Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Updates: “Like I Lost Another Husband” Responds

updatesIt’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today we hear from “Like I Lost Another Husband” who wrote in about a year and a half ago when her boyfriend of two years left her after his mother died of cancer, telling her he didn’t want to love or be loved. “I’m out of my mind with grief now and feel like I just lost another husband. Why is he doing this?! He said he hates me because I won’t leave him alone and respect his wishes. What about my wishes for the life he promised me that I would have with him? How could he go from loving me so intensely to hating me? I’m so confused, and I can’t stop crying every day. I miss us so much.” Her update below:

I found out he was emotionally cheating and flirting with a co-worker while he was still living with me and sleeping with me. Then, after his mom died, he told me to leave — he said he needed to be alone. He used his mom’s death to get me out. How disgraceful! And now he’s been living with the other woman for about one and a half years. We lived together for twenty months, so I figure in a few months he’ll dump her for someone new. They’re madly in love and that’s how we were. Lol. So rebound is in the works. Except he might be afraid to leave her because she’s got a really big Dominican Latin family. He’s Italian and German and I’m German and Irish.

He’s a moron and so is she. I just want them to be miserable after what they did to me. But I’m moving on slowly and feeling better everyday. If they were to break up, it would make me move on more quickly.

Well, there it is in a nutshell. He’s just a typical Aquarius man. She’s a Libra. I’m a Scorpio. The End.

 
Indeed.

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If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at [email protected] with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.

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21 comments… add one
  • avatar

    for_cutie April 10, 2017, 2:07 pm

    Um, what? There are a lot of proper nouns peppered in here and nothing makes sense.

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  • avatar

    Ashley April 10, 2017, 2:16 pm

    I have no idea why he felt the need for a cover story.

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  • avatar

    Miss MJ April 10, 2017, 2:17 pm

    LW, I’m really sorry that this happened to you. But, at least you didn’t waste too much time with this man. And you shouldn’t let him waste any more of your time by bothering to think about him enough to wish him misery. Stop focusing on his life.

    Instead, focus on living your life to its best potential. Like they say, living well is the best revenge and all that. But even more importantly, living angry and bitter and wasting energy and thoughts on someone who in all likelihood has barely given you a thought in the last 2 years later is a very sad (and ultimately lonely) way to live.

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  • kmtthat

    kmtthat April 10, 2017, 2:32 pm

    “Well, there it is in a nutshell. He’s just a typical Aquarius man. She’s a libra. I’m a Scorpio. The End.”

    I know this isn’t meant to be funny, but Jesus did this make me laugh out loud! Horoscopes aren’t real…if he’s a dishonest dick, he’s a dishonest dick, regardless of where the stars and planets we’ve randomly decided were controlling our personalities say! Also since Pluto isn’t a planet anymore and just part of the Kuiper belt, and we are ever closer to finding Planet 9, do we add or change horoscopes? I vote calling one Unicornius! Signed, A Scorpio who loves actual astronomy dating an Aquarius who is more sweet and emotional than I am.
    .
    But really, do what you can to stop focusing on this man (saying you’ll move on sooner if they break up is putting too much power into his hands for your own well being). I get being bitter (had my ex who I lived with and had been with for years cheat on me) but not being able to get past this is letting him win. Find satisfaction in that fact that you found out who he really was before you committed more time and love to the wrong person (which can be one point of dating…deciding if you are compatible with this person).

    Therapy is a great place to start, as you have been through a significant amount of your own loss as well. I hope you find peace and happiness.

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  • avatar

    Kate April 10, 2017, 2:40 pm

    You’re obviously still in touch with him, or doing some heavy stalking. You’d move on a lot faster if you literally blocked and deleted him everywhere. I do NOT think for a second you’d move on if they broke up. You’d probably be sitting by the phone.

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  • avatar

    ele4phant April 10, 2017, 2:48 pm

    I’m sorry, it sounds like what happened hurt a lot.

    Buuuutttt…it sounds like it’s been over a year. You need to let go. Holding onto this much anger for this long is keeping you from moving forward.

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  • Skyblossom

    Skyblossom April 10, 2017, 3:14 pm

    I’m sorry he cheated on you. It has probably happened to most of us. As long as you remain focused on the two of them you aren’t getting over it. He isn’t worth your time or your tears or your long term interest. Quit keeping track of the two of them and counting how long they are together and find pleasure in your own life. You dodged a bullet. You escaped the life he would have given you, the cheating and the lies. She’s still trapped in that life, even if she doesn’t realize she’s trapped. Be glad that you are the one who is free of him. I was cheated on yours ago and it forced me to break up. At first I was angry and hurt. After a while I met my husband and I reached the point where I was glad that the ex cheated on me so that I had to break up with him because I found a much better person and have had a much happier life. Move on and find your happiness. Someday you can look back and be pleased that you aren’t with him. As long as you are focused on him you won’t find that happiness.

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  • FireStar

    Firestar April 10, 2017, 3:20 pm

    You seem to know a lot about his life for someone who broke up a year and a half ago. Block him. Stop stalking him. Stop caring about him and about what he does. You are still too invested.

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  • avatar

    Essie April 10, 2017, 3:29 pm

    You don’t need them to break up in order to move on from this. You just need to choose to let go of the bitterness and self-pity that you’ve been hanging on to for a year and a half. No one’s holding you back but you.

    I get it, breakups hurt like hell. Been there. And he sure didn’t behave honorably on the way out, using his mother’s death as an excuse to leave you. But what’s the point of all this anger, this long after it happened? He doesn’t care that you’re angry. I’m sure he hasn’t even thought about you in ages. His new girlfriend doesn’t care. Your friends and family are probably long past caring. The only person being affected by your anger is you.

    Let it go. It’s not worth the weight you’ve given it in your life. Decide that you’re not going to waste another minute of your life on this bitterness.

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  • avatar

    va-in-ny April 10, 2017, 3:55 pm

    I’m a Gemini… what does that mean for me????

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  • TaraMonster

    TaraMonster April 10, 2017, 4:50 pm

    LW, please check the horoscope and racial stereotype charts for me:
    My boyfriend is Hindu and Caribbean. I’m Irish Catholic and a little Dutch. Also he’s a Capricorn and I’m a Virgo.

    What will his family will do to me if I leave him???

    Just wondering.

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    • avatar

      em April 11, 2017, 9:53 am

      yeah, I was curious what her family ethnicity had to do with anything here?

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  • avatar

    Ron April 10, 2017, 6:29 pm

    She’s tracking them so closely and not moving on with her life, because she wants the guy back.

    Explaining life based upon astrology may have been the best people could do in ancient Persia, but in the modern world it just seems to indicate the weirdness of the user.

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  • redessa

    redessa April 10, 2017, 10:00 pm

    Why do you know her astrological sign and where her family is from? And why are throwing your info into the mix? Are you trying to make a comparison as to which one of you would be a better match for him? Do you think that since you and he both have German ancestry and she doesn’t that they’re not as well suited for each other as you and him? That’s not how it works.

    You seem to think this is a contest – it’s not. He broke up with you. The competition, if there ever was one, is over (and seriously, this guy does not sound like a prize in the first place). There’s no reason at all for you to be making comparisons with her. I mean, I think it’s a pretty normal thing to do when you first find out your partner is cheating, but its been a year and a half!

    I agree with everyone else that their breaking up has nothing to do with you being able to move on. You could have done that a long time ago, but you’re choosing to continue nurturing the hurt and anger. You keep tabs on this couple and their apparent happiness. You try to draw conclusions based on your comparative ancestry, astrology, length of relationship, and who knows what else. You’re even inventing excuses in case he stays with her longer than he was with you. This fixation is not healthy. If you can’t stop on your own, you should consider working with a therapist to get past this.

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  • meadowphoenix

    meadowphoenix April 11, 2017, 8:10 am

    Girl…..

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  • avatar

    Unwanted_Truth April 11, 2017, 8:52 am

    The man in this story is the one who dodged a f-ing bullet on this one. You are batty AF. MOA crazy

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    • avatar

      em April 11, 2017, 11:01 am

      “batty AF” make me laugh out loud

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  • bittergaymark

    Bittergaymark April 11, 2017, 9:02 am

    Clearly, he just wasn’t THAT into you. Gee, I can’t imagine why…

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  • avatar

    Susan April 11, 2017, 10:26 am

    We didn’t see that one coming. What a snake.

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  • avatar

    ErinEileen April 12, 2017, 6:27 pm

    Wow….just wow

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  • avatar

    Brise April 13, 2017, 10:27 am

    It is too bad that you are so sad in your late 50′, early 60′. My guess is, your strong reaction and obsession about this breakup has something to do with your husband’s death, as your first post’s title suggested already. The split reactivated very negative emotions that are compelling and out of control for you. My advice would be to start therapy about that first bereavement, and your actual heartache. It is surely connected.
    By the way, it is very common to break a relationship after the loss of a close relative, especially a parent. It is a massive try which leads to more closeness, or sometimes to a breakup. Don’t hate him for this or don’t consider yourself fooled or played. The relationship didn’t work for him anymore, or he couldn’t cope at that time and found an other relationship. There is nothing you can do and there is no come-back. Don’t expect him to break with his new girlfriend. At his age, this is unlikely. Focus on yourself, on your own balance: treat your wounds. Best wishes!

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