It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today, we hear from “Older and Wiser?” whose younger lover knocked up another woman. Keep reading to see whether the LW left her husband and is going for breakup number 12 with the younger lover.
And you don’t know what we’ve been like for 11 months. The breakups were because he wanted all of me and couldn’t have it because I was still with my husband. Why couldn’t he wait a bit longer? I don’t even think I’d have made the move to leave my husband if it weren’t for what he did. It tipped my emotional scale to realize I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING FOR ME! He’s back on Saturday and I don’t know what to do! He promised me he wouldn’t sleep with her before the abortion, that he loves me and respects where we are now. I am finally separated and living on my own.
How can I forget what he did? Can I? Or do I dump his ass and say fuck you! You messed up. You lose me and her. You have nothing left? But I do love him. I’m 43 and this isn’t infatuation! Is it?? Help!
MOA means Move On Already.
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If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at wendy@dearwendy.com with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.
You can follow me on Facebook here and sign up for my weekly newsletter here.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.
{ 147 comments… read them below or add one }
Again. What. The. Fuck.
WWS and MOA. Learn how to live without a man and then maybe you can be in a happy and fulfilling relationship.
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yeah my only other reaction was WOW. I don’t even have advice for this person because I don’t think she actually read any of the comments on the last letter.
maybe she should take him back, who else is going to be crazy enough to stay with her?
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WWS means What Wendy Said.
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I don’t know, I think she should stay with the lover. After all, he DID promise not to have sex with the other woman before her abortion. Who wouldn’t want a man like that?
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WWS:
And for love of Jebus lay off the 50 shades, Twilight and similar literary crap. I haven´t read such dramatic language since I was 13, sneaking my mum´s romance novels.
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“MOA means Move On Already.”
LOVE your response Wendy! That cracked me up!
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I actually LOLed when I read that. Perfect. Deadpan. Response.
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I agree the attack and TaraMonster, I read it with such deadpan delivery in my head I almost spit out my pizza. There really is nothingmore Wendy could say to this woman. And, honestly, just because she’s 43 doesn’t mean it isn’t infatuation. I’ve only started growing up about relationships in the past 2 years (and in one for 5, no less) and I’m almost 40. At the beginning of this relationship I was (almost) as desperate as the LW…but I hope to God only slightly….
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Wow. You sound like a teenager, not a 43 year old. I’m 44 and I can tell you that your desperation is not normal. By now you should have learned that a relationship won’t fix what is wrong with you and make you whole. You need to feel good in your own skin, and know that you’re worth more than having a “lover” (you don’t even call him your bf, by the way) that knocks up some other chick. If you did have good self-esteem you would have MO’d Already.
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If you’re not sure if it’s love or infatuation, it’s most definitely not love. And seriously? You make it sound like he’s to blame for you leaving your husband. Take some responsibility for your own life and your own decisions.
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I was trying to think of some way to address that comment – blaming the bf for leaving the husband – but couldn’t put it into words.
The LW should have left the husband long before the boyfriend joined the picture. Probably should have never married him.
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What? Now the other woman is having an abortion? But earlier — wasn’t that vengeful slut was DESPERATE to get pregnant? Even plotting and scheming to say the child was that of her clueless NYC husband… Or am I thinking of another letter? Eh, who cares. Do what you will, LW. No matter what your decision is, it’s sure to be a real mess…
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Yeah, if I’m not mistaken this was the letter with the super-fertile lady who’d been dying to get pregnant. I am so damn confused right now.
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EXACTLY!! Okay, great. At least I know I am not THAT crazy and remembering thing completely incorrectly…
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That was my thought, too…. I thought this woman was desperate to have a baby? Why would she then abort it? You’d think she’d just keep the affair to herself and let her husband believe they’d had a “miracle baby”
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I think it’s the blame game again. The only reason Super-Fertile would come to have sex with the Younger Lover is to get pregnant and then refuse to abort to create drama. Yeesh.
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Maybe I’m just young and stupid, but I’m pretty sure infatuation can happen at any age.
(P.S. today I’m 30 going on 13, feeling all giddy and nervous because I *might* kiss a boy tonight. Teehee).
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It can, but I do think age USUALLY tempers off the sheer stupidity a bit… And this whole situation appears to be nothing BUT stupidity…
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WOW
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I’m fascinated. Isn’t she the one who was trying to get pregnant? And she’s got a boyfriend/husband/something? How is that working, the fling is at her side while her SO is there too? Or oblivious? And now she’s totally down for an abortion after 2 years of trying to get pregnant? I guess that means your lover didn’t get played after all huh?
Fascinating, absolutely fascinating.
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I thought the tryst within a tryst happened in Montreal!?! Has this woman fled Canada to get the abortion!?!
So much function and responsibility to keep track of!
Carry on with this relationship LW – all of you deserve each other and it would be best to leave normal and happy innocent bystanders alone.
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I wondered that too: Why would the other woman go to NY for an abortion when abortion’s been legal in Canada for decades? But then I went back and re-read the original letter and the LW says the other woman lives seven hours away from Montreal and in a different country, so it sounds like she’s just getting it done where she lives. And OMFG LW get your shit together!
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WOW. I really hope that the LW doesn’t have children because no one should ride the crazy train created by a nutjob parent throughout their childhood. And LW, you sound like a very unbalanced, crazy lady. Try to work on not being an unbalanced, crazy person before pursuing your next relationship.
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I tihnk my favorite line is “He promised me he wouldn’t sleep with her before the abortion”. Sounds like sleeping with her afterwards is fair game.
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Um, actually… I don’t think you can have sex again right away so quickly after an abortion. But I might be mistaken on that, actually.
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Are you the only one that gets to be sarcastic?
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dayum, nutella! a lurker steps out and calls bgm out – balls! i wanna spread you on toast. i mean, actually, that would be better than this fucking salad i’m eating.
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It’s just that so few here try it…
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I’m actually sarcastic quite often.
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Mmmm, nutella!
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I was thinking the same thing.
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I’m in Italy right now, and that’s all there is to eat. I eat it out of the jar from a spoon. Mmmm. The only problem is not letting the kids see, because I don’t want them to think it’s really acceptable….
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Hahaah I agree. He had to promise you not to have sex with someone else. This drama sounds like the plot of a French film. So many lovers and amours and deceit and le sex
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I don’t always have abortions, but when I do, I like to bang the baby-daddy the day before. (Sort of like binging on sushi the night before my liposuction!)
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LOL!!! that’s so funny about something that really isn’t funny at all, thank goodness I wasn’t drinking something it would have come out of my nose.
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Wow indeed. Denial is not just a river in Egypt… Because not knowing what MOA means was a good way of ignoring all of the advice and comments.
This LW needs to go to some serious counseling, if for no other reason she thinks her age has anything to do with maturity. Yes 40somethings can still act like immature, insecure teens who have no self-respect and are trying to build their self-worth on the opinions and actions of others which is doomed to failure. Look in the mirror and get some help.
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I’m sure this guy will survive if he doesn’t have you or this other adulterer in his life, there are plenty more women in the sea he can get to cheat on their husbands, and boyfriends with him. Just know that if you do get back together with this guy he is going to cheat on you, because that’s who he is, but don’t get mad, because that is who you are too.
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You are on top of it lately, bagge!
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Haha thanks, ever since I’ve been getting the news letter, I’ve been trying for comment of the week!
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you should get it this week.. great
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This totally should be comment of the week!!!
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ZING
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I think this is my favorite update ever. Seriously.
I feel so good about my life right now, it’s not even funny!
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WBS!
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Woo Hoo!
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Word.
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Ok I’m sorry but this has got to be fake! When I read the first one I was inclined to think that but after reading the follow-up, which was contradictory to the original and considering all the questions she asked wasn’t really a follow-up, I fail to believe someone that is 44 years old is this out of touch with reality….
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You haven’t met my mother…
You’d be surprised.
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How can I forget what he did? Can I? Or do I dump his ass and say fuck you! You messed up. You lose me and her. You have nothing left?
Jesus. I was even trying to be moderately polite to this LW, but you know what? The gloves are off. You are THE most self-absorbed person I have seen write in to this site in . . . well, as long as I can remember reading it. He messed up?! You were cheating on your husband consistently for how long? Showing how LITTLE regard for your relationship? And now you’re pissed because this guy you’ve been cheating with isn’t loyal to you and had an affair? Here’s a newsflash, lady: it’s not an affair if you’re not in a relationship with the guy. Why would you expect him to be monogamous with you if you’re incapable of being it with him, which by the very definition of “married” you were not? Who seriously has the nerve to write in and bitch and moan about how betrayed they feel in this situation? How deluded and narcissistic do you have to be to look at this and wonder if you should “take him back”? Whether you want to look at it as karmic retribution or a taste of your own cooking, you just had happen to you what you’ve been doing to your husband all this time. Doesn’t feel so good, does it? Kind of sucks to have the shoe on the other foot? Well, maybe if you were actually a better human being people might have some sympathy for you, but in your case, I’d say you should walk away. Not for your sake, but for his, because this guy you’re sleeping with absolutely deserves someone better than you. I don’t even have to know him, and I can say that with supreme confidence.
A tangentially related point: I very much subscribe to the “collaborative” field of divorce law. I believe that divorces are best served with cool heads and no emotion, where the parties work together to resolve and divide their assets in the manner most favorable to all. But in your case, I’d be happy to make an exception. I don’t know what state you live in, but I wish you were in mine so I could tell you to have your husband call me to represent him. If he’s smart, he’ll get wind of your letters and use them against you, because, honestly, if this gets out, you can pretty much kiss any leverage you had in this divorce goodbye. I mean, he’s going to absolutely OWN you, and NO ONE will have sympathy for you in the case. Not the lawyers, not the judge. Nobody. So if you don’t want a very long, very painful, VERY contentious divorce, I’d try to settle this between you two now, and fast, or you’re going to regret hesitating very much.
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*slow clap*
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Haha, as I started reading this I was imagining a slow clap! Very well said, Guy Friday!
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ugh. gross. just gross.
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I know, I am so icked out by this letter I can’t even tell you…
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It’s startling to me that a 43 year old would write that letter. In my opinion, an update is really only effective after a few months, not weeks.
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“He promised me he wouldn’t sleep with her before the abortion”
Dear. Lord.
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Has anyone else ever read Tucker Max’s “I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell”? That one statement really reminded me of the last chapter which was awful and disturbing and if you need a recap I can give give it to you, but be warned it’s like, the worst. Just…blah.
While I’m pro-choice, and obviously it’s up to this other woman, I find myself kind of sad for her that she’s aborting this baby after she’s been trying for two years and recently had a miscarriage (if that’s the truth of the story).
Also, I don’t know about any of you other ladies, but I would think that if I were getting an abortion, I wouldn’t want to sleep with anyone the 24 hours before it…or after it. Hell, even before and after routine exams I would feel weird!
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“..and my lover wants me back upon his return.”
Edwardo swore a vow to live in love and pleasure with me throughout all of time, but my husband, Duke Von Cuckold, has kept me in my wretched wedded prison for all my lustless days. Until now. For Edwardo has rebuffed his 2nd lover, Fertilia, and wants to rescue me on his pirate ship (Edwardo’s a pirate) and sail on the sea of sexual surrender. But, I think to myself as I place my hand on my corseted bosom in confusion, do I want this? Do I want to live as his seaworthy seductress for all of time? I know I love him, as I am 43 and the rules of our kingdom state that every 43 year old makes excellent decisions and should be blindly trusted, but is it enough to forgive for his lies? For his beautiful lies?
Slowly pulling my hand from my heaving bosom, I take a quill and begin to pen a letter. A poem, if you will. I want to write a goodbye that does justice to our dreams together, both in life and in our erupting sexual escapades. I blow the ink dry from the finished words and I read the poem to myself with a sorrow satisfaction.
fuck you!
You messed up.
You lose me and her.
You have nothing left?
Yes, that is perfect. Now he will know the depths of my love and how true my heart beats for his rough, yet tender, touch. I sigh and look out the window of my marriage dungeon and stare into the depths of the sea. His sea. I think I can seem him somewhere out there, waiting for me with hope in his heart and a bulge in his pantaloons. I know now I will never send this letter.
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hahaha i love this so much there aren’t even words to express it.
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This response was SO much better than mine
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SarahKat, my heart beats for you.
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Too funny! I could only picture this with a woman (you) sitting at a laptop with a fluffy, too long robe and those bunny slippers with loppy ears and hair tied in some funny not, or possibly curlers typing away.
That visual made it so much funnier.
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You are amazing. And would have a very successful career in writing tongue-in-cheek romance fiction.
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That was amazing. You’re my favorite person, period.
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omg this is so perfect.
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Can we nominate people for comment of the week?
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Yes, you can.
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SarahKat ftw!
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SarahKat every week.
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Don´t be silly, you can both alternate weeks.
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WJKS.
p.s. SarahKat – um, I sent you a FB friend request. To the extent you think that’s stalkerish, Lili and/or Rachel are the ones who found you! To the extent you find it endearing, I found you, baby cakes.
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And I helped. I mean, if it’s not stalkerish. (pssst! if it’s not too stalkerish, wanna be my fb fwiend too?)
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OMG YAY! I didn’t even know how to find DW people on facebook!
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I don´t add people, but you´re more than welcome to friend me (I´m friends with AP and Cats, and have the same profile pic as here).
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OOH, me too! I’m friend with AP, JK and others!
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Blam JK! Found you!
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I tried to find you, but darn AP and her “only showing mutual friends” setting
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So can you guys tell me if sarahkat is really taylor swift?? Its hard to tell with these little avatars.
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Can I be your friend too? :3 AP has me on her facebook, im the one with blue bangs
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Added wheeeeeee!!!
CatsMeow, how do I find you on fb?
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Boom! Shit got real. I just “suggested” Cats and JK for you.
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umm you should friend me. i bet you could find me if you still had my e-mail.
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Yay! We’re friends!
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Whoop whoop! I just don’t know how to find anyone else. I’m just gonna blanket Dear Wendy’s facebook page with friend requests.
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OMG!
“Bulge in his pantaloons”!!
SarahKat! SaraKat!
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Best. Comment. EVER.
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Fantastic! Pantaloons! I love it!
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I love this, and I cures you for getting more comment of the week nominations!
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should be curse you, and should be on SK’s!
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Between this, the romance fiction on the pants-less drunk neighbor letter, The Validator, and someone actually changing their name to pants less drunky, it was has a good couple weeks at dw….
Applause. For all you.
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Oh my GOD, laughing at my desk right now. This is so, so good.
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SarahKat just won the internet, you can all go home now.
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Also I would like to get Temperance’s version of this as well, because you both are the shit when it comes to writing these things! Oh and maybe add some food, and being in love talk for Addie!
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And don’t forget TaraMonster.
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Dang yeah, TaraMonster was who I meant! Sorry for the confusion!
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I don’t think I ever saw this many likes on a comment!
this was fucking awesome
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I lost my shit at “pantaloons.”
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That shit cray.
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Yes.
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When Kanye West tells you you’re crazy, just commit yourself immediately. Game over.
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Did this LW even read the advice Wendy gave the first time?
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All signs point to “NO.”
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My guess is no.
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Good gravy, woman! Are you sure you’re 43 and not 13? Put on your big girl panties and move on!
Do something for yourself… isn’t that what you’ve been doing by carrying on this affair while toying with your husband’s heart? I would suggest going to a counselor to help you muck through your feelings and get you head off of Cloud 9!
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Facepalms.
Lots of facepalms.
Facepalms all the way down.
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the amount of facepalms might leave a bruise. be careful.
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A reasonable person would take this heartbreak and say “Oh, maybe I should reconsider the way I’ve been living my life. I’m really getting wrapped up in a lot here, and it turns out my own medicine doesn’t taste so great.” But no. You are incredibly self absorbed. How do you manage to have no self awareness outside of what you want? You are not healthy enough to be in relationships because relationships are about give and take, and you clearly only want to take. You need to be single and just have sex with whoever you want to.
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Actually maybe I should clarify. You need to be single and just have sex with OTHER SINGLE PEOPLE.
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I say again, Wow. You need to get a hold of yourself and be by yourself for a while. If you don’t want to be with your husband, fine, but why do you want to be with this guy? He helped you cheat on your husband. He has unprotected sex with one-night stands. That does not make him sterling boyfriend material. Now that you know what MOA means, do it and get thee to a therapist to straighten yourself out so you can have a shot at a real relationship in the future.
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Re-readiny my reply, it is way too polite. Oh well. At least I didn’t mention forced sterilization again. Oops…
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And suddenly I feel so much better about my dating life…thanks!
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I feel much better about my life in general.
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Me too. My life is sane compared to this “update”.
Wendy – please tell me, this really was some silly pre-teen writing some bad horror movie fiction, right?
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BBC.
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what does BBC mean?
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Buy Birth Control?
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Bitches be crazy
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I really needed this today, thank you Wendy for posting this and for the LW for, well, being the LW!
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What the holy fuck is wrong with this person? This is a joke, right? Sorry, this just can’t be serious.
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Yeah…. I’m calling fake on this LW. Mainly for my sanity. I don’t want to believe people this batshit crazy actually exist.
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She just sounds so….desperate!! Like, she clearly shouldn’t have stayed with hubby…but sounds like she would have if lovah hadn’t been so persistent. And now that lovah is doing, well, what she did for months, she’s freaking the fuck out. Get a grip and act like an adult.
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This letter sounded sort of manic. You can be infatuated with someone at 43. It’s just that you usually have the wisdom and experience to tell you when it’s leading you down the wrong path. If you’re going to do something for you, then do it. But that doesn’t involve taking back your “lover” who had his own “lover.” Go be single for a while until you learn to be faithful to your next fellow.
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I have come to an important life revelation just now.
I don’t like people.
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I´m with you. I HATE people. Especially when I´m driving.
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OMG, there were so many HORRIBLE drivers on my way home today! Why don’t Seattle people know how to drive in the rain?! It ALWAYS rains here!
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This is fake, right? No one is this messed up. No one. On the off chance that it isn’t fake and this LW really is this crazy, I’d very sincerely and with no sarcasm recommend that she seek the help of a therapist immediately.
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FYI – You are not “living on your own now.” You and your husband separated one week ago. You are as much “living on your own” as a child who goes away for sleepaway camp. Real independence and thoughtful decision making skills take time (the true definition of living on your own), and right now you are just a bat-shit crazy drama queen.
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Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit. WHAAAAT. No, this cannot be real. OR IS IT??? I can’t even attempt to respond to this. Holy fucking shit. My brain is exploding.
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How old is this woman? I picture her sitting in her boudoir, wearing a flowing negligee, writing this on scented stationary with a pen that has a big puffy ball on its end. It sets my teeth on edge every time she referred to him as “her lover”. Barf. Whatever woman. He is probably just after your trust fund. Enjoy it while you can because with brains like yours, you’ll end up alone eventually.
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It says it in the letter. Get ready.
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.
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43!
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OK. I have read everything again, and combined with the speed and content of the reply, I would like to suggest to the LW that you immediately make an appointment with your doctor and have a full workup… have you been in an accident or otherwise suffered a head injury in the past year? You may want to check for chemical/hormonal imbalances, brain tumors, etc. because it sounds like (DISCLAIMER – NOT A DOCTOR) you are experiencing some extreme swings of behavior and mood and it would be good to eliminate all physical reasons for your behavior of the past year before moving on to the emotional/mental ones.
I just can’t understand how someone can remain so “trapped” in an unhappy marriage for almost 2 decades and then go from 0-COUGAR ON THE PROWL in 60 secs. We get LWs on this thread who can’t go on a single date for years after a bad breakup and yet this woman flipped a switch one day and went to juggling multiple guys, online dating, and drama now involving other marriages and unplanned pregnancies — all while still living at home!
Just a suggestion, obviously I am trying to make sense of the LW’s behavior and want to eliminate all possibilities of the cray
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I am normally a lurker, but I have to chime in here:
$20 says he comes back from his little trip and his lover “couldn’t go through with it.” There is NO. WAY. a woman desperate for a baby would abort. He wanted an excuse to go see her. At the very least, LW’s lover will come back in a few months with, “My fling text me today. She is still pregnant, SHE LIED! She had the baby… Its a BOY/GIRL!” All the while he knew the abortion never actually took place.
I’m calling it now.
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I’m 99.5% sure that the LW made up that delusional story to explain why her beautiful lover would dare cheat on her. It was the conniving, baby-desperate strumpet! She did it!
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“Strumpet” – I love it!
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Shit I’m late to this awesome sarahkat filled party. I hate that Wednesday is 3 post day because Wednesday is IWTTS gets day drunk on margaritas with her friends day. I feel like it’s personal. Should I move margarita Wednesday to another day? Also do you guys want to talk about my dog’s day care?
One of my best friends is having a baby Friday and I cannot wait. My other friend and I are going to tailgate at the hospital. This is the most exciting thing that has happened to me since the huskers beat ohio state last year. It’s like everything in my life is coming together.
Also today was day 17 of yoga!!! I am not getting skinnier (because I keep eating queso nachos and margaritas) but I am getting total badass. I seriously have guns. It’s outrageous. Happy Wednesday y’all. Namaste bitches.
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Oh how selfish of me –
LW – you’re a total fucking mess. The only victory that can come out of this situation is if it motivates you to get your tubes tied.
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Delivery room tailgating? That is the way to rock being a grown up!
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You know, I’m going to buck the trend and say the LW should try to work it out with this guy.
Not because its a good idea, but because they really shouldn’t be inflicting their crazy on nice, normal, sane partners. Every pot has a lid, they say…
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Yeah, I want regular updates from these two (or three, depending on who’s cheating…)
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I think my brain just exploded.
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>I’m 43 and this isn’t infatuation! Is it??
Woo boy. I think you know what it is, LW…
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WOMAN, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU.
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If he has to promise you that he won’t sleep with her before the abortion………….
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…uhm…
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Just to add a little more drama. I think lee Lover is going to NY to get more sexy time. To make the LW let go of her drama about him having a baby momma, he tells her that drama is out because baby momma is having an abortion. I seriously doubt baby momma can have an abortion with her husband & fling present. Unless the three have a threesome prior to the abortion. Btw LW doesn’t say anything about her child, maybe he is under his day’s guardianship (I hope). I’m sorry LW but it’s really difficult not to tell you to get over it already.
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I’m sorry lady, but you are a fucking idiot….almost to the point where I think this whole thing is fake. No one can be that big of a narcissistic bitch.
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AHAHAHA. LOVER LOVER LOVER LOVER LOVERRRRRRR. Seriously: stop. Wtf. Aside from picking up and discarding “MOA” because she didn’t know what it means, it seems like this LW didn’t read a single bit of advice from anyone, and this update is just another bite-sized installment of drama. TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR MORE FROM “DEGRASSI: THE MIDDLE AGED YEARS.”
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Umm…wow! Real, fake? Just wow! And why does the “lover” (I actually prefer, “lovah”) have to go be the abortion-support person? Especially if it was only a “fling”? (I love all this 43-year old terminology—and I’m 49; perhaps I need to start working some of this younger jargon into my vocabulary) What does the NY-man-stealin’-hussy tell her husband that she’s doing on the big day? And if the NY-MSH was sooooo desperate to get pregnant, why is she aborting? WHA????
(How ironic, Crazy Train by Ozzy Osbourne is currently on my radio—very fitting.)
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