Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Updates: “Not Into Helping My Friends Shower” Responds (Again)

It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today, we hear from “Not Into Helping My Friends Shower” who was creeped out by her male friend in a wheel chair always asking for help with things like showering and going to the bathroom. She updated once before and now has another long update. The saga, as they say, continues…

I’m really sad to have to write this update to the Saga of Joe. At first, after talking with him, I thought some progress had been made and it was simply some social coaching he needed help with but I was oh so very wrong. It was discovered (through a lof of circumstantial evidence, and an eventual confrontation where he admitted it) that he was orchestrating a lot of his caregiving needs in order to receive contact from women. At first, most of the girls in our social group didn’t want to believe it but the guys totally called it and started helping him change clothing after spills or feeding him, and this frustrated Joe to the point he actually blew up and got angry and said he only wanted help from women. He said this was because most of his aides are women, and one of the guys just flat out said “No dude, it’s because you’re heterosexual.”

His behavior has been addressed repeatedly. I found out I’m not the first person to call him out but I am the first to be this blunt about his creeper tendencies. All he does is justify, argue, defend, and explain. I cut off all contact with him, but it just grosses me out and makes me nauseated to hear of him engaging in creepy predatory behavior toward other women. Nothing he does is illegal, but it’s stuff a guy who wasn’t disabled would have gotten his ass kicked over by now.

He says I’m mean and abusive because I blew up at him after he messaged me 17 times in one weekend when I was very busy with my family and house, then followed with three calls in 90 minutes while I was at work only to demand of a mutual work friend “Why isn’t she using FB on her phone?!” So, I blew up and asked him “What the fuck is wrong with you?! Message me ONCE and I will call you back when I have TIME!” And I told him to “get some goddamned social skills! That’s not fucking normal to harass people like that; it’s stalkery!”

The reason he was calling was because he asked me to approach a mutual friend to see if she would be interested in taking his virginity. I already knew the answer was no, because she’d explained to me before how she felt very uncomfortable about him always making sexual advances on her. But I told her because I felt we needed to find a way to get him over his obsession with her. And so she decided to be polite and direct with him and explain that he’s made so many advances on her it makes her very uncomfortable to be alone with him and that’s why she wasn’t willing to come over to his place without other friends, and that she felt he over-sexualized her and felt like he was trying to guilt and pressure her into pity-fucking him and it was upsetting.

What upset me more is I found out he’d tried through several other people previously this same tactic with her, so why was he setting me up like that? He did not need to put me in the awkward position of explaining to him why she would not be having sex with him. I was really upset by that. I can’t even put my finger on why, but it really burned me up. So after she told him this, I didn’t really want to talk to him so I was waiting to decide how I’d deal with him before talking to him and he wanted to know what the hell I told her because he never said he wanted to have sex with her and I was making things up and, yeah, pretty much totally backpedal gaslighting.

Basically, he’s extremely sexually frustrated and very angry about the fact he isn’t having sex and that no one wants to fuck him. I tried, as did others, to gently explain that no one is entitled to a relationship and that the big reason he wasn’t finding a relationship is because what he wants is basically a full time aide who will also have sex with him, and those two roles are not going to necessarily be filled by the same person. But he really has this super entrenched belief that caregiving tasks = love. And he thinks that people who are unwilling to do those tasks clearly don’t love him (be it friendship-wise or otherwise).

I find it really triggery having had experiences with creeper abusers in the past. I’m glad I can trust my instincts, but I hate this feeling that there’s really nothing I can do about this jerk behaving this way and being so predatory toward many women I like and respect. The women are really uncomfortable, and he just doesn’t give a shit. And there’s not a damn thing I can do about it. Yeah, we can stop hanging out with him… but then he just moves on and finds more women to manipulate. That’s a shitty feeling.

MOA and trust that other grown women who in his path, present or future, will also come to the same conclusions you have and will likewise MOA if they find his behavior or attention or advances unwelcome and/or creepy. It’s not like a guy in a wheelchair who can’t go to the bathroom by himself poses much of a physical threat, and if the biggest psychological threat is some awkwardness or emotional discomfort, well, there are worst things. Like not being able to go to the bathroom by yourself.

***************

If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at wendy@dearwendy.com with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.

You can follow me on Facebook here and sign up for my weekly newsletter here.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

31 comments… add one
  • avatar

    bethany October 10, 2013, 1:54 pm

    Well, that was exhausting.

    Are you finally going to quit hanging out with this guy? Jesus.

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      kerrycontrary October 10, 2013, 2:10 pm

      Yeh, I get kind of annoyed when someone repeatedly hangs out with someone that makes them uncomfortable. Like even if it’s something as simple as “we have a mutual group of friends and it would be awkward.” No, life is short, stop hanging out with people you don’t like/creep you out/are dramatic/etc…

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      • avatar

        bethany October 10, 2013, 2:16 pm

        Right? I barely have enough time to hang out with the people I actually like, let alone people I can’t stand!

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson October 10, 2013, 2:24 pm

        I completely agree. Colin hasn’t learned this lesson yet and it’s really weird to me. Like one of his larger friend groups includes this one girl that is the hugest debbie-downer/gossiper and I just don’t get it. Like did you guys not learn how to kick people out of your friend group because no one likes said person in like college? If someone sucks all the time just quit hanging out with them. They are not your charity case.

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      • avatar

        kerrycontrary October 10, 2013, 2:55 pm

        Yeh I’m pretty ruthless when it comes to cutting people out (and this is a family trait). Like you suck? Goodbye!

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  • dabbler

    dabbler October 10, 2013, 1:58 pm

    Honestly, this whole thing is tiring just to read. I don’t understand why LW is still putting herself in this situation, or all the other “friends” that are so creeped out by this guy’s behavior. Just stop going over to his house…? And be polite, if chilly, when you see him in public. This doesn’t need to be an ongoing saga. Really. What are you all getting out of this? You’re really not doing him any favors. Maybe if he keeps losing everyone in his life, he’ll realize that he’s the common denominator here, and see that he needs to change his behavior.

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    • avatar

      lets_be_honest October 10, 2013, 2:16 pm

      But, but DRAMZZZZ

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      • dabbler

        dabbler October 10, 2013, 2:22 pm

        Ha. Pretty much!

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  • dabbler

    dabbler October 10, 2013, 2:05 pm

    Also, just because dude’s in a wheelchair doesn’t mean he needs you to “socially coach” him, or have a string of friends who secretly hate him but stick around out of some sense of obligation. If he wasn’t in a wheelchair, this would be a no-brainer. Stop giving him free passes out of some misguided sense of political correctness, or whatever this is.
    There are pelenty of people in wheelchairs and otherwise that have full lives, good friends, lovers and spouses, and no problems with the boundaries between friendship and caretaker. Guy’s a creep, wheelchair or no. Treat him as such.

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    • avatar

      Doodles October 10, 2013, 4:32 pm

      Thank you for stating this. I know people in wheelchairs and the one thing they all have in common is the fact that they HATE IT when people treat them differently or special then the way they would treat people who are not in wheelchairs. And they hate feeling like they have peoples pity. Just treat the guy like you would anyone else. If you wouldn’t put up with it by someone who wasn’t handicapped, then don’t put up with it just because someone is handicapped.

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  • Fabelle

    Fabelle October 10, 2013, 2:28 pm

    Jesus Christ, WHY ARE YOU STILL HANGING OUT WITH HIM. Either you (& all your mutual friends who still hang out with him) take pity on the guy, & want to help him at least somewhat— at least in the keeping-him-company sort of way— or you think he’s a manipulative creeper, and move the fuck on. Hell, maybe you all KNOW he’s a manipulative creeper, but no one cares. I feel like it’s truly the latter, because why else would you all keep hanging out with him? THE DRAMZ (to use LBH’s words)? I think it’s that. Like, I really think it’s that.

    As a side note, can’t he go on Craiglist or something? There has to be SOMEbody with a caregiving fetish that will fuck him, & also take care of his basic needs. I’m being serious. (Did I say this last time? I just got deja vu with myself) Even if he has no luck finding a woman that would fulfill both of those needs… um, prostitutes? Prostitutes actually get a lot of disabled clients. He should seriously just go that route. Maybe once he gets laid, he’ll chill out with the women in his friend group.

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    • avatar

      lets_be_honest October 10, 2013, 2:30 pm

      Ha, I wondered the same thing re: craigslist.

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    • Fabelle

      Fabelle October 10, 2013, 2:32 pm

      And look, okay (because I just read the kicking-someone-out-of-your-friend-group exchange above) I DO understand what it’s like to have a group of friends where everyone secretly hates each other, just a little bit. And you all like it that way. It’s kind of like being in a fucked up family. You’ll complain & gossip about each other, but emotionally, you’re not that invested in anyone’s problems? So, if that’s what this is, I get it, & thank you for your updates because they are admittedly entertaining as fuck.

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    • GatorGirl

      GatorGirl October 10, 2013, 2:33 pm

      Yeah, my gut reaction to all the creeper sex stuff was why doesn’t he hire someone?

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle October 10, 2013, 2:39 pm

        He seriously should— I mean, if he’s asking LW to ask their friend if she’ll take his virginity, he obviously has no shame? (Not that there’s anything inherently shameful about hiring a prostitute, but some people do feel too ashamed to go that route. So, basically, if somebody in this friend group explains sex workers to this guy, & he’s all, “Oh no, I’d never do that”, the response should definitely be, “But you’d ask Suzy, unprompted, if she’ll take your virginity? OOOKAY”)

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      • GatorGirl

        GatorGirl October 10, 2013, 2:52 pm

        Yeah, totally agree. I think there is nothing inherently shameful in prostitution (I actually wish it was just legal and regulated). He seems like he is on his last resort, so to speak, so just pay someone. I’m sure there are lots of women who would be willing and would show him a great time.

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle October 10, 2013, 2:40 pm

        Also, GG, did you change your flamingo? It looks classier somehow, & I can’t figure out if you changed it, or if the website changes did something to make it look different on the screen.

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      • GatorGirl

        GatorGirl October 10, 2013, 2:51 pm

        I changed my DW e-mail from the maiden name to married name one and somehow lost my old flamingo in the process. Another reason to never change your e-mail. (I’m still not used to the new last name either…people call the name and I’m like who? What?)

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    • avatar

      MsMisery October 11, 2013, 1:02 pm

      I thought the same thing… surely he can hire someone??? I mean, people still buy wives and arrange weddings (in a non-cultural sense), so why not this?

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  • avatar

    Lucy October 10, 2013, 2:49 pm

    Would somebody just hire this guy a hooker already?

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    • avatar

      kerrycontrary October 10, 2013, 2:56 pm

      No seriously, I wanted to suggest that. I saw an episode of some sex/taboo show about a disabled man whose father takes him to amsterdam to sleep with prostitutes. and it made the guy so much less lonely and a lot happier. and I was like “good for him”.

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  • avatar

    Rosie October 10, 2013, 2:53 pm

    Has anyone seen The Sessions (Helen Hunt, John Hawkes)? Sounds like this guy needs a sex surrogate and NOW. (side note: it was an excellent movie).

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    • katie

      katie October 10, 2013, 4:59 pm

      i read the book about the lady that The Sessions is based off of. i found it randomly at the library and the title was cool, so grabbed it. its soooo good.

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson October 10, 2013, 5:17 pm

        We need to start book club again

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  • avatar

    Sue Jones October 10, 2013, 3:25 pm

    This guy needs to pay for a legitimate, professional sex worker. Seriously. That is what they do. Dan Savage would agree with me, I am sure.

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  • bittergaymark

    Bittergaymark October 10, 2013, 4:46 pm

    Dear LW. We get it — you are simply a much, much better human being than the cripple whom you all apparently hang out with just to hate. No further updates are necessary. PLEASE!!!

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    • avatar

      Guy Friday October 10, 2013, 5:53 pm

      Yeah, absolutely. This smacks of melodrama. The guy creeps you out, makes you uncomfortable, upsets you, and you hate being around him. You wrote that all in your LAST update. Why the hell are you still around to write this update? You’re not married to the guy. You have no kids with the guy. You don’t share a place, or work together, or are even forced to interact. You’re CHOOSING to keep him in your life. And, honestly, it seems pretty clear you’re either doing it so you can share bitchy comments with your friends or you’re trying to “save” him (though not really).

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  • Lindsay

    Lindsay October 10, 2013, 6:56 pm

    To be honest, LW, you seem weirdly obsessed with this guy. I’m not sure why else you’d still be talking to him when you obviously hate him so much.

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  • avatar

    iseeshiny October 11, 2013, 11:00 am

    Why are we piling on the LW? Dude is a predator and she’s worried about setting him loose on other women. Jeez, guys.

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    • avatar

      artsygirl October 11, 2013, 3:36 pm

      It isn’t that people are piling on her but pointing out that this is now her 3rd letter about this guy. Each of the letters addresses how creepy he is and how he makes her uncomfortable. The community was really supportive for the first and second but by the third you have to look at the pattern and ask why is she not removing herself from the situation. Like someone said above, she has no connection to this guy and there are no reasons for her to interact.

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      • avatar

        iseeshiny October 11, 2013, 4:58 pm

        Really? Because from what I’ve read he’s part of her group of friends and he regularly tries to use social pressure to get a woman to have sex with him. She’s reluctant to just let this go because, hello, he’s terrible, blows up her phone and most likely the phones of the other people he wants to manipulate, and we are yelling at her and accusing her of loving drama when in fact it sounds like she would very much like for this to stop.

        LW, I nth the motion to cut him out of your life as much as possible. That part everyone is right about. I realize that’s not always easy, when the person you are trying to avoid is a) part of your group of friends and b) highly likely to try and use your mutual friends to get you back in his sphere. Hold firm! And if he ever tries to get you to make other friends do things for him I hope you will tell him no.

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