It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today we hear from “Might Move for Love with 5-Year-Old Daughter” who lived in Chicago and was debating whether to move to New York to be with a guy she met at a career training session. She figured she had to move to him rather than having him moving to her because, as she said: “He told me the distance was too much — that he loves me, that he feels an overwhelming connection, and that he can see himself with me in the longterm, but that, until we are closer, he doesn’t think being boyfriend and girlfriend is the way to go.” I told her that he didn’t sound like someone who wanted to be with her, period, regardless of who did the moving. Keep reading to see whether she moved or not.
My boyfriend and I broke up a few months after I wrote you; he wasn’t committed to me and I found out. It took a few months of my hardly talking to him for him to get on a plane to Chicago and tell me how wrong he was. How time away from me had shown him that he was ready to commit and that he was ready to start putting in the work to make our LDR work until we can move to the same state. From August to January, he did just that. I was no longer hidden from his social media, he stopped going out and partying and leaving me waiting by the phone all night, he looked at jobs, we discussed time tables for the early stages of moving, and we were in communication every few weeks about our feelings on the subject of closing the distance. It was everything I had always been wanting out of him, and I started to believe in his words and actions.
Until January. He closed off again, got distant, came up with excuses on why we hadn’t been talking about it recently. He gave me reasons why he no longer was looking to move to Chicago, at least any time soon. While some of them are decent reasons, like cleaning up his debt a little bit so he can improve his credit, a lot of them were just excuses for an indecisive person. He loves me, he says, I’m perfect, I’m everything he wants, but he is still unsure if, when we close the distance, he will be able to provide me the type of daily commitment I am wanting. He’s too afraid to take the risk, and I’m still here waiting like a fool for him to make the decision. He remains back and forth, one week telling me that he doesn’t see this lasting and that there are just some things that are telling him not to do this, followed by weeks of telling me how real our relationship is, how in love with me he is, and how he wants to take a trip by train from NY to San Francisco to see the countryside with me. I can’t handle the roller coaster anymore.
I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. Decisions like this take time and I know that. We’ve been together for over a year besides the two months we didn’t see each other. He’s not ready right now to put the effort into coming up with an end game, but how long do I wait? Is it still too early to say goodbye and tell him he should know by now? Or do I respect the open communication about his conflicted interests and keep having the conversation until it becomes more solidified one way? I love this man and I believe in my heart that our relationship can sustain itself once we move together, but I can’t convince someone else to ignore his fears and reservations.
So, I ask you Wendy, as someone who has made that decision and who was nervous about moving to NY and kept her things in storage in the event it didn’t work out, would you say goodbye if you were I? Would you make the decision to move on because it has been this long and we are no longer closer to figuring it out? Or do I give it some more time? Rushing someone to make a huge decision is never a good thing. I just hope I’m not waiting around for him to be done having fun with me…
You’re doing the same thing in this letter that you did in the one you sent last May; you’re comparing your long-distance relationship to mine. Yes, when I started my LDR, I lived in Chicago and my then-boyfriend (now-husband) lived in New York, but that’s where the similarities end. Drew never wavered in his commitment to me. If he had, I NEVER would have moved and I never would have hung around for months and months, hoping he’d change. Drew never told me that he was afraid to take the risk. He didn’t avoid making a game plan and discussing time tables (quite the opposite, actually). And, for Christ’s sake, there wasn’t a child involved! You still have a child, right? You don’t even mention her in this letter. I guess she’s six now? It’s one thing to put yourself through an emotionally abusive relationship (and that’s exactly where this is headed, by the way); it’s incredibly irresponsible and, you know, potentially damaging to drag your little girl through it, too. She deserves better.
How many times and how many ways does this guy have to tell you that he’s not committed to you? HE’S NOT COMMITTED TO YOU. He’s not going to commit to you. He’s not going to move to you. And if you move to him, pulling your daughter away from the only home she knows — or, worse, leaving her behind — you and your daughter will both be screwed over so bad, and your relationship with her may never recover.
Please take the blinders off. This man doesn’t really love you. He may like you and he may enjoy your company and he might even wish he could be the right man for you. But he isn’t. He isn’t now and he isn’t ever going to be. And he will never, ever, move for you. But you should move. Move on from him. Move on, move on, move on already.
If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.