Updates: “Reunited with a Secretive Ex” and “Hit On By Her Husband” Respond

It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today we hear from two previous letter writers. The first is “Hit On By Her Husband” whose close friend’s husband hit on her several years ago and she wondered if she should finally tell her friend what happened. “Her marriage is now so unhappy that she is seriously thinking of leaving him and I think she needs to have as much information as possible to make an informed decision. However, the incidents with the husband happened four years ago and I haven’t said anything since then. Do you think it would be the wrong thing to tell my friend what happened, now that so much time has passed?” Keep reading to see whether she decided to tell her friend.

Well, I decided not to tell, agreeing with many who responded that the time to tell is long gone. Since coming to a definite decision, I have been able to stop fretting about it. My friend, however, is very close to the end of her tether in the relationship for many reasons, and it seems likely that she will act on this as soon as she feels able. She is a lovely person and has many friends who will do all we can to support her.

All the best to you and your other readers, have a happy and healthy year. Thanks so much.

Thanks for the update! Your friend is lucky to have the support of people who obviously care about her well-being.

Now we hear from “Reunited with a Secretive Ex” who recently reunited with her ex-husband whom she hadn’t seen in 20 years. During their years apart, he re-married and divorced. The LW was confused as to why he still took calls from his ex-MIL, writing: “I don’t know what they would have to talk about if not [his ex-wife]. Also, he won’t give me a reason for his split with the ex or any details about their life together.” Keep reading to see if she got any clarity.

I did follow your advice somewhat. We are still together, but I am also still dealing with the issue of his being in contact with his ex. Wendy, he walked out on me and our children 20 years ago and never came to visit them while they were growing up. I don’t know what he and his ex would have to talk about since there are no children, property, or business that they share together . . . I don’t know how to handle this situation. I just don’t talk about it and he doesn’t bring it up. That’s how I handle it. Thanks for your help.

Well, that doesn’t sound very healthy. If you have unresolved anger or resentment about his walking out on you and your four children 20 years ago and never visiting, maybe being with him now isn’t the right move, regardless of whether his more recent ex-wife (and her family) still contacts him or not. If sweeping an issue under the rug is your way of dealing with it, it’s always going to be there.

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If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at wendy@dearwendy.com with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.

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5 Comments

simonthegrey says:

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I guess I don’t understand why you would take back a man who left his four children (and you) and had nothing to do with them growing up. To me, that doesn’t sound like a ticket to reconciliation.

bittergaymark says:

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LW2) What do your kid suspect about this ongoing reunion? Somehow, I suspect that they are less than thrilled… Think about that. Long and hard.

something random says:

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I’m really happy that letter writer one isn’t burdened anymore. I felt for her.

norabb says:

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LW2, well, if you don’t care enough to do anything about it, then fine. But don’t be surprised when everything blows up later

wobster109 says:

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Re: Secretive ex – How do you know he has no children/property with his ex? Because he says he doesn’t? Honestly I wouldn’t trust anything he says. He sounds like a scumbag.