Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Updates: “No Visiting Hours” Responds

It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today we hear from “No Visiting Hours,” the woman who wasn’t allowed to visit her boyfriend after he was diagnosed with cancer and moved in with his mother an hour away. Keep reading to see how things are going now, several months later.

I read many of the comments on that post and was blown away by some of the responses. My boyfriend and I were and still are very serious; ring on my finger or not, we are. The first few months of his chemo treatments were terrifying and hard as we adjusted to a new routine. His mother and I agreed to disagree. By his third round, he was feeling good enough on his detox weeks to be able to come stay the weekend with me, and this has been our schedule since. I adore his mother and all she has done for him, but she still refuses to allow me in their home even with planning and she disagrees with his visiting me. No matter her opinion on me, it has no effect on the love I feel for him. And it never will. If it means I get to have him by my side for the rest of my life, then I’ll deal with it. The good news is that radiation is over and successful, and in three months he will undergo his last chemo treatment. After that he will be living with me, and hopefully the rest after that will be good news as well.

 
That’s wonderful news on a positive prognosis! Please keep us posted after he finishes treatment. I wish both him and you all the best.

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If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at wendy@dearwendy.com with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.

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9 comments… add one
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    CeeSea May 11, 2015, 3:17 pm

    “I adore his mother and all she has done for him, but she still refuses to allow me in their home even with planning and she disagrees with his visiting me.”

    Well I’m glad that as soon as you BF had enough strength to stand up for himself he was able to make it to your place every weekend and that your relationship and his health has continued to progress. It’s too bad that his mother has selfishly chosen to exercise her control and cut you from his life in those early months and continues to bar you from her home. Maybe she believes that he should be focusing on his health and not his love life? However, that is his decision to make. And, god forbid, if things had not gone so well with his treatment, he could have missed out on some precious moments with someone he clearly loves.

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    Ange May 11, 2015, 6:25 pm

    Wow I guess all those commenters calling the mother a Grade A Bitch were on the money lol. All she probably managed to achieve in her neurotic Mama Bearing was potentially pushing away her very sick son, I hope she reflects on that when the dust has settled. You’ll have a hard row to hoe if this woman ends up being your official MIL mate, I hope you’re ready.

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      Sunshine Brite May 11, 2015, 6:45 pm

      I still disagree with the mother being awful. At the time she wrote in, it’d been a week. Now it’s been some months, but still she doesn’t mention whether she was allowed to go to the chemo after she started agreeing to plan visits at the hospital. Why should she have to allow the LW into her home? We always encourage people to set boundaries during times of stress and with people you find taxing. That’s the mother’s boundary.
      .
      She’s clearly still feeling the need to assert her relationship and maybe her mother didn’t feel like she wanted to deal with that. Especially since it continued to be a disagreement. I dunno, I just get the feeling that the LW’s happy she’s ‘winning’ in a sense. I’m glad that he has a much better prognosis.

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        Ange May 11, 2015, 8:40 pm

        I dunno, I just think refusing entry to someone your son loves into your home when they have expressed a desire to see them is horrible. Trying to prevent your son from seeing his girlfriend in his own time is also horrible. Commenters were annoyed at the LW for apparently making her BF’s illness all about her but to me it sounds more like the mother is doing that. They’re through the wilderness, now it’s time for mum think about how her actions might affect her relationship with her son in the future. It’s very short sighted to alienate your kid’s girlfriend.

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        Sunshine Brite May 12, 2015, 6:45 am

        The relationship with his mother is going to have the opportunity to change and draw new boundaries again in the coming months after he becomes well enough to live elsewhere. If he’s not, I hope the LW waits to have him move in because caregiving changes a relationship in ways that are unpredictable even in the strongest of relationships. I think that’s being downplayed with what’s going on between his mom and the LW. Who knows, her house is probably not up to her usual standards and she values her privacy when she’s able to or the LW just plain stresses her out or she feels judged under her own roof. I doubt a mother would feel through the wilderness if there’s still upcoming chemo treatment.

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  • bittergaymark

    bittergaymark May 11, 2015, 7:01 pm

    Yay. After just moments ago surviving a impossibly BLEAK (but surprisingly wonderful) episode of my favorite shows ever — how wonderful to hear of somebody actually beating cancer. In my own life? Nobody has. Quite the contrary. But if his scans are good in a few months, his scans are good.

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    • Dear Wendy

      Dear Wendy May 11, 2015, 8:17 pm

      I just watched Mad Men, too, BGM. I am so sad it’s ending next week. I’m not ready!

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    • Skyblossom

      Skyblossom May 11, 2015, 8:49 pm

      My husband survived cancer 13 years ago. He still goes to the oncologist once a year. They now watch for leukemia because he has an increased risk for it due to the radiation therapy.

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        Sunshine Brite May 12, 2015, 6:38 am

        Yes, my friend still goes in for regular scans to make sure it’s gone. I know some people who’ve unfortunately had the cancer re-occur or occur again in a different place, etc. It’s going to be something the LW’s boyfriend needs to follow up on his entire life and I don’t think it’s ever fully considered over medically.

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