Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Updates: “Over His Friends” Responds

It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today, we hear from “Over His Friends” who was tired of her husband’s friends draining her/them financially and emotionally. Keep reading to see whether they’ve resolved anything.

I just wanted to thank you so much for posting my letter. The readers’ comments were really helpful, and even though my husband and I started to make some progress on this issue before my letter was published, their words had a huge impact. I will out myself as a somewhat frequent commenter of DW, so my husband is familiar with the site. So, we sat down the day you published my letter and went through all the comments together.

For me, it was comforting to see that I had a right to be upset about this issue, and for him it was helpful to see some point of views that weren’t as emotionally charged as my own but that were in line with what I was feeling. We talked it out over a couple days, and even though it has only been a few weeks, things are going much better. His friends have, thankfully, moved out, and we have worked out some boundaries regarding them, especially when it comes to the money we were spending because of them. We agreed to always get separate checks when out (no more freebies for friends!) and to no more babysitting of his friends’ out-of-town guests, and we are never going to let anyone stay with us rent-free in the future, barring a terrible circumstance.

We also agreed to maybe seek out some couple friends since all of our friends are single. I think the fact that we are the only people in a serious relationship in our limited social circle in the city we currently live in has played a big role in all of this. We still love to go out with our friends, both together and separately, but being labeled as “the boring married couple” has become tiring. My husband admitted that it was his distaste of that label that let this situation get out of hand.

So, thank you again to everyone for all of your advice. I appreciate it!

 
So glad you guys have opened communication so well on this issue and are taking steps to resolve some things. Making friends with other couples sounds like a wonderful idea — join a class or a meetup group if you’re having trouble meeting people, or, if you have any co-workers either of you likes who happen to be in relationships, suggest a double-date some time. Good luck!

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If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at wendy@dearwendy.com with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.

You can follow me on Facebook here and sign up for my weekly newsletter here.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

21 comments… add one
  • avatar

    artsygirl January 29, 2013, 1:06 pm

    Yay I am happy that there was a good resolution to this problem.

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  • katie

    katie January 29, 2013, 1:09 pm

    aw im happy you let him read all the comments- i did that when i wrote in too!!

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    kerrycontrary January 29, 2013, 1:17 pm

    Good update. Also random, but in the comment I posted in this letter I told a story who apparently is about Sarah (who reads this site). Which is SO WEIRD because we’re from different states and only met once through my college ex-boyfriend almost 4 years ago. Wow Dear Wendy is a small world.

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    • JK

      JK January 29, 2013, 1:20 pm

      I just read that. So funny!!!

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      bethany January 29, 2013, 1:59 pm

      That is amazing!!!

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      kerrycontrary January 29, 2013, 2:46 pm

      PS this is a testament to how wide-reaching DW is. Two people I’ve met/known IRL have recognized me from this site. The other possibility is that I’m super popular and the common link to everyone on the interwebs/America.

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      • JK

        JK January 29, 2013, 4:01 pm

        Yeah, probably option 2, Kevin Bacon loses, everyone is only 1 degree (or 2?) away from you!!

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    • rawkmys0cks

      Sarah January 29, 2013, 3:48 pm

      Haha, I didn’t think you noticed my comment before. I just popped over there and read what you wrote, and let me say, WOW. This is so weird! I read DW every day, but I never comment. In any case, reading your comment before, for some reason it just clicked that you were talking about me.

      Funny thing, I never had confirmation that he was really up to anything shady that night (because he denied everything), but I always knew something was seriously wrong. It’s weird because even though I’m totally over it–and have been for years at this point–I feel a little bit of closure knowing that I wasn’t the insane one.

      Also, I just want to thank you, so so much for being kind that week. I hope everything is well with you!

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        kerrycontrary January 29, 2013, 4:19 pm

        Awww! I’m glad you saw this and could get some closure. Of course he denied it. Pfft. He’s great at making women feel like they are the insane one, trust me, I felt that way for like a year and a half. Don’t get me wrong, I have very fond memories of college with him and our friends, but he is shady. Everything is great with me! I’m still with the guy I was getting to know/dating when I met you (so strange to think about that-feels like a million years ago). I hope everything is great with you and don’t feel shy about commenting around DW.

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      • rawkmys0cks

        Sarah January 29, 2013, 4:48 pm

        Yeah he sucks. I kept in contact with him for a while after that, which was really dumb. Eventually I learned that I deserved better.

        That’s really awesome about your boyfriend, and I’m glad you’re doing well. I can’t believe it was three and a half years ago…but yeah, I graduated from college and live and work in NYC now with my boyfriend, so things are great with me as well! I should comment here more often, you all seem like lovely people and I enjoy reading the comments and the forums so much 🙂 I should probably come up with an alias or something…

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    Taylor January 29, 2013, 1:50 pm

    Awesome update! I love that you went through the letter and comments together – loads of communication and maturity all around =)

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  • avatar

    Diana January 29, 2013, 2:13 pm

    So glad it worked out. It sounds like you are both being true grown-ups about this, and that’s wonderful. Props to you both!

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  • MaterialsGirl

    MaterialsGirl January 29, 2013, 2:17 pm

    thats awesome! yes, i totally agree with getting couples friends! We have a very favorite ‘couple’ we like to go out with. it’s just refreshing

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  • Fabelle

    Fabelle January 29, 2013, 2:33 pm

    So glad to hear you’re both working this out nicely! And it’s always cool to hear that our comments directly helped the situation 😀

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  • bittergaymark

    bittergaymark January 29, 2013, 2:40 pm

    Um, the only thing I kinda REALLY don’t get here is the parting “couples” friends comment. Look, your troubles didn’t start out simply because single people and paired off people can’t or shouldn’t be friends. Nope. Instead, the issue was that all of your husband’s single friends were seemingly total jerks… THAT was the problem. And, yeah, it was a big one.

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    • Heather

      Heather January 29, 2013, 7:08 pm

      I agree with the sentiment, but I think what LW was getting at was that it would be nice to have some “couple” friends that you can relate to once in a while. I didn’t get the impression that LW was suggesting they completely abandon the previous friends (who seemed kind of rude to me, but just my opinion). I think it just helps to have a diverse group of friends for a lot of people, be them single or not.

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    • meadowphoenix

      meadowphoenix January 30, 2013, 10:18 am

      I guess I don’t get what’s confusing about what she said. She says they still hang out with their friends, but that their label in that relationship with those friends was influencing their (and especially her husband’s) response to the shitty behavior of those friends. So they’re going to find friends who are closer to where they are in life also, so that the “married friends” label doesn’t bother them as much.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark January 30, 2013, 2:21 pm

        It’s not confusing to me either, I just think it’s rather sad. Loo I simply hate how some couples suddenly insist on only doing couples bull shit the minute they think their lives are so fucking perfect — and then (surprise! surprise!) wanna be let right back in to play your woefully single reindeer games the very minute their marriage hits the rocks or their relationship goes belly-up.

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      • avatar

        LW January 30, 2013, 11:43 pm

        I think it’s pretty sad when couples do that as well. However, that’s not the least bit of what I implied in my update. If i cared so little for my single friends and my apparent future marriage troubles in which you state we would need assistance, I wouldn’t have written in in the first place. I generally care about my husband’s friendships with his friends, even though they were highly immature in this situation. Rather than cause a scene and ruin a friendship, I wrote in and got a lot of great advice.

        Having said that, all of our 10 or so friends in this city are single and behave similarly to the friends I discussed in the original letter. So, we both agreed it’d be nice to have some friends that wouldnt needle us for staying in on a weeknight or spending time together when school and work prevented us from doing so all week.

        preveufrom doing so all weekend.
        mentioned.

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      • avatar

        LW January 30, 2013, 11:45 pm

        Sorry about that last random sentence posting from my iphone!

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  • avatar

    Leah January 30, 2013, 12:47 pm

    I think my favorite part of this update is the fact that your husband figured out WHY he was letting the situation get out of hand. In a long term relationship there will always be times when either or both partners are acting irrationally and generally piss each other off. The trick to good communication is to be able to dig deep down and figure out why you’re acting the way that you are, own up to it, and try to correct your behavior. The fact that your husband can do that speaks very, very well of him and your relationship!

    You definitely need more couple friends, if not married friends. My fiance and my couple friends party as hard as anyone, but they also cover their own bills and know to fulfill their responsibilities to work/school first! I’m sure you’ll find some similarly interesting coupled people if you look!

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