Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Updates: “Pregnant Daughter” Responds

It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today, we hear from “Pregnant Daughter” who was worried about how to tell her parents, whom she lives with, that she was pregnant. Keep reading to hear where things stand.

So, it turned out we had nothing to fear from telling our parents. Everyone – though initially freaked out and upset – was very supportive. I had my reasons for being terrified to tell them, and my brothers have admitted feeling the same way about telling our parents any news. After breaking the news, though, our attention immediately shifted to the important issues at hand.

I failed to mention this before, but my boyfriend and I have been together for over a year and he’s the only guy I have ever slept with. Although we have a great relationship, this put a major strain on it for obvious reasons. But, we weren’t ready for this at all like many people pointed out. And I know Wendy won’t share my previous letters, but to end curiosity, they were mostly from over a year and a half ago and had to do with the horrible (and completely different) relationship I had with my ex that I was unwilling to let go of – which she helped me realize I had to do.

I’m completely against abortion (and I honestly didn’t appreciate all of the requests for me to get one rather than suggesting it as an option) and my boyfriend respects that, so we were considering adoption to give the baby a good life. We were still considering raising this child, and understood how hard it would be. But God made the final decision; we found out when we went in for the first ultrasound that the baby’s heart had recently stopped beating – and we are still in shock. What started out as an exciting moment to get the first images of our future child quickly turned into one of the saddest instances that either of us has ever endured.

We weren’t ready to be parents, and we should have used better protection than just condoms, and trust me, we understand that. But being a Christian, I try to trust God to make the best decisions for me, and I felt that my getting pregnant was a blessing, if not for me, than for someone else who wants a child. I feel that this is a lesson from Him, and right now I’m struggling to understand why I’ve been put through all this Hell, but my faith has not changed one bit. But thank you to everyone for the advice; it was appreciated.

 
Thank you for the update. I’m sorry for your shock and hope you are able to heal both emotionally and physically and practice safer sex and good judgment in the future.

To readers: Please, if you’re going to comment on this update, be sensitive about the nature of this topic and refrain from using hurtful language. (I will delete anything that is unnecessarily mean).

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If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at wendy@dearwendy.com with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.

You can follow me on Facebook here and Twitter here.

19 comments… add one
  • avatar

    MissDre October 25, 2012, 9:10 am

    So sorry for your loss. Wishing all the best for you.

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  • lynn

    Lynn October 25, 2012, 1:14 pm

    I am so sorry for your loss. And like you said, it is all up to Him. Always keep your faith. Check out John 13:7 – you may not know what He is doing now, but someday you’ll understand.

    Sending positive thoughts your way.

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  • avatar

    Trixy Minx October 25, 2012, 1:23 pm

    I am so very sorry for your loss.

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  • avatar

    jlyfsh October 25, 2012, 1:30 pm

    I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope you all are able to move on from this and are able to continue to communicate your feelings to your boyfriend and learn to talk about safe sex together as well.

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  • avatar

    Jenny October 25, 2012, 1:30 pm

    I’m so sorry for your loss, LW. You are certainly not alone. There are a lot of support groups out there if you feel like you would benefit from one. The fact that you were not completely ready does not detract from the gravity of your loss. I wish you the best.

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  • SarahKat

    SarahKat October 25, 2012, 1:36 pm

    I’m so so sorry for your loss.

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  • theattack

    theattack October 25, 2012, 1:38 pm

    LW, I don’t really know what to tell you. I’m sorry you’ve been going through such a difficult time. I would say that the bright side here is that I’m sure you’ve done a lot of growing up through this experience. You might not see it now, but you will forever be a changed person, and you will have insight into things you didn’t previously have. You will come out stronger and wiser. Choose to use this experience as an opportunity for personal growth. Good luck.

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    • MackenzieLee

      MackenzieLee October 26, 2012, 2:57 am

      I think this update alone shows how much the LW has grown up. The tone is so much more mature and wise than the original letter.

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  • LM

    LM October 25, 2012, 1:40 pm

    LW, I’m sorry for your loss. Thankfully your family was supportive and hopefully they will support you in this difficult time. Although this happen specifically to your body and emotions, please don’t forget about your boyfriend too. It’s as much of a loss to him as it is to you.

    Perhaps this situation is to show you how much you were not ready at the present time for a child and will allow you to love and appreciate any future children you will have all the more.

    I wish you all the best and am sending you a virtual hug.

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  • the_optimist

    the_optimist October 25, 2012, 1:09 pm

    I’m so very sorry for your loss. I can’t even imagine the emotional roller coaster you’ve been on because of it. Many hugs to you, LW.

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  • avatar

    Eljay October 25, 2012, 2:48 pm

    Wow, I did NOT see that coming. My heart just sank for you, LW. I’m so sorry. It sounds like you’re handling this with a great deal of grace and maturity, and your faith will get you through. Hugs.

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  • Moneypenny

    Moneypenny October 25, 2012, 2:48 pm

    I’m so sorry for your loss, LW! I wish you all the best for for you and send you an Internet hug!

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  • avatar

    SGMcG October 25, 2012, 2:58 pm

    LW, I am so sorry for your loss. Although God may have made a final decision for your regarding the baby, He may not have gifted you with all the strength you need to handle this alone. Please don’t put on a brave face for those around you who may be relieved that your load just got lighter. Just as you had the right to decide among the options to exercise when you became pregnant, you have the right to grieve for your unexpected miscarriage – even if you had yet to decide to keep the baby or not. Find a shoulder to cry on – your family, your boyfriend, a close friend, a pastor/priest. If you can’t find someone near you to talk about your sadness, find a therapy group with other women to discuss your loss and give yourself permission to cry about it. I know the loss is hell now, but moving forward, it will be the turning point that helps you focus on what you want for your life, your family and the people you love. Good luck LW, prayers for the best.

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  • Kate B.

    Kate B. October 25, 2012, 3:14 pm

    So sorry to hear about your loss, LW. Your decision to treat this as a learning experience is a positive way to deal with it. I am not a Christian, but I do believe that there is a higher power that sends us things like this in order for us learn and grow and move forward. Remember this: you are never given more than you can handle. Best of luck to you.

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  • avatar

    Sue Jones October 25, 2012, 6:38 pm

    I am very sorry for you loss. Perhaps what your god (He or She as the case may be) was intending was for you to be more aware and conscious of all of your actions and all of the repercussions of those actions. Perhaps He or She intended for you to really beef up your contraception. And having gone through this once, and having perhaps dodged a bullet so to speak, you and your boyfriend perhaps got to work through your respective positions on the “what ifs” about your future plans with each other and what you would like to consciously co-create for your future together. And remember, 20% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage so you are not alone in this situation. Sometimes biology doesn’t go the typical way. And our bodies have a wisdom sometimes to not create a human being if the embryo is not developing properly.

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  • avatar

    Anna October 25, 2012, 9:19 pm

    I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. That must have been devastating. It sounds like you’re dealing with it very positively. As far as extra contraception for the future, I’ve been on the pill for many years and never been pregnant. My prescription is very affordable at Planned Parenthood.

    I just want to say something about the increasing snark factor here lately. Just as I predicted, this LW was hurt and upset by people telling her to have an abortion. Not everyone is ok with abortion and they don’t have to be. Just the fact that Wendy feels the need to warn commenters to be nice to a woman who’s just experienced a miscarriage speaks volumes about the atmosphere here. I would think any decent human would be nice and supportive to a woman who’s just experienced such a tragedy. Of course, some letters just demand a little snark like the one where the LW was angry at her “lover” for “cheating” on her even though she was married to someone else. But in cases like this, maybe we could all try putting ourselves in this woman’s shoes for a minute before commenting. After all, aren’t we supposed to be a big supportive community?

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    • katie

      katie October 25, 2012, 9:39 pm

      i think that wendy meant being sensitive to bringing up abortion and its issues, not to this woman having a miscarriage…

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  • fast eddie

    fast eddie October 28, 2012, 7:58 am

    Forgive my ignorance but when that happens does the fetus miscarry itself or is intervention required?

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    • avatar

      Addie Pray October 28, 2012, 8:20 am

      i think it depends on how far along you are. my SIL miscarried twins pretty late in the pregnancy – like 5-6 months? – and they had to induce labor for her when she miscarried. It was so sad (to say the least).

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