It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today we hear from “Looking For More,” the widow who was seeing a widower who just wanted to have sex and be friends (and date other people) while the LW was looking for more. “When I’m with him, he’s very caring and generous, so part of me says why not be happy as long as I know it will never be anything more. The other part of me thinks he’s enjoying the sex too much. He says that he doesn’t date me for sex and that he cares about me. How did I get to be so stupid and why can’t I just walk away?” Keep reading to see whether she’s still seeing the noncommittal widower.
I truly wish she would find out what he’s doing. At least she could decide if it’s ok with her. It’s not ok with me and I think I deserve better.
This is so hard for me to say goodby though I know I have to as it is an awful situation and ultimately I will be the loser. I’m already the loser — the sex buddy. After having a wonderful husband, how did I get here? How do I do this?
You’re not a loser. You’re someone who found a person who made her feel less alone after the death of a beloved husband. You enjoyed Jack’s company and the intimacy he provided. And for his part, Jack really didn’t lie to you. He told you early on he didn’t want to be exclusive and that he was seeing someone else. You wanted to believe that if he were a good person and if he really liked you, he would eventually commit to you. He never led you to believe that would happen though. And now you’ve accepted that, and it’s time to move on. Wanting to believe something, having hope that you’d found a relationship that could make you happy — those things don’t make you a loser. You are a little rusty in the dating game, and that’s understandable. Don’t get too discouraged. Brush yourself off, put yourself back out there, and next time believe someone if he tells you that what he’s looking for isn’t the same as what you’re looking for.
If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.