Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Updates: “Newly Single” Responds

It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today, we hear from “Newly Single” who wondered how long she should wait before trying to establish a friendship with the guy she just broke up with after 17 months together. Keep reading to see where they stand now.

Thanks so much for posting my question a few months ago and thank you to all of the readers who gave me helpful feedback. I agree that I needed to wait until “the thought of talking to him gives you a generally warm feeling rather than a lump in your throat or butterflies in your stomach or a small ache in your heart,” but I have to admit that within an hour of sending you my question, my impulses got the best of me and I just called him, one week after our break up. We talked for over an hour and were both very emotional, and we addressed some issues which, while giving me some closure that I needed, very much made me feel like the dumped one.

Because of that, I told him that I wouldn’t be calling him again and that he could reach out to me when he was ready to be friends. It took me several weeks to stop tearing up every time I thought about him and how much I missed having him in my life, even though I knew that our breakup was for the best. I went on a few dates with some other guys as a distraction, which definitely helped.

Almost exactly 3 months after our breakup, I got an e-mail from him wishing me well and asking to meet up for coffee. A few days later we met up and caught up for 3 hours. It was hard to see him again in such a different context, but it was very helpful in letting me see how far I had come. We even shared a little bit about our recent dates (none of which had gone anywhere for either of us) and were able to be honest with each other. I wasn’t craving being back in a relationship with him, but it felt weird to say goodbye and not go home together.

At this point, we Gchat or text from time to time when something reminds us of each other, but that’s about it. I know I can rely on him if I ever really need him, so I like where we’re at. I still miss him from time to time, especially when things with other guys aren’t working out, but I know that this is a process and I won’t be totally over him until I find someone new that I can really fall for. All in all, I feel fortunate that I had the experience of this relationship (as it was my first real one) and that it was with such a solid guy, but I am ready to find someone who is a better fit for me. Thanks again, Wendy and readers, for all of your advice.

 
Thanks for the update, and I’m glad you guys are in a good place. I disagree with your idea that you won’t be totally over your ex until you find someone new. You may surprise yourself and find that a little more time and a full life, even without the company of a new boyfriend, is all you need to totally heal your heart.

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If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at wendy@dearwendy.com with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.

You can follow me on Facebook here and sign up for my weekly newsletter here.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

4 comments… add one
  • katie

    katie November 12, 2012, 2:14 pm

    i agree with wendy regarding your theory of needing another man… and in general, remember that others cannot bring you those types of things- closure, happiness, contentment, ect. they come from within. also, dont look for a new man so you can “get over” your first love, because that wont work, and its not very kind to the new guy…

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    kerrycontrary November 12, 2012, 3:20 pm

    WWS- finding a new man will not make you get over an ex. You will be over him and when you are over him. This is why I don’t talk to people after we break up anymore, it makes that process much quicker. Trying to replace a first love with a new love often ends up hurting yourself and someone else more than necessary.

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    Lindsay November 12, 2012, 4:09 pm

    Glad that it’s working out for you. I agree with everyone else that finding someone new isn’t the key to getting over someone. I kind of see what you mean because when you meet someone else, you usually end up caring about your exes even less. But if you’re still not over someone, getting involved with someone new isn’t going to magically fix everything. By the time I’ve gotten involved with someone new, I’ve always been well over my previous boyfriend, something that happened just based on time and making sure that I wasn’t fixating the guy.

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    6napkinburger November 12, 2012, 5:05 pm

    FYI — the troubles with IE means that there is no accessible link to amazon on the homepage anymore.

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