Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Updates: “Missing Daddy Daughter Time” Responds

It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing today. After the jump, we hear from “Missing Daddy Daughter Time,” who wrote about her frustration with not getting any alone time with her father since his recent divorce from her mother and marriage to another woman. Soon, she’ll be making a short visit to her hometown before deploying for six months. After the jump, find out whether she has hopes this visit will go better than past trips home.

I would like to thank everyone who responded with their thoughtful advice. In the beginning, I had a lot of resentment towards my father’s wife. But as of right now, I am grateful for her and the care she shows toward my father. He has lost over 40 pounds and is healthier than he was before which makes feel at ease. I have come to understand what happened was for the best and why my relationship with him has somewhat changed from before. My father and I are still close — maybe not as close as we used to be — but that is fine. When I go to visit him and his wife I always feel welcome in their home and they both always make time for me. The only issue I had was spending that one-on-one time with him. I brought it up to him before, but maybe I wasn’t as clear as I needed to be in getting my point across.

So, I called my father to talk about it again. First, his wife answered and she is always very friendly and makes it known to me how much it means to my father that I still keep in touch because my brother has not made any contact with him since the divorce. I sort of jokingly asked whether she minded if I stole my father away for the afternoon and afterward we could all meet up for dinner. She really didn’t make a big deal out of it and said it sounded like a great idea.

I know I made it seem like I had resentment toward her in the beginning but, of course, I was probably just trying to find reasons not to like her. My father is a grown adult and I am an adult as well so I am maturely trying to look at the situation from different perspectives. After I talked to his wife I talked to him for a little and he made it clear he couldn’t wait for me to come down. Of course, I can’t update after I visit most likely because I won’t have access to a computer but we will see what happens. Thanks again to everyone who gave their advice. What I learned is I’m not the only daughter going through this and I’m sure other daughters have it much worse than I do. I am sorry to those people and my heart goes out to all of the daughters who just wanted to have that father-daughter bonding.

 
If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at [email protected] with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.

10 comments… add one
  • avatar

    SGMcG May 3, 2011, 12:15 pm

    Even though we haven’t heard from the LW about how her visit with her father went, it sounds like she’s approaching the situation with great perspective and understanding for all parties involved. More important, it sounds like she is in touch with her feelings and how to express them. Cheers to LW for her enlightenment – I pray you come back for your deployment safely so that you can get all the Daddy Daughter time you deserve!

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  • avatar

    Desiree May 3, 2011, 12:28 pm

    I am definitely glad that things are going well for her. Though I find it a bit strange-the tone of this letter is vastly different than the previous one, but it doesn’t seem like much has changed. It really just seems like she is filling in a lot of details that were present even before. Maybe she was having a bad day when she wrote the first?

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    • Betsy

      Betsy May 3, 2011, 12:43 pm

      a little perspective goes a long way

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    • becboo84

      BecBoo84 May 3, 2011, 3:05 pm

      Yes, I had the exact same thought. The tone is completely different, but the basic situation still seems the same. Very interesting….

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    • avatar

      LW May 3, 2011, 3:46 pm

      Some details were left out of the first letter. I just wanted to clarify in the update that me and father do still have a relationship.

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  • avatar

    kerrycontrary May 3, 2011, 12:36 pm

    I’m glad you were able to communicate effectively with the both of them. I think it’s hard to forgive our parents for actions we don’t approve of, or even realize that they are people just like us who make mistakes. Although your relationship may be different now I think you are approaching it with the right attitude. You only get one set of parents, so don’t waste your time in anger. life is too short.

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  • avatar

    AKchic May 3, 2011, 5:52 pm

    Glad you were able to talk to your step-mom with a better perspective and appreciation for her. You recognized that she HAS helped your dad (40lbs is no mean feat!) and she is kind to you and your relationship with him.

    Thank you for your service, and I hope your daddy-daughter time went well.

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  • avatar

    Spark May 3, 2011, 8:31 pm

    Good for you, LW!

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  • avatar

    SpyGlassez May 4, 2011, 12:23 am

    It also makes sense if your brother has not had any contact with your father since the divorce, that your stepmother would perhaps “hover” and want to know what was going on with you and your dad. Best wishes for all of you.

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  • bittergaymark

    bitter gay mark May 4, 2011, 3:44 pm

    I must have missed the original letter. But it sounds like the LW has a real mature attitude now towards her stepmother which I think will go a long, long way in making sure that her visit is most successful. Treat your stepmother with respect and I bet she will do the same to you… (This is specific to this situation, not a sweeping generalization, but one I am making due to the specifics of the LW’s most recent phone call.) PS — the way you suggested stealing him away for an afternoon was perfect. Frankly, I suspect your Stepmother will welcome the break from both you and your father as I am sure that she is feeling a little stress about your visit as that is only natural since the situations is all so very new. Have a great time!

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