Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Updates: “Just Not Feeling It” Responds

It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing today. After the jump, we hear from “Just Not Feeling It,” a woman in her late-30s who didn’t feel much passion for the guy she was seeing but worried that time was running out for her to find someone else. After the jump, find out whether she’s still with the guy and if her attitude has changed at all.

Thanks to ReginaRey for her advice and revealing what she went through with her own break up.

My update is I ended the relationship. I actually ended it a few weeks before my letter was posted. The advice and most of the comments just reinforced I did the right thing.

I broke it off after two months of dating for these reasons:

He’s a nice person who liked me, but I didn’t like him and I wasn’t physically attracted to him. We didn’t have interesting conversations. He didn’t make me laugh. I didn’t miss him when we were apart. I didn’t look forward to seeing him when we made plans. When we did get together, I didn’t want to spend time alone with him because I didn’t want to be intimate with him.

Every date I wondered if this will be the date where I feel the ‘click’. It never happened.

The reason I struggled with the decision to end it was because I felt guilty for walking away from a good guy, who liked me, and who never did anything wrong.

I gave myself time to get to know him and allow feelings to grow, which I think is important when starting a new relationship. But although they were growing for him, they weren’t for me. It was one-sided and I realized I owe it to myself to NOT settle for someone I don’t like, no matter what my age is. We did have some nice times together, but it wasn’t enough for me to feel like I was falling for him. I’m not looking for a ‘perfect’ man or something unrealistic. I just want something real that feels right.

I made the right decision. I felt instant relief once it ended because it made me realize how miserable I was hanging out with someone I wasn’t into. Trying to talk yourself into being with someone who’s ‘Good on Paper’ is exhausting and not something I’d recommend.

A couple of weeks ago I started dating someone new. Although it’s still early days and I don’t know for sure yet where things will go with this one, it does feel a lot better to spend time with someone where there is mutual interest and attraction. If I kept dating the old guy I wasn’t into, I wouldn’t have been available to meet someone new with better relationship potential.

Thanks again everyone!

 
Thanks for the update and good luck with the new guy!

If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at [email protected] with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.

17 comments… add one
  • Will.i.am

    Will.i.am December 8, 2011, 12:03 pm

    Good job! Hurting someone else’s feelings is never an easy task. Being able to date someone where the chemistry is more abundant is always a better choice.

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  • Budj

    Budj December 8, 2011, 12:22 pm

    Good choice – however – based on all these details this guy sounds clueless. Most guys would have picked up you weren’t into them after 2 weeks or less (based on how it unfolded) and you never would have had to write in.

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  • becboo84

    BecBoo84 December 8, 2011, 12:31 pm

    Not only do you owe it to yourself not to settle, but you owed it the old guy to be honest so his one-sided feelings wouldn’t continue to grow.

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  • avatar

    Ktfran December 8, 2011, 12:34 pm

    Yay for you LW!

    I was in a similar situation. Although mine escalated to being engaged. We were great friends. He was a great guy. He had a lot of qualities I was looking for. The problem. There was no chemistry. I would make up excuses not to be intimate with him. Unfortunately for me, it took many weeks of therapy to finally realize it’s ok not to settle. Even if the guy was perfect on paper. Thankfully, it was well before the planned wedding.

    I don’t regret my decision for a minute.

    I think there needs to be more stories like yours. And mine. And ReginaRey’s. Because I know there are a lot more people out there like us and those like us are finally making good decisions for ourselves and not what’s expected. I’m proud of you LW.

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  • avatar

    emjay December 8, 2011, 1:00 pm

    I really love your update! I believe there are a lot of people out there who will see this and relate to it. You did the right thing and also the mature thing in this situation. People should never settle for someone who is not right for them, regardless of how much of a great person he/she is. I also like the fact that you gave him a chance to see if it was going to go somewhere, but once you realised it wasn’t you cut him loose to find someone who is a better match. Good luck with the new relationship! I hope this is the one for you!

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  • avatar

    *HmC* December 8, 2011, 1:39 pm

    I stand by the comments I made on the original letter, but it sounds like the LW did make the right decision. I don’t think you should be dreading being with someone you’re dating, and I think it’s telling that she felt such relief immediately upon ending things. Good luck with the new guy, LW!

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  • Jess

    Jess of CityGirlsWorld.com December 8, 2011, 2:02 pm

    Couldn’t be happier to hear this news! (well not happy that someone was dumped cause that’s stinky but truly he is better off in the long run)

    Best of luck with the new guy and BRAVO on listening to your instincts and holding out for someone who is a good guy, good to you, AND makes your heart patter. SO worth the wait.

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  • avatar

    ReginaRey December 8, 2011, 2:35 pm

    Really glad to see your update! I’m glad you acknowledged what you were feeling and allowed yourself to be single…it’s already paying off!

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  • avatar

    lets_be_honest December 8, 2011, 2:37 pm

    Great update! I echo what KTfran said above, too.

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  • Will.i.am

    Will.i.am December 8, 2011, 3:35 pm

    Couldn’t we all say a lot of people stay in a “not good for them relationship,” because of the uncertainty of what lies ahead? As in, you could be single for 2 months or 2 years.

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  • avatar

    Martin December 8, 2011, 5:28 pm

    Speaking from a guy’s perspective, the LW did the right thing – much as the poor guy himself may not think so for a while. If he were me a few years ago, I’d be a bit mad at the LW for letting us get all the way into a relationship (and waste all of two months) in the first place when she knew* it was going nowhere from the start. To be honest, though I now think it’s certainly possible, I don’t think I’ve ever heard of the LW’s approach – giving the relationship time to allow feelings (that should have existed from the get-go) to develop – ever working before.

    PS: After suffering through a semester of unrequited love in college, a friend of mine got me sold on the theory that a woman knows whether or not she is attracted to a guy within the first five minutes of meeting him, and there’s absolutely nothing he can do to change it. I lived by this throughout the rest of my years in school and quite a while afterwards – once a lady says no and throughout the whole of next week there is no opportunity for us to grab a quick coffee, I do us both a favor and never bother asking again.

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  • bittergaymark

    bittergaymark December 8, 2011, 6:36 pm

    Two MONTHS?! She dated this guy for more than two months and NEVER felt a spark. That to me is kind of crazy. I mean, come on. If you don’t feel a spark — you don’t feel a spark. She should have ended this after the third date in my opinion… It seems to me she strung him along rather needlessly. Not saying she meant to do so, but she did.

    In the future I hope she seriously ups the timeline…

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    • Jess

      Jess of CityGirlsWorld.com December 9, 2011, 9:05 am

      Lessons learned, right? In her defense (and if you read comments on the original letter), there are a lot of messages swirling around that would have people believe that a “spark” is a juvenile thing that doesn’t last anyway –so people should focus on qualities in a partner and leave at that. I am pretty outspoken about the fact that I think that is AWFUL advice. I’m with you in that, a spark is an essential part of the foundation in any relationship. It may not last in the same form forever, but if it was NEVER there, the relationship lacks the glue to hold together. My opinion.

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    • avatar

      YouOtterKnow December 13, 2011, 12:49 pm

      I’ve dated people (plural) for far longer than that without feeling a spark. For some people (my former self included) it just takes a long time to realize that your own happiness is just as important as the person you are dating, and even if he is perfect on paper it sometimes doesn’t work. I think implying she was purposely leading him on isn’t fair. It’s a hard lesson to learn.

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  • bittergaymark

    bittergaymark December 8, 2011, 8:15 pm

    It’s great that she cut this guy loose. But it took her two months of dating to figure this out? That seems like a crazy long time. I mean, I usually can tell after three dates, tops. Hopefully she ups her own timeline a bit, as I think she REALLY not only wasted this guy’s time, but ensured that he would be more attached to her, too. (Though all this was unintentional, the result is the same.)

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    • avatar

      Theenemyofmyenemyisagrilledcheesesandwich December 9, 2011, 4:06 am

      I don’t think it’s that crazy. Supposing they both work a lot, supposing they only saw each other once a week or two, that’s 4-8 dates. I think worse dating crimes have been committed than fooling yourself a little about your ability to fall for someone who you know is a good person, but just don’t have a spark with. Just because they broke up it doesn’t mean she treated him badly, or that they wasted their time.

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  • katie

    katie December 8, 2011, 8:21 pm

    LW, thank you for making the best decision for you!!

    it would make me so sad if you had wrote in about how you were taking next steps with him -getting married or having kids or whatever- and you still just werent feeling it. if that happened to me, i would feel like i was living a lie… im glad you didnt have to go through it!

    unfortunatly, i think a lot of women will settle because they feel they are running out of time. good for you for not settling!

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