Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Updates: “My Life as a Post-Prison Wife”

It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today, we hear from Nicki Stapleton (aka “honeybeenicki”) who shared an incredibly candid and touching essay with us last year about her life as a prison wife. Go back and (re)-read it, and then read her uplifting update below (spoiler: her husband’s been released from prison and is back home now!).

I thought it was time to update the DW community on my situation. I got so much support and encouragement from everyone, and I truly appreciate it. I haven’t been around much because I started a new job that is pretty strict on personal computer use, but I still check every day and read every column and most of the forums. I miss everyone, but I’m still here.

After years of waiting, and a lot of ups and downs, my husband came home on October 15th, 2012. I told him I wouldn’t be able to be home to meet him because of the new job I had just started, but a migraine (likely caused from stress) sent me home early that day so I was there for him on his first day back, after all. The look on his face when I opened the door after I heard the transport van pull up was worth it.

I wasn’t sure how I’d feel when he got home. I had a lot of built-up anger and hurt and, honestly, at some times, I was completely indifferent to the fact that he was gone and the fact that he would be coming home. But when he walked up those steps, I basically jumped on him, nearly knocking him down the stairs, and I knew we’d be ok.

I’ve mentioned it before, but I’ll say it again: being the wife of someone is prison is not easy. It is hard to have very limited time to talk to each other on the phone and even less face-to-face contact. But when you have so little, you can do so much. Our communication was and still is a lot better than it ever had been before. We didn’t fight over stupid little things because they didn’t matter. We have tried to continue with that since he’s been home. We talk through things and try to be more cognizant of one another’s feelings and needs.

For the first three months, he was on electronic monitoring (aka “the bracelet”) and was only allowed to leave the house from 7:00 am to 7:00 pm, so we didn’t really get to go on “dates” at night after work. The night he got the bracelet off, we went out for a big steak dinner and had a great time. We make a point of making sure we have good one-on-one time.

Probably the best part of having him home is that not only do I have my husband back, but I have my kids back too. His two children, who are now 15 and 12, are back to their regularly scheduled visits with us. I worked very hard to get their rooms in our new home ready, and they love them. When they are here, I feel nearly complete. My family is back, and that’s all I need.

Today, I’m in a job I truly love, my husband now has a job — although he doesn’t really enjoy it — and we are rebuilding our life together. Some days it’s like he wasn’t even gone. Some days some of that old hurt and anger comes back up, but we know how to deal with it and talk through it. We are looking toward the future and have big plans for our family. Before he was arrested, we had discussed becoming foster parents and adopting a child. A felony on his record, especially with current probation, makes it nearly impossible to adopt. He had a vasectomy during his first marriage because his ex-wife had two very hard pregnancies, so conceiving naturally is not an option. We are looking into artificial insemination with a donor (hey guys… anyone want to be a no-contact or limited-contact donor? That stuff’s expensive when you go through an agency!) and will be starting the process some time in the next few months, so hopefully there will be a new baby honey bee wandering around sometime in the next year.

I wouldn’t recommend the life of a prison wife to anyone, but I don’t regret my decision to stick around. I still love my husband very much and I was able to see the change in him, which made all the difference in the world. In the end, it has made us both stronger and has made our relationship much better. It was a long, hard road and has shown me my own strengths and weaknesses. I look at it as an experience that I can use to define myself and make myself a better person.

 
I’m so happy to hear you’re doing well and are happy to have your husband and stepkids home. Good luck on the next stage of your life and family. From what we know about you here, I’m sure others will agree that you seem like someone who would make an amazing mother (as I’m sure you’re a wonderful stepmom!).

***************

If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at wendy@dearwendy.com with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.

You can follow me on Facebook here and sign up for my weekly newsletter here.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

83 comments… add one
  • avatar

    lets_be_honest February 21, 2013, 1:03 pm

    I am so freaking excited for this update…now to read it.

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      lets_be_honest February 21, 2013, 1:06 pm

      WOW. I am so happy for you. Best wishes.

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    camorzilla February 21, 2013, 1:14 pm

    Awesome update! Good luck!

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  • theattack

    theattack February 21, 2013, 1:18 pm

    I’ve been wanting an update on this for so long! I’m glad things are working out for you and that you’re happy.

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  • katie

    katie February 21, 2013, 1:23 pm

    so, first of all- yay! this is awesome.

    i do have to say though… i have mixed feelings about your original essay after wendy re-posted it for the year-end roundup. if you go back and look at comments far down, there are women who googled “prison wives” and used this essay as… justificiation? maybe? to stay with their husbands in jail. and while i dont think its bad, obviously thats not bad in every situation, honeybee is proof of that- i hate to think that there are women out there who used this great story to justify their own circumstances. there was one woman who commented that her husband was looking at child porn and she was going to stay with him! come on! so while i am glad that you are doing great, i am sad for other people who will twist this to suit their life and justify bad decisions.

    also: you should totally ask your friends/his family for sperm! as long as a good, simple contract is drawn up, i dont understand why people pay so much for sperm. sperm is so readily available! men produce it all day, everyday! i hope you find a good friend who is willing to help you out. i even saw a weird sex episode about that. the guy got sexual gratification from giving his sperm to other couples, and he never had conventional sex. it was a little weird, sure, but i think he was doing great things for people! and, if he got off on it, great! everyone wins!

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      lets_be_honest February 21, 2013, 1:27 pm

      People who need to justify their actions will find justification in anything. I didn’t re-read, but I remember how much honey stressed that its not for everyone.
      Now I’m afraid to re-read and see those comments.

      Not sure that I’d recommend asking friends and family for sperm. Seems like something one should offer, not ask for. Idk though.

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      • katie

        katie February 21, 2013, 1:30 pm

        “People who need to justify their actions will find justification in anything” –so true. people suck.

        id have no problems asking. but, im a very open person. to me, having a kid somewhere in my life that i/my partner was genetically related to but not parenting wouldnt be a big deal, so asking for that same thing wouldnt be a big deal. id see it as a huge gift, like when a friend/sister is a surrogate for someone- but giving sperm is like 500% easier then that. lol

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        lets_be_honest February 21, 2013, 1:38 pm

        I agree, huge gift. I’d just worry that it would put people in a very uncomfortable situation, possibly leaving them feeling extremely guilty if they say no.
        Plus, just bc sperm is “easier” short term, its still a biological child out there. Some people might find that no easier in the long run.

        (just read those comments. the world’s a scary place)

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        honeybeenicki February 21, 2013, 6:02 pm

        I haven’t re-read it or looked at any newer comments, but maybe I will. When people ask me if they should stay with someone who is going to jail or prison, I invariably tell them “no” because I know how extremely hard it is and I hate to think of other people going through it. For me, it turned out ok (so far).

        We have thought about asking friends or his family, but there isn’t really anyone we’d want to ask. Plus, we prefer it to be a couple steps removed at least because I don’t want anyone to interfere with us parenting or accidentally letting it slip before we explain to him or her.

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      Addie Pray February 21, 2013, 1:31 pm

      Family?! Katie, I’d say you sniffed too much play-doh – maybe that’s why you hate it? Definitely do not ask, say, your brother for sperm.

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      • katie

        katie February 21, 2013, 1:32 pm

        no- HIS family.

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        Addie Pray February 21, 2013, 1:33 pm

        Yea, I got there – I just needed a little time. … 😉

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        Addie Pray February 21, 2013, 1:32 pm

        Oh, ok, you wrote *his* family. I sniffed and ate too much play-doh, and sharpies.

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      kerrycontrary February 21, 2013, 1:40 pm

      Yeh I would never ask friends/family for sperm. Say I donated eggs, and I had to go to family holidays and sit across the table from my niece who is actually my biological daughter and looks like me and probably inherited some personality traits. I think that egg/sperm donations are complicated subjects and they shouldn’t be taken lightly.

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  • avatar

    Addie Pray February 21, 2013, 1:25 pm

    I’ve been thinking about you and hoping you’re ok. It sounds like you’re not just ok but doing great! I’m very happy about that.

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  • avatar

    Nadine February 21, 2013, 1:27 pm

    You sound awesome and congrats to the both of you!

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    ktfran February 21, 2013, 1:33 pm

    I nearly cried when I read how happy you were to see him Honeybee. I love good stories. We need more of those in the world.

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  • FireStar

    FireStar February 21, 2013, 2:14 pm

    Great update – much happiness to you and your family going forward! Can’t he get the vasectomy reversed?

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      sarolabelle February 21, 2013, 2:35 pm

      That’s what I was thinking

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        MissDre February 21, 2013, 4:01 pm

        Probably not if his kids are that old. There’s a time window on these things. I think within 4 years or something, your chances of reversing it drop drastically.

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      honeybeenicki February 21, 2013, 6:04 pm

      Each year that passes after a vasectomy lowers the chance of a successful reversal (which is a VERY expensive procedure) and at this point (it’s been about 10 years+), it probably wouldn’t work. We’ve also looked into sperm extraction (since it’s still being produced but isn’t going anywhere) and that’s very painful and not usually successful, plus it raises the chance of birth defects by about 40%.

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  • Jess

    Jess February 21, 2013, 2:16 pm

    Congrats on all fronts!

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    rachel February 21, 2013, 2:26 pm

    I’m so happy things are going well!

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  • othy

    othy February 21, 2013, 3:03 pm

    I thought vasectomies had the possibility of being reversed. Slightly more invasive than the initial snip, but for way less than the cost of adoption.

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    • avatar

      honeybeenicki February 21, 2013, 6:05 pm

      Reversals are expensive and often unsuccessful if it’s been too long (and it has been over 10 years).

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    John Rohan February 21, 2013, 3:07 pm

    I’m just curious, what is a “no-contact or limited-contact sperm donor”?

    Seems simpler just to find someone to do it the old-fashioned way…
    On that note, vasectomies can be reversed. That might be easier than dealing with all the legal hassles of artificial insemination.

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      lets_be_honest February 21, 2013, 3:11 pm

      Well, she’s married so I assume she doesn’t want to have sex with someone else to get pregnant.

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      • theattack

        theattack February 21, 2013, 3:20 pm

        That’s true…. But if the cost is really THAT high, I think a lot of monogamous couples would choose to have sex with someone else just to avoid paying that cost. I’m guessing that the downside of that would be that the woman could probably pursue him for child support.

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      • katie

        katie February 21, 2013, 3:25 pm

        sperm is expensive! its so funny, its been turned into such a commodity, when its actually so readily available…

        if you know someone who will give you sperm, you can do it that way (if you just know them, like a friend, or if you find them, from like a sperm donor board online or something). sperm is viable outside the body for like an hour. you inject the sperm, and then have sex with your partner (im not sure if that is for practical or emotional reasons, but ive always heard it happen that way)

        and, also, you can just draw up a contract so that its impossible for the woman to sue the donor for child support. right-? i mean, that seems simple to me.

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        lets_be_honest February 21, 2013, 3:27 pm

        Wouldn’t be held up in court if that guy changed his mind. At least where I live.

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      • katie

        katie February 21, 2013, 3:29 pm

        then how do people use donated sperm where you live? surely that happens, right?

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        lets_be_honest February 21, 2013, 3:35 pm

        Sorry, wasn’t clear. Contracts between 2 people like that (regarding kids) rarely hold up in court. For example, I let my kid’s father off the hook for support, but the court tossed it and required payment. There are a million crazy stories and cases about this topic. Basically, there are no guarantees just because 2 adults agree on something.

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      • katie

        katie February 21, 2013, 3:38 pm

        oh ok, that makes sense.

        interesting. and i do feel like ive heard of crazy child support stories like that, like the woman finding the sperm donor and suing him and stuff.

        like you said, the world is a scary place. lol

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      • theattack

        theattack February 21, 2013, 3:28 pm

        I’m not certain about it, but I don’t think those contracts are valid in my state, because child support is about supporting the child, and it doesn’t have anything to do with what the adults want. I could be totally wrong about that though.

        Your way would be a much more practical way of doing things. I’m guessing you would go do that in a doctor’s office and not use an at-home turkey baster?

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      • katie

        katie February 21, 2013, 3:30 pm

        in the few stores i have read about, nope, you just use an injector thing, no doctor.. basically one step up from the turkey baster, i guess. lol

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        lets_be_honest February 21, 2013, 3:41 pm

        SEE! That LW a while back was telling the truth!!!

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        EB February 21, 2013, 3:38 pm

        I believe when the donor is friend , finances are an issue, and there aren’t any known fertility issues some couples do try the turkey baster/DIY artificial insemination method before shelling out the bucks for invitro.
        #notjustanurbanlegend

        http://www.babymed.com/home-artificial-insemination-get-pregnant-turkey-baster-method

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        BreezyAM February 21, 2013, 4:54 pm

        This has actually happened in Kansas. No way in hell would I donate sperm now outside an agency were I a male.

        http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2256600/Sperm-donor-ordered-pay-child-support-lesbian-couple-despite-giving-rights-child.html

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        honeybeenicki February 21, 2013, 6:11 pm

        You have to be very, very careful with known donors. If we decided to go that route, I have an attorney that will be helping with the contracts/legalities. Right now, it’s looking like we’re going to go through an agency and pay for it instead of trying to go the low-or-no cost way.

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        lets_be_honest February 22, 2013, 9:03 am

        I’m sorry you have to deal with all of that. I hate hearing about people who want children and have such a difficult time with it. Its just not fair when you think of all the people who didn’t want a baby and got pregnant accidentally. I’ll keep you in my thoughts.

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      MJ February 21, 2013, 3:16 pm

      Pretty sure it’s just what it sounds like. You give some sperm and then you have no or very little contact with the child, since the child’s father in every-way-but-biology would be Nicki’s husband. Perhaps you get a card every year with a photo and a brief update as your “limited contact.”

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        honeybeenicki February 21, 2013, 6:12 pm

        That’s about it. We were thinking that it is possible our child might some day want to meet their biological father/sperm donor. Some agencies offer that as an option, but not until the kid turns 18.

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    • katie

      katie February 21, 2013, 3:20 pm

      its the same as a no contact or limited contact adoption, or even a low contact or no contact egg donation.

      although- has anyone heard about this- there is a new set of standards (or something, i dont know the exact terminology) that has been adopted by the united nations of rights for children, and one of them is the right to their nationality/heritage. and, some people think, if the usa adopts these standards as well, the no contact egg donation/sperm donation/adoptions will go away, because every child will have a right to know their birth line. i thought it was interesting.

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        lets_be_honest February 21, 2013, 3:22 pm

        Have not heard of that. Interesting.

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      • katie

        katie February 21, 2013, 3:27 pm

        yea.. i guess there is debate about if the “laws” of the united nations are “laws” of the usa too, and stuff, so who knows if it would actually ever happen, but its interesting to think about. right now we live in a world where a man or woman can sell genetic material. if this happens, i think people wouldnt think about it as selling genetic material- i think they would think a lot more about the actual kid who exists after money changes hands, you know?

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        honeybeenicki February 21, 2013, 6:13 pm

        I know that all of the sperm banks we have looked at give a family and medical history of all donors. I wonder if that would count for fulfilling that right?

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      • theattack

        theattack February 21, 2013, 3:26 pm

        Oh geez, that sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. If that goes away, it will almost certainly limit the number of people who put their children up for adoption. And while there are a terrible amount of unadopted children out there, I can only see that increasing child abuse. Also, some parents don’t want to see their children at all. Will they be required to speak to them or something? I’m assuming not, because that would be insane. Adopting those standards does nothing to allow children to know their birth parents, because birth parents who don’t want to see the kids still won’t see the kids, ya know?

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      • katie

        katie February 21, 2013, 3:28 pm

        why do you think it would limit the number of people who put their kids up for adoption? and increasing child abuse?

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      • theattack

        theattack February 21, 2013, 3:30 pm

        If there aren’t as many options for parents to put their children up for adoption, people might just keep their kids instead. And I think it goes without saying that people who keep unwanted children are more likely to abuse them. It would make more sense for abortion rates to increase, but I have a feeling that’s not what would happen here in the backwards conservative South at least.

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      • katie

        katie February 21, 2013, 3:33 pm

        oh ok. well, i would think that this means not that you cant give up your kids, just that you cant keep information about kids birth parents/donors a secret anymore. so, its not like kids could be able to go back to their birth parents/donors, they just have a right to know who they are…? at least that was how i understood it.

        i have no idea about the birth parents/donors who wouldnt want to see them. maybe that would just be the end- the kid would know who they are, which satisfies their right to know, and that would be it? just the knowledge?

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      • theattack

        theattack February 21, 2013, 3:39 pm

        That’s a good point. I could see some demographics data being provided to the child maybe. Names would be pushing it though. I mean, think about an almost entirely white town of like 16,000 people and having your parents identified as South Asians. It’s not that hard to figure it out, ya know? Which I guess isn’t a bad thing if you support this.

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        lets_be_honest February 21, 2013, 3:48 pm

        I agree names would be pushing it, but health history is important to have.

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        BreezyAM February 21, 2013, 4:58 pm

        I don’t get why people think names are pushing it. A human has a right to know where they come from. If it wasn’t such a BFD to give a child for adoption or be pregnant out of wedlock, no one would care if someone knew they were genetically related ya know? Think like, surrogates for example? No one cares there and that’s essentially an open adoption (I mean in the cases where it’s the surrogate’s actual egg, and not just a gestational surrogate.. although I personally would want to meet my fetus incubator if I were born of such an arrangement! 😀 But just for a beer or something not like to be a Big Freakin’ Deal).

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      • theattack

        theattack February 21, 2013, 5:06 pm

        Well the thing about it is that you have no idea what the child is going to think about it (are they angry and violent, or are they curious?), and you have no idea who the parents are or what their deal is. I think bio parents should be able to have the option of cutting off all ties, because if someone wants to do that, there’s probably a good reason for it. I think it’s about parental rights here, not the rights of the child. It would be nice to be able to meet your bio parents, yes, and if it’s all a relatively easy situation, that’s probably fine. But the thing about adoptions is that it’s hardly ever easy on the parents, and there’s frequently something tragic going on. To me, the desire to meet your biological parents doesn’t always outweigh what the parents have gone through. Making a law about something like this really overlooks a lot of common situations surrounding adoptions.

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        lets_be_honest February 21, 2013, 3:31 pm

        If I put a kid up for adoption not wanting them to find me…

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        lets_be_honest February 21, 2013, 3:29 pm

        Yea, I have to think cons outweigh the pros. Plus, I just don’t see knowing your heritage is a right.

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      • katie

        katie February 21, 2013, 3:46 pm

        well, its a huge problem in like.. africa. where entire tribes are eradicated, and there is a lot of racially/tribal voilence.. and i guess in a lot of that, any remaining people’s heritage is just changed. it would be like you having to forcibly move to china after the chinese killed your whole family and them saying your chinese now, and doing/speak anything from your american culture would be punishable.

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      • theattack

        theattack February 21, 2013, 3:48 pm

        Oh wow! That really puts a different perspective on this conversation.

        Are we the only three on DW this afternoon or something? Where did everyone go?!

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      • katie

        katie February 21, 2013, 3:54 pm

        yea, its really interesting to me how something that for one group/area of the world/ect would be so great can have such a completely different, and maybe even bad effect on people in another group/area of the world. it fascinates me.

        i have no idea. they are missing all the fun though!! lol

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        lets_be_honest February 21, 2013, 3:59 pm

        Do you think knowing your family history/heritage is a right?

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      • katie

        katie February 21, 2013, 4:05 pm

        you know, i have no idea. in the context of the awful wars in other countries, yes. you cant strip someone of their birthright and heritage. thats terrible. but then in the context of donation/adoption here in the us, i think its almost a different issue..? i dunno.

        if i was adopted, i would want to know. but im a curious person, and i think bloodlines and heritage and stuff like that is interesting.

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        lets_be_honest February 21, 2013, 4:09 pm

        I’ll be honest, I’d be curious too, but when I think about my daughter (or any kid really) who was raised by one parent (or adoptive parents) who want to find their other parent or birth parents, it makes me angry/sad. I realize its selfish, but I can’t help it. I’m scared to death of when mine wants to find him or meet him or even know things about him. I’m working on it though and think I’m somewhat prepared. Just wish I could be a bad person and say why the hell do you care about someone who didn’t want to be your parent.

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      • katie

        katie February 21, 2013, 4:27 pm

        well, i think that maybe its not so much that they care about the absent/birth parent/s, but that they care about themselves, and that person/s aided in making them, you know? they care about what is inside of them, whether that is genetics or family heritage or whatever… and if you are missing, for lack of a better word, most or all of the information of what you are made up of, i can understand the curiosity to want to know that. also, i dont think that has anything to do with a parent, either. you can have a parent and still wonder about that stuff- i do. you know this- both of my parents families wont speak to each other/are dead. i know very little about my own family, barring what kind of euro-mutt i am, and im curious about it. and i have a mom and a dad. you know?

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        lets_be_honest February 21, 2013, 4:31 pm

        Yea, you’re right. I know its not all about me, and likely has nothing to do with me. I’m sure I’d be super curious too. The idea of a child (of any age) wanting to start a relationship with a parent who left them, regardless of why, is upsetting to me. I understand it, actually, I did it myself, but still the idea of mine wanting to do that makes my heart ache.

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        BreezyAM February 21, 2013, 5:13 pm

        My husband has had tons of drama with this. His mom (who adopted him) said that she decided when she adopted that if she could not deal that one day he may want to find his bio-parents, she should not adopt. So she thought long and hard and decided she was fine with that and then adopted (with his dad).

        FF 25 years…

        he decides to check ya know, curiousity and all. He had a WONDERFUL life. Raised like ANY birth mom would DREAM their baby was raised. Middle class totally normal parents who were there and present for him and were involved and loved him and spoiled him rotten (in a good way) and absolutely adored him. He wanted for nothing. Not love nor money did he need.

        On literally the exact same day he told the agency “hey yo fwd my contact info to my birth mom, I’m down with that” he came home and found a “hey yo, fwd my contact info to my birth son, I’m down with that” letter from the agency in his mailbox. Serendipty much?

        They met, and it was awkward and strange and wonderful and all mixed and fun. She had all kinds of weird emotions about “how should I feel about this boy I did not raise, and how do I feel about my sons I did raise?” (she went on to have two more sons, and a loss of twin boys to spina bifida 🙁 She was coerced into the adoption by her asshole father who, when he met husband, was unable to do anything but sob and say he was sorry. Husband awkwardly hugged him and said hey it’s cool I had a great life. I had to explain later dude he wasn’t apologizing to you, it was to his daughter).

        Through her Husband tracked down Biodad. Biodad had none of this drama because in 1977 no one gave a shit what 18 yr old guys (um or guys in general) had to say about their kids being given up. he fought and desperately wanted to raise husband but well, there was no mechanism for this legally back then. So he had no worries. He was so traumatized by losing husband he never had another child. And outside of his sister and parents, no one ever knew of his only son.

        Husband had burning desire to meet biodad. Just to see eyes like his and say hi. So on New Year’s day 4 years ago he left a carefully prepared note and some photos basically saying “dude, this is me, I’ll never contact you again but I’d love to meet you. If you’re down, call me and if not, I’ll never darken your door again.”

        at 7am the next morning the phone rang. After having his son “stolen” from him (in his view) Biodad was unwilling to extend one damn finger until he knew his son wanted to meet him. And so they met.

        It’s years later now and we’ve dealt with ups and downs of how close should we or should we not be (Husband’s mom is NOT HAPPY about the closeness. When she was down with meeting she meant MEET not like, ya know, be BFFs. So we work hard to not make her insecure and reassure her). But we all love each other and are gentle with one another and our lives are so much richer for knowing one another. Now maybe they could have been drug addicted child abusing dirtbags. But then we’d be adults and have the right to interact or not, ya know? It’s a choice. Just like how we choose to interact or not with any other human on the planet.

        I am so glad there was a mechanism in place for my husband and his bio parents to find one another. I am sad his mom has ~issues~ about it where there need not be any (my husband knows who “mama” is!… why doesn’t SHE?) I am glad we all have full knowledge. It’s a right. It really is.

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        lets_be_honest February 22, 2013, 9:04 am

        Breezy, that was so interesting to read. This line…my husband knows who “mama” is!… why doesn’t SHE?…awesome!

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        lets_be_honest February 21, 2013, 3:56 pm

        lol.

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        lets_be_honest February 21, 2013, 4:00 pm

        Also, what about the law that allows you to drop your baby off at a hospital or church’s doorstep? That would be gone if this passed, which would be awful.

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      • katie

        katie February 21, 2013, 4:03 pm

        oh good point! wow i wonder what they would do with that!

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      • theattack

        theattack February 21, 2013, 4:12 pm

        Either it would be gone, or it would be the only exception to the rule, which would just mean that people would be doing that all the time instead of going through legitimate adoption processes, which would also be a problem most likely.

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      honeybeenicki February 21, 2013, 6:07 pm

      By no-contact or limited-contact, I meant with the child not me 🙂 There will be no Nicki-contact at all! But some sperm banks offer limited-contact donors where the child can meet the donor after they turn 18 if they choose to do so.

      We looked into a reversal and 3 different urologists nixed the idea because of how long it’s been. The cost of the reversal vs the likelihood of it being successful just don’t add up.

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  • bittergaymark

    bittergaymark February 21, 2013, 6:50 pm

    Happy it seems to have worked out.

    But I have to speak up here. Between the two of you, there are already AT LEAST four children. The world is insanely overpopulated… Just be happy with what you have already.

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      Addie Pray February 21, 2013, 9:59 pm

      I’m just wondering what goes through your head when you feel the need to comment on someone else’s decision to have or not have children? Like, is it a “2 per each couple” test you use? A money thing? Or do you just get a sense about the situation and decide you should let them know your thoughts? … It just seems insanely…. personal, no?

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      • bittergaymark

        Bittergaymark February 22, 2013, 12:03 am

        It is personal. But it affects every one. The world population had doubled in my lifetime. Going from 3.5 to 7 billion since 1970. Moreover, it is expect to double again in the next 40 years… to 14 Billion people…

        That’s REALLY fucked up. Beyond that — it is insane. The planet can’t sustain it. Besides, it id also incredibly narcissistic the way so many feel the need to have additional children with each and every marriage….

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  • honeybeenicki

    honeybeenicki February 21, 2013, 8:10 pm

    We only have two. He has two with his ex-wife and they are it (I don’t have any as far as I know). So you don’t want to be our donor BGM? 😉

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    • bittergaymark

      bittergaymark February 21, 2013, 8:26 pm

      Oh, whoops. I totally misread your update. I read it as that your own kids are with you full time again now that he is home once, and that his other kids now come again for visits…

      Trust me, you don’t want my DNA.

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        honeybeenicki February 22, 2013, 8:38 am

        I was starting to wonder if I had extra kids I didn’t know about! Happens to men all the time, so I guess it could happen to me. 🙂

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    Anna February 22, 2013, 4:16 am

    I’m so glad it worked out for you!! This is the best update I’ve read in awhile. Good luck with the goal of having kids!

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    milli February 22, 2013, 6:15 am

    Just my two cents, but isn’t it too soon to have children? It has only been 4 months since he is back home and maybe you should try to get to know each other again before you make this huge step.

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    Doodles February 22, 2013, 9:14 am

    Thank you for the update. It sounds like you guys have a strong foundation for your marriage, and I applaud you for sticking by your husbands side. Sperm donors can be expensive, but they also go through a screening process ( I think, I am not 100% sure) so that may be the reason it is so much money. But your husband can also look into having is vasectomy reversed. The procedure is reversable unless there is other underlying medical reasons. Just be careful with sperm donors when you are not going through an agency. Make sure you have all medical background info, family medical history etc etc. And be sure to have an iron clad contract drawn up by a lawyer who specializes in this, because you do not want problems later on when the child is growing up, and this person all of a sudden wants rights to said child etc. But over all I wish the two of you best of luck and many many years of happiness! 🙂

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      Doodles February 22, 2013, 10:26 am

      Sorry, I did not read the comments when I posted, so now I know you already looked into a reversal, lol, but still, best of luck to you both.

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    Rangerchic February 22, 2013, 2:59 pm

    I was glad to read your update and happy that everything is going well! You seem like such a strong, good person I hope you are able to have children as I think you’ll be a great mother!

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