Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Updates: “Lied To” Responds (Again)

updatesIt’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today we hear from “Lied To” who discovered that her husband had been pursuing another woman. “He insists that he didn’t sleep with her,” she wrote, “and promised that he would do everything he could to get my trust back. […] Am I being a fool thinking that he will be faithful to me?” She updated once before, nearly three years ago, writing: I decided to stay with him and try to work things out, as he promised to try and win back my trust. But now, he gets upset with me because I don’t trust him. He also says he doesn’t consider what he did cheating and gets offended if I refer to it as that. I have told him I am trying my best and I would like to go to counseling to get help with our trust and communication issues, but so far he has refused to go.” To which, I replied: Stop listening to his broken promises and meaningless words and pay attention to what his actions are saying. He is not invested in saving your marriage. I say quit wasting time and MOA. This guy is not good husband material.” Keep reading to see whether she took that advice.

I wrote you several years ago after my husband asked out another woman, and now I have second update. I hope this will be my last. After being with him eight years, I finally moved out and asked him for a divorce. Things only seemed to get worse after I wrote you, and I am not quite sure why I stayed as long as I did.

Two years ago my husband was arrested for felony obstruction of justice and sexual assault. He got drunk with another woman, went home with her, and in the morning she said she had been too drunk and thought he was her boyfriend. Even though he cheated and completely betrayed my trust, I blindly believed him when he said everything was consensual. He went to court and had to settle for a misdemeanor and registering as a sex offender since he has an ongoing immigration application (he got a green card when we got married). He went to jail for 45 days and I continued to be supportive. We went to therapy and he stopped drinking.

He then decided he didn’t want to go to therapy anymore and he started drinking again. Then he started getting phone calls and texts from a female coworker whom he became friends with, and it all boiled over when I picked up one of her phone calls and she hung up on me. He didn’t want to confront her because he didn’t want to “make things awkward at work.” He allowed her to disrespect me, and I allowed him to do so as well. Now looking back, it’s pretty clear to me that he was either having an affair or at the very least interested in this woman.

I firmly believe in men and women having friendships, but I lost all trust in him and he did absolutely nothing to alleviate my pain or regain my trust. Instead, he deleted phone calls and saw her behind my back. I looked at myself in the mirror one day and didn’t recognize who I was anymore. My happiness was starting to fade, my self-esteem was rock bottom, and I knew I had loved and supported a husband who said I was the one with a problem. I realized only I had the solution. I packed up my things, moved to my parents’ house, and contacted an attorney. I plan to move closer to school in a month or so, and I have about a year left before I finish my PhD. I am going to counseling myself to try to figure out why I stayed so long and allowed him to treat me this way. I’m in no way perfect, but at the very least I deserve respect and fidelity. I am hopeful for a better future. Thanks, Wendy!

 
Thank you for the update. Here’s to new beginnings and big steps in the right direction! I wish you all the best going forward.

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If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at wendy@dearwendy.com with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.

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5 comments… add one
  • Astronomer

    Astronomer August 10, 2015, 1:09 pm

    Ugh, I’m so sorry all those things happened to you. I think counseling is a good idea, since it’s scary that it had to get THAT bad before you left. But hey–you’re out now, and you’re doing great. And congratulations on almost being done with the PhD. That’s a huge accomplishment, especially considering what you were dealing with while you’ve been in school.

    Take care, and keep your head up. It only gets better from here.

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    Kate August 10, 2015, 1:21 pm

    Yes, congratulations, and your life is going to be so much better! I think it’s possible to get past a betrayal like the original one (asking out another woman, lying about it) in some cases, but only if you had a super strong foundation to begin with, you can identify what was wrong in your relationship and both work really hard to get to the bottom of it and the betraying partner does whatever it takes to get the trust back. And even then, not always. You did put up with too much for too long, when he wasn’t doing what he needed to do, but at least you can look back and know you didn’t bail too early and that you did everything you could to make it work. Now for what’s next!

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  • avatar

    Jane63 August 10, 2015, 2:26 pm

    Great update! Good luck to you!

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  • avatar

    Elle August 10, 2015, 3:10 pm

    I also divorced my ex-husband a couple of years before finishing my PhD. It will get better, I promise. On the bright side, when you’re looking for jobs, you only have to take yourself into consideration, and you can go wherever you want!

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  • juliecatharine

    juliecatharine August 10, 2015, 5:55 pm

    Oh LW, my heart hurts for you. Congratulations on taking control and moving out. Please, for the love of all that is holy stay gone and follow through with a divorce. This man is a colossal dickhead and a lying sack. Please, you’re obviously an intelligent woman, own that and know in your heart that you deserve someone who will treat you with love, respect, and some common freaking courtesy.

    PS. Do not let yourself be manipulated into helping him with any immigration stuff. F that.

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