It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today, we hear from “Not Enjoying The Silence” who was disappointed that her boyfriend of a year was uncomfortable discussing sex. “In the beginning I would tell him what felt good or what I’d like to try,’ she writes, “only to be met with uncomfortable silence. It’s not that he’s not open to those things (he definitely takes note of my requests), but the silence makes me feel dumb for talking about it.” Keep reading to see if things are still silent.
First of all, I felt like I got tons of great feedback from this, and I wanted to thank your readers. The biggest point most people tried to drive home was that his silence or discomfort was not necessarily HIS issue, and that I needed to stop thinking about it that way. So, I’ve been trying to!
I explained to him how I was feeling and, as many readers assumed, he had no idea that my feelings were actually being hurt. We’ve learned that the easiest way for me to get my point across without him getting overly uncomfortable is to show him by gently relocating his hands rather than just talking about it. I have also tried telling him “stories” as some people suggested (this works best when the lights are off as he seems to feel less awkward that way).
I am pleased to report that our experiments in communication have been quite a success.
It will still take time for me to get comfortable with being less verbal, and for him to be more comfortable with my openness, but we’re working on it.
Glad to hear things are looking up!
If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.
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