Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Updates: “More than a Friend” Responds

It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today, we hear from “More than a Friend” who wondered whether it was a mistake to sleep with a guy she likes on the first date and to tell him he makes a great “FWB” even though she’d like to be more than just friends with benefits. Keep reading to see where things stand between them now.

I have an update in response to my earlier letter about sleeping with a guy on the first date:He came over and I was all prepared to have the conversation with him that you suggested. I felt courageous, worthy and prepared and, of course, you know what they say about making plans. So he came over, and wondered why I didn’t text him the night before, which was a Saturday night. I said, “I just figured you were out, you know, single guy, Saturday night – common sense” and he looks at me with bewilderment and says “wait…single guy? You think I’m single? I’m not single, I’m with you.” And that is how I found out we were dating.

The only problem is – I find it strange that our lines of communication are so low that I didn’t even KNOW we were together when he clearly did. Things are going strong, but we don’t see each other as much as I’d like or talk as much as I’d like and I hope I can learn to communicate better. Your column and the comments from readers really helped me and I greatly appreciate the advice.

 
Girl, quit waiting around for him to set the tone of your relationship and take some initiative. If you want better communication with him, then communicate better. Talk to him. Tell him you really enjoy his company and would love to have more of it. Call him up to talk. Plan dates that allow you to connect. This is your relationship as much as it is his, so take some ownership in it. Before he thinks you aren’t interested and finds someone who shows him she is.

***************

If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at wendy@dearwendy.com with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.

You can follow me on Facebook here.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

19 comments… add one
  • avatar

    Alecia August 23, 2012, 1:25 pm

    I agree with Wendy- don’t wait on him. Guys don’t initiate things like that. Good thing you are both on the same page about the relationship but don’t let that be enough for you. Good luck with everything!

    Reply Link
    • avatar

      j2 August 23, 2012, 2:04 pm

      I wonder how he will respond to greater communication efforts.

      For example, will he interpret it as her being “needy” or “high maintenance”?

      She needs to ramp it a bit gradually, methinks, and I sure hope she shares another update after a bit.

      Reply Link
  • avatar

    tbrucemom August 23, 2012, 1:30 pm

    For some reason, a lot of guys just don’t seem to communicate well. I had to tell my BF of 3 years after we were dating about 6 months that I wanted to talk to him before I went to bed at night, just to hear about our days, etc. especially since at that point I only saw him on the weekends. Guess what? He started calling me every night. Of course now after 3 years I call him sometimes because as Wendy so eloquently stated it’s my relationship too, but I hope you get the point.

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    MsMisery August 23, 2012, 1:40 pm

    D’oh.

    But good luck with the new boyfriend and the communication odyssey.

    Reply Link
  • Budj

    Budj August 23, 2012, 1:43 pm

    Perfect follow-up advice.

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    Lindsay August 23, 2012, 1:45 pm

    That’s one problem I’d like to have. Just kidding. But not really. It would be nice, though, to think that you’re FWB-zoned and then find out he actually likes you and wants to be with you, as opposed to the opposite. Though I think I’d feel a little smothered if he assumed we were going to hang out on a Saturday because we were “together” and I didn’t know it.

    Enough of my ramblings, though. I second (third? fourth? fifth?) Wendy’s advice to ramp up the communication a little. There’s no reason for either of you to be in the dark about what’s going on. But communication is sometimes hard when you start a relationship, so I’m sure it’ll come together easier soon enough.

    Reply Link
  • Fabelle

    Fabelle August 23, 2012, 2:33 pm

    I’ve heard of things like this happening– in fact, I think somebody might have told a story about it in the comments on that letter (maybe a different letter? I don’t remember anymore!) Some guys don’t have a natural inclination to “check in” at the beginning stages & just assume that hanging out + date-like activities + sex= relationship, unless they happen to SPECIFICALLY want an f-buddy & nothing more.

    I usually don’t like to draw along gender lines, but I kind of want to point out the interesting difference here? Something about how men (in general, in situations like the LW’s) KNOW already what they want (to the point of assuming they already have it, when nothing has even been discussed), whereas women– again, in the early dating stages & in GENERAL– are so busy trying to figure out what the guy wants that they possibly neglect their own desires?

    LW, Wendy’s right, you need to take at least partial ownership of this pairing. It’s great he wants to be with you THAT WAY, but make sure that this relationship isn’t being dictated through defaults (if that makes sense)

    Reply Link
    • Budj

      Budj August 23, 2012, 2:39 pm

      I’d say the fact he has assumptions about their status means it is more important for her to communicate to ensure there aren’t any assumptions she doesn’t agree with in his mental image of their “apparently” relationship…

      Reply Link
      • Fabelle

        Fabelle August 23, 2012, 3:04 pm

        I agree! That’s kind of what I meant by the “default” thing

        Link
    • avatar

      MJ August 23, 2012, 3:09 pm

      Yeah, my bf deactivated his OKCupid profile without saying anything, and then when I told him I had referred to him as “my boyfriend” and asked if that was okay, responded with “yeah, I planned to introduce you as my girlfriend…”

      I was thinking we were going to have to have a big relationship defining talk, but nope. We just became a couple.

      Reply Link
      • avatar

        lemongrass August 23, 2012, 4:11 pm

        My husband is still on plentyoffish! He just never bothered to delete his account. He’s also not very tech-smart. I read his emails out to him!

        Link
    • becboo84

      BecBoo84 August 23, 2012, 4:18 pm

      Yes, I second this. My now husband and I had been “dating” for a few weeks and had done the frisky business, but because I didn’t want to be “that needy girl who assumes having sex = some type of relationship,” I refused to say we were dating until he finally said something along the lines of, “You know… it kind of hurts my feelings when you introduce me to people as your friend. We’re more than friends, right?”

      Reply Link
  • avatar

    MMcG August 23, 2012, 3:42 pm

    Funny thing about guys… I feel like they date the beginning of the relationship at the time when THEY started to feel it, not necessarily when it is mutual and/or there has been a conversation. Perhaps that’s why they can take it so bad when the feeling/assumption isn’t returned.

    Grandiose stereotyping followed by personal anecdote:
    When a girl has a thing for a guy, she overanalyzes it and asks her friends and hopes/prays he feels the same way (and if you’re the LW you write DW) and assumes the worst. Whereas when a guy finally decides he’s into a girl he just assumes the best, figures “we’re together now” and keeps on keepin’ on. My fiance and I had a very random beginning to our relationship (long-distance, past history, whatever) and after we were together for six months or so, had traveled/said I love you, we had this random conversation about when our 1 year anniversary would be – and he thought it would be a good 3 months before I did. I was incredulous, I was very much living as a single gal at that point in time, and it became clear that it just was when something “clicked” in his head… even though we hadn’t seen each other in ages he assumed the feeling was mutual. I, of course, waited until actual physical contact occurred, and that’s the anniversary I go by 😉

    Oh, and this LW should still be way more assertive/proactive in her relationship, and probably all relationships in her life!

    Reply Link
    • avatar

      MMcG August 23, 2012, 3:45 pm

      Meant this as a response to Fabelle above – great point!!

      Reply Link
    • avatar

      Eagle Eye August 23, 2012, 4:11 pm

      Hahaha, actually it was the other way around for my boyfriend and I, we were dating and seeing each other fairly regularly at that point – probably 1-2x a week, so I figured that we were both generally into it and, you know, we were a thing, I liked him, he clearly like me.

      He, on the other hand, actually initiated the exclusivity talk – i am boyfriend you are girlfriend and I actually remember being a little taken aback, because, I was like, so what, were you with some other ladies during this period (he wasn’t)? I just kinda figured we were a thing by this point.

      But, no, communication is a good thing, and FWIW I’ve generally held up my end of the relationship bargain 🙂

      Reply Link
  • bittergaymark

    bittergaymark August 23, 2012, 4:05 pm

    And it continues to amaze me just how MINDBLOWING passive many are in their own relationships… Are you a girlfriend or a potted plant?

    Reply Link
    • avatar

      anonymous August 23, 2012, 6:29 pm

      BGM, how do you manage to encapsulate the problem in some pithy remark like this? Keep ’em coming…

      Reply Link
  • Kristina

    Kristina August 23, 2012, 3:20 pm

    I’m glad things have worked out for you. But after re-reading your orignal letter, I hope that you quit texting each other all the time. It can be cute, but I think texting will only hinder the real communication progress. I hope things work out.

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    Uuna August 24, 2012, 9:05 am

    “And that´s how I found out we were dating” My god.

    You´re head over hills for this guy and from the way you act around him and not tell him things he might think you´re not into him! You were lucky so far. He could have said “Wait… you think I´m single? Fine.” leave the room and never come back thinking you two weren´t on the same page and he was wasting his time with you.

    Start showing your true feelings so HE KNOWS you like him a lot too.

    Reply Link

Leave a Comment