It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing today. After the jump, we hear from “Sexually Curious Bride” who wrote in last week in a panic over the thought of being forever monogamous with her soon-to-be-husband who has a much lower sex drive that she has. She wondered if she should discuss her desire to possibly open their relationship at some point or just hope that desire went away on its own. Keep reading to see what she decided.
First, I’d like to thank you and all of the commenters for some excellent advice (and some less than excellent advice that gave me a good laugh). Your insistence that this is something I need to discuss with my fiance sooner than later was absolutely right. Second, I’d like to clarify some things.
At least one person suggested that it sounds like cold feet, and they’re absolutely right. Making a lifelong commitment is a little scary, but I know myself well enough to know that I’m ready.
What sparked this major monogamy panic attack is that I developed a crush on someone. It hadn’t happened since I got together with my fiance and I panicked and wasn’t sure how to handle it. However, it has faded (as crushes do) and allowed me to think through my desires in a more clear-headed way.
On thinking things through a lot, I’ve come to realize that while I may not always want to be monogamous (and I’ll get to the conversation I had with my fiance in a minute), I also don’t truly want an open relationship right at this moment. We are about to get married and I only want two people involved in the beginning of this particular journey. We can renegotiate our terms later if need be. That being said: I wasn’t worried about our relationship ending just because I want an open relationship and he doesn’t. That’s not how we work. I knew that we’d talk about it and come to a decision together. If it’s something he doesn’t want, then I’m willing to forgo it for the sake of him and us. But I did want to talk about it and I wanted to find the best, most loving way to approach it without him thinking I’m not happy with him. My thoughts were pretty disjointed when I wrote (I was still in panic mode), and I wasn’t clear about that, or anything else really.
He and I have always had pretty open communication about our vastly different sex drives, and are currently working on finding out if there is a root cause or if it’s just the way things are. It’s not like a big elephant in the room that we just don’t bring up. But it’s also not something he can just change about himself (unless we do find a medical cause). He can’t just ‘get himself in the mood’ so we can have sex more often. His anatomy doesn’t work like that. We are working on finding other ways to compromise, but that isn’t realistically one of them. In the meantime, I masturbate a whole lot and the majority of the time, I’m perfectly satisfied with that.
After I had cleared my head and figured out what it is I actually wanted, I did talk to my fiance. It’s a discussion we’ve actually had before, but I felt the need to reiterate it (last time we were both intoxicated, so it doesn’t count). I told him that though I am happy being just us right now, at some point I may want to open our relationship and I wanted to feel free to talk to him about that, be it a year from now or ten. I also told him that he is my first priority and always will be. The discussion wasn’t the end of our relationship now, and it won’t be the end of our relationship when we talk about it again in the future. And that’s because he’s amazing.
Thanks again for giving me the kick in the ass I needed to organize my thoughts and talk to my man already. I needed it, and I feel a whole lot better being back to knowing I can tell him anything.
That’s awesome. I’m so glad you handled the situation thoughtfully and responsibly and you two will proceed with what works best for you as a couple, regardless of how such a decision may work for the majority of other couples. Good luck!
If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at email@example.com with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.