Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Updates: “Miscarried with FWB” Responds

It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing today. After the jump, we hear from “Miscarried with FWB” who had an early miscarriage (before knowing she was pregnant) and wondered if she should tell the FWB she’d been sleeping with. “I want to tell him, but I’m not sure what his reaction will be. But he’s a really great guy who I believe is mature enough to handle this — I’m just scared of what he will think of me afterwards.” She wrote. After the jump, find out whether she decided to tell him or not.

I wrote in two months ago about the miscarriage I had and whether or not I should tell the guy I was involved with. As I knew he would be leaving for the rest of the year, I decided not to tell him. Also, we were friends first before we started dating, and we’re still friends now, and I didn’t want our friendship to change over the time he’ll be gone if I told him before leaving. Before he left, he told me how much he really liked me and just how much he wanted to be with me in the future if things work out. And so I decided that if we do ever date in the future, then I will tell him about the miscarriage, because it is hard to keep it from him even now. But I just don’t see it as a good idea as he is no longer here anymore and won’t be for quite awhile.

 
I’m glad you made a decision that’s best for you; I only hope you don’t still worry about what your friend will “think of you” if you ever tell him about the pregnancy and miscarriage. The miscarriage was not your fault, and the pregnancy didn’t happen without his equal involvement, so there’s nothing at all you should feel judged by him for.

If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at wendy@dearwendy.com with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.

9 comments… add one
  • avatar

    LTC039 May 18, 2011, 1:25 pm

    I’m concerned that he’ll be upset you didn’t tell him before if you guys to want to develop something more & that it’s still bothering you that you’re keeping it.
    I hope he understands your intentions & that you guys can develop a healthy relationship upon his return. Good luck to you!

    Reply Link
    • avatar

      mf May 18, 2011, 1:56 pm

      That’s an excellent point. The LW should do what’s best for herself, but if she does want to date him in the future, it might be wise to tell him the truth sooner rather than later.

      Reply Link
      • avatar

        LTC039 May 18, 2011, 1:58 pm

        Yeah, it’d be different if she wasn’t planning to ever see him again…I’m always for doing what’s best for yourself, however, this case is different because of that reason.

        Link
      • avatar

        TheOtherMe May 18, 2011, 2:13 pm

        Maybe she was afraid he would think that by telling him that, she’s might be trying to keep him from going away ?

        Link
      • avatar

        LTC039 May 18, 2011, 2:33 pm

        That’s true. That could very well be her reasoning. I’m just thinking when he returns he’ll get upset at her & that will hinder the possibility of a relationship. I guess there’s no easy way to drop that kind of information, or right time.

        Link
  • avatar

    SGMcG May 18, 2011, 3:00 pm

    Thank you LW for updating us! Re-reading your original letter, I noticed that you’re also one of the few LWs that also are kind enough to provide a comment with more clarification. I remember that comment because you mentioned feeling guilty about drinking on a few occasions that might have caused the miscarriage, even knowing that pregnancy was possible. If you haven’t gotten counseling to address your feelings of guilt, please do so. Sometimes miscarriages happen, and it’s totally not your fault. You need some support on this, whether you tell him or not.

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    AKchic May 18, 2011, 3:38 pm

    *hugs* You chose what you felt best for you.

    Having had a few miscarriages with FWB’s before (and with a husband and a long-term BF that we now have a kid together), I can tell you, they feel guilt too. Even holding off and telling them years down the road, they still feel guilt that somehow, if they had known of the pregnancy prior to the miscarriage, somehow, you wouldn’t have (even though you didn’t know of it either!), or guilt that they weren’t “there” for you during the aftermath.

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    Miscarriage LW May 18, 2011, 6:40 pm

    Thought I would just add a few things..

    I haven’t been to counseling for this, although I have in the past for other reasons, and I feel I have a handle on this, along with great, supportive friends & family (one family member knows). And along with the comments on the original post, I no longer feel guilty for drinking.

    And as someone mentioned, a main reason I did not tell him is because I didn’t want him to think it was a ploy to hold onto him.

    I know if I do tell him at some point, of course he will have a reaction, as he is rather in tune with his emotions, in a good way. But something I wish I added in my update is that after that happened, I wasn’t proactive enough about protection, and I feel that is partly my responsibility since I knew what happened, and he did not. We certainly used more than one form of protection afterwards (which is what I believe in), but we could have done better, and for that, I do not want him to be mad at me for not changing the circumstances enough after I found out about the miscarriage. But, I’ll get over it.

    Reply Link
    • avatar

      SGMcG May 19, 2011, 10:18 am

      I’m just glad to hear that you DO have a support network regarding this, even if it doesn’t include him. It sounds like you may tell him at some point, but that now is not the time. Perhaps that time may never come, but at least you are aware of and observing the timeline for what’s best for you. Continue to be more proactive and empower yourself with more protection as needed. It sounds like you’re on a better path though – so yay for that.

      Reply Link

Leave a Comment