Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Updates: “Might Move for Love with 5-Year-Old Daughter” Responds

updatesIt’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today we hear from “Might Move for Love with 5-Year-Old Daughter” who lived in Chicago and was debating whether to move to New York to be with a guy she met at a career training session. She figured she had to move to him rather than having him moving to her because, as she said: “He told me the distance was too much — that he loves me, that he feels an overwhelming connection, and that he can see himself with me in the longterm, but that, until we are closer, he doesn’t think being boyfriend and girlfriend is the way to go.” I told her that he didn’t sound like someone who wanted to be with her, period, regardless of who did the moving. Keep reading to see whether she moved or not.

My situation changed and progressed for the better, only for me to be in almost the exact same place I was last time I wrote you. And I’m an idiot for being here again.

My boyfriend and I broke up a few months after I wrote you; he wasn’t committed to me and I found out. It took a few months of my hardly talking to him for him to get on a plane to Chicago and tell me how wrong he was. How time away from me had shown him that he was ready to commit and that he was ready to start putting in the work to make our LDR work until we can move to the same state. From August to January, he did just that. I was no longer hidden from his social media, he stopped going out and partying and leaving me waiting by the phone all night, he looked at jobs, we discussed time tables for the early stages of moving, and we were in communication every few weeks about our feelings on the subject of closing the distance. It was everything I had always been wanting out of him, and I started to believe in his words and actions.

Until January. He closed off again, got distant, came up with excuses on why we hadn’t been talking about it recently. He gave me reasons why he no longer was looking to move to Chicago, at least any time soon. While some of them are decent reasons, like cleaning up his debt a little bit so he can improve his credit, a lot of them were just excuses for an indecisive person. He loves me, he says, I’m perfect, I’m everything he wants, but he is still unsure if, when we close the distance, he will be able to provide me the type of daily commitment I am wanting. He’s too afraid to take the risk, and I’m still here waiting like a fool for him to make the decision. He remains back and forth, one week telling me that he doesn’t see this lasting and that there are just some things that are telling him not to do this, followed by weeks of telling me how real our relationship is, how in love with me he is, and how he wants to take a trip by train from NY to San Francisco to see the countryside with me. I can’t handle the roller coaster anymore.

I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. Decisions like this take time and I know that. We’ve been together for over a year besides the two months we didn’t see each other. He’s not ready right now to put the effort into coming up with an end game, but how long do I wait? Is it still too early to say goodbye and tell him he should know by now? Or do I respect the open communication about his conflicted interests and keep having the conversation until it becomes more solidified one way? I love this man and I believe in my heart that our relationship can sustain itself once we move together, but I can’t convince someone else to ignore his fears and reservations.

So, I ask you Wendy, as someone who has made that decision and who was nervous about moving to NY and kept her things in storage in the event it didn’t work out, would you say goodbye if you were I? Would you make the decision to move on because it has been this long and we are no longer closer to figuring it out? Or do I give it some more time? Rushing someone to make a huge decision is never a good thing. I just hope I’m not waiting around for him to be done having fun with me…

You’re doing the same thing in this letter that you did in the one you sent last May; you’re comparing your long-distance relationship to mine. Yes, when I started my LDR, I lived in Chicago and my then-boyfriend (now-husband) lived in New York, but that’s where the similarities end. Drew never wavered in his commitment to me. If he had, I NEVER would have moved and I never would have hung around for months and months, hoping he’d change. Drew never told me that he was afraid to take the risk. He didn’t avoid making a game plan and discussing time tables (quite the opposite, actually). And, for Christ’s sake, there wasn’t a child involved! You still have a child, right? You don’t even mention her in this letter. I guess she’s six now? It’s one thing to put yourself through an emotionally abusive relationship (and that’s exactly where this is headed, by the way); it’s incredibly irresponsible and, you know, potentially damaging to drag your little girl through it, too. She deserves better.

How many times and how many ways does this guy have to tell you that he’s not committed to you? HE’S NOT COMMITTED TO YOU. He’s not going to commit to you. He’s not going to move to you. And if you move to him, pulling your daughter away from the only home she knows — or, worse, leaving her behind — you and your daughter will both be screwed over so bad, and your relationship with her may never recover.

Please take the blinders off. This man doesn’t really love you. He may like you and he may enjoy your company and he might even wish he could be the right man for you. But he isn’t. He isn’t now and he isn’t ever going to be. And he will never, ever, move for you. But you should move. Move on from him. Move on, move on, move on already.
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If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at [email protected] with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.

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10 comments… add one
  • avatar

    for_cutie March 7, 2016, 2:13 pm

    You probably thought it was pretty romantic when he showed up at your door, right? Wrong. It was manipulative. You took the step to break it off because it was not right, and it took that extreme for him to finally make an effort. This is how the cycle of abuse works – the abuser does that they want and as soon as there are consequences they do some grand, nice gesture to get things back to where they were. Then they revert to their old abusive selves. Your boyfriend may not “abuse” you yet, but he is neglectful and unsupportive. Walk away and don’t take him back when he invariably shows up in Chi-town, possibly with train tickets for that romantic trip. Be stronger than that for your daughter, she needs an example like that in her life.

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  • avatar

    Vathena March 7, 2016, 2:13 pm

    “I was no longer hidden from his social media, he stopped going out and partying and leaving me waiting by the phone all night…” Conveniently, all of this was left out of the first letter, where you declared that you thought he might be “The One”. None of what you describe is the behavior of a person who wants to be with you and only you for the rest of your life. He’s jerking you around and by extension, jerking your daughter around. Stop putting up with his BS and MOA!

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    • avatar

      Anonymousse March 7, 2016, 4:48 pm

      So true! LW, he kept you hidden on social media? Why do you think that is? That’s so sad that you accepted that for so long.
      Girl, you know you deserve better. Be smart.

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  • avatar

    dinoceros March 7, 2016, 2:14 pm

    It’s not too early to say goodbye. It’s way too late. I’m not sure how you can say that you know the relationship would work if you were closer together when he literally said that he’s not really sure it would. That’s like moving for a job when the employer told you that they aren’t really sure that they want to hire you. People who feel “eh” about you don’t suddenly fall in love with you and become interested in commitment. They string you along until they no longer want to. And I can almost guarantee that if you lived near him, he’d break up because it would no longer be a fantasy. It would be a real-life relationship, and he has shown no interest in that. Please stop deluding yourself.

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  • Monkeysmommy

    Monkeysmommy March 7, 2016, 2:34 pm

    LW, I think last time I may have not have entirely thought you were an idiot. However, you have disclosed so much more this time, with the same blinders on, to make it clear that you are quite dense. What the fuck are you thinking? This guy isn’t not that into you. It’s obvious. He may enjoy screwing you from time to time and talking to you when he is lonely, but he isn’t committed. At all. He isn’t going to be. Why are you still hanging in there?!

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  • avatar

    blink14 March 7, 2016, 2:34 pm

    NO. Just no. The amount of LWs who write in with lack of thought when it comes to their children makes me sick.

    No, you should not move across the country for a guy who has played games with you and hid you on social media. No, you should not waste any more time on a guy who you found out “wasn’t committed” to you, which to me means he cheated or wasn’t honest that he was seeing someone.

    And most of all, you should NOT be bringing this guy into your daughter’s life anymore. He clearly doesn’t want commitment, he’s indecisive, and that is not what you or your daughter need. Any relationship with you is also a relationship with your child and I did not find one mention of his view towards her or how she feels about him.

    I’m sorry, but get a backbone, kick this guy to the curb, be single for awhile. Focus on your own needs and those of your daughter.

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  • Stonegypsy

    Stonegypsy March 7, 2016, 2:46 pm

    That’s a lot of time to pass to have not learned anything.

    LW, for the love of Pete (and your DAUGHTER), just move on. He’s hot and cold, you already know he’s playing games with you. Stop putting up with it and MOVE ON.

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  • avatar

    Ron March 7, 2016, 3:36 pm

    This guy sounds not so much afraid of the risk as just not that sold on a future with LW. He ghosted her. How much risk is there is maintaining a long-distance internet chat? None. He likely had what he felt was a better offer at the time he ghosted.

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  • avatar

    Anonymousse March 7, 2016, 4:45 pm

    Facepalm.

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  • avatar

    artsygirl March 7, 2016, 4:53 pm

    LW as you say, same story different day. If you move to his city the only thing that is likely to change is your zip code. He sounds like a guy that is not ready to settle down and is keeping his options open. When he thought you might be ready to move on, he lured you back in with good behavior and a promise that he will change and help resolve your situation. Of course like his elaborate vacation plans, none of that means anything until he actually does something proactive to take the next step in your relationship. For the sake of you and your daughter DO NOT MOVE FOR THIS MAN. If he wants to stop being an on-off LDR then he can move to your city.

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