It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today we hear from “Just Friends with Jane,” the man whose girlfriend, “Eve,” requested that he stop talking to his longtime female friend from childhood, “Jane.” Jane is like his sister, he said, he talks to her on the phone every Sunday and occasionally sees a new superhero movie with her (which Eve is invited to as well). “Eve says that I’m disrespecting her by continuing to associate with Jane and that she feels like an outsider when the three of us are together. Before all this, I was ready to propose, but now I’m having doubts. If I marry Eve, then maybe she’ll feel more secure in our relationship, but if she doesn’t, then I might never be allowed to see my friend again.” Keep reading to see where things stand now.
I’ve been staying in a hotel for a while. I know that it’s my apartment, but I feel better knowing where she is and that she’s safe. We’re going to talk later this week and decide where we stand. I’ve tried racking my brain for something that Jane and I could’ve done to worry her. Our phone conversations aren’t that long. Maybe half an hour. Maybe a little longer if something interesting has happened. I don’t think that’s too long to catch up since we don’t see each other during the rest of the week. I get off from work at a reasonable time and Eve and I carpool, so I don’t think it’s an issue. I checked to make sure that I haven’t missed any important dates, but our anniversary isn’t for another six weeks and we already celebrated her birthday in April.
I am going to try to bring up counseling again. I really hope that we can make this work.
Wish me luck.
I’m not going to wish you luck because luck isn’t what you need. What you need is to move on. Eve is a really controlling, insecure woman who will make your life a living hell if you stay with her, let alone marry her. This thing with Jane is just the tip of the iceberg, and she shows literally zero interest in working on this issue with you. She won’t even show up to the counseling sessions you’ve made for fear of being judged and blamed. You know why she fears being judged and blamed? Because she knows she’s wrong and full of shit! And right now she believes she can still control you and control the narrative, but she’d have trouble doing that in a therapist’s office and she knows it. She needs a man who is willing to be torpedoed. She is not going to budge on this Jane issue. It’s a test. And as soon as you get rid of Jane, Eve knows she has you. For life, she can bend you to her will. Where to live, how to spend money, when and how many kids to have, where to vacation, whom you can and cannot spend time with (including your family), what you can eat, what you can wear — all of it will be Eve’s choice, and she’ll know that if she can get you to ditch your longtime childhood friend for no good reason, she’ll be able to get you to do just about anything. Stop being a sucker. Dodge this bullet and move on. Let her be some other poor guy’s problem.
If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.