiest in the long run? and is what he did in the scheme of things a complete game changer?

        she is young and this is her first serious relationship so maybe this will be a heartache on the road to happiness…btu if she loves this guy- after a year of happiness, is MOA necessarily the best thing? Its easier to say ” lets fight the fight for all women” when your not the one who has to jump ship.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest May 30, 2012, 4:19 pm

        Never being able to trust your filthy boyfriend is a damn good reason to MOA, especially after only 1 year.

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      • avatar

        A guy June 1, 2012, 11:02 pm

        Read the original letter. The guys who cultivate friendships with girls like this are not the guys you want to be marrying. And in the first letter, the LW said this girl was in his “close social circle”. She’s wondering how people like this girl so much, but what she’s missing is that THESE people like her. The ones who don’t have long since left, as she should. She’s been deluding herself about how nice a guy her BF really is, and that’s part of learning about relationships.

        Maybe he is too weak to want to rock the boat. Maybe he’s getting a little on the side. Who cares? Forget whether or not he’s worth it– we know the answer to that because this behavior REVEALS his worth. Even if all you care about is looks, status and money in your guys, there are tons of guys with all three, plus character.

        She already had The Talk with her BF. And he totally deceived her. When something like this happened to me, I told my GF (now wife) immediately. THAT’S how not to hurt her. Keeping silent and later lying is him protecting himself (and protecting his access to the other girl).

        As for love? This is the LW’s first serious relationship. There will be others. She’ll love some of them, too, assuming she even loves THIS cad in the first place. Better to dump him now and be glad she only had to invest one year to learn this life lesson.

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      • avatar

        Vathena May 31, 2012, 11:55 am

        Oh yeah, this guy is total husband material. I mean, I know MY husband would want me to be cool with hanging out with some skank who wants to show him her goods all the time. I mean, it not like he’s actually banging her. It’s totally acceptable to say there’s nothing going on, then turn around and spank it to the photos she sends out. Man, if this bf is so awesome to her after she’s invested one year of utter bliss, how much better is he gonna be after she’s invested all her BEST years in this relationship and let all the lame-o “good guys” go off the market?! Who wants to get with one of those guys anyway?! Amiright?!

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      • Brad

        Brad May 31, 2012, 12:21 pm

        Hmm now it all makes sense!!! No wonder so few of my messages get responded to! Maybe I should buy one of those “how to be a bad boy” self help books afterall…

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      • avatar

        Amanda May 31, 2012, 8:42 am

        Preach it lady!

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      • avatar

        Amanda May 30, 2012, 4:05 pm

        Yes

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      • avatar

        matcha May 30, 2012, 4:08 pm

        If he were my husband, maybe not, that mofo would have to make some changes fast and be taken to counseling stat.

        If he were my boyfriend, absolutely, I’d dump him.

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      • avatar

        A May 30, 2012, 4:09 pm

        maybe marriage makes things more serious for you then simply being BF and GF in a serious relationship, but thats not true for everyone, why does being married mean go to counseling where only being in a serious relationship means immediately leave?????

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest May 30, 2012, 4:15 pm

        Doesnt marriage make things more serious for everyone?

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      • avatar

        jlyfsh May 30, 2012, 4:17 pm

        agreed, being married should definitely be more serious than a relationship where you’ve only been dating for a year.

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      • avatar

        A May 30, 2012, 4:19 pm

        i think there are plenty of people out there who have very long term relationships with plenty invested who would tell you that they dont need marriage to be serious… a serious relationship is serious because thats how the participants feel about it

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest May 30, 2012, 4:24 pm

        You’re arguing a point that isn’t applicable here. This is a first love, 1 year relationship, clearly not a long term ‘we don’t believe in marriage’ type of relationship.

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      • avatar

        Rachel May 30, 2012, 4:24 pm

        “Very long term” relationships, sure. This girl has been with the guy for 1 year.

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      • avatar

        ele4phant May 30, 2012, 4:22 pm

        Agreed. To me marriage is a binding commitment where you obligate yourself to work through pretty much anything.

        A exclusive committed relationship? Um, there’s a little more leeway to go “Your behavior was unacceptable, and I’m outta here.”

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      • avatar

        matcha May 30, 2012, 4:17 pm

        Maybe if I’d been married to him for 10 years and have been in a serious committed relationship with him for 10 years, then the answer would be the same.

        But she’s been dating this a guy for a year. Is it worth it to try to sort through all this trouble? It sounds like he’s too well integrated into this group to make the kind of changes that the LW would need plus she doesn’t have the enough ‘data’ on whether this was a stupid mistake or a character trait.

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      • avatar

        matcha May 30, 2012, 4:19 pm

        Add to that the fact that he didn’t brush off the flirting.
        Then he didn’t brush off the photos.
        Then he says, “Look, I know my limits.”

        Maybe, maybe not. But he doesn’t know respect. In the first year of your relationship should you have to deal with problems like those?

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      • avatar

        A May 30, 2012, 4:22 pm

        I agree with you matcha, a year is less invested- and the GF doesnt really express quite how deep in this she is ( plus if its her first relationship she is young and there are plenty of good fish in the sea) But i guess if she puts the ultimatum to him and he immediately gives up this friendship and the group and she is ok with that- for me I dont feel that would necessary be the collossal mistake many others here think it would be. I agree with you on the data as well though.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest May 30, 2012, 4:28 pm

        I’m curious what other behavior you think should be tolerated so as to save a relationship that is doomed. Honestly.

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      • avatar

        A May 30, 2012, 4:33 pm

        I think she should tolerate whatever it is she feels she wants to for the sake of the relationship. If that means dumping him do it, if it means giving him an ultimatum do that, if it means working to stay together because she loves him then do so. I am saying that there are feelings involved and saying “MOA” is easy. Its not necessarily the wrong answer but it doesnt have to be the only answer if she feels its worth sticknig with the guy.

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl May 30, 2012, 4:20 pm

        Being married is way more serious then a GF/BF in my opinion.Thats why you get married…

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      • honeybeenicki

        honeybeenicki May 30, 2012, 4:09 pm

        As my husband? No, probably not for that. But since we were only dating at the time, I probably would have kicked his ass to the curb.

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl May 30, 2012, 4:10 pm

        Thats what I would expect my fiance to do. We might not go to a wedding of a friend because of a girl like this nudy picture chick who will be there. Because he doesn’t want to be remotely associated with her.

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      • avatar

        A May 30, 2012, 4:12 pm

        agreed- i think the LW needs to demand her bf make a decision the gf or the friend, and if its even a moments hesitation…then its time for her to leave.

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl May 30, 2012, 4:18 pm

        Yup. For me it’s about not putting yourself in a bad situation. Of course I expect my fiance (as he expects of me) that he will not cheat- but we also avoid situations where we know bad influences are. If this relationship is going to continue, the guy and nudy girl can not be friends any more. He should cut her completely out of his life.

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      • avatar

        A May 30, 2012, 4:23 pm

        agreed 100%

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      • avatar

        june May 30, 2012, 6:32 pm

        See….. I feel like he’s already chosen the “friend” over the LW. In the update, she says, “I then tried to calm down and tell him how I feel about her and the whole situation and how inappropriate I think she is. His response: ‘Yeah, the flirting and the pics were a little over the top, but don’t worry, I know my limits and I won’t cross a line and cheat on you.'”

        Really? Way to put her mind at ease, bro, after hiding the pictures and jerking it to them. After everything that’s happened, he should be VOLUNTEERING to end this “friendship” once and for all, and begging the LW for forgiveness. A good boyfriend would realize this situation is TOXIC to his relationship and his girlfriend’s sense of security and cut that out of his life without hesitation. Give him an ultimatum? Fuck that. He clearly already gave his answer.

        Aaand I have a sneaking feeling if the LW’s hot guy friend were sending the LW hot naked pics, the boyfriend wouldn’t brush it off as just “a little over the top.”

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      • avatar

        Temperance May 31, 2012, 11:14 pm

        Seriously, masturbating and looking at the photos was inappropriate. I even consider that cheating – it’s not pornography, and it’s destroying the relationship.

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    • caitie_didnt

      caitie_didn't May 30, 2012, 4:15 pm

      See, attitudes like this are a). sad and b). screw over all women everywhere. Like the excellent comment below points out, women need to collectively stop taking bullshit like this. The women who tolerate this behaviour are ruining things not only for themselves but for other women. Because they tolerate behaviour like this and make excuses for it, other women feel that they have to do the same-because if they don’t, their boyfriends/fiances/husbands will find a woman that will.

      I honestly can’t believe that you’d advocate that she stay with this guy in good conscience. Yeah it’s been a year, but it’s a year, not a marriage. What would you say the “line” is that he’d have to cross? actually sticking it in her?

      And if “telling the truth” is something that should be rewarded and not a minimum standard of decency expected of everybody, then man, the human race is screwed.

      women of the world: let’s stop tolerating this bullshit, once and for all.

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      • avatar

        A May 30, 2012, 4:25 pm

        i made the comment about being truthful because someone above called the BF an idiot for being honest.

        the reality is that while the bf is clearly an idiot, this problem leads back to another woman- so saying women need to stop tolerating this BS is not so simple!

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      • avatar

        Mel May 30, 2012, 4:30 pm

        I don’t think “women of the world” includes that skank.

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      • avatar

        A May 30, 2012, 4:36 pm

        unfortunately i think the number of women willing to sell others out is not insignificant..sadly women dont always back each other whether related to romance or related even for example in the workplace.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest May 30, 2012, 4:38 pm

        Well then lets try to UP the amount of women who won’t put up with BS from dirtbag men or women.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest May 30, 2012, 4:30 pm

        The boyfriend wasn’t honest though! He was cornered with irrefutable information.

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      • avatar

        ele4phant May 30, 2012, 4:36 pm

        Yes. If, when the girlfriend brought first brought up her concerns, he brushed it off and told her not to worry. Despite knowing that this girl was going above and beyond what could be constitute friendly, appropriate teasing.

        Of course its not his fault if the girl was sending him unsolicited pictures, but rather than accept them silently, he could have made an effort to tell her to knock it off. Or told his girlfriend, “Yes, sometimes she crosses a line” and distanced himself from this friend while having a girlfriend.

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      • avatar

        matcha May 30, 2012, 4:44 pm

        This. It wasn’t as if he didn’t know she thought this girl was inappropriate. Trying to soothe her (“This girl is inappropriate and I don’t like it.”) by telling her to not worry (“Don’t worry, she’s just a little flirty.”) while at the same time she’s sending him pics and he’s ‘using’ them? That’s a lie, plain and simple.

        And at the core of it: He wanted his girlfriend to be content with the current situation and convinced her she should be WHILE that other girl gave him certain perks that he didn’t do anything to dissuade.

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      • avatar

        ele4phant May 30, 2012, 5:00 pm

        Yes. Obviously the interloper here is by FAR the one holding the most blame. But the BF clearly was being a bit slimy too.

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  • avatar

    Vathena May 30, 2012, 3:25 pm

    Oh, HELL to the no. This is not a decent man. I can’t even fathom the sleaze involved here. This is a guy who thinks it’s fine to receive naked pictures of his friend and jerk off to them? He thinks it’s fine to not have ANY sense of respectable boundaries? He shouldn’t even have a “friend” like that as a single person! This is not a man at all. Can you imagine building a life with this guy, having him be the father of your kids, knowing he thinks that there is NOTHING wrong with his behavior (nice excuse for hiding it from you, btw)? There are real men out there. Dump that zero and get yourself a hero. (Where’s BitterGayMark to talk about how women put up with so much SHIT it’s unbelievable?! Hey women! If we collectively begin putting up with less shit, then maybe we can reduce the general amount of shit and get some freakin’ respect instead!!) (Also, seriously, that woman is damaged. An emotionally healthy person does not send naked-photo mass emails to all her male friends.)

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  • avatar

    sarita_f May 30, 2012, 3:26 pm

    Oh good god. Break up with the guy, completely and totally. His actions have consequences. His explanations are weak. Don’t allow this kind of bullshit behavior to continue.

    This incident (on top of the background) will always be in the back of your mind and you will never shake it. That’s a miserable way to conduct a relationship. Trust.

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  • Will.i.am

    Will.i.am May 30, 2012, 3:26 pm

    From a guy, the fact that he told you he masturbates about this girl, means HE HAS NO RESPECT FOR YOU!! You are easily replacable, so remove yourself before he does it for you.

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  • avatar

    kerrycontrary May 30, 2012, 3:31 pm

    Oh, and can we also talk about how the scumbag boyfriend said “the flirting and the pics were a little over the top”. Is that not the understatement of the year? They were majorly inappropriate!!

    Reply Link
  • MaterialsGirl

    MaterialsGirl May 30, 2012, 3:32 pm

    grab the other girlfriends and all mass exodus… seriously.

    Reply Link
  • BriarRose

    BriarRose May 30, 2012, 3:34 pm

    You are not being “controlling and unreasonably jealous”. You are having the same reaction that any normal person would have to this creeptastic behavior. Your BF shouldn’t have to reassure you he won’t cheat on you. Just please realize that if you stay with him, you will likely always be worried about that. Is that really the life you want for yourself? I guarantee you that if you break up with him, you will be sad/devastated/etc-all the normal break up feelings and crap-but that in a few months you will start to feel infinitely better once all of that stress and bullshit is out of your life!

    Reply Link
  • Fabelle

    Fabelle May 30, 2012, 3:35 pm

    Okay, I read the masturbating part differently because she says “when I met him…” Does that mean when they FIRST started dating, he admitted that he’s jerked off to this girl’s pictures? Like, in the past? or is it really that he’s STILL jerking off to them whenever she sends them?

    Still, this is rididulous & I definitely wouldn’t accept “I know my limits” as an answer. I also wouldn’t be so quick to COMPLETELY demonize the girl– people typically don’t send nude pics unless they are requested. I really doubt she’s randomly sending these dudes pictures, without them texting first like “take any good pics lately?” or AT LEAST giving positive feedback. Otherwise, there is no incentive.

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    • avatar

      jlyfsh May 30, 2012, 3:38 pm

      I think she meant when they met to discuss…at least that’s how I read it…

      Reply Link
      • Fabelle

        Fabelle May 30, 2012, 3:47 pm

        Ooh, wait. You are probably right.

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  • Kristina

    Kristina May 30, 2012, 3:36 pm

    Oh lordy. There is a huge difference between getting nude pictures from a girl and telling your girlfriend about it immediately than pretending it didn’t happen and hiding it from you. He can’t help if someone sends him something unexpectedly (happened to me), but he can certainly help his actions. And his actions showed that he doesn’t respect you or your relationship enough. Period.

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  • avatar

    Leah May 30, 2012, 3:39 pm

    Where does he think this magical “line” that he won’t cross is? Inside this girl’s vagina?

    A big, huge, obvious, deal-breaking line has already been crossed. I’d dump him. Then I’d try very hard to fight the urge to print those pictures out and jam them down this girl’s throat!

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    • avatar

      june May 30, 2012, 6:38 pm

      Just the tip doesn’t really count…

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  • Will.i.am

    Will.i.am May 30, 2012, 3:41 pm

    What am I doing wrong, since it appears these creeps can get not only one, but two girls to flirt and be with them at the same time?

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    • avatar

      matcha May 30, 2012, 3:45 pm

      Step 1) Look like a good guy and fool a nice girl into dating you
      Step 2) Be a creep, get the women who apparently like that

      Reply Link
      • Will.i.am

        Will.i.am May 30, 2012, 3:47 pm

        Bet. Going to put on my douche attire as soon as I get home and go pick up some bishes. *sarcasm*

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    • avatar

      GatorGirl May 30, 2012, 4:00 pm

      It’s sad but true that a lot of women are attracted to total assholes. I was for a long time, and honestly my fiance was having an asshole phase when we started dating.

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      • Will.i.am

        Will.i.am May 30, 2012, 4:54 pm

        Asshole brings protection, most of the time. When I was running through women, I acted like I didn’t care and they ate it up. The moment I was genuine, the true me, these new girls never gave me any play. You have to ultimately be a genuine asshole!

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  • avatar

    Pinky May 30, 2012, 3:47 pm

    Dear Letter Writer,

    Without trust, there is nothing. Can you ever really trust this guy again? This whole group dynamic sounds toxic. Do you really want to be around people like this? Don’t you think you deserve better?

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    • avatar

      AnotherWendy May 30, 2012, 9:05 pm

      Yes! Do you really want to be around people like this LW. Look at the drama this chick has created in this circle of friends. And they are all allowing her to do it. Toxic people, incredibly immature, or just creepy, they are people to avoid. If you want to try to justify his actions with the pics, fine. But don’t ignore that your bf likes all this creepiness going on in his circle of friends. That speaks volumes about him.

      Reply Link
  • rainbow

    rainbow May 30, 2012, 3:55 pm

    God, this is disgusting and sad.

    This woman as a huge problem, or she wouldn’t be doing this.
    You have one too, or you wouldn’t even consider staying with the shadeball of a boyfriend you have after what just happened.
    And the dude? Come on. You have to have A LOT of free time, a 15-year-old’s brain and no respect for the people in your life (in this case you, LW) to consider it a good idea to keep this girl around, because it’s obvious she will be trouble. Classless trouble.

    I say dump the cheap freak and don’t date anyone else until you are disgusted every time you remember you considered staying.

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  • Budj

    Budj May 30, 2012, 3:57 pm

    I’m really sorry about this….but I have to say this is by far the best letter update I have read.

    It’s your perogative to dump him or not….but I would say at the very least if he doesn’t stop hanging out with this girl that you should dump him without a doubt…

    I don’t even know where to start with the other girl in this situation…she sounds scary…and I’d never want her to be my gf if that makes you feel any better about it…even if she is slamming-ly hott.

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    • Fabelle

      Fabelle May 30, 2012, 4:15 pm

      haha, I agree that this is definitely the most entertaining update so far (sorry LW!)

      Reply Link
      • Budj

        Budj May 30, 2012, 4:25 pm

        Yea – I should have clarified “best” meaning most entertaining / shock value. What an unexpected twist…

        Definitely not the “best” as far as positive outcomes are concerned.

        I do want to amend my post and say that it’s quite possible the reason the bf didn’t tell the lw is because if he told her then she would obviously make him stop being friends with her. To me it sounds like this group of guy’s best interest is to say “see ya” to this girl, but….I don’t think they are the type of guys to do this…as evidenced by this letter.

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      • caitie_didnt

        caitie_didnt May 30, 2012, 4:29 pm

        yeah seriously, this bunch of sleazeballs has it MADE right now. They have girlfriends who seem to tolerate their skanky ho friend, a skanky ho “friend” to send them spank bank material, and a girl to hook up with RIGHT THERE if their girlfriends leave.

        ew ew ew

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  • avatar

    AndreaMarie May 30, 2012, 4:06 pm

    OH MY GOD LW please MOA! There are other men out there. This is so messed up and toxic on so many levels. First of all, NO this girl is not in a “happy place”. She clearly has mental issues. She sent naked pictures of herself to her friends!! All the supportive parents and good jobs and cute outfits in the world will wash away a psychological issue. Next, this is toxic for you. You shouldn’t been in a relationship or situation where you feel you need to change yourself and being in a constant tug of war with yourself to be “good enough”. Now onto the biggest issue of them all….he was NOT honest with you!! You expressed your concerns about this girl many times to him, he knew that his interaction past/present with her was very important to you and yet he only “is honest” after you catch him with evidence!!! And now…even worse….yes, men jerk off to naked pics of women and porn. Thats a non-issue…but this…THIS….he is a girl he hangs out with!! Regardless if he would actually “cross the line” and have sex with her, there is NO WAY that ever time he sees her he doesn’t think about that nut he busted to her picture and what it would be like if he got to shoot one on her boobs instead of a sock in his bedroom!!! Ugh GROSS SICK!!!. You need to MOA for your own sanity. Let this mentally disturbed girl and your creepy BF and all his creepy friends have each other. Go and get a real man who will treat you with respect. Its much better to be alone than in a relationship where you feel like you as you are is not good enough and with a guy who wants to hang out with a sexual fantasy more than he wants to respect his girlfriend.

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    • avatar

      Mel May 30, 2012, 4:10 pm

      While I agree that this is all shades of fucked up and the LW should get as far away as possible, I don’t think that going to the gym and getting a makeover is necessarily a bad thing. She’s just trying to feel better about herself.

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  • avatar

    GertietheDino May 30, 2012, 4:09 pm

    The BF has made it abundantly clear that he is putting this skank ahead of his relationship, which is reason enough to dump his sorry ass. There are better men out there, men who have respect for their partners and respect for themselves that they do not associate with people like this woman (who obviously has issues if she sends her male “friends” nude photos of herself, can we say DAMAGED?!?)

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  • avatar

    ele4phant May 30, 2012, 4:17 pm

    I did not see this one coming. I thought it was mostly the LW issues, but clearly her instincts were on to something.

    And who sends naked pictures of yourself and cc’s multiple recipients? This girl is some kinds of messed up in the head.

    While I’m not one for restricting or controlling who your SO can be friends with, I would absolutely not be comfortable with my BF remaining friends with someone behaving this way.

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    • avatar

      SweetPeaG May 31, 2012, 1:42 pm

      More often than not, instincts about this sort of thing are right.

      Reply Link
  • Budj

    Budj May 30, 2012, 4:18 pm

    My friend’s gf took a between the legs silhouette image of his ball sack hanging down while he was apparently getting dressed and sent it to him yesterday when I was hanging out with him….of course he showed me for shock value. Oddly enough I was more impressed with the artistic appeal of a silhouetted scrotum than grossed out….

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    • Budj

      Budj May 30, 2012, 4:18 pm

      This was meant to be a reply to that thread of the LW taking nudies of her bf and spreading them in email form.

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  • avatar

    londonlin6 May 30, 2012, 4:22 pm

    BYE FOOD! dump him!

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  • TaraMonster

    TaraMonster May 30, 2012, 3:31 pm

    My childish response? I’d forward the shit out of that email (from LW’s boyfriend’s email acct!!) to every single nude picture website Google revealed to me and, for good measure, her boss and colleagues. Then I would dump the boyfriend. Both of them can suck it.

    Ok. I probably wouldn’t be able to actually go through with something so karmicly risky. And that ain’t the high road because I think this woman deserves to feel something negative after all the relationships she’s tried to or succeeded in ruining. FYI- I’m not taking the cheating and/or masturbating guys out of the equation here, I just think this woman sounds like a predator, and she should be held accountable for those actions. I don’t say this often- but what a bitch!!

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    • avatar

      Temperance May 31, 2012, 11:16 pm

      I would. I’m kind of a bad person, though, and I think someone needs to bring justice on skanks like that. I have no qualms about it, since she felt the need to flash her vag and who knows what else to all of her male friends, she clearly doesn’t have a reasonable expectation of privacy in her self-created smut.

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  • avatar

    painted_lady May 30, 2012, 4:46 pm

    Universal rule: if someone tells you “I didn’t tell you about doing X so I wouldn’t hurt your feelings” rather than “I didn’t *do* X so I wouldn’t hurt your feelings,” that person is not really all that worried about your feelings.

    What they mean is, “I didn’t tell you I did X so I wouldn’t have to deal with your hurt feelings.” Somehow doesn’t seem all that noble, right?

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    • caitie_didnt

      caitie_didnt May 30, 2012, 4:55 pm

      I think I might, like, print this out and put it on my wall. So true.

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    • avatar

      Tracey May 30, 2012, 4:50 pm

      This. He’s totally trying to duck taking responsibility for his poor choice in judgment and lack of concern for you. Dump. Run. Now.

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    • avatar

      Slamy May 30, 2012, 7:15 pm

      Yessss. So true. So good.

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  • bagge72

    bagge72 May 30, 2012, 4:49 pm

    This is just crazy, and it is also crazy that you are still with him. He clearly lied to you about how much he actually ignores her, and you are still believing the bullshit he is telling you. I’m pretty sure you aren’t going to dump him, and will keep believing his lies, but please try to stop, and just get rid of him. If I ever found nake pictures of one of my fiancee’s guy friends on her computer all hell would break loose. There is intentions there, and somebody is going to act on them soon if they haven’t yet.

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  • avatar

    Jessibel5 May 30, 2012, 5:08 pm

    I have so much in my head I want to say about this but can’t exactly formulate it. Did this other girlfriend see the e-mail that was sent to everyone? Like, did this “hot chick” actually send and CC the email to multiple guys at the same time? I’m dying to know whether this e-mail was requested from one of the guys, or she just sent it out being like “guys, I have this mole on my back, does it look weird to you?!” and she just “happened” to be naked. I’m not a guy, so I’m not sure how this works, but if I were a guy, I’d be totally weirded out by this girl sending naked pictures to me AND seeing that other guys had gotten the same e-mail with the same pictures. Because that’s just desperate.

    If your boyfriend’s friend and the girl who called you broke up, and you and your boyfriend break up over this, and you mentioned in your original letter that another guy in the group cheated on his girlfriend with this girl…seems to me that she might not be much longer for his social circle. I mean, if she’s acting like the town bicycle and ruining this many relationships in the group, the guys are going to get disgusted by her eventually. I had a group of guy friends where there were very few girls in it…and if one of them (or me) tried to pull sh*t like this, we’d have been mocked and kicked out by way of the fade out…where the guys wouldn’t have invited us to stuff anymore unless they wanted some cheap n’ easy ass. These guys in your boyfriend’s circle are going to get wise to her games and start having very little respect for her (if they still have any to begin with at this point).

    While I agree with the other posters that MOA is probably the best, I can see how it might be a fuzzy situation. I mean, if this picture falls into your inbox and you’re in the mood, I could see many people exhibiting questionable judgement and using it as an aid. It was a mistake he made. Was it disrespectful of him to do so? Absolutely, and he owes you an apology for that. If you find you can’t trust him after this though, do yourself a favor and get out of the relationship, because not trusting him and worrying he is going to cheat on you with her isn’t worth the agony and the angst it will bring up. You will literally drive yourself crazy. I’d second Wendy’s advice about telling him that if he continues this friendship with her, he’s putting your relationship in jeopardy. His reaction and response to that, and then his efforts regarding your request/statement will tell you everything you need. Personally though, I think she’s about to become a joke within his group.

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    • avatar

      Jessibel5 May 30, 2012, 5:20 pm

      After re-reading the letter I realized she sent MULTIPLE nude pic e-mails?! Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, this girl is all sorts of messed up. I also think even more that you should MOA. I know it’s probably not what you want to hear, I’m sorry. But his excuses seem so flimsy and his “yeah, it’s a little over the top” comment and his “I know where my line is I won’t cross it” make me think that he’s probably already crossed that line. They’re just too…flippant. They’re too…generic and seem as though he’s telling you what he wants to hear. Granted, we don’t know his tone of voice or his body language or what his face looked like when he was saying them, but…in writing he doesn’t sound very sincere.

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      • katie

        Katie May 30, 2012, 7:33 pm

        whisky tango foxtrot needs to stay as well… thats a good one.

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      • MELH

        MELH May 30, 2012, 7:49 pm

        Agree….love whiskey foxtrot tango

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      • avatar

        AnotherWendy May 30, 2012, 9:13 pm

        Totally using whiskey tango foxtrot as soon as I can work it in!

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      • avatar

        Pinky May 31, 2012, 9:26 am

        Whiskey Tango Foxtrot. Stealing this. Thanks!

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      • avatar

        Jessibel5 May 31, 2012, 11:22 am

        Haha, I say it all the time, and the old military guys I work with think it’s hysterical. I was kind of proud of “town bicycle” too 😛

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  • bittergaymark

    bittergaymark May 30, 2012, 5:20 pm

    Eh, sorry. I don’t buy it. I just don’t. This is now OFFICIALLY the first letter I’ve ever branded fake. The LW is a hoax. It’s one hundred percent pure B.S.

    It’s the whole jerking off thing that kills it. Oh, I buy that some nutjub sends out nudie pix of herself. And I even totally buy that the BF choked his chicken right quick over ’em. But it’s the admission of doing so that SCREAMS bogus… And then the whole LW’s refusal to break up with him… It’s all just too much. Somebody out there is trying to make you all think some women REALLY are stupid or something. Maybe it was sent in by the creator of GIRLS…

    Lies. Lies. Lies. Yeah. They’re Gonna Get You…

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    • mandalee

      mandalee May 30, 2012, 5:54 pm

      Hmmm, while it seems out there, it really doesn’t surprise me that much. I believe that I am a *fairly* intelligent person and I have seen or gotten myself into so pretty out there, soap opera junk when dating jerks. One of my exes called me after the strip club to tell that he paid a stripper over $400 to dance privately for him because “she looked exactly like me and missed me.” Then he tried to name the goldfish he won for me at the fair after her. I hung on this idiot’s every word for another 6 months.

      My friend’s boyfriend would text message all of us picture messages of his muscles with “I’m lonely, can I come cuddle? I swear all I want to do is cuddle!” for months when she traveled out of town with her family. When we told her, she said we were making it up. He cheated on her with someone from Craigslist. They are now MARRIED.

      Yes, people are really this stupid and crazy and this letter could be completely true. and that is sadder than if someone made it up.

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      • avatar

        Jessibel5 May 31, 2012, 11:25 am

        Haha, that reminds me of the time in college that a guy sent me an Evite for “Cuddling”. I hope he was drunk.

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    • Kristina

      Kristina May 30, 2012, 6:23 pm

      One of my friends’ boyfriend was sent nude pictures by an underage girl (who did this to other guys with girlfriends). And when my friend asked her boyfriend if he jerked off to them, he admitted to it. And…she stayed with him. Aside from her terrible judgment in relationships, she’s not a stupid person. But I don’t think it was entirely clear in this update if the LW asked or if her boyfriend openly told her, which I think would make a difference.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark May 30, 2012, 6:59 pm

        Okay, okay. I stand corrected. Women can be this stupid. More than that, apparently they often are this stupid… Yikes.

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      • avatar

        Slamy May 30, 2012, 7:18 pm

        Sadly, yes.

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      • landygirl

        landygirl May 30, 2012, 9:59 pm

        People are stupid. Please quit dissing women all the time.

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      • avatar

        ele4phant May 30, 2012, 10:08 pm

        Exactly. Its not like Kristina’s friend’s boyfriend did anything stupid by keeping a photo of a naked minor, oh wait, he did. Men can be idiots too.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark May 30, 2012, 11:27 pm

        Get a sense of humor, people. I put up a post saying that this Update is simply too stupid — that it is so stupid that I don’t believe it to be true. Others chime in with tales and examples equally stupid. The tone of my reply was so obviously sarcastic. I mean, seriously, have you EVER heard anybody say “Yikes!” in earnest?

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      • call-me-hobo

        call-me-hobo May 30, 2012, 7:27 pm

        Dude- your friend’s bf could be arrested for child pornography if someone found that underage photo…

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      • Kristina

        Kristina May 30, 2012, 8:54 pm

        I know. I warn him all the time.

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      • avatar

        ele4phant May 30, 2012, 10:16 pm

        He STILL has it? Even after he’s been warned of the legal consequences? Even after his girlfriend found out? To quote BGM…Yikes.

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      • Kristina

        Kristina May 30, 2012, 10:56 pm

        No, no, he does not have it. That would be too crazy. But I have enough evidence elsewhere to tell the cops if he screws up again.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark May 30, 2012, 11:31 pm

        You can’t arrest somebody for a picture that some underage idiot SENT to him. Unless he purposely solicited the picture, nobody would care. The real bad guy is the photo slut in my opinion. But I imagine I shall soon hear that she has been poorly socialized so that she simply can’t say no. Moreover, the poor little thing has bad self esteem so she simply can’t help herself and blah blah blah.

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      • avatar

        ele4phant May 30, 2012, 11:37 pm

        “You can’t arrest somebody for a picture that some underage idiot SENT to him.”

        Uh…pretty sure you can. Weren’t a bunch of high school boys getting in trouble for receiving photos from high school girls.

        And to be clear – as I was someone who was talking about my experiences being approached by guys and sometimes feeling uncomfortable but tentative at telling them off – I was speaking generally and not about the previous LW. OF COURSE women can be the aggressors. There’s a difference between a strange guy demanding your attention and you feeling it would be impolite to tell him off and actively sending unsolicited proactive photos to men. Just because it CAN be an issue doesn’t mean it is in every case.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark May 30, 2012, 11:41 pm

        Actually, I think they were in trouble for sharing them. And that the girl is question was actually accused and charged with creating child pornography… Although it is quite possible that we are each thinking of two separate cases as with all this silly media everybody suddenly wants to be a centerfold…

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      • avatar

        ele4phant May 30, 2012, 11:47 pm

        Yes, this whole “sexting” phenemona seems to be allover the news, so I’m not sure if we’re thinking of the same one.

        However, even if technically its not your fault for being sent a photo you didn’t ask for, I wouldn’t bank of not getting in trouble. I assume law enforcement will usually always air on the side of caution. I mean, if someone accidentally downloads child pornographer and their computer is being monitored, they’re going to get arrested, right? In statutory rape cases, even if its clear they’re a couple and the younger individual clearly consents, you’re still in all likelihood going to get in trouble if the parents want to push it. If it comes down to he said/she said, guess who’s probably going to lose?

        I would think it would be better to delete that shit PRONTO instead of finding out.

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      • Brad

        Brad May 30, 2012, 11:47 pm

        Sorry Mark but the cops do not care how you got the photo, simply possessing it is illegal. Now if you delete such a photo immediately and you didn’t solicit it then I’d imagine you’d be in the clear, but if you kept it on your phone you’d be in danger of getting in legal trouble.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark May 31, 2012, 12:05 am

        I guess. But I think if somebody went to the police with the tale that kristina is proposing they probably wouldn’t act on it.

        PS to kristina: Be mad at your friend. She’s far more to blame than the guy. Here’s how… Look, the guy is clearly dogshit. But your attitude towards him is just plain silly here. Dogshit is dogshit. Meaning he just is what he is. Think of it this way, it’s like you are watching your friend deliberately stepping into dogshit over and over and over… Finally, incensed, and unable to take it anymore, you decide to simply REALLY let the dogshit have it.

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      • avatar

        ele4phant May 31, 2012, 12:25 am

        So if I’m hearing you correctly…we should hold our female friends to higher standards and get angry when they repeatedly make dumb mistakes, but the a-holes they’re dating? That’s just who they are, no use in getting upset at them or demandin better behavior from them.

        Is that what you’re trying to say?

        Look, I get what you’re saying about getting on your friends’ cases if they refuse to wake up. I eventually had to end a friendship because I couldn’t continue to support a friend after she repeatedly let herself get cheated on and emotionally manipulated. It was draining and a pointless waste of my effort to build her back up when she’d only end up going back and restart the cycle.

        But you can bet I got pissed at him too.

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      • Kristina

        Kristina May 31, 2012, 12:33 am

        Well, yeah, I can’t wait til the day when my friend realizes she is wrong and stupid because I do fault her more than him. She agreed not to complain about him in front of me because I won’t listen unless she actually leaves.

        And by the way, I know of someone who got sent to jail for having ‘child porn’ of his girlfriend. These people I know remind me why the south is seriously messed up.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark May 31, 2012, 12:34 am

        No, no, no. That’s not it at all. This advice holds just as true for any guy that is making the same mistake by repeatedly and deliberately stepping in dogshit as well (i.e. dating some toxic loser chick.)

        Look, it’s rather silly to constantly blame the loser your friend is dating when really, the only person forcing your friend to date the asshole is your friend. I get so tired of hearing how wonderful so and so is, that they only only have one tiny flaw in that they date loser after loser… NEWSFLASH! Choosing to date a loser makes you a loser!

        I’ve grown rather weary of people always blaming the loser because it’s simply more convenient. Oh, everything would be just GREAT if Sally would leave that asshole Joe. Um, no, it wouldn’t because Sally would then just run out and date asshole Johnny. I’ve seen time and time and time again. It’s exhausting and I’ve experienced this sad pattern in both sexes, gay and straight, time and time again….

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark May 31, 2012, 12:45 am

        EDIT: my reply above was more to ele4phant and not to christina as she posted while I was typing mine out…

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      • avatar

        ele4phant May 31, 2012, 12:47 am

        I did blame my friend for her actions. At first I tried to support her by helping her see that, until it was clear that was a lost cause.

        But I’m also not going to release the shitty boyfriends (or girlfriends) from blame, because “Oh well, their just shitty people. What can you do.”

        Both parties need to be held accountable, the loser and the loser’s SO. Because people aren’t dogshit, they ACT like dogshit. And how you ACT can change. But if no one is pressuring you or condemning your behavior, there’s no incentive too.

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      • avatar

        Rebecca May 31, 2012, 2:17 pm

        Not sure what the law is in your state, but the person who has the child porn on their phone, is guilty of a felony in the state of California.
        California Penal Code Section 311.11:
        (a) Every person who knowingly possesses or controls any
        matter, representation of information, data, or image, including, but
        not limited to, any film, filmstrip, photograph, negative, slide,
        photocopy, videotape, video laser disc, computer hardware, computer
        software, computer floppy disc, data storage media, CD-ROM, or
        computer-generated equipment or any other computer-generated image
        that contains or incorporates in any manner, any film or filmstrip,
        the production of which involves the use of a person under the age of
        18 years, knowing that the matter depicts a person under the age of
        18 years personally engaging in or simulating sexual conduct, as
        defined in subdivision (d) of Section 311.4, is guilty of a felony
        and shall be punished by imprisonment in the state prison, or a
        county jail for up to one year, or by a fine not exceeding two
        thousand five hundred dollars ($2,500), or by both the fine and
        imprisonment.

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    • avatar

      convexed May 30, 2012, 9:01 pm

      Oh, man. I have to say, as bogus as it sounds, many guys out there ARE stupid enough to admit there awkward masturbation habits to their girlfriends when it can only, only get them in trouble. This detail rings very true to me; especially if more is going on between the hot friend and the bf. Little admissions derail the conversation, so he doesn’t have to admit that, hey, he asked for those pictures, or, say, she gave him a blowjob last week at the bar.
      It’s like, a lot of fake handwringing, and a lot of reassurance of limits and gaslighting the gfs as overly reactive, is classic, absolutely classic douchebag boyfriend behavior.
      Yeah, maybe the women in these relationships are foolish or naive or just plain stupid, but the truth that it pains me to tell you, bittergaymark, is that yes, absolutely, a guy would volunteer this information to his girlfriend fully expecting it to work as a strategy for not getting dumped.

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  • avatar

    Tracey May 30, 2012, 4:48 pm

    Don’t just dump him, but dump the friend, too. What she did was just as egregious as what he did…if not more so. Nakey pics of herself to the BFs of at least two of her friends? What the hell? That’s waaaayyyy over the line. I hope you’re all banishing her from your circle.

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  • Brad

    Brad May 30, 2012, 6:10 pm

    Damnit … howcome none of my female friends ever send me nude pictures? 🙁 (hmm note to self, meet more skanks).

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    • bittergaymark

      bittergaymark May 30, 2012, 6:13 pm

      Perhaps you should get the ball rolling with a shirtless avatar pic?

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      • Brad

        Brad May 30, 2012, 8:28 pm

        haha maybe once my abs start showing…

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark May 30, 2012, 8:35 pm

        Promises, promises…

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      • Brad

        Brad May 30, 2012, 10:43 pm

        Hey I’m getting there (feels like at 2 miles an hour…) but I’m getting there. Maybe by Christmas lol…

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark May 30, 2012, 11:57 pm

        This could be a great before AND after moment…

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      • Brad

        Brad May 31, 2012, 12:20 am

        Yeah I dropped the ball on that. I don’t have any topless pictures of myself before i started working out. You can tell I’m bigger just looking at older pictures but that’s not quite the same thing.

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    • Leroy

      Leroy May 30, 2012, 7:37 pm

      If you can tolerate a lot of drama, I can get you some female friends who’ll send you nude pictures of themselves.

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      • Brad

        Brad May 30, 2012, 8:29 pm

        Haha that’s OK. The only drama I want in my life should come from my TV, lol.

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    • Brad

      Brad May 30, 2012, 10:38 pm

      I was being facetious in this comment just encase that wasn’t clear…

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray May 30, 2012, 11:00 pm

        Fun fact: “facetious” is the only English word with all the vowels, in order – a-e-i-o-u. Fun, eh?

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      • Brad

        Brad May 30, 2012, 11:48 pm

        Glad to know I’m not the only dork on this forum. 🙂 Do you have your member’s card yet Addie?

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  • avatar

    Retyah May 30, 2012, 6:11 pm

    All the girls whose boyfriends recieved the nudes and ‘did’ something with them should be dumped, then all the newly single guys can fight over the super hot psycho bitch. Group of new single girls can stick together and watch the hilarity ensue.

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    • avatar

      convexed May 30, 2012, 8:43 pm

      Yes, yes. I would go further and say, since these gfs are (hopefully) soon to be dumping their sleezy bfs flat on their sleezy asses, they should take this ‘hot friend’ out to lunch and lay into her. She may have female friends, or think she does, but either they are as amoral as she is or they are too scared to be honest with her.
      She needs to be told, straight up, that she is headed towards a major fuck-up if this behavior continues. If it were me, I would organize that we all beat her up, or at least let her know that that is what she deserves, and only an empty-headed fool would believe it was because everyone was ‘jealous’ of her.
      Or, she needs to be told that she now has 6 or 7, or however many of you there are, new found enemies, and if you hear of more of these shenanigans, that number will multiply and multiply. Not even hot girls can dodge the fate of bitches forever.
      I sound like I’m in full-on revenge mode, and feel free to disagree, but this is an Internet comment board, so I’m just free-associating here. The LW could drop the hint that she saved a copy of the email and is just begging hot friend to give her a reason to forward it to those supportive parents of hers. Or her boss.

      I guess I feel almost as angry as the LW does, and maybe because I have some personal experience with people like the hot friend. My point is, sure, it’s great to focus on being the best you possible, or finding a new boyfriend with better judgment in his female friends…but wouldn’t it be nice if sometimes, those awful people who are blissfully immune to consequences had to sit down with a bunch of furious people who laid out potential consequences, or delivered them, in blistering fashion?

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      • Brad

        Brad May 30, 2012, 9:06 pm

        “I would organize that we all beat her up.” So you’d sink to her level and lower for what? Vindication? Hope that temporary feeling is worth the felony charges you’d have on your record for the rest of your life. Good luck getting a decent job after that.

        http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/story?id=4609528&page=1#.T8bC0dVYs-g

        Please refrain from adding these types of comments on this forum please. This community aims to offer helpful advice to the LWers, not get them arrested.

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      • avatar

        convexed May 30, 2012, 9:34 pm

        Oh gosh. That was not a recommendation for the LW, or anyone else, but what I, in that situation, would feel like doing. I apologize for seeming that I was advocating that the LW literally do that. It’s obviously not a good idea, legally, though a compelling idea, in terms of revenge fantasies while you punch your pillow really hard instead.
        Maybe this is where I grew up, but do people really not say anymore, “You better quit or you’re gonna get your ass beat”?
        I admire your restraint, Brad. You will likely avoid felony charges in your life, and I hope I will, too. I will try not to make any more fistfight jokes on this forum. I meant them in the spirit of vicarious anger in which I wrote them.

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      • Brad

        Brad May 30, 2012, 10:37 pm

        Ah well revenge fantasies are an entirely different matter, sorry I misunderstood. I agree that it’s a shame that more people aren’t worried about getting their ass beat when they think to do stuff, a lesson these kids learned first hand. http://www.salon.com/2012/05/23/movie_assailant_punches_a_kid_becomes_a_folk_hero/ They tend to be my initial default mental response to stuff like this too, but I’m pretty consequence aware and have no desire to get an assault charge on my record. They’re good for getting the anger out of the way so the analytical side of your brain can formulate what the best tactical decision is. Sometimes that’s doing something that will end up badly for them, sometimes it’s doing nothing. The important thing to do when evaluating your response to something like this is to take your ideas out to their logical conclusions and evaluate the consequences (both positive and negative) and go from there. The main problem is that every action unleashes an unknown number of unintended consequences that can hurt you or innocent parties.

        Say for example that this woman sent a pic to your bf. There’s a number of things you could do in response to her sending nude pics to your bf, but let’s say you actually decide to beat her up (bitch has it coming to her). Some obvious consequences would include you initially feeling better, she might fear you from now on, your hand might get bruised, you’ll probably get arrested, you’ll have to pay for a lawyer, you could serve a little jail time or give up your Saturdays for 2 months attending court-ordered anger management classes, etc. I won’t give the full list but there’s some typical things that would likely result from doing it. But in terms of the unintended consequences, you could also hurt innocent people or yourself. What if she was a key party in a business negotiation the next day and now misses the meeting while healing at the hospital, causing the business to lose the contract award. Now maybe the company needed the money from that contract in order to pay off their loans and decides to lay off some workers to survive until their next bid? You didn’t want to hurt Mary Sue the secretary but she got hurt. I wouldn’t say it’s your fault specifically as it was outside of your control but I think in a way you can see the part you played at bringing that event along? What if while you’re stuck in those anger management classes you miss out on an opportunity to go to a concert with your girlfriends or something to that effect? It’s something you never would have thought about prior to deciding to beat her up but ended up biting you down the road anyway. Granted these are a bit ridiculous and you could drive yourself insane pondering potential outcomes but I hope it at least gets my point across that deciding to not take the high road could result in hurting yourself or others down the road.

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    Lynn May 30, 2012, 6:58 pm

    LW, you need to dump him. He has no respect for you, and if I were you, I wouldn’t want to be around that mess of a social circle. No thank you.

    And PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE send an update of the update!!!

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    • avatar

      Addie Pray May 30, 2012, 11:01 pm

      I’m with Lynn: I’m going to need an update to this update!

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      ele4phant May 30, 2012, 11:15 pm

      “I wouldn’t want to be around that mess of a social circle.”

      That’s what I’ve been thinking. What kind of f*cked up group dynamic do they have where the girl regularly sends naked pictures of herself to all the guy friends IN A MASS EMAIL? Shouldn’t they have been, I don’t know, a little weirded out they all know they get the same pics?

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      • avatar

        Lynn May 31, 2012, 9:37 am

        That’s exactly what I was thinking. I thought about my group of friends … and I just cannot imagine anything like that. It’s so bizarre, and I just don’t get it.

        I know a lot of girls who are full of themselves, but my goodness I can’t see any of them behaving that… classless.

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  • Heather

    Heather May 30, 2012, 7:09 pm

    OOHHH MY GERRRD. dump this guy LW. Seriously. I’m a pretty rational person. And always consider all sides of a story. But this? For fucks sake. Have some self respect. Move on and never look back.

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  • katie

    Katie May 30, 2012, 7:24 pm

    so, a few thoughts.

    first, in college once my group of friends and i were talking about masturbating, and the guys admitted to using each one of us as “material” for it. these guys werent bad guys, just regular guys. my one roommate was absolutely not even a flirty type of girl either- and they still admitted to “using” her.. i dunno. maybe it is normal for guys to use any girl they know?

    second, this whole situation would be a line crossed to me. i think its clear that in the boyfriend’s eyes he did not cross a line, but i think the LW should think long and hard about her “lines”, so to speak. if you so deem it, he crossed a line. you have the power to say that. and from there, you can break up with him or not. but i really think that either way you need to tell him. you seem upset abut it, so from this little snipet of your life i see, i think that YOU think he crossed a line. if thats true, you need to let him know. once, when my boyfriend and i were first living together, he was trying to teach me to park my larger car into our garage. i kept trying to turn the wheel, he got frustrated and slapped my hand. i promptly got out of the car and i told him if he ever did anything like that again, i would walk away and never look back. he crossed a line that day, and i told him. it wasnt a line that would cause me to break up with him, atleast in that situation, but i let him know that he crossed a line. he has never gotten frustrated like that again. set the boundaries you are comfortable with, i guess is what i mean. and stick to them!

    third, even though it looks from outside that this girl is happy -supportive parents, great job, bla bla bla- that doesnt mean she is happy. that doesnt mean she is fulfilled. im sure that there have been “supportive” fathers on the outside who had raped their daughters when no one was around. you know what i mean? dont take her outward perfection as what her life is. that can be the way it is, sure… but so many times, its the people who have “everything” are the ones who are sad and dead inside.

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    • avatar

      DMR May 30, 2012, 10:30 pm

      first, in college once my group of friends and i were talking about masturbating, and the guys admitted to using each one of us as “material” for it. these guys werent bad guys, just regular guys. my one roommate was absolutely not even a flirty type of girl either- and they still admitted to “using” her.. i dunno. maybe it is normal for guys to use any girl they know?

      Those guys were single. He’s not single.

      Second: he wasn’t just having a random fantasy on his own. She was assisting him with the fantasy. Think of it this way: what if, rather than photos, she did a strip tease for him and he jerked off?

      The fact of her sending photos, him receiving them, and him, er, using them as intended; pushes this into a two-way transaction. It’s basically cheating.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark May 30, 2012, 11:22 pm

        Actually, anybody who is NOT married is technically fucking single. I laugh at how seriously so many of you take what appears to be barely dating…

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        ele4phant May 30, 2012, 11:31 pm

        I agree that some people will jump too quickly into assuming their relationship is serious…but do you really consider a year of dating “barely dating”? It may not be marriage yet, but I think by a year you have an obligation to be faithful (that is if they have decided on having an exclusive relationship – open is fine but at a year it needs to be clear and both onboard with it) and to be honest with your gf/bf.

        He may put down “single” on the US census, but that doesn’t mean he can behave however he wants without repercussions.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark May 31, 2012, 6:11 am

        It’s interesting to me how marriage (true story, do a little research) pretty much started out as a way for men to OWN women, basically. Now women rightly object to this line of thinking… But at the same time often expect to OWN men without marriage… Just because they are casually dating some guy.

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        ele4phant May 31, 2012, 10:52 am

        I fail to see how expecting your partner to respect boundaries you have mutually agreed upon to be “owning” them.

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        DMR May 31, 2012, 6:01 am

        “Actually, anybody who is NOT married is technically fucking single. ”

        The catch being the word “technically.” It’s possible to be committed without putting that commitment in writing.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark May 31, 2012, 6:08 am

        Hah! Go find out just how much that means when one of you dies unexpectedly. Trust me. Precious little.

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      • avatar

        DMR May 31, 2012, 6:35 am

        Yeah, I get that. It’s wrong. But even so, I don’t subscribe to the attitude of “I’m not married so I answer to nobody.”

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      • Heather

        Heather May 31, 2012, 9:46 am

        When you say technically, you mean legally.

        I’m sorry, but the excuse, “Baby, it was ok for me to jack off to those naked pictures because legally I’m single, regardless of any personal boundaries we have set!” doesn’t apply here.

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  • avatar

    Calm May 30, 2012, 8:30 pm

    Dump him, yo. He showed you who he is. Believe him.

    If it was my husband I would sell his motorcycle, take the flatscreen, and his dog.

    1.) Read almost all these comments. Read them again. Cheating is what you can’t tell your partner you did because YOU KNOW it would devastate them. He KNEW it would hurt you. But it was ok as long as you didn’t find out right? That makes it all better! Hell no. He’s like Ronnie on Jersey Shore. Don’t turn into Sammi. Please.

    2.) She’s in his fantasy world. He wants her. He’s gotten off on the idea of being with her. She wants him. Eventually its prob gonna happen, at least that’s the feeling I get.

    3.) How “innocent” is he? Seriously, not even the craziest hot bitch I know sends multiple nudie pics to a group of men without some kind of encouragement. And a dude she flirts her ass off with and “pours her heart out to”? Yeah. I call B.S.

    4.) WTF are his “limits”? What kind of an answer is that?! Drooling over the porn star wannabe is a limit? Next its gonna be “It was just a BJ baby!”

    Run. Away. Now.

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    • Brad

      Brad May 30, 2012, 8:58 pm

      “If it was my husband I would sell his motorcycle, take the flatscreen, and his dog.”

      Two wrongs don’t make a right. Vindictiveness is not only a bad idea to be revealed against you in divorce court, it’s also poison for your soul. In the long run you’d feel a whole lot better by taking the higher road and not doing any wrong yourself.

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      • avatar

        convexed May 30, 2012, 9:07 pm

        In a divorce case, sure. I still think the highest road I would take in response to this lady is to punch her right in her mouth. Diplomacy, being the biggest person works when the other person has a conscience and a shred of decency. In all likelihood, walking away clean here would mean the hot friend notices no problem, ever, and the gf wanders off alone to heal, and not having descended to punching someone in the mouth is small comfort, especially when the punchee doesn’t notice she never got the punch she deserved.

        I’m not officially advocating the punch in the mouth, I’m just standing on the problematic principle that sometimes the high road is a little too lofty and indirect.

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      • Brad

        Brad May 30, 2012, 9:13 pm

        You completely missed the point I feel. The high road has nothing to do with the person that did wrong and everything to do with the injured party. It isn’t your job to make sure that this horrible woman learns any sort of life lesson. Her deeds will catch up to her, you don’t have to hurry the process along for all that does is tarnish you too.

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        convexed May 30, 2012, 9:26 pm

        Ok, I understand. And in many cases, I agree. I guess I worry that sometimes the high road, while it leaves your hands clean, can make you feel powerless, and in some people, can end up being a cover up for a lifetime of being passive, of being taken advantage of. My sister is like this. She backs away from confrontation, from calling people out, and while her actions are faultless (because she doesn’t act, she withdraws), she hasn’t yet had the satisfaction of looking someone in the eye and saying, ‘You do not get to do this to me.’

        And, setting aside my dramatic fistfight scenario, I am open to the possibility that a confrontation with this woman would not ‘tarnish’ the LW, but be of benefit to her in terms of building self-respect. You’re right; the hot friend is not the point. She can learn or not learn, change or not.

        I just don’t like the idea that there is this dichotomy: to get drawn into a conflict is to be ‘tarnished’, to withdraw, zen-like, to self-nurture, is the better path. Both can be good; both have merit in different situations, and are case-sensitive. I would be more likely to lay into the hot friend and take the high road with the bf, by breaking up and disappearing from his life with as little fanfare as possible.

        Sorry to miss your point; I hope this clarifies my position.

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        convexed May 30, 2012, 9:28 pm

        There is a lot of power in walking away, but only when it’s an equal choice…as in, I could stand up to this girl, but choose not to, versus, I’m terrified of this nutball, so I’m going to dress up running away as taking the high road.

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      • Brad

        Brad May 30, 2012, 10:07 pm

        Correct, the second one of these is definitely not a good thing and something you’d need to seek help for. The first is the ideal decision. It doesn’t mean that you say nothing, but giving into anger is definitely not the way you “should” go. Sometimes a neutral tone comment can be more effective than making a big scene or getting violent. I’m certainly not perfect at walking away myself so I don’t want to come across as superior or anything. Fighting the urge to give into my desire to lash out or attack/humiliate them is something I have to overcome every time I’m in that sort of situation. I’ve just found in my experience that taking the higher road is more satisfying in the long run. I suppose it helps that I believe in God and Karma. I have faith that things like this will sort themselves out eventually and so far they always have for me.

        Simple example from my past, when I was still in middle or high school some kid in my gym class punched me in the face. Don’t even remember why. He was roughly my size and given that I’d taken martial arts, I’ve no doubt I could have kicked his ass, but thankfully I was smart enough to take the high road and walked away. There were enough witnesses to get the kid expelled and since he’d been in a fight before he ended up going to juvy. Had I fought him back I wouldn’t have been in a victim position anymore and I probably would have gotten suspended too. Sometimes the vulnerable position is the position of power.

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        ele4phant May 30, 2012, 10:28 pm

        I agree Brad. As satisfying as you imagine inflicting the same amount of pain you’ve had to endure onto those responsible, reality rarely matches that.

        This girl is at best incredibly narcissistic, at worst, f*cking crazy. If all the ex-girlfriends get together to confront her and make her feel guilty, she’s hardly going to care. If things get physical and they gang up on her, then she gets to be the victim, and they could face steep consequences.

        Sometimes the best revenge is moving on, and refusing to stoop to others’ level. And sometimes no reaction at all gets under people’s skin more than when you try to fight back.

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        Marie DC May 30, 2012, 10:54 pm

        I agree with you and Brad. And I also feel like there’s no reason for the LW to have any sort of confrontation,or “teaching her a lesson” or really any contact with the attractive friend.There’s no need.I have a similar story to the LW’s.

        A couple months ago, a guy in my friend’s circle(not a personal friend of mine,but part of the group) sent me nude pictures of himself.I pulled him aside,told him how utterly inappropriate it was and told him to lose my number.Of course,I brought this up with my boyfriend(who found it kind of funny,actually).The guy did it again and stopped after I threatened to report him.I talked to my boyfriend about the incident and we discussed the likelihood that he would see this guy again(since we hang out with each others’ friends occasionally).He said all he was planning to do was maybe smirk at him once but for the rest of the time,act completely indifferent. I really liked his approach(it’s a perspective I’ve always had too),which was basically: “I’m sorry you were put in this position.I know you’ll handle it in a way which respects me and our relationship”. He said he wasn’t exactly going to look to become friends with the guy anymore but he couldn’t care less about this guy’s actions,all he cared about was how I handled the situation.

        By taking that approach,he still kept his self-respect(he would have rightfully kicked me to the curb had I responded the way the LW’s boyfriend did) while remaining level-headed.The best “road”, in my(and his) opinion,was our relationship wasn’t affected one bit by the incident.

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        *HmC* May 30, 2012, 10:42 pm

        I think you make some really interesting points. As someone who is naturally very unconfrontational, I have struggled to find a voice and an appropriate balance between not being a doormat, and not being totally passive always. Some people have the opposite problem from me, where they have to learn to bite their tongue more, and they could probably benefit from framing things as taking the high road. But since my natural inclination is to always do that, I do have to actively try and frame things in terms of not allowing myself to be taken advantage of.

        Sorry for the opus about myself. My point is that how you should frame things like this does depend on your true motivations and personality.

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        Matcha May 31, 2012, 12:32 am

        This is why I said that she should confront the girl. I’m actually pretty passive for the most part and I dislike confrontation. But if someone is pushing and pushing, I eventually will say that I don’t like X; I don’t like Y and they need to stop.

        Most people like the ‘hot friend’ are not used to someone pushing back and will probably freak out. I’m not saying punch her face in, despite my gangsta-bitch-barbie comment above. Most of the time I take the high road, but sometimes the high road is just unsatisfying. I feel like, because I am passive by nature, when I take the Zen road, the other person interprets it as they will–that I’m defeated.

        But just a simple acknowledgment of what happened and a sum-up of the situation (“I think I’m going to find a boyfriend that’s not a douche and some friends that aren’t batshit crazy. Thanks for pointing that out for me by being morally bankrupt. Enjoy the leftovers.”) lets HER know I don’t feel the outcome was bad for me. Any man-stealing elation she has is deflated because the guys in that group are no longer a prize, and she’s no longer special.

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        ele4phant May 31, 2012, 12:40 am

        Well, she kind of did confront her, at least about the public flirting. And the girl said “I’m single, and if he’s not faithful it’s not my problem, I’ll just enjoy it.” Obviously not the words of one who cares how her actions impact others. So I doubt very much this girl will care if she gets confronted about the pictures too.

        And won’t it be unsatisfying, degrading even, to get all puffed up and confront her only to hear her say “So what? I didn’t make him jerk off to them. And I like the attention I get from being seen as hot.”

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        Matcha May 31, 2012, 12:50 am

        Yeah, there’s the chance that what you think will go great will backfire spectacularly and you’ll be worse off.

        Which is why the sample line I had made value judgments sure, but it didn’t open for discussion. Ex. “What you did was inappropriate and it’ll come back around to you!” Nope. Choose a line that doesn’t invite discussion, at the end, 180 turn and walk away 😀

        I only say this because the few times that I confront people about crap, it usually ends with them in shock and then I just high-tail it out of there with the last word. I’ve also had people get this slack-jawed look and *they’re* the ones that run away. Also might be that I got lucky or I had the benefit of surprise (like I said, generally quiet and nice, people don’t expect that shit.)

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        ele4phant May 31, 2012, 12:55 am

        Eh, it could maybe work. If nothing more than to surprise her if she doesn’t expect the LW to have a spine. But I hardly think it’s goin to cause any long-lasting epiphany, this girl doesn’t seem to give a crap beyond her own needs and wants. If its what the LW needs to feel better, but eh. To me it doesn’t seem worth it.

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        Matcha May 31, 2012, 1:17 am

        We’ve run out of reply room. haha.

        Yeah, it shouldn’t be done to teach ‘hot friend’ a lesson or anything. She obviously doesn’t have any empathy for others. And if she’s sensitive, she probably shouldn’t do it either. Warning label!

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      • avatar

        wendykh December 15, 2012, 12:25 am

        This “high road” crap always somehow seems like a way for people to tell women to behave nicely, don’t make a scene, and not punish anyone for fucking them over.

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  • avatar

    amy May 30, 2012, 10:14 pm

    Could have done without the paragraphs of intro. We only needed the last few.

    Wow… Just. Wow.

    Leave, MOA.

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  • avatar

    Marie DC May 30, 2012, 11:19 pm

    LW you need to drop your boyfriend.He DID cross a line when he jerked off to this girl’s pictures.Not to mention,you say you’re “not sure” whether you believe him. Why should anyone,male or female,stay in a relationship where they aren’t sure they can trust their boyfriend or girlfriend?

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  • avatar

    Violet May 31, 2012, 12:40 am

    LW,

    NONONONONONONO. Please turn and run from this situation. You seem like a fairly reasonable person who has given this situation enough room to settle down. It has not, in fact, it’s only gotten more painful and inappropriate. Please don’t date this person anymore, and instead, save your commitment for someone who has boundaries and cares enough about you to remove himself from situations such as these. I worry that enough time with this group and you may very well turn into a paranoid and controlling person, this happens sometimes when perfectly reasonable people are put in ugly situations and had their trust abused for too long. Don’t let this happen to you. I wish you the best, LW.

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  • mllryjo

    mllryjo May 31, 2012, 2:27 am

    I would dump him, I really would. His attitude about all of this just seems completely immature and wrong. He doesn’t appear to respect the LW at all if he thinks any of that was okay. He obviously does NOT know where boundaries are, because he crossed them already.

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  • avatar

    Sunshine Brite May 31, 2012, 7:51 am

    MOA.

    Continue working on yourself too. I know it’s ridiculously hard sometimes at this stage but do it for you, not to feel less than someone else who’s been trying to butt into your life. And yes, he should know better but he clearly doesn’t.

    It’s unclear from the letter when the masturbation took place, if it was before the relationship or not. But he didn’t change his boundaries with her and he didn’t admit anything until under intense questioning with verbal evidence from another source.

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    • avatar

      Sunshine Brite May 31, 2012, 7:52 am

      Also, ITA that this is one of the most epic updates.

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  • avatar

    Caris June 1, 2012, 12:35 pm

    Ok. So a friend of his sent him nude pictures and instead of just deleting them he masturbated to them?! What the fuck is wrong with him? In my book that is cheating I’m sorry. It’s not like he watched porn or looked at some playboy pics of women he doesn’t know. And then he hangs out with her no problem. I don’t even know. I would most likely dump him or divorce him if he was my husband. Yes I am quite the drastic person, but I don’t like being disrespected, so when ppl do things to me that I don’t like I just cut them out of my life. I guess you can try telling him to stop seeing this person ever again, delete her from facebook, block her, etc. And if he ever masturbates to her pictures again it’s over. But I am not sure how well that would go.

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