Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Updates: “The Friendly Ex” Responds

It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing today. After the jump, we hear from “The Friendly Ex” whose ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend requested to meet her since the two had remained friendly and social since their breakup. “I completely understand that she must be curious about me, and doesn’t like the idea that her boyfriend is friends with an ex, but I am completely dreading meeting her (mostly due to the negative way she’s been portrayed by Mike)! But if I don’t agree to meet her, Mike won’t be “allowed” to contact me at all anymore.” After the jump, find out whether they met and whether she’s still “allowed” to be friends with Mike these days.

I met up with Mike and his girlfriend for dinner and drinks soon after you published my letter. Your advice was spot-on, and I definitely kept in mind to make things about her, and not about me. She actually was actually very personable, and I was secretly sort of annoyed with Mike for portraying her as a crazy person. Unfortunately though, things went right back to the way they were before. She didn’t want him to see me under any circumstance, for any length of time. The few times she relented over the past six months, she texted Mike constantly for a minute-by-minute update.Needless to say, it’s been difficult to maintain any sort of friendship with him, other than the occasional text or email. Even though it’s a bit mind-boggling to me, I’ve accepted that that’s how their relationship “works” and I’ve bowed out of the friendship as gracefully as possible.

Thanks for your help…it was definitely appreciated! — The Friendly Ex

 
I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that you’re a very attractive woman. If you weren’t, the threat level wouldn’t be nearly as high. So, as unfortunate as it is to not be in your ex’s life so much anymore, take his girlfriend’s jealousy of you as a compliment if you can, and be hopeful that if they ever break up, you can have your friend back.

If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at [email protected] with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.

22 comments… add one
  • avatar

    soandso September 22, 2011, 12:24 pm

    wow that was so long ago – back when DW started and we only had 16 comments! 🙂

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    melanie September 22, 2011, 12:26 pm

    Since there seemed to be a hint of jealousy before the current girlfriend even met the LW, I’d venture a guess that the ex-boyfriend may still have feelings for the LW and it’s obvious to the current girlfriend. Perhaps he talks about her as if he still has her on a pedestal.

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    • avatar

      SpaceySteph September 22, 2011, 12:37 pm

      Maybe. Something similar to this happened to a good friend of mine. Her ex was totally in love with her, and she broke it off because he was immature and a bit of a party boy while she’s religious and didn’t want to play that game.
      Its been about 4 years since then, we all graduated college and moved away. He’s engaged to a girl who forbid him to see her, talk to her. She called me upset about it, and I tried to explain to her that while SHE has no feelings for him, he’s always been crazy about her and probably the girl is sensing this. My friend did nothing wrong, but like the LW is getting the short end of the stick. While the new girl in either case could do the adult thing which is to not date/marry a man who is clearly in love with someone else, she is instead taking the less mature road, forbidding him to see her in hopes that it’ll just go away.

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      • landygirl

        Landygirl September 22, 2011, 1:29 pm

        Sure the new girlfriend could do that, but it doesn’t solve the problem that the guy is into your friend and the friend isn’t into the guy. He is better served by not having her in his life if all it does it keep them unhealthily attached.

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        SpaceySteph September 22, 2011, 1:44 pm

        This is true but the only person who can make him quit my friend is him. I can’t imagine the fiance coming through this scenario without a broken heart.

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        melanie September 22, 2011, 1:55 pm

        I agree. And I think that the current girlfriend forbidding him to see the LW would push him further into his feelings for the LW. That’s just how people typically work (if this is even the case of what’s happening; just the feeling I got).

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    artsygirl September 22, 2011, 12:51 pm

    LW – Maybe if you invited them out as a couple (possibly a double date) it would allow the GF to loosen her grip on your ex and would show that you have moved on to new partners. Chances are you will never be able to have as close a friendship with your ex, but best of luck.

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    • avatar

      SpaceySteph September 22, 2011, 1:40 pm

      Nah why put herself through more punishment? At this point any attempt the LW makes to see “Mike” more often will just make the new gf think she is totally right that there’s something going on between her bf and the LW. She isn’t going to see an innocent double date as innocent, but as a way for the LW to get more face time with HER man so she can whisk him away to her dungeon and make sweet ex sex to him all night long. Jealousy, like most things, has a confirmation bias.

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    • avatar

      ele4phant September 22, 2011, 2:48 pm

      Uh…she already did. And nothing changed. Like StaceySteph said, why continue to put yourself through that torture. The new gf has made her opinion of the LW clear, there is to be no friendship or changing her mind.

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    • avatar

      El September 22, 2011, 6:23 pm

      This is what should have happened from the get-go.

      I have a sneaking suspicion that this is what is behind the girlfriend’s disapproval of the LW. I would have been pretty miffed myself if my boyfriend’s ex kept arranging for the two of them to get together, and never extended an invitation to us as a couple. From what I can gather, LW never expressed interest in getting to know the new girlfriend. Makes me wonder who was initially the insecure one here.

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  • landygirl

    Landygirl September 22, 2011, 1:23 pm

    LW, I’m glad you took the hight road. I hope Mike enjoys having his every move controlled by his new girlfriend. I’d say I feel sorry for him, but hey, he is choosing it, so let him reap his own consequences.

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  • avatar

    MsMisery September 22, 2011, 1:23 pm

    I’m surprised it lasted as long as it has (what with his sorta-bad-mouthing the gf and the gf being a full-tilt jelly). I don’t see this being a successful relationship, regardless of time-span.

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      6napkinburger September 22, 2011, 2:13 pm

      I sometimes wonder about the accuracy of the second- hand information.
      LW says:
      “Unfortunately though, things went right back to the way they were before. She didn’t want him to see me under any circumstance, for any length of time. The few times she relented over the past six months, she texted Mike constantly for a minute-by-minute update.”

      How does LW know that GF “doesn’t want him to see her under any circumstances”. Did she infer it from the lack of contact or did the exBF tell her? How does she know GF “relented”? was it just because they actually did hang out? I just wonder if he literally said “she doesn’t want us to see each other under any circumstances.” Even if he did, he could very well have actually meant “she’s not really a fan of us hanging out and she gets weird every time I mention it, no matter what the circumstances, so i’ve stopped trying to plan for us to see each other.”

      My (ex)BF has a girl friend that he’s had since childhood, the friend that everyone joked eventually he was supposed to marry (not sure if her bf knows this). And they used to hang out all the time. Once we started dating, they stopped hanging out as much. He made the mistake of telling me, that after he told her about a present that he was giving me (a necklace) only 4 months after giving me a different present (earrings), she commented that he should stop giving me presents so frequently because he was “spoiling me.” That turned me off to her forever, which may be unfair; she’s never done anything or said anything wrong to me directly, I just don’t particularly like her. I honestly didn’t love when they hung out alone and certainly didn’t want to go. He was certainly free to, but i can’t say i was always very enthusiastic about it, and they kind of stopped hanging out, almost entirely (especially as his schedule got more and more busy).

      Did i say he could never see her? absolutely not. Could she infer that I did? probably. Do I have an awesome reason for not liking her/when they hang out? Eh, not really. Am I jealous that she secretly wants him or he secretly wants her? Nope. It just may be more grey than the LW thinks it is. Not that that it really matters for the LW- she still loses her friend – but the GF isn’t necessarily crazy jealous or terribly insecure. GF may just not like LW, or not like LW’s attitude towards GF and the exBF picked up on it.

      So while she wasn’t an ex

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  • bittergaymark

    bittergaymark September 22, 2011, 2:17 pm

    Sounds to me like the LW handled things well. And I agree with Wendy, that I suspect she is rather hot. It sucks to lose a friend, but it happens… You’ve clearly done all you can do at this point. Just let it fade away, who knows? Maybe if you do this, her fears will lessen.

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  • avatar

    Calle September 22, 2011, 2:31 pm

    LW is probably attractive…The fact that LW’s friend trash talked his girlfriend to LW kind of rang a warning bell. Despite this, LW found her personable? I’m guessing, along with the others, that she is a nice enough person but that she senses her bf still has some sort of feelings for LW. Compound that with LW’s looks and there you go.

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  • avatar

    AKchic September 22, 2011, 2:31 pm

    Bummer. I am now dealing with a jealous girlfriend (my 2nd ex-husband’s new girlfriend). She’s 19 and insecure, I get it; doesn’t mean I have to like it much. Especially when she has this misconception that I’m made of money.

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    • landygirl

      Landygirl September 22, 2011, 3:20 pm

      How old is your ex-husband?

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        AKchic September 22, 2011, 3:51 pm

        He’s 28. Something tells me this girl isn’t going to last long. She gave him the ultimatum of either she comes to visit here in AK with him (he’s staying in my house, and neither him nor I invited her to stay in my house) or her has to stay in a hotel (neither of us can afford that price tag, and he has his own room at my house) or she doesn’t want him going because she thinks we’re going to get back together. In the 6 years we’ve been doing this, not once have we attempted to get back together (nor would I want to). He will be here for 10 days, and he will be spending it with the kids – not me. They haven’t been together long enough to warrant her introduction to the kids (I haven’t even talked to her yet) and honestly, a stranger in my home is not exactly a comforting idea.
        He’s already told her no, but from what I’ve been told by my former MIL, they’ve had some heated phone conversations on that one already. *shrug* She’s not my girlfriend, I don’t have to appease her. Our relationship is unconventional, I get it – but at the same time, some of the things we do is meant to save money and maximize the time he spends with the kids. I mean, what the hell would she do during an Alaskan break-up season anyways? Can’t ski, can’t swim, can’t do much of anything outdoors. And she is very much a “city girl”, and there isn’t much of a “city life” in Anchorage (or any town) to begin with. And I’m not getting stuck with a tourist! I’ll be working the week he’s in town, which is why he’s using my truck to spend time with the kids (they’ll be on spring break while he’s in town).

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        lets_be_honest September 22, 2011, 3:54 pm

        Use my slogan—NMFP! (not my f’in problem).
        Aren’t you remarried, and living with your new husband? You would think that would make her more comfortable.

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        AKchic September 22, 2011, 5:12 pm

        *snort* Not marrying a 3rd time. But yes, with someone else, quite (mostly) happily.

        I think it’s partial insecurity and partial desire for a free vacation to a place she’s never been (plus the chance to see the ex-wife everyone’s talked about). Again, all understandable, but it doesn’t mean I’m catering the idea, and doesn’t mean I’m 1) paying, 2) hosting her, or 3) letting her interupt the father/sons bonding time already scheduled.

        I’ve got other things to deal with today. My suburban must have heard that our yearly dividends were coming and that I was half-heartedly looking at newer suburbans, so it up and decided to quit running last night. It’s in the shop now because my mechanically inept SO tried to fix it where it died (I was at home) and made it worse. I don’t have time to fix it myself with new Medicaid regulations coming out and my City Council/Board applications (I’m applying for volunteer positions within the city on top of my regular job and volunteer position with the Safe Medicine Alliance), so to the shop!

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        neuroticbeagle September 22, 2011, 11:50 pm

        Your suburban told you ‘go fuck yourself’ when you only thought about “cheating”? It sounds like it has more sense than some LWs (Baby Mama Drama comes to mind.)

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      • landygirl

        Landygirl September 23, 2011, 1:36 pm

        Not to be snarky, but WTH is he doing with a teenager? I guess maturity doesn’t appeal to him? I’m glad that you and he get along at least.

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