Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Updates: “Missing Hello Kitty” Responds

It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today, we hear from “Missing Hello Kitty” the woman in Germany whose military boyfriend moved back to the states. She visited him a few times and bought lavish gifts for him, as well as some products to keep at his place, such as “some clothes, an xbox, and a Hello Kitty toaster with matching microwave.” He asked her to come visit for their 2-year anniversary, but then, just a few days later, he told her he’d met someone else. Aside from being upset that he dumped her and moved on so quickly, she wanted to know how to get her stuff back without seeming just desperate to talk to him. Keep reading to see if they ever talked again and whether Hello Kitty is safely back in her possession.

Since I wrote to you back in March, a lot has happened. After the ex sent me that text saying he had met someone else, I went into “No Contact” for 30 days and in those 30 days he didn’t try to talk to me either. It was hard, but I was feeling a lot better. After one month I decided to text him. Nothing cute or anything special. I simply asked if he could do me a favor and mail me my things back. He immediately texted back — and I am talking about two seconds after I sent the message. I was really surprised, and he said, “Hi,” and then sent a second text saying, “Guess what.” So I replied with, “What?” And he said that he didn’t replace me. We ended up texting for a bit, and he said that he still has feelings for me and that he misses me.

We talked on and off, and after another month we Skyped. It felt really weird, there were a lot of awkward silences, and it just didn’t feel right. I was so upset about how cold he was that I started crying after we hung up. But we continued talking on and off and it started improving until it almost felt as if nothing had happened and we were still together.

He told me there is a good chance he might come back to Germany and get stationed here again some time next year. We both aren’t seeing anyone else, but we are also not together. However, we talk like we are, so it’s a little confusing to me sometimes. But we don’t say “I love you” anymore. That kinda hurts sometimes.

He keeps telling me to come visit him because we haven’t seen each other since Christmas 2013, but I didn’t book a flight yet — not because I don’t miss him or don’t want to see him but because I want to show him that he doesn’t own me like that. He doesn’t just tell me to do something and then I’ll do it. I’m not sure if that makes sense to you. But I feel like I still have to focus on myself at the moment to become a better person. Both for him and for me.

When we were still together, he would always criticize me for still living at home (I only just turned 21) and not having my driver’s license yet. So that is what I am currently working on–to show him that I am independent and that I can take care of myself. Sometimes I think it’s the age difference that caused our relationship to fail because he is almost 29.

So, as of now, we are not together but we do text again — not everyday, but, when we talk, it’s not weird or awkward or anything. I think that’s all the update for now. I can update you again in the future if you want and maybe send another email at the end of this year.

 
But what about your Hello Kitty stuff??
Ok, in all seriousness, it sounds like you are being practical about this situation and taking care of you and not rushing into anything. Good for you for working on your independence and not jumping just because he tells you to. I think you should tell him that, if he wants to see you so badly, he should come visit you! And tell him to bring your stuff with him!

***************

If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at wendy@dearwendy.com with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.

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39 comments… add one
  • avatar

    Kate July 28, 2014, 1:20 pm

    Yikes. This isn’t good.

    First, 60 days is the recommended no-contact rule. But that aside, here’s what happened: He DID meet somebody, and he dumped you via text. Then no word for a month. When you reached out to him, reminding him of your existence, all he had to say was “Guess what? I didn’t replace you?” That comes across as pretty flippant, smug, and disrespectful. He DID replace you. It just didn’t work out. And now he’s trying to get you to visit him because he’s lonely and/or hard up. He has no commitment to you and can do whatever he wants. He’s dangling this “I may get stationed in Germany again” to keep you on the hook and have someone to talk to and visit with. He has not expressed any remorse or intention to try and renew a relationship with you. And he DUMPED you. And he’s not even in your country and has no idea if he’ll get stationed there again. And you are back on his hook now.

    You should absolutely move on and not waste any more time on this. You SHOULD focus on yourself, but not to make him feel better about you, just because you’re your first priority. And you should be keeping your eye out for guys in your own country who want to date you.

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    • Dear Wendy

      Dear Wendy July 28, 2014, 1:46 pm

      Preach, girl.

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      • Dear Wendy

        Dear Wendy July 28, 2014, 3:02 pm

        I only got two thumbs down on this one, so clearly, someone is sleeping on the job today.

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      • Dear Wendy

        Dear Wendy July 28, 2014, 5:55 pm

        Oh, up to three. Looks like someone woke up. *yawn, stretch*

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      • avatar

        tbrucemom July 28, 2014, 6:17 pm

        I’m not going to give you a thumbs down but I have to admit that Kate’s advice was better than yours today. 🙂

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      • Dear Wendy

        Dear Wendy July 28, 2014, 6:52 pm

        It was.

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    • Addie Pray

      Addie Pray July 28, 2014, 2:47 pm

      brill.

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      • Addie Pray

        Addie Pray July 28, 2014, 2:48 pm

        iant.

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    • Lianne

      Lianne July 28, 2014, 10:05 pm

      THIS ^ is why she is one of my closest friends.

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  • bagge72

    bagge72 July 28, 2014, 1:26 pm

    It sounds like you are using this as an excuse to not move on. You should be out there dating other people, and finding somebody who doesn’t treat you like that, and not even fight for you once you stop talking to him. To me it sounds more like you are trying to be independent for him, and not for you so you can get him back. So my advice would be to stop acting like you are BF and GF, in the hopes that when he gets stationed there, you can get back together, because he is just going to leave you again.
    .
    You are 21 you should be out there having fun with your friends, not skyping with a guy that treated you like trash. He is clearly lying to you about not replacing you, he either has a GF now, and she doesn’t know about you, or they broke up, but he did replace you. It’s funny how quickly you forget that he talked shit about you to everyone he knows, and your friends too calling you crazy, and sending out naked pictures of you to people, and him posting pictures on instagram of the girl he was cheating on you with, and then replaced you with.

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  • Lyra

    Lyra July 28, 2014, 1:31 pm

    You’re 21. Go out and have fun and kiss lots of boys while leaving this guy in the dust. Seriously. There are lots of guys who will treat you infinitely better than this guy. Don’t tie yourself down to a guy who isn’t worth it.

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  • avatar

    Lucy July 28, 2014, 1:37 pm

    “Sometimes I think it’s the age difference that caused our relationship to fail because he is almost 29.” No, what caused your relationship to fail is that your ex is an asshole who dumped you via text message. Please don’t waste your time (or money) on this jerk. There are plenty of men out there who will treat you better. Just get your stuff back and move on.

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    • avatar

      Sara July 28, 2014, 2:56 pm

      “No, what caused your relationship to fail is that your ex is an asshole”

      This. So much this.

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  • avatar

    j2 July 28, 2014, 1:45 pm

    A mathy friend of mine introduced me to a rule of age delta. Basically, don’t get serious with a guy who is older than you by more years that you are older than 18.

    For a 21 year old, for example, that would be any guy older than 24.

    For a 30-year old, it would be any guy over 42.

    Personally, the guy you described sounds like bad news. WWS all the way!

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    • Dear Wendy

      Dear Wendy July 28, 2014, 1:47 pm

      That is an awesome rule.

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    • Addie Pray

      Addie Pray July 28, 2014, 2:47 pm

      i *love* rules by mathy people.

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    • avatar

      tbrucemom July 28, 2014, 6:20 pm

      So if you’re 18 you can’t go out with any older than 18?

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      • Cassie

        Cassie July 28, 2014, 9:19 pm

        Yes. And, if you’re under 18, you have to start dating middle schoolers.

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      • avatar

        j2 July 28, 2014, 10:17 pm

        The rule was not who to “go out with” — it was who to “get serious with.”

        In actuality, my friend did not believe one was ready to “get serious” with anyone before age 20 or 21.

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    • Portia

      Portia July 29, 2014, 3:19 pm

      Phew, just made it! We were 19 and 20.

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  • avatar

    sarita_f July 28, 2014, 1:49 pm

    Oh good lord. What everyone else has said is right. He’s stringing you along. You’re probably a hot young piece and he’s lonely and also setting you up for if he goes back to Germany – he’s a manchild who doesn’t want to be “alone.”

    Honestly? Dude sounds like either a loser who can’t find anyone in his own country NOR his own age group… or possibly a total player who found an easy source of attention in you. I’m sorry but I think you should drop this dude and just move on. WAY on. Just quit texting him, I bet once he doesn’t get a response or two you won’t hear from him again. He doesn’t sound very invested in you. Go out and have fun!

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  • Addie Pray

    Addie Pray July 28, 2014, 2:49 pm

    One question: did he do as you asked and mail your stuff back? Or now that you’re back on the hook, is he allowed to keep on using all your stuff?

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    • Addie Pray

      Addie Pray July 28, 2014, 2:49 pm

      (Ok, that is technically two questions but the latter is more of a subset of the first. Fine, two questions.)

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      • bagge72

        bagge72 July 28, 2014, 3:12 pm

        Perfect questions though!

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      • Addie Pray

        Addie Pray July 28, 2014, 3:15 pm

        The second one was really just a translation of what the answer to the first question would mean, so i’m sticking with it *was* ONE question. But really I want an answer. Because I think this guy just bought him more time with the Hello Kitty Xbox shit. (Wait, was it a Hello Kitty Xbox? Because that would be awesome.)

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      • Addie Pray

        Addie Pray July 28, 2014, 3:17 pm

        Also, if she never got the stuff back or even followed up about the stuff, then that’s what I call SMOKING GUN EVIDENCE that the only reason she reached out about the stuff was to get him back. Because obviously she doesn’t care about the stuff, if she still doesn’t have it and she doesn’t care. Lady, I’m on to you!

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      • bagge72

        bagge72 July 28, 2014, 3:21 pm

        Yeah I think you are totally right, and it was a hello kitty toaster, and an xbox I believe!

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      • Portia

        Portia July 28, 2014, 3:40 pm

        An xbox too??? She needs to get that back, that shit’s expensive! I loaned a dvd to a guy once a long time ago and didn’t get it back, but I still asked him about it next time I saw him, which was a few years later.

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  • Cassie

    Cassie July 28, 2014, 3:20 pm

    “Hey, guess what! I didn’t replace you!”

    Except he did. He had a frickin’ hot date photo on instagram to prove it. I’m guessing the only reason they’re not together now is because she ended it.

    And he broke up with you through a text saying he had someone else. After a 2 year relationship. And proceeded to bad mouth you to his friends and your friend.

    And he never came to visit you in Germany (when you were still in a relationship) after he was back in the states. You know, airplanes do work both ways.

    LW, you need to MOA.

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    • bagge72

      bagge72 July 28, 2014, 3:50 pm

      Yeah if somebody said “Hey, guess what! I didn’t replace you!” to me after they dumped me by text, and had pictures of him on dates a week later, I would tell them to go fuck themselves. Like she is supposed to say thank you or something.

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      • Cassie

        Cassie July 28, 2014, 4:16 pm

        I know! It’s crazy. I mean, how do you even respond to that? “Thank you for deeming not to replace me. Even though you were going to. But then somehow you did not. I am honored and grateful that you, by default and lack of options, have not found another girlfriend robot at this time.”

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  • avatar

    Lily in NYC July 28, 2014, 3:28 pm

    LW, you are being a complete doormat. Why are you trying to better yourself to get his approval? He’s been using you since day one. You should should be doing this stuff for yourself, not for him. Why are you settling for crumbs? Because that is what you are doing. You are also trying to analyze everything he says or does as signs that he’s into you. That right there should be big flashing sign that he’s just stringing you along in case he does have to return to Germany. And guess what will happen? The same exact thing. I wouldn’t be surprised if he is still dating the other woman.

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  • avatar

    Nico July 28, 2014, 3:48 pm

    1 hair towel
    3 bottles of body wash (idk I like a lot of body wash)
    2 pairs of slippers
    1 north face zip hoodie
    1 disposable razor
    1 bottle of eye makeup remover
    1 tooth brush
    1 DVD copy of Apollo 13
    I Blu-Ray copy of Anchorman 2
    1 black and white picture of the 30’s Cubs probably still hanging in his poker room

    That’s a list of all the things that I will never see again bc I left them at my Ex Boyfriends house, and he (like a coward) broke up with me over the phone. I almost reached out to him to get these things back, but you know what I realized? I can (and already did for Anchorman 2) replace all of these things, but I can’t replace my dignity, which I would loose by reaching out to him. Spend your time on someone who is worth it, and knows not to throw away a good thing.
    Make a list (like the one above but with more hello kitty things) and then throw it out.
    It’s not about money, or stuff, it’s about your self respect. So STOP talking to this guy. You can and will do better.

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    • avatar

      _s_ July 29, 2014, 2:53 pm

      He did you a favor by keeping the Anchorman 2 Blu-ray.

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  • avatar

    Essie July 28, 2014, 3:52 pm

    Please, please tell me he didn’t actually say “I didn’t replace you.”

    Because the only possible answer to that is “Well, I replaced you. Now **** off”. Followed by blocking his texts. I wouldn’t even want my stuff back after that.

    What an arrogant, obnoxious thing to say. Little dirtbag would never hear another word from me again.

    LW, if a partner doesn’t treat you with basic respect, they’re not worth having. Please don’t get strung along by this loser.

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    • Bon Vivant

      Bon Vivant July 28, 2014, 4:10 pm

      Exactly. Using the term “replace” in refrence to her is so obnoxious. As if she was a light bulb or something. LW please don’t squander any more of your time on him.

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    • Cassie

      Cassie July 28, 2014, 4:24 pm

      “I may be irreplaceable, but you are not.”

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    • avatar

      tbrucemom July 28, 2014, 6:21 pm

      Thank you! I was just getting ready to make the same comment. I REALLY hope it didn’t actually say “I didn’t replace you”!

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  • avatar

    va-in-ny July 29, 2014, 12:44 pm

    Keep him on the line until he sends your stuff back, then send him a text saying “Guess what? We’re never talking again!”

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