Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Updates: “Still Hurting” Responds

It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today, we hear from “Still Hurting” who wondered whether she should tell her boyfriend who got her pregnant that she lied about having a miscarriage and, in fact, had an abortion. Keep reading to see what she decided to do.

I wrote to you asking for advice about secretly aborting my boyfriend’s child and how unsupported I felt because he was going to leave me if he knew. Well, he knew already without me telling him. After your advice, things did not get better. We got back together for a short time (three months), but then one day he dropped me off at work and was not heard from or seen again for seven months. At this point I was shocked. We fell out pretty bad.

Seven months later we are now on speaking terms again. He is still pushing for us to have a baby even though we aren’t officially together and we still live with our parents. I am a full-time college student, and I work a dead-end $8.59 per-hour job. Having an abortion was the best choice for me, but I did not think I’d be so depressed. When you have an abortion, you do need support, and I had no one to talk to. I wanted to die back then, but I’m happy now. I know that I couldn’t give the child what he or she deserved at the time. I am almost finished with my degree and will be moving out of my mom’s house this year. I’m truly happy.

 
I’m glad you’re happy, but I hope you’ll wait until you are in a secure, committed relationship and are financially independent before even entertaining the idea of parenthood. In the meantime, please use protection.

***************

If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at wendy@dearwendy.com with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.

You can follow me on Facebook here and sign up for my weekly newsletter here.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

51 comments… add one
  • avatar

    lets_be_honest March 11, 2013, 2:05 pm

    Wait, what was his reaction? How did he know already? Disappearing for 7 months?! Why are you even talking to him again? And why does he still want a baby with you even though you aren’t even a couple (or done with school, or living on together, or at least out of your parents’ houses?)

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  • avatar

    GatorGirl March 11, 2013, 2:11 pm

    What? Why are you letting him back in your life? Please DO NOT have a baby!!!!

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  • iwannatalktosampson

    Iwannatalktosampson March 11, 2013, 2:13 pm

    This is such an incomplete update – I was hoping for so much more after re-reading the initial letter. The comments in the original were really interesting to go back and read a year later. For 1 I was still commenting under a different name – and 2 I wish I would have commented more because I had/have a lot to say on the subject and 3 – John and LBH I am on your team!

    Anyway I hope that along with protection you cease and desex contact with this individual. You say you’re happy – and I want to believe you. But part of being happy is having enough self esteem to not allow yourself to be walked all over – and by speaking to someone again that clearly has zero respect for you is not exactly what I would call having self esteem.

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    • avatar

      lets_be_honest March 11, 2013, 2:14 pm

      John? I went back too and saw your old name and picture. Ahh, memories.

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    • avatar

      Addie Pray March 11, 2013, 2:26 pm

      I read back over the comments – there were a lot of commenters I dont’ see anymore. Tracy, where did you go? And Silver Dragon? And Caitiedidn’t? and…. BUDJYPOO!

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest March 11, 2013, 2:37 pm

        Yea, I noticed caitiedidn’t. Where’d she go? Where do all of you go? Budg? jk?

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle March 11, 2013, 3:19 pm

        Seriously, like are they just lurkers now? I want to know!

        I promise if I ever get a job where I’m actually doing work… I’ll let you all know before falling off the face of the earth, haha. I miss everybody!

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      • avatar

        MissDre March 11, 2013, 3:27 pm

        I miss SpaceBoy the most. He was hilarious.

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  • CatsMeow

    CatsMeow March 11, 2013, 2:18 pm

    Weirdest update ever?

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    • avatar

      ktfran March 11, 2013, 2:29 pm

      With one of Wendy’s best comments ever, “In the meantime, pleae use protection.”

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  • avatar

    MMcG March 11, 2013, 2:20 pm

    LW – aim higher. This douche is not worth your time.

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  • thewriteway

    thewriteway March 11, 2013, 2:31 pm

    What everyone said. Nothing burns me more than someone who has a baby they can’t support. Please don’t get pregnant when you clearly can’t handle it!

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  • landygirl

    landygirl March 11, 2013, 2:31 pm

    LW, if you’re still with this clown then quit him and MOA. How much misery do you want out of one relationship?

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  • avatar

    You Go Girl March 11, 2013, 2:31 pm

    Congratulations to the LW for finishing her degree program in spite of the emotional turmoil and making plans to move out on her own! I am also very glad that the LW is coming to terms with her abortion and is much happier now.

    This guy (the so-called boyfriend) is a total jerk who drops in and out of the LW’s life at his own convenience, with no concern for the LW’s needs or feelings. He knew about the abortion all along, and offered her no emotional support. Then he dropped off the face of the earth for seven months with no explanation, but now he is pressuring her to have another baby will not even commit to being her boyfriend?

    The LW is now a grown woman who is nearly finished with college. Her desire for marriage and family is a very good thing, but I want to tell her to please do not have a baby with this man. He is a selfish bum who cares only about himself, and if you do get pregnant there is the overwhelming possibility that he will run again. The LW deserves a man who loves her and cares for her.

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    • iwannatalktosampson

      Iwannatalktosampson March 11, 2013, 2:37 pm

      I agree that he’s a shitty person – but people treat you the way you allow yourself to be treated. The fact that she keeps allowing him back in her life says frankly more about her than him.

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      • avatar

        ktfran March 11, 2013, 2:44 pm

        If I could, I would like this a bazillion times. Preach iwtts!

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark March 11, 2013, 2:57 pm

        Yes, I say this all the time when people complain about their best friend’s piece of shit boyfriends. The poor dear friend is always just SOOOOOOO wonderful… If only… if only she’d get over this awful piece of shit in her life. But, sadly, more often than not — Mr. Piece of Shit is eventually replaced by (surprise, surprise!) Mr. Even Bigger and More Obvious Piece of Shit… The problem is not with the shit — but the friend — who is simply an idiot allbeit a nice one at that. But still, an idiot nonetheless…

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      • avatar

        Boosker March 11, 2013, 9:39 pm

        The fault, Dear Brutus, lies not in our pieces of shit but in ourselves.

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      • avatar

        BreezyAM March 13, 2013, 12:51 am

        Yes let us victim blame more! it must be fabulous to have choice of sexy intelligent decent kind men at one’s disposal. Alas, poor LW! She should be more fabulous to attract them more!

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  • Fabelle

    Fabelle March 11, 2013, 2:31 pm

    Okaaaay, what? First of all—what the hell, I didn’t comment on the original?? (And I’m pretty sure I’d started commenting by then) I agree with IWTTS, the debates were super interesting to go back & re-read.

    But anyway…I have more questions than comments for this update. Like, HOW did you know that “he already knew”? Did he say he knew? “By the way, I know you aborted our baby!!!”

    And what’s up with the “he disappeared for 7 months & now he wants to make another child with me” thing? Which, definitely, definitely, DON’T DO. Again: DO NOT HAVE A BABY WITH HIM. Besides the fact that you’re both still living with your parents without any lucrative income, it’s generally ~not~ a very good idea to have a baby with somebody who is prone to fucking DISAPPEARING for months at a time?

    Sorry I’m yelling. But for realz, wtf.

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    • avatar

      lets_be_honest March 11, 2013, 2:39 pm

      I’d be scared to have sex with this guy. Seems like the type that might poke a hole in the condom or something…and then lock you in the basement so you can’t have an abortion.

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  • bittergaymark

    bittergaymark March 11, 2013, 2:32 pm

    What was stranger? This update? Or Wendy’s blase’ response? (Sorry, Wendy. But you were way too mellow about this one… 😉 )

    NEWSFLASH: Anybody who wants you to have a baby with them while you both live with your respective parents is simply NOT somebody worth your time. Seriously. He wasn’t there when you needed him — even though he KNEW that you were knocked up. He knew and just what? Remained silent? How fucked up is that? Please just end things with this dolt. They ended once already — only a fool would start them up again. Stop playing the fool — it’s a dreary role few women tire of quickly enough. (Read Dear Wendy daily if you don’t believe me. There’s a fool a day here at Dear Wendy. Hell, today we are two for two!) MOA. And for the love of God — immediately go on birth control AND use a condom!! Don’t keep reprising the worst moments of your life! Far too many people seem to constantly do that as well…

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    • avatar

      MMcG March 11, 2013, 5:48 pm

      The word dolt is just not used enough!!

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      • avatar

        anonymous March 12, 2013, 9:55 am

        I like “dunderhead” myself. I think I’ll use that one more often.

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  • avatar

    Grilledcheesecalliope March 11, 2013, 2:35 pm

    What? No, he knew and still offered no support or reassurance? He dropped you off somewhere other than your home and then disappeared for months? He wants to impregnate you while you live with your parents and are underemployed? No just no. Get thee to a therapist or abortion support group, finish school (congrats btw), move out, build self esteem and good habits, then maybe go find someone to have a baby with.

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  • avatar

    Lindsay March 11, 2013, 2:39 pm

    You should stop talking to this guy. If he fell off the face of the earth for seven months and you guys aren’t even dating now (which you shouldn’t be), why would talking about having a baby together even be a thing?

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  • avatar

    Amanda March 11, 2013, 2:41 pm

    “One day he dropped me off at work and was not heard from or seen again for seven months.”

    Umm, WTF? LW, why would you ever speak to this loser again? Can you imagine if you had a baby and he did this to you?

    Good luck with everything LW. I’m glad that you’re happy and I hope that that happiness includes doubling or tripling up on birth control methods with future, non-loser sex partners.

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  • LK7889

    LK7889 March 11, 2013, 2:42 pm

    Wtf? This update raises more questions than the original letter did!

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  • Kate B.

    Kate B. March 11, 2013, 2:53 pm

    Sounds like it was a good thing you didn’t have a child with this man. He has shown himself to be flighty, immature and irresponsible. You get back together and he disappears for seven months? I am wondering why you are even speaking to him. How do you know he won’t ditch you and the baby, should you have one? Please consider what Wendy says and wait to have a baby until you are independent, stable and with someone who is better father material. You’re young. There’s plenty of time to have a baby. What’s the rush?

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  • avatar

    Marcie March 11, 2013, 3:05 pm

    I love how she doesn’t even say whether or not she’s considering having another child with this guy. I understand her wanting closure with someone she hadn’t seen in 7 months, but she needs to be strong and stay away from him!

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  • bagge72

    bagge72 March 11, 2013, 2:08 pm

    I don’t get it. There is a big difference between being on speaking terms, and talking about having a baby together. Just cut all contact with this guy, there is no need to have him in your life, and he is not good father material.

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  • avatar

    6napkinburger March 11, 2013, 3:16 pm

    Are there guys who want to have babies with women they don’t like very much, better yet love? Why on EARTH would you want to have a baby with him, and why on earth would he want to have a baby with you? I understand there are cultural differences regarding having babies young and unmarried and seen as an inevitable part of having sex, but really? that people are trying to have a child like this? Don’t understand at all

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    • avatar

      MMcG March 11, 2013, 5:51 pm

      Yes, sadly I’ve heard of various classes of men that seek to impregnant women as a sign of their manliness. Sometimes it’s even a competition. It’s all very old fashioned and shittastic… Humanity is a terrible thing sometimes 🙁

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  • avatar

    Essie March 11, 2013, 3:20 pm

    What in the holy……

    Why do you WANT to have anything to do with this tool? Let alone have a baby with him? He dropped you off at work and disappeared for 7 months and you’re still speaking to him? Why?

    OK, yes, I know you’re probably telling yourself that he disappeared for 7 months because he was devastated by the abortion. It doesn’t matter if he was. A mature, normal adult doesn’t react that way. A mature normal adult sits you down and says “dear, I’m just so torn up after learning that you had an abortion that I don’t think I can continue in the relationship. I need some time to think through all this.”

    You now have a real-life example of how he reacts to stressful life experiences and/or problems in the relationship. He runs. Is that what you want in a partner? Someone who abandons you when there’s trouble? What happens if you marry and have a baby and god forbid, your child becomes terribly ill someday. Is he gonna be there for you? Is he going to be there for his child? Or is he gonna go walkabout for half a year because he can’t deal?

    If you can’t count on him to be there for you, and handle problems like an adult, what’s the point of being in a relationship with him?

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    • avatar

      MissDre March 11, 2013, 3:30 pm

      Go walkabout… I love that expression! Now I feel like watching Crocodile Dundee!

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    • FireStar

      FireStar March 11, 2013, 3:36 pm

      I had a friend whose loser husband couldn’t take stress and when their baby needed to go to emergency in the middle of the night because her breathing was laboured he LOCKED HIMSELF IN THE BATHROOM WITH THE CAR KEYS because it was all “too much” for him. My other friend had to drive to her city (about an hour away) and then take the mother and baby to the hospital since jackass was still in the bathroom refusing to come out or open the door to give her the keys.

      It is so important to know the character of someone you are having children with and you are so right Essie – all she knows for sure is he runs.

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      • avatar

        MissDre March 11, 2013, 3:37 pm

        That’s fucked up.

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      • FireStar

        FireStar March 11, 2013, 3:56 pm

        Yep. She stayed with him – had two more kids – they didn’t have any money because he couldn’t work – she had the only income which was commission based so not steady. She would come home to collections notices plastered all over her door and they had no heat for at least two winters so the children would wear their winter clothes inside and they would all sleep in the living room together. But he refused to declare bankruptcy and she refused to leave.
        And then a couple of years ago he accidentally ran over a child that darted into traffic and now they are facing a multi-million dollar lawsuit. No good came of being with that man.

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      • avatar

        bethany March 11, 2013, 4:18 pm

        omg. I am speechless.

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        Iwannatalktosampson March 11, 2013, 4:22 pm

        I need to know more about this story.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark March 11, 2013, 6:07 pm

        NEWSFLASH: Your friend then is THE REAL idiot here. The guy is a loser and — probably seriously and sincerely mentally ill. He is a total mess. But it is your IDIOT of a friend who not only CHOSE to stay with him, but to have more kids with him… Honestly? There is a special place in hell for places like her… Burn, bitch, burn. What a moron… Talk about creating all of your own problems… Honestly, FireStar? Why would you ever be friends with such trash?

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      • FireStar

        FireStar March 11, 2013, 9:02 pm

        I agree she is an idiot to stay and to continue to have kids with him….but she isn’t trash. She made mistakes. Lots of them – that now adversely affect her and her kids…which are the true victims in all of this. We told her to walk – for ten years we were telling her to walk – to declare bankruptcy – that would have been off her record by now…to walk away from the house she couldn’t afford and rent an apartment and build back slowly…but people insist on that whole free will thing. I went through all the legals with her so she would know exactly what she needed to do and how she could get out from under things – but no dice. There does come a point were you say that is “too bad but you brought it on yourself hon.” She’s really a friend of my best friend – so someone I can chat with when I see her but let’s just say no one was calling me in the middle of the night to take the baby to emergency. My best friend has given her thousands of dollars over the years trying to “help” and for all that money – and she won’t even tell me the exact amount because I’ll yell at her – there is nothing to show. It didn’t make a dent – it just kept the girl’s head above the water for a little while. Finally I convinced my friend to stop trying to help her with money – it wasn’t working and it wasn’t fair. When I look at the girl’s family they are all a mess with their finances too so it’s easy to see where she got it from – like going into massive debt for a huge over the top wedding or living large with no savings when her commissions were high – over a decade ago… and no one being the voice of reason to say – screw the Irish family coming over from Ireland you do not need top shelf Whiskey for them at your wedding. The liquor bill alone was almost 5 figures.

        It’s sad for the kids – which is the reason my best friend kept giving money I think. She picked the wrong guy to hitch her star to…and didn’t leave when she should have. People make mistakes – apparently over ten years worth of them… wishing her ill doesn’t help… eventually they have to realize on their own what they need to do. All you can do is offer a voice of reason when they are willing to hear it.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest March 12, 2013, 9:16 am

        So strange when someone’s offered a life raft and doesn’t take it. I’ll never understand that.

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl March 11, 2013, 3:45 pm

        Why didn’t they call 911?

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      • FireStar

        FireStar March 11, 2013, 3:49 pm

        I have no idea – she thought she would get charged for it if it wasn’t an emergency and couldn’t afford the $100. But I’m thinking baby not breathing = emergency. Then again “my husband is laying bleeding on the bathroom floor” might be an emergency too… which is how it would have played out for me.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest March 11, 2013, 3:52 pm

        Having a baby and can’t afford $100 charge? Boy this just keeps getting better. Jeez.
        Lol’d at the husband bleeding comment.

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl March 11, 2013, 3:53 pm

        honestly I would have broke down the damn door if it was my child. I would have walked to the hospital, woke up the neighbor, put the ambulance fee on a credit card whatever. I would have lost on the guy in this situation. No one messes with my not yet conceived child.

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      • FireStar

        FireStar March 11, 2013, 4:31 pm

        They bill you about a month later here…and only under certain circumstances. So ambulance and a firetruck shows up whenever you call 911 for a medical emergency and then they help you. If you abused the system or aren’t covered by helath care (you aren’t a resident) then they’ll bill you later… but they will still take you to the hospital.

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      • avatar

        bethany March 11, 2013, 3:46 pm

        wtf.
        Insane.

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  • avatar

    LW March 20, 2013, 8:29 pm

    Hello.

    Im the LW

    I’m not sure how he knew. He just assumed I had an abortion and disappeared for a few months. And yes, Im on BC. I got my implanon inserted right after i had my abortion. My implanon last for 3 yrs. I dont want kids. He does. I’m not sure really. He wanst kids but I’m under the impression he doesn’t care who he knocks up. Even though things are better in my life I’m not in kid mode right now. Me and him text on oocasion. There are no plans on us getting back together

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  • avatar

    Crazy in Love June 25, 2013, 12:53 pm

    I’m guessing you both are really young. First thing… the abortion. Yes, you needed support but somehow you managed to deal with your emotions/feeling and you are finally happy now. Kudos to you! Secondly, this guy abandons you and now you are kind of seeing him and he wants you to have his baby (but you’re not really “together”). Sweetheart, that is the most ridiculous and immature thing to even consider. Your first mistake was talking to him again. You have a low paying job, you live with your parents, and you’re trying to get through school… not exactly a great situation to bring a baby into the mix. And his emotional maturity/intellect must be that of a peanut, otherwise he would not be asking you to have a child. You’d be better off to dump his ass and go on with your happy life. Why you want to confuse things right now??

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