It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today, we hear from “Lied To” who discovered that her husband had been pursuing another woman. “He insists that he didn’t sleep with her,” she wrote, “and promised that he would do everything he could to get my trust back. […] Am I being a fool thinking that he will be faithful to me?” Keep reading for her update.
Unfortunately, we are still having issues. I decided to stay with him and try to work things out, as he promised to try and win back my trust and he apologized profusely. But now, he gets upset with me because I don’t trust him. I have told him that it was his actions that have brought on my distrust, but he says it makes him angry and uncomfortable (I said, “magine how I felt when you asked her out!”). He says he talked to the other woman because he can’t talk to me as “I always have something smart to say.” He also says he doesn’t consider what he did cheating and gets offended if I refer to it as that. I have told him I am trying my best and I would like to go to counseling to get help with our trust and communication issues, but so far he has refused to go.
He says he loves me and that I make him happy, but in all honesty, he doesn’t appear to be happy. I don’t know what else to do. I can’t seen to make him happy or be the kind of wife he needs me to be. I get mad at myself because I love him so much that I am sticking this out even if he seems to be putting in no effort. Every time we try to talk about things, I end up feeling worse about myself. I have asked him if he wants a divorce or a separation, and he says no. He did ask me, though, why I married him if I knew his past with women (past cheating, sleeping around). I said that I married him because I was deeply in love and trusted that he was too and that I hoped that the love and respect we had would be enough. While I am trying to be understanding and less angry, I can’t help but feel saddened, defeated and that somehow all of this is my fault. I have called a therapist to see if I can start counseling. Maybe you’ll get another update soon. Thanks again.
In your original letter you wrote that he “promised that he would do everything he could to get my trust back,” and yet now you’re saying he refuses to go to counseling with you. Stop listening to his broken promises and meaningless words and pay attention to what his actions are saying. He is not invested in saving your marriage. I say quit wasting time and MOA. This guy is not good husband material.
If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at email@example.com.