Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Updates: “Sexually Curious Bride” Responds (Again)

It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing today. After the jump, we hear from “Sexually Curious Bride” who wrote in a couple weeks ago in a panic over the thought of being forever monogamous with her soon-to-be-husband who has a much lower sex drive that she has. She wondered if she should discuss her desire to possibly open their relationship at some point or just hope that desire went away on its own. She updated us once before, and now has a few more words to share:

I have already written you a novel or two, I’m aware. However, I feel this absurd need to… assuage the numerous doubts of the commenters — to defend myself, I guess, despite my total anonymity. And after I told my fiancé of the majority of reactions (he doesn’t mean what he said, the response is too quick, nothing was helped here, I’m just looking to cheat on him and not feel guilty about it), he agreed. I opened up to him about my original doubts regarding bringing it up to him and regarding writing about it. I didn’t go into the conversation in my last letter, so I suppose the doubts make sense. If writing this third time is ridiculous, then I understand if you don’t print this.

So, here’s how our conversation went: I told him that I would never go behind his back, and then I asked how he would feel if I approached him at some point and asked to sleep with someone else. His response, over the course of the conversation and kind of edited down to the important bits: he would be okay with it, he trusts me and trusts our relationship enough to know that I would never bring the request to him because I’m unhappy with our relationship, and he wasn’t at all surprised. He knew what he was getting into and who he was engaged to, and he knew that I might want to reopen the relationship at some point even when I told him I wanted to close it.

In the meantime, we are focusing on ways to improve our own sex life. I am engaged to a man who loves me and accepts me for everything I am. So that’s it, my last update and I couldn’t say why it matters to me so much, but I hope it tames the doubts of the DW community that I’m entering into a doomed marriage.

 
I think why it mattered to you so much — why it matters to any of us when people, especially strangers who don’t even know us, say something that makes us defensive — is because we worry there may be a kernel of truth in what is being said. I am glad that you and your fiancé have practiced open communication and are going into your marriage with honesty and expectations you are both OK with. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. This is your relationship, and you and your fiancé are the only two people who need to be good with it.

If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at [email protected] with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.

60 comments… add one
  • avatar

    rachel July 26, 2012, 1:15 pm

    WWS

    Also, even if seems a little pointless to worry about what strangers on the internet feel about you, it seems like, in this case, it really led you to a productive discussion with your fiance. So, yay!

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  • iwannatalktosampson

    iwannatalktosampson July 26, 2012, 1:17 pm

    High five on multiple updates. I wish everyone would update me on everything – all the time. Like Lili – lets talk about your date. And Addie – lets talk about your cafeteria. Katie – lets talk about your UTI. Budj – lets talk about your band. Bagge – lets talk about your fiance. Ready – GO!

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    • Lili

      Lili July 26, 2012, 1:27 pm

      So I got a manicure last night. Its this pretty metallicy two toned eggplant color. I’m thinking of wearing this plum color dress I have with a black belt and black flats–that I need to go buy after work today. Not sure if I’ll have enough time to do my make up AND curl my hair in the sexy beachy Kim k waves I like so much, but we’ll see. Oh and he’s picking me up! Even though we’re going to dinner in his part of town. I think thats a real gentleman.

      Oh and DW poll-should I bust out the fake lashes or not? I have some very natural wispy looking ones. BUT the downside is I will be a little worried about not sweating the glue off. I carry the glue with me at all times though. He’s not in fashion, but thats not to say he won’t appreciate all the effort. Ugh, decisions decisions.

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      • Moneypenny

        Moneypenny July 26, 2012, 1:47 pm

        Ooh! Your outfit sounds so cute. You’ll look fabulous!! I dunno, if it were me I’d not worry about the eyelashes, but I barely wear makeup as it is, so take that with a grain of salt.

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      • EscapeHatches

        EscapeHatches July 26, 2012, 2:29 pm

        Don’t go too all out – skip the lashes. You’re already dolling up plenty, and giving yourself something to be self-conscious about won’t help!

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      • Lili

        Lili July 26, 2012, 2:34 pm

        ok thanks everyone! I think I’ll skip them for now. I do think the lashes are more fun to use when going out with the girls since they seem to appreciate and notice them. Where as a man–one in a ‘serious’ field like he is-won’t know what to make of it. I’m going to keep my makeup light, but still I’m sure it’ll be more than he’s used to seeing on women. Its ok though, gotta represent my industry 😉

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      • MackenzieLee

        MackenzieLee July 26, 2012, 2:42 pm

        Lili have you ever tried the individual lashes that stay in for weeks. A couple months ago I was playing around with my makeup collection and put a few of them on (they weren’t just the regular ones that come off after a day) and I actually kind of love them. Except a few months later I still have two last little survivors hanging on to my eyelashes so I had to cut them down

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      • Lili

        Lili July 26, 2012, 2:48 pm

        Those scare me! I wear contacts and my eyes are always watery so I’m afraid i’ll end up having some bad scary accident. I should try them though. One of these days! Thanks for the tip 🙂

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      • avatar

        painted_lady July 26, 2012, 3:22 pm

        Hey Lili – can you recommend a good site to go for hair tutorials? I adore the ones at Cup of Jo for really easy kind of hipster-styles, but as far as trying different curled styles, I’m at a loss. Any ideas?

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      • Lili

        Lili July 26, 2012, 3:27 pm

        OO yes. I really like Lauren Conrad’s site:http://thebeautydepartment.com/hair/ I think that site is EXACTLY what I would love to have, but she has staff so I’m sure its better than anything I could do.

        Can’t wait to see FB pics of your lovely hair!

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      • MackenzieLee

        MackenzieLee July 26, 2012, 3:32 pm

        My proudest moment: i was about to suggest the beauty department before reading Lili’s post. So proud to be on the same wavelength as DW’s resident beauty guru

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      • avatar

        painted_lady July 26, 2012, 3:58 pm

        Thanks, ladies!!! Checked it out and it is wonderful!!!

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      • avatar

        Clare July 26, 2012, 3:44 pm

        For hair tutorials, I really like this blog: . She has a youtube channel with videos that actually clearly show how to do the hairstyles, unlike a lot of other tutorial videos I’ve seen.

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      • avatar

        TheGirl July 26, 2012, 4:12 pm

        That one is awesome! Tutorials for mid-length hair are so hard to come by.

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    • avatar

      Addie Pray July 26, 2012, 1:40 pm

      Gasp! Don’t you know some people do not like our tangents? Meh, but I like our tangents. Well, no cafeteria for me because I’m in… San Diego! But I can tell you that I had left over hamburgers for breakfast. (I eat whatever, whenever, however.) I’ve got the house and pool to myself this am. I laid out with my bikini bottoms on b/c I’d really like to have a tan bottom. But now I just have tan legs and a pink bottom because it was so WHITE! My butt had never really seen the light of day. I like to lay out with my bikini top on because my theory is that tan boobies look smaller than pale boobies. I know I’ve shared that theory before. But there you go once more for good measure.

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray July 26, 2012, 1:41 pm

        *bikini bottoms OFF, i meant to say.

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      • bagge72

        bagge72 July 26, 2012, 3:11 pm

        Awesome!

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray July 26, 2012, 3:45 pm

        I have pink ass. Thank god I put my bottoms back on b/c my SIL got back early.

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      • bagge72

        bagge72 July 26, 2012, 3:55 pm

        haha is that worse than pink eye? I have hairy white ass! On and I want to get my back waxed before my marriage/honeymoon would you say I should try it first to see what happens or just go and do it a day or to before? I just figured since you had a hairy back too you could help haha just kidding I just think a girl would know this type of thing for some reason!

        Oh and I had a misshap the other day with the clippers and an attachment fell off so I had to shave something bald and it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be!

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray July 26, 2012, 3:59 pm

        I say go get it waxed like 4 days before. Because if you do it now just for practice, then you’ll probably not want to do it again b/c it’ll be painful and you’ll be like “no way what a waste of money.” But don’t tell your fiancee. Surprise her!

        When is the big day, btw? We’ll need to know so when you go radio silent we’ll know it’s b/c you’re on your honeymoon. And if you start commenting during your honeymoon, then we’ll know you’re not doing your honeymoon right and we can yell at you.

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      • bagge72

        bagge72 July 26, 2012, 4:04 pm

        It is 9/07/12! One other person on here is getting married the same day, and I can’t remember who, maybe it was Chicago Dude! Can I update my FB with pictures and stuff on my honeymoon?

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson July 26, 2012, 4:10 pm

        No you cannot. People will think your marriage already sucks because you’re on facebook instead of banging. Seriously – people are that stupid. You have opened yourself up to judgment for the rest of your life. And here you just thought you were getting to live happily ever after. Also the honeymoon was made for baby making. You need to have one. Immediately. Otherwise you’re doing it wrong.

        (Yes I did drink bitter tea this morning)

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      • bagge72

        bagge72 July 26, 2012, 4:53 pm

        Only babies this early in the game will be by mistake, but I’m ok with that. I do like the practice though, gives my wrist a break.

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      • katie

        katie July 26, 2012, 4:03 pm

        definitely go once way before the wedding to figure out how you like it and how you react!!!

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      • bagge72

        bagge72 July 26, 2012, 4:07 pm

        Ugh uh two different replies, I think you should arm wrestle Addie, and who ever wins, I will do that!

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      • katie

        katie July 26, 2012, 4:32 pm

        ok, well AP might have magical hair that disappears after one wax session… i do not. i have hair that grows better then most weeds. so, after i got waxed, first of all there is a ton of redness, irratation, and swelling you might experience- not something you want on your wedding/honeymoon. so you need to know if you have that reaction, and if you do, how long it takes to go away. second, if your anything like me, the hair will just grow back that night. so, it might not even be worth it. it might not matter at all.

        anytime you get a major thing done, like waxing, or permenant makeup, or like a tattoo or a peircing or something, you should not do it near a major event. its the same line of logic that says you shouldnt make a dinner that you have never made before if your having a dinner party… waxing is unknown territory for you, so you have no idea what kind of stuff can happen.

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      • bagge72

        bagge72 July 26, 2012, 4:56 pm

        So pretty much go this week since I have just over a month left

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      • avatar

        painted_lady July 26, 2012, 4:57 pm

        I’m with you, Katie. Bagge, if it ends up that you’re allergic to one of the waxes (me), or you bleed easily (me), or you get bumpy patches (me), you’re not going to want to look like some unfortunate household pet with a skin disease on the off chance that it doesn’t go away before the wedding.

        Also, I know people who “pain manage” by knocking back a few or popping some Tylenol pm or, you know, less legal methods before getting a wax, and going in for a wax now will help you know how to deal with it.

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      • katie

        katie July 26, 2012, 8:25 pm

        love, love, love “unfortunate housepet”….. haha…

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray July 26, 2012, 5:35 pm

        i wouldn’t go with my advice because i do things sometimes — just sometimes — without thinking them through.

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson July 26, 2012, 4:11 pm

        And I’m with Katie – try it out first. But you should probably just be waxing your back every week for the rest of your life FYI. You do love your fiance right?!

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      • bagge72

        bagge72 July 26, 2012, 4:23 pm

        Well it’s not really that bad, I just have a small patch on my back that is like half the size of a dollar, and it is just weird!

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson July 26, 2012, 4:43 pm

        Alright well fine. But still I’m with Katie try it out ahead of time. You could have some crazy reaction to it.

        Confession: I have never gotten anything waxed in my life. Not eyebrows not legs not nether regions. I’m too scared. I’m a razor for life kid. Except I want to get lazer hair removal so badly!!

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      • katie

        katie July 26, 2012, 4:50 pm

        i would put waxing and getting a tattoo on the same level pain-wise. it hurt so bad!! but i have heard that laser hurts too, so… i have a NoNo.. have you heard about those? it works pretty well!

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      • MandaNoA

        MandaNoA July 26, 2012, 5:04 pm

        I get my eyebrows waxed every 2 weeks. It hurt at first but I’m really used to it now. I have to disagree with Katie. I have several tattoos and those fuckers hurt way worse than waxing but they also took a hell of a lot longer to get done than my waxing does. I have heard that the laser hurts like a bitch but I’ve never tried it myself.

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      • katie

        katie July 26, 2012, 8:26 pm

        manda, have you done a brazilian or your legs (specifically shins)? omg. that shit tattoo hurts, for real!

        maybe im a hair removal baby, though. maybe thats what it is.

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      • avatar

        painted_lady July 26, 2012, 8:29 pm

        See, and waxing, for me, is more painful than a tattoo. Waxing hurts so bad I get sick to my stomach. Tattoo? Actually not that bad.

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      • avatar

        rachel July 26, 2012, 11:53 pm

        I want to get a 2nd tattoo soon (as soon as I find an artist I like), so I’ll get a bikini wax around the same time and judge, haha.

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      • Moneypenny

        Moneypenny July 26, 2012, 1:47 pm

        San Diego! That means we are in the same state. I am currently waving in a southerly direction, can you see me?

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray July 26, 2012, 4:00 pm

        i just flashed north. you’re welcome.

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      • Moneypenny

        Moneypenny July 26, 2012, 11:42 pm

        Woohoo!

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      • Lili

        Lili July 26, 2012, 2:36 pm

        My Tan ones look (and are!) plenty big thankyouverymuch 😉

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      • avatar

        rachel July 26, 2012, 5:23 pm

        What about pink ones? Mine got pretty burnt at the lake last weekend.

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      • avatar

        rachel July 26, 2012, 5:23 pm

        I mean, the top part. I’m not a topless sunbather. The sun hates me too much for that.

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      • Lili

        Lili July 26, 2012, 5:35 pm

        I glisten in the sun. Like I have golden sparkles radiating. Its kinda cool. I told my date that tomorrow that we’re gonna have to compare arms and see who sparkles more 😉

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson July 26, 2012, 3:00 pm

        Addie – that wasn’t a tangent – that was a request for more (life) updates. Totally on topic.

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray July 26, 2012, 4:02 pm

        you’re right. it would be a tangent if i told the LW kudos for more open and direct communication – can’t have too much of that! unless you’re at the movies, then stop it. because that’s annoying. but since that’s a tangent i won’t address the LW.

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson July 26, 2012, 4:04 pm

        Fine Addie Pray. Point proven. Jerk.

        LW – I think you’re doing great. Keep it up.

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      • CatsMeow

        CatsMeow July 26, 2012, 6:20 pm

        Ugh, you GUYSSSSS – we changed office buildings and now there’s a big like window thingie right behind me that looks out into the hallway so everyone passing by can see my computer screen, which means that I can’t chat and DW all day anymore until the glass gets frosted!

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      • avatar

        Caris July 26, 2012, 10:38 pm

        @ AP I really hope you used solar protection for your bottom, otherwise OUCH, since they never saw the light of day before.

        @ Bagge You should probably try it before the wedding so you know what you are getting into. Be warned, it hurts, especially if you have a lot of hair or the hair is like kinda long. I never really had a super bad reaction to waxing, but you might get red bumps that can last for a while. I never had them last more than 1 day though. Also I don’t think you can really can compare waxing pain with tattoo pain cause they are just different kinds of pain.

        When i got my tattoo (its on my upper back on the right) it was more of a numbing pain, what was actually hurting me though was my lower back cause I was not sitting in a comfy position, which sucked. When you wax is like super painful when they pull, but after like 5 seconds the pain is gone. In both cases, putting something cold on the places that hurt helps.

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    • katie

      katie July 26, 2012, 3:17 pm

      alright, its probably a bladder infection, not a UTI… i have three days of antibiotics. im on day 2.5. and when i went to the doctor yesterday and peed in a cup, no blood came out and i was pissed, like when you take your car to the mechanic and it wont make the funny sound for him or whatever. it was lame. but i guess there was still a lot of blood in my pee even though you couldnt see it. so. i guess im ok! lol

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      • avatar

        Orca July 28, 2012, 7:29 pm

        Two words – D Mannose. You can get it at health food stores and nutrition places. It’s awesome for people who get UTI’s often.

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    • bagge72

      bagge72 July 26, 2012, 3:08 pm

      haha ok, what do you want to know!? She is addicted to shopping, and got some ridiculious coupon in the mail today for 50% off from 12-7, and went shopping on her lunch, and now is going to the when in a different town after work to get something the one in Boston didn’t have! She’s a red head and it is true they are extra sensative which I’m ok with, because she realizes it. She is addicted to John Legend, any dancing show, the biggest loser, twilight, harry potter, and anything Jillian Michael’s. She’s a lot better looking than me, but I’m trying to catch up by losing weight, and lifting, and I think she gets pleasure when I get jealous until I react, and that usually isn’t a good thing if it’s a guy hitting on her, but it is a good thing when we get home.

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      • bagge72

        bagge72 July 26, 2012, 3:33 pm

        coupon for the LOFT, and going to the one in a different town!

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  • avatar

    CattyGoLightly July 26, 2012, 1:23 pm

    I mean, good for her for having multiple in-depth conversations with her fiance about her concerns and desires!

    She’s been honest, and open, and her fiance knows what to expect. If you continue to always have this kind of communication about how everything makes you feel, then I think you’ll be OK.

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  • Moneypenny

    Moneypenny July 26, 2012, 1:51 pm

    I totally appreciate the additional updates. After all, life continues and things change, and it’s nice to hear how things turn out for the LW’s. I agree with Wendy and think it’s awesome that she and her fiance were able to have such a open, honest conversation over her concerns and their future.

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  • Fabelle

    Fabelle July 26, 2012, 2:25 pm

    Nah, you guys are TOTALLY DOOMED!

    Sorry, bad joke. I was one of the people who expressed doubts last time, but if you talked things over with your fiance AGAIN and even showed him your letters & all the reactions, then you’re probably clear. He could have used that moment to say “actually, these strangers have a point” but he didn’t. So– good!

    And for the record, I’m a fan of the multiple updates. I love updates, and updated updates, and I also love when the LWs jump into the comments. So don’t worry…we’re a curious group.

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  • katie

    katie July 26, 2012, 3:15 pm

    i think youve found a gem for yourself… i commend this guy, because im gonna be honest, i have no idea how i would react if my fiance told me that he *might* come to me one day and tell me he wanted to sleep with someone else. so congrats, it looks like you guys are on your way!

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  • avatar

    llclarityll July 26, 2012, 3:17 pm

    Really not trying to be mean here or continue the issue, but anywhere in the 1 letter and 2 updates doe she say that she loves her fiance, like really in love with him? She mentioned more than once that he loves her for who she is…

    just playing DA.

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    • avatar

      rachel July 26, 2012, 3:57 pm

      In the original letter:

      “I am 25 and getting married in three months to a perfectly amazing and wonderful man. He’s sweet, smart, thoughtful, and handsome, and we make an amazing team. We share goals and values. The only thing that doesn’t remotely match up is our sex drive (mine is abnormally high, and his is very, very, very low). Since I met him a little over three years ago, I haven’t been able to imagine my future without him. I can’t communicate enough how much I am in love with this man, and how excited I am to be marrying him.”

      really?

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