It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today, we hear from “Not Into Helping My Friends Shower” who was creeped out by her male friend in a wheel chair always asking for help with things like showering and going to the bathroom. She updated once before and now has another long update. The saga, as they say, continues…
His behavior has been addressed repeatedly. I found out I’m not the first person to call him out but I am the first to be this blunt about his creeper tendencies. All he does is justify, argue, defend, and explain. I cut off all contact with him, but it just grosses me out and makes me nauseated to hear of him engaging in creepy predatory behavior toward other women. Nothing he does is illegal, but it’s stuff a guy who wasn’t disabled would have gotten his ass kicked over by now.
He says I’m mean and abusive because I blew up at him after he messaged me 17 times in one weekend when I was very busy with my family and house, then followed with three calls in 90 minutes while I was at work only to demand of a mutual work friend “Why isn’t she using FB on her phone?!” So, I blew up and asked him “What the fuck is wrong with you?! Message me ONCE and I will call you back when I have TIME!” And I told him to “get some goddamned social skills! That’s not fucking normal to harass people like that; it’s stalkery!”
The reason he was calling was because he asked me to approach a mutual friend to see if she would be interested in taking his virginity. I already knew the answer was no, because she’d explained to me before how she felt very uncomfortable about him always making sexual advances on her. But I told her because I felt we needed to find a way to get him over his obsession with her. And so she decided to be polite and direct with him and explain that he’s made so many advances on her it makes her very uncomfortable to be alone with him and that’s why she wasn’t willing to come over to his place without other friends, and that she felt he over-sexualized her and felt like he was trying to guilt and pressure her into pity-fucking him and it was upsetting.
What upset me more is I found out he’d tried through several other people previously this same tactic with her, so why was he setting me up like that? He did not need to put me in the awkward position of explaining to him why she would not be having sex with him. I was really upset by that. I can’t even put my finger on why, but it really burned me up. So after she told him this, I didn’t really want to talk to him so I was waiting to decide how I’d deal with him before talking to him and he wanted to know what the hell I told her because he never said he wanted to have sex with her and I was making things up and, yeah, pretty much totally backpedal gaslighting.
Basically, he’s extremely sexually frustrated and very angry about the fact he isn’t having sex and that no one wants to fuck him. I tried, as did others, to gently explain that no one is entitled to a relationship and that the big reason he wasn’t finding a relationship is because what he wants is basically a full time aide who will also have sex with him, and those two roles are not going to necessarily be filled by the same person. But he really has this super entrenched belief that caregiving tasks = love. And he thinks that people who are unwilling to do those tasks clearly don’t love him (be it friendship-wise or otherwise).
I find it really triggery having had experiences with creeper abusers in the past. I’m glad I can trust my instincts, but I hate this feeling that there’s really nothing I can do about this jerk behaving this way and being so predatory toward many women I like and respect. The women are really uncomfortable, and he just doesn’t give a shit. And there’s not a damn thing I can do about it. Yeah, we can stop hanging out with him… but then he just moves on and finds more women to manipulate. That’s a shitty feeling.
MOA and trust that other grown women who in his path, present or future, will also come to the same conclusions you have and will likewise MOA if they find his behavior or attention or advances unwelcome and/or creepy. It’s not like a guy in a wheelchair who can’t go to the bathroom by himself poses much of a physical threat, and if the biggest psychological threat is some awkwardness or emotional discomfort, well, there are worst things. Like not being able to go to the bathroom by yourself.
If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at email@example.com.