Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Updates: “Take Two” Responds

It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing today. After the jump, we hear from “Take Two,” who had recently reunited with a ex-boyfriend but started having doubts again when she learned he continued to date the woman he once cheated on her with. Find out whether she decided to keep seeing him or to dump him, after the jump.

All the comments that everyone wrote in really made me think. A lot of people had great points about the reasons he would’ve continued to see the other girl, and why that wasn’t necessarily any kind of affront to me. While I agreed with their reasoning, it was still really bothering me. I started to think about why it was that it bothered me so much, and why I was okay with “my boyfriend cheated on me with another girl cause he was horny,” but not okay with “my boyfriend cheated on me with another girl because he was actually legitimately interested in her.” And the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I wasn’t okay with either. Whether he did it and was extremely remorseful, or did it and then was kinda excited to be banging a new girl, I wasn’t okay with it. When I picture my life’s great love story, there is no part that involves “and then he got a BJ in his car from a random girl”–its just not something I want to be involved with. In retrospect, I was really clinging to the mitigating factors in the incident and trying to be on his side because I loved him. When I found out that some of the mitigating factors that I was holding onto weren’t actually reality, it became extremely hard for me to still try to make it okay in my mind.

So, to make a long story short, I broke up with him. It hasn’t been easy, and we’ve still had more contact than I would like to admit, but I am doing really well and know that I am making the right decision. I realized that so much of the hurt that I was feeling came from the sense that I wasn’t enough for him, and the feeling that at any time he might meet a girl that he thought was hotter or cooler and want to be with her instead. I have always had high self-esteem, but it really suffered in the tail end of our relationship. Even in the past few weeks of being single, I have been amazed by the amount of male attention I have been getting, and how much guys really want to put in the effort to impress me and take me out. I hadn’t fully realized that I had internalized the idea that I wasn’t enough to hold a guy’s interest. About two weeks ago, I met a guy through mutual friends who is really cute and more of a gentleman that any guy I’ve ever been with. He has been extremely clear that he thinks I’m beautiful and awesome, and has planned a date for us later this week. I’m not putting too much stock in it, because its just a date, but it is really nice to be reminded that there are other guys out there that would be honored to give you their full attention. Thank you everyone for their extremely helpful input 🙂

 
Thanks for the update!

If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at wendy@dearwendy.com with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.

18 comments… add one
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    artsygirl June 22, 2011, 12:15 pm

    Congrats LW – it sounds like you made the decision that was healthiest for you.

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    BoomChakaLaka June 22, 2011, 12:18 pm

    Awesome update. Honestly, the issues you realized you were struggling with sounds like a page right out of my last relationship. But your phrase: “When I picture my life’s great love story, there is no part that involves “and then he got a BJ in his car from a random girl”–its just not something I want to be involved with” honestly hit the nail on the head. It was the reason why I decided to get out. I just couldn’t see myself having a future with a guy who hurt me that bad in the past, not to mention the subsequent episodes of insecurity.

    Best of luck in your new dating life!

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      kerrycontrary June 22, 2011, 12:37 pm

      I agree, it’s such a great line and the LW must’ve really thought hard about this situation.

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      SpaceySteph June 22, 2011, 12:55 pm

      Yup! Totally not the story you tell your grandkids.
      Grandson: Grandma tell us again about the time Grampa got a BJ in his car from that rando!
      Granddaughter: Yeah! Tell it again!

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      • leilani

        leilani June 22, 2011, 3:31 pm

        Hahaha, yeah. And then I get to say “But after he got done banging her for a few months, he was sooo sorry!! Isn’t that romantic??”…not interested!

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      • TaraMonster

        TaraMonster June 22, 2011, 3:14 pm

        STOP! IT! I almost spit my tea on my computer when I read that. I could just hear their little voices gleefully asking to hear the BJ story and picture them squirming at her knee as she knitted in her rocking chair by candle light. LMAO!

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    cmarie June 22, 2011, 12:29 pm

    Good for you LW! I’m glad you’re doing well and feel secure in your decision. Don’t look back, the best things are always waiting in the future.

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    SGMcG June 22, 2011, 12:39 pm

    Not only was this update awesome to hear but her rationale behind what she did next is totally understandable. Good for you for making the best decision for you. Good luck with your search in constructing your life’s ultimate great love story.

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    mf June 22, 2011, 12:58 pm

    So glad you’re happy and moving on! It sounds like you made a wise and good decision.

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    LTC039 June 22, 2011, 1:04 pm

    LOVE LOVE LOVE this update!! Awesome, LW! It’s so nice to hear back that you didn’t settle for something you were not okay with just for the sake of staying in your comfort zone. I’m really happy for you & wish you the best in your future endeavors!! 🙂

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    ReginaRey June 22, 2011, 1:25 pm

    Great update! But this does worry me a bit: “we’ve still had more contact than I would like to admit.” Girl, to truly make sure you don’t get sucked back into a relationship you decided you wanted out of, cut off communication completely! You’ve already seen that the single life without this dude is awesome, and guys are interested, so cut him off and allow yourself 100% focus on these new guys.

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    • leilani

      leilani June 22, 2011, 2:14 pm

      I’m the LW, and I wrote this update about two weeks ago…and I haven’t talked to my ex since. It was a tricky first week or so to remove myself from the situation, but once I did, I haven’t really been thinking about him at all 🙂

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        as June 22, 2011, 2:41 pm

        how was the date?

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      • leilani

        leilani June 22, 2011, 2:46 pm

        It was awesome!! He’s honestly the best guy I have ever gone out with. We’ve been seeing a ton of each other, and I really like him. I don’t want to rush into anything, but so far, this doesn’t feel like a rebound thing…he actually seems to be about 200x better for me than my ex was. And the best part is, he’s really clear about the fact that he likes me and sees a future with me too. This whole new guy development was very unexpected when I broke things off with my ex, but sometimes, I guess these things just happen!

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      • leilani

        leilani June 22, 2011, 3:28 pm

        Haha, guess someone didn’t like that story…sorry thumbs-downer!!

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        Maracuya June 22, 2011, 3:31 pm

        Guess it must’ve been your ex. 😛

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        ReginaRey June 22, 2011, 3:38 pm

        Yay, that’s awesome! I’m glad you have such a healthy perspective.

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    MsMisery June 22, 2011, 2:54 pm

    Yay!
    There’s a difference between “compromise” and “lowering your standards.” Glad you got out alive and still sane!

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