Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Updates: “Jilted” Responds

It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today, we hear from “Jilted” whose live-in boyfriend called off their June wedding and immediately found a new girlfriend. Jilted wrote: “We still live together and he was with her this past weekend. But when I returned home from a cottage Sunday evening, we ended up fooling around, so he cheated on her I assume. It was just plain physical, even for me. I think he’s disgusting because he didn’t even fight for me and ended our engagement to find something new and shiny while he kept telling me that, while he isn’t ready to handle another girl, he is missing something with me and trying to figure it out and you never know about the future. Now I wonder if she even knows he’s still living with me.” Keep reading to see what’s happened since then.

It has been six months since my my ex-fiance canceled our wedding, and things are definitely getting better day by day. I was seeing someone for a couple of months but we have decided to take things slow. He is an amazing person and helped me through one of the hardest times of my life and you never know what can happen in the future, but for now we are at different places in our lives.

As for my ex, well, he is still dating the girl he was interested in when we split up and we still keep in contact, which is hard but I am a forgiving person. He doesn’t seem to be too happy and I believe he wants both of us. He has wanted to stay in my life since we separated and we have not discussed getting back together or anything because I could never go back and never trust him again. We do have better communication now than when we were together but he uses me just to feel less lonely, I think.

Anyway, I have seen the clear light at the end of the tunnel and am much happier that we didn’t end up getting married and that there are men out there worth chasing who will put the effort into me. Every day gets easier, though I am still angry sometimes, but I want the best for myself and my ex and hope we can both find happiness (I just know it’s not with each other). It can be confusing though because my ex talks very poorly of his new girlfriend to me, and I see the lack of respect for he has for her and feel like I had that a lot in my life when we were together, too. Also, it’s not my problem anymore and I learned that I want to be with someone who will fight for me because I deserve so much better. All I can do now and have been doing is moving on, trying to find the right guy for me and hoping for the best for my present and future. Thanks for all of your advice and take care!

 
Thanks for your update. I wish you all the best moving forward and gently suggest you cut all ties with your ex until the anger and confusion you still (understandably!) feel subsides completely.

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If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at [email protected] with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.

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11 comments… add one
  • FireStar

    Firestar October 7, 2014, 1:46 pm

    So he is using you to feel less lonely – and you are using him to what? To drag out the pain of getting over him? It’s good you recognize that he is not for you. Now wish him well and walk away – you will be surprized how the things that get better day by day get better a lot quicker.

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  • Lyra

    Lyra October 7, 2014, 2:24 pm

    Cut contact completely. I think you still maintaining contact with him is detrimental to your healing process because there’s still the “what if?” and “why is he talking badly about her to me?” crap going on. It’s ok to cut things off completely from him.

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  • Kate B.

    Kate B. October 7, 2014, 2:34 pm

    I agree with everyone else. What are you holding on to? You can be forgiving and still cut contact with someone. You really need to cut contact for your own good. You are getting nothing that I can see from this arrangement. You have already made huge strides in recognizing that you are happier without having married him, and that there are other possibilities out there, but your healing process cannot go forward the way things are.

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  • mrmidtwenties

    mrmidtwenties October 7, 2014, 2:45 pm

    I’m confused at why you’re still talking to this guy, what exactly do you get out of it?

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  • avatar

    Sara October 7, 2014, 2:53 pm

    I agree with WEES. You should consider cutting off contact with your ex while you heal. You can be a forgiving person and a person who cuts off contact *at the same time.* Forgiving someone does not need to include continuing a relationship with that person.

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  • avatar

    Aurora October 7, 2014, 3:02 pm

    So he wants to stay in your life for some sick ego boost, and you want to stay in his life….why? You don’t list a single positive thing about him, and he’s not your fiance anymore, so why maintain contact? Only keep people in your life who add value to it, not detract from it (especially if the person in question is your ex-fiance who called off your wedding, immediately found a new girlfriend, cheated on that girlfriend, and talks about her with disrespect). Cut the cord.

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  • avatar

    Married By Elvis October 7, 2014, 3:24 pm

    It’s unanimous (so far anyway). Stop talking to this guy! If you do, I’ll bet you find you don’t even want to talk to him. Cut him off!!!!

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  • avatar

    j2 October 7, 2014, 3:34 pm

    Stop talking with that guy!

    As for him bad-mouthing his girlfriend, I bet he does the same to her about YOU! Guys like that always do.

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  • avatar

    MissDre October 7, 2014, 4:57 pm

    Seriously WEES!!! Stop talking to him! It will make things so much easier to move on and the anger/confusion will quickly disappear once you’ve cut him out of your life.

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  • Cassie

    Cassie October 7, 2014, 6:42 pm

    Cutting contact with your ex doesn’t mean you haven’t forgiven him. Don’t mistake the two. Forgiveness entails not harboring hatred or resentment towards a person, and moving on from what they have done to you. That does not mean you still have to talk to them or be all buddy-buddy with them. What are you even getting out of still talking to your ex? It just sounds like anger, pain, and confusion. There’s no point in remaining in touch with him, none at all. He’s part of your past. He doesn’t need to be in your future. Trust me, you’ll feel a lot better if you do cut contact with him.

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    • avatar

      MissDre October 7, 2014, 9:28 pm

      Yes, this x1000!

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