Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Updates: “Sucker-Punched” Responds

It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today, we hear from “Sucker-Punched” whose boyfriend cheated on her with his wife (yes, you read that right) after borrowing a large sum of money from her that he had yet to repay. Keep reading to see whether she heeded my advice to MOA.

Several months later…..
We are still together. We’ve talked a lot, fought a fair amount, compromised some on each side, gotten older sadder kinder and wiser, talked to individual therapists and gone together to therapists. We made rules about not drinking and fighting, not texting and fighting, not breaking up or walking out in a fight (“fight in safety”), and calling time-outs before a fight escalates.I’ve read a ton of books and articles, and here is where we stand: Under everything we have a deep and abiding love for each other. We have significant differences. We are both very controlling, the more so when stressed. He has gone through the fire (failed marriage, bankrupcy, seriously compromising his own morals and integrity under stress, betraying people on multiple levels) and come out humbled and raw. I have passed through hatred anger and despair and come out feeling ok about myself and ok about him. He has done everything I could possibly have asked, including paying me back in full, giving me more space, standing by when I have attacks of rage or hurt of despair, answering all my questions, and talking, talking, talking.

Most days we are pretty happy, many days were are very happy, and the ugly days are ever further apart.
It’s worth more time and effort. We are both better people for having known each other and tried so hard.

 
Well, I wish you the best of luck. It sounds like a ton of work, but if you’re happy and feel the relationship is worth the investment, then that’s what matters most.

***************

If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at wendy@dearwendy.com with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.

You can follow me on Facebook here and sign up for my weekly newsletter here.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

62 comments… add one
  • avatar

    lets_be_honest January 17, 2013, 1:03 pm

    In the words of my grandma, Good God!

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  • theattack

    theattack January 17, 2013, 1:06 pm

    This sounds like way too much work for a relationship with a rocky past. But if LW is happy…

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    • LM

      LM January 17, 2013, 3:16 pm

      The end says they’re happy, but the update doesn’t sound happy. Some people thrive on drama and it seems like these people would thrive on it…

      And yes, way too much!

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    • avatar

      HmC January 17, 2013, 5:13 pm

      Drug addicts who are high are happy. That doesn’t make them healthy.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest January 17, 2013, 5:23 pm

        Oh snap! Good one.

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  • Lianne

    Lianne January 17, 2013, 1:06 pm

    I guess if it works for ya, it works for ya. I am exhausted just reading the update, though!

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  • avatar

    lemongrass January 17, 2013, 1:08 pm

    I’m exhausted just reading that.

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  • avatar

    jlyfsh January 17, 2013, 1:08 pm

    Interesting….. Is he actually divorced now?

    Weird update. I think the LW writes romance novels for a living.

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    • avatar

      sarita_f January 17, 2013, 5:00 pm

      Or wants to. Perhaps this is part of her marketing?

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  • avatar

    kerrycontrary January 17, 2013, 1:12 pm

    This guy sounds like a real winner! “compromising his own morals and integrity under stress, betraying people on multiple levels”…I’d love the juicy details on that one.

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    • Diablo

      Diablo January 17, 2013, 3:11 pm

      Doesn’t she mean unprotected sex with the wife, telling her secret stuff about the LW, etc?

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  • Fabelle

    Fabelle January 17, 2013, 1:13 pm

    Wendy’s right, that all sound like a LOT of work, but I hope the effort is equal, & that you’re each *actually* communicating using the tactics you described (because what else would be the point?)

    As an additional note, I looked back to the original letter & want to just say that your response is appreciated! I love how you addressed practically everybody.

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  • avatar

    lucy January 17, 2013, 1:14 pm

    WELL! that wasn’t dramatic at all!

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  • avatar

    Sistine January 17, 2013, 1:15 pm

    But is he still married to/seeing his ex-wife?

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  • Lili

    Lili January 17, 2013, 1:16 pm

    Talk about choosing the harder path. Oh well. Some people thrive on needless suffering and hardship. As long as you don’t take it out on others I guess.

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    • avatar

      kerrycontrary January 17, 2013, 1:27 pm

      yeh, like her 4 kids. She’s recently divorced with 4 children and date a drama king. Way to set a great example of a healthy relationship for your children. It’s not like she can possibly hide all of this crazy from her children.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest January 17, 2013, 1:31 pm

        awful. “attacks of rage” wtf

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      • Lili

        Lili January 17, 2013, 1:57 pm

        OH OH OH. I just had a thought. This sounds like some of the parents on Teen Mom. So, LW is your kid on that show?

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest January 17, 2013, 1:59 pm

        Yesterday you said you type how you talk and it totally comes through. I love that. I always retype after typing how I would say something bc I feel like it won’t come across correctly.

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      • Lili

        Lili January 17, 2013, 2:14 pm

        I sound a lot lke Mindy Kaling (from the office and Mindy project) borderline valley girl that amps up if i’m excited or drinking…don’t judge! Haha.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest January 17, 2013, 2:19 pm

        Peter says I take on other people’s accents, including valley girl, if I spend more than an hour with them. My sister talks very valley girl and if we talk, I spend the rest of the day talking like her. I’m like Madonna when she took on the british accent!

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      • Lili

        Lili January 17, 2013, 2:33 pm

        I do that TOO! And I always hope that the person doesn’t think I’m mimicking them. Its NOT intentional or mean I swear!

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      • avatar

        painted_lady January 17, 2013, 2:22 pm

        Well, I adore Mindy Kaling (Mindy Project is SO WONDERFUL), so that’s really kind of awesome.

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      • Lili

        Lili January 17, 2013, 2:35 pm

        Its HILARIOUS when she says a line that I’ve actually said to my friends before. The one that had us all roaring with laughter is when she said something after meeting the other Indian girl about how there are a billion of us. I say that ALL the time when people here are like OO are you friends with so and so, she’s Indian.

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      • avatar

        kerrycontrary January 17, 2013, 2:47 pm

        Janelle from teen mom is pregnant again. A girl whose current child is under her mother’s custody right now is bringing another child into the world. License to breed people, License to breed.

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      • avatar

        jlyfsh January 17, 2013, 2:49 pm

        well kerry she’s married now so obviously she’s ready, right?

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      • avatar

        kerrycontrary January 17, 2013, 3:06 pm

        Here’s my proposed license to breed qualifications (and judge away for me being a snob): Can you (or your spouse) financially support your kids? You need health insurance. You need a place to live that is not your parents/siblings/friends house. You should be able to afford the baby stuff. You need some sort of education/trade/life skills. You should not currently be incarcerated. You should not have a baby if you are currently an addict. You should not have a baby if you have temporarily lost custody of your other children. You should not have a baby if you have not graduated high school. You should not have a baby if you would spend more time focusing on your fucked up relationship with a SO than on your child.

        I know that people have babies all the time and things work out fine without this stuff, but seriously, children would have better lives if parents had to meet some sort of basic qualifications.

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      • avatar

        jlyfsh January 17, 2013, 3:08 pm

        haha no i agree, i think it’s funny because she and leah both used being married now as why it’s ok. like bam you’re married definitely ready for kids! 😉

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      • I'm An Earth Rocker!

        Vicious Delicious January 17, 2013, 11:37 pm

        “You need a license to drive, fish……yet any asshole can be a parent….”-paraphrasing Keanu Reeve’s character in Parenthood….

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  • FireStar

    FireStar January 17, 2013, 1:21 pm

    Oh dear.

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  • avatar

    SallyS January 17, 2013, 1:27 pm

    Goodness. Well … more power to you!

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  • Just Max

    Just Max January 17, 2013, 1:31 pm

    What?!

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  • iwannatalktosampson

    iwannatalktosampson January 17, 2013, 1:32 pm

    Worst update ever. Where are both of your divorces at? Is he still banging his wife? Whatever happened with her harassment? How are your kids doing? How is his daughter doing?

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    • katie

      katie January 17, 2013, 1:43 pm

      seriously- this isnt disney! we dont want to hear about happily ever after!!

      im half way joking. kind of. lol

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    • avatar

      Addie Pray January 17, 2013, 2:22 pm

      And to think, you gave her such a nice comment on the original letter!

      Reading over this letter was fun – it’s where I first developed the my “text” rule – move on immediately if texts are mentioned more than 3 times….. Which is ironic because that night (Aug. 23) my now boyfriend asked me out on our very first date VIA TEXT, AWWWWWW.

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      • katie

        katie January 17, 2013, 2:24 pm

        bahaha.. oh, oh the irony!

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson January 17, 2013, 2:28 pm

        I KNOW! I re-read my comment and was like holy moly someone must have been having a good day.

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  • avatar

    EB January 17, 2013, 1:52 pm

    Lame. I guess some people don’t grow up they just grow old…

    But seriously LW, this is not a good look for anyone especially a mother of four.

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  • avatar

    MissDre January 17, 2013, 2:13 pm

    All I can say is, better her than me. I could never handle a relationship with all that drama.

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  • avatar

    Addie Pray January 17, 2013, 2:18 pm

    I really, really, really, really hope this guy is amazing in bed because otherwise I just don’t see what he is bringing to the table that is worth all that work!

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  • avatar

    Vathena January 17, 2013, 2:36 pm

    I want to know where this LW lives, because it must be a place where they have more hours in the day.

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  • TaraMonster

    TaraMonster January 17, 2013, 2:42 pm

    I’m willing to bet this LW is one of those irritating social networking people who puts all their business on FB in dramatic status updates.

    “My soul is crushed. I can’t believe the love of my life would do this to me.”

    And then there are like five people who comment with sad face emoticons and write “Is everything ok?” in varying degrees of grammatical correctness.

    And then she writes back thanking everyone for their support and love during difficult times.

    And then she has a friend like me sitting at work, rolling her eyes to the high heavens, wishing she would STFU and/or stop creating drama in her life. And then I resolve not to check FaceBook for a month! And when I get back on a month later- there she is doing it again and I decide to hide her from my feed…. oh wait I’m talking about two people on my friends list: one of my best friends from high school, and my mother’s cousin. Whoops!

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    • avatar

      lemongrass January 17, 2013, 2:58 pm

      I bet, before thanking them for their support she first says she “doesn’t want to talk about her vague facebook status”

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest January 17, 2013, 3:00 pm

        I hate people like that. Either dish the dirt or stop waving the drama carrot!

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      • Cassie

        CassieB January 17, 2013, 11:59 pm

        I definitely think that will have to be my reply the next time someone does this on my fb feed.

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      • avatar

        jlyfsh January 17, 2013, 3:01 pm

        i also love the i’d rather not say on facebook, can i text/message you? some people looooove drama.

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      • avatar

        kerrycontrary January 17, 2013, 3:08 pm

        “Is everything ok” “no, everything’s horrible”–this and my wild imagination has led me to think that one of my high school friend’s husbands cheated on her. Is this the case? Probably not. But with more or less information all would be cleared up.

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    • avatar

      GatorGirl January 17, 2013, 3:08 pm

      UGH I hate people like that. I used to be one until I realized no cares about my shit and it’s so lame to put those crazy elusive statuses up. I used to put lyrics up all the time when I was in college. Thank goodness that phase is over!

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      • avatar

        MissDre January 17, 2013, 4:29 pm

        Yeah me too. Now I’m so glad I got rid of Facebook.

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  • Kate B.

    Kate B. January 17, 2013, 2:49 pm

    Somehow I missed this original letter. Looking at the date, I see I was on vacation. I turn my back on DW for one day!!! Now, I’ll just repeat something I’va said before: my life is just too dull.

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  • avatar

    Lindsay January 17, 2013, 3:10 pm

    I think the LW is mistaking drama for something poetic and glamorous. But if she wants to live in a poem instead of actual life, that’s her choice.

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    • Diablo

      Diablo January 17, 2013, 3:17 pm

      Love is a poem, babe. I’d sure as hell rather live in one. I’m sadder and wiser now than when I believed that could come true. But I still long for it. Don’t ever’buddy?

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  • Diablo

    Diablo January 17, 2013, 3:16 pm

    Everybody makes mistakes, and everyone is entitled to some degree of forgiveness when they admit their errors. Could I have forgiven what the LW forgave? Not a chance in hell. Does her decision to do so make her a better person than me? Could be. All relationships require a degree of faith, and maybe she has faith to burn. Will she get burned again? Only time will tell. She’s old enough to decide for herself. I’ve decided to put this one in my “Faith in the Goodness of People” folder, and just hope for the best. Best of luck, LW.

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  • avatar

    Sue Jones January 17, 2013, 3:25 pm

    Hey, it sure wouldn’t be my cup of tea, but if LW is happy, then I wish them the best!

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  • avatar

    sarolabelle January 17, 2013, 3:51 pm

    this is just strange….she doesn’t sound happy. Why is she putting so much effort into this relationship? I just don’t get it….

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  • bittergaymark

    Bittergaymark January 17, 2013, 6:26 pm

    I’ll only say this… I dunno. I guess you two truly deserve each other… At least, I sure hope so. If not? Yikes. Well, let’s not even bother to go there, okay?

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    • avatar

      MsMisery January 18, 2013, 1:48 pm

      Yeah. Saves them from being with people who DON’T deserve all that mess.

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  • avatar

    bethany January 17, 2013, 7:35 pm

    This update makes me sad… The LW commented on the original letter and she sounded like she was really taking everything we said to heart and was going to do some serious thinking/reevaluating… And then we read this… Oh well, can’t win ’em all, I guess.

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  • landygirl

    landygirl January 17, 2013, 9:18 pm

    Some people thrive on drama and it seems the LW is one of them.

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  • avatar

    Marcie January 18, 2013, 9:37 am

    I am assuming the LW is still separated from her husband. If she’s so in love with someone else, shouldn’t she be looking into getting a divorce? She can’t make the commitment he so desperately wants without a divorce.

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    • avatar

      Marcie January 18, 2013, 9:48 am

      Nevermind, I just read her response in the original letter.

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  • avatar

    Ali January 21, 2013, 12:15 am

    What the hellllllll…this LW sounds delusional. You’re not a saint for working out the problems, and you’re wasting your time trying to fix someone when you clearly need to focus on fixing your self esteem and figuring out why you would want to stay with someone whose morals are so severely compromised. This update sounds like you’re doing a style writing exercise on Shakespeare and/or the Twilight series, and I am willing to bet that it’s more wishful thinking than accurate reflection to say that “the ugly days are ever further apart.” Please let me know how that works out for you, Scarlett O’Hara.

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