It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing today. After the jump, we hear from “Living with Crazy” (aka Painted_lady) whose emergency “Your Turn” column on Friday left a lot of us worried about her safety when she wrote about how crazy the guy her roommate’s dating is. After the jump, find out what transpired over the weekend.
Fortunately, Crazypants was out of town this weekend, so my roommate Jane and I had some time to chill one-on-one. Carol – the friend of Jane’s I had called in concern – and I talked Friday night, and Jane had already told her about the divorced-not-widowed bit. She flipped out on Jane even worse than I did. She had some of the story I didn’t have, and I had parts she didn’t have, plus I’m the only one who’s met him. We both agreed that at this point if both of us started in on her, she would just feel attacked and dig in her heels. As I’m the one who’s met him and I’m directly affected by him in my house, we decided I should be the one to address it and to do so directly. Good part is, Jane isn’t pulling away from either of us (she spent the bulk of the weekend hanging out with one or both of us), so if this weirdo is trying to isolate her, it isn’t working yet.
I called my mom and my boyfriend yesterday and told them both I’m worried this situation may turn ugly, and they both took me very seriously. My parents actually have a small weekend place that my mom gave me the green light to stay at as long as I need, and she’s offered to keep my dog (their house is two hours from work, but the weekend place, which is closer, doesn’t allow dogs). My boyfriend and I were planning on moving in together at Christmas, but he said he can have the money together to put down a deposit on our apartment by the end of the month, and I found an apartment today that’s currently vacant. The landlord said I can move in as soon as next week if I really need it. As an extra added bonus, the place is amazing, and I can’t wait to live there.
And then there’s Jane. Last night, the subject of the guy came up sort of organically, and I set out all my concerns, which were clarified even more by everyone on here – thanks to EVERYONE, but huge huge HUGE thanks to AKChic for really breaking down some of the standard MOs of abusers. We were just chilling over drinks, so it was a really low-stakes setting and it couldn’t have been any more perfect for me to make sure she knew she wasn’t being attacked. She really did seem to listen and told me I had some really good points for her to think really hard about. She also told me as of about a week ago she’s been treading extremely carefully with how she looks at the relationship, and she said she could respect that I wasn’t comfortable with him in the house. I told her that if he escalated his behavior toward me any at all, I would be moving out immediately, and she said she completely understood. As of today, the couple of times she’s referred to him she’s used “if” statements, as in “if he’s around at Christmas,” which is a great sign.
So, it’s not perfect, but the immediate threat of this guy in my house is removed for the time being. I’ve got places to go at a moment’s notice should I need them, I have a permanent plan to leave for the very near future, and Jane is respecting my right to feel safe in my own home and seems to be coming to terms with who this guy really is.
The DW community’s concern for my safety was actually incredibly moving – I am so thankful I had this place to turn to. What Wendy and the rest of us have created here is something I am so happy to be a part of!
I’m so glad you’re safe and are moving out very soon. Hope Jane comes to her full senses sooner rather than later! Keep us posted.
If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.