Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Updates: “Thinking I Should Have Eloped” Responds

It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today, we hear from “Thinking I Should Have Eloped,” the bride whose fiancé’s sister was demanding that her baby not only be allowed at the wedding, but be the ring bearer as well. Keep reading to see whether the LW decided to allow the baby to come or not.

Just wanted to give an update and address some of the things in the comments. First, my SIL (who actually gave birth last week! My first nephew!) is pumping, so not being able to leave the baby because of breast feeding was never really the issue; also she lives in town and will not be traveling to the wedding. As for why we are allowing her older child, but not the baby, this was actually done as a compromise. We didn’t initially plan on having any children, but when it became apparent that my SIL and mother-in-law would be very upset if she wasn’t included, we decided to ask her to be the flower girl as a compromise, and because we figured she could at least make it up the aisle on her own steam, was potty trained, and is reasonably well behaved. Also, her father would be in attendance to keep an eye on her, which would be much more difficult if there were two kids to try and keep under control simultaneously. It honestly didn’t occur to us that she would even want to bring the baby until she started emailing pictures of baby tuxes and saying what a cute ring bearer the baby would be.

My fiancé ended up calling his sister and hashing things out. Initially she continued to act like there was no possible way for her to ask a friend to watch the baby or find a sitter, but my fiancé stood his ground, and he gave her a million options for child care on the wedding day, including offering an on-site babysitter and reiterating our offer to pay. When she realized we weren’t caving, she backed down and said she would still like to be in the wedding and she would “work something out” with the baby. So now she is back in the bridal party. Hopefully we set a precedent with her and the rest of the wedding planning will be smooth sailing!

Thanks again!

 
Good for you guys for standing your ground. I think setting this precedent will serve you well in the decades ahead as this woman’s SIL. Best wishes on a happy wedding and marriage!

***************

If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at [email protected] with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.

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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].

20 comments… add one
  • FireStar

    FireStar April 4, 2013, 1:11 pm

    Yay! Congratulations on your upcoming wedding and on a wonderful precedent set. Extra congratulations on marrying a man that will enforce boundaries with his family.

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    • Tracey

      Tracey April 4, 2013, 2:38 pm

      Indeed! Here’s hoping she sends an update where she let’s us know how the wedding went.

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    bethany April 4, 2013, 1:11 pm

    I wish all the updates were like this! I’m so glad things worked out!

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      lets_be_honest April 4, 2013, 1:16 pm

      Right? Great update!

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    GatorGirl April 4, 2013, 1:13 pm

    Even though I still think this is a silly fight- kudos to you for standing your ground and your soon tobe husband is awesome. Best wishes!!

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    j2 April 4, 2013, 1:13 pm

    Another good man out of the pool ….

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    ktfran April 4, 2013, 1:16 pm

    I’m usually not a fan of added details, but in this case, it was awesome. I’m sure with that information, you would have had very different responses.

    I’m so glad your fiance handled his sister, told her what’s up and stood his ground. Yay for you guys!

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    Taylor April 4, 2013, 1:26 pm

    What a kickass update, I love it when the “sane” wedding folks win =) Happy marriage LW, it sounds like you’re off to a bang-up start!

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    • FireStar

      FireStar April 4, 2013, 2:02 pm

      Isn’t it magic when reason wins over the crazy?

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  • avatar

    Daisy April 4, 2013, 1:29 pm

    Really glad it’s all working out for you, but I’ll be honest… I wouldn’t mind seeing the baby tux pictures!

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    MMcG April 4, 2013, 2:25 pm

    boundaries and husband standing by his future wife FOR THE WIN!!!
    I kinda love your husband LW…

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  • CatsMeow

    CatsMeow April 4, 2013, 2:52 pm

    So did Wendy’s advice help? Did your fiance read it? Did the DW community push him to be firm with his sister? Also, how does it feel to the the LW of a hotly-debated 300+ comment letter? Inquiring minds need to know.

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    • iwannatalktosampson

      Iwannatalktosampson April 4, 2013, 3:30 pm

      Inquiring minds need to know!!! Preach.

      Also this inquiring mind would like to know how you felt about my advice personally. I’m not going to lie I was on fire that day. It might have been my DW slam dunk in awesomeness.

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      • theattack

        theattack April 4, 2013, 3:39 pm

        You really were on fire that day. I loved your comments on that letter!

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        Iwannatalktosampson April 4, 2013, 3:53 pm

        Survivors of crazy boundaryless in laws unite!

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  • Heather

    Heather April 4, 2013, 3:19 pm

    I always wondered how other people felt they could interject on a wedding that isn’t theirs. I’m firmly in the camp that if you don’t want kids at your wedding, that makes sense (as long as you are equally as understanding that might mean some absences) and that’s YOUR decision and anyone who decides to throw a temper tantrum is just being unreasonable. Good for you for standing your ground.

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      GatorGirl April 4, 2013, 3:33 pm

      I think some people (like parents, siblings and grandparents) feel that a wedding is a little about them too. They are gaining an in-law and expanding their family. I don’t really think that means they get to dictate anything, but I would be upset if my (hypothetical) chilren were not invited to my sister’s wedding. Her getting married is a life event for me too- I’m gaining a brother.

      Throwing a temper tantrum is never the right answer though, I can just sympathize that a wedding isn’t a pretty-pretty-princess-all-about-me-the-bride-and-I-get-my-way-or-the-highway kind of day, that it’s more of a joinging/expanding of a family and I want all of my close family there, 6 weeks old or 60 years old. (But obviously people can have other opinions and I respect that.)

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      • avatar

        Brigitte April 5, 2013, 12:47 am

        I agree. We wanted our friends and families’ children at the wedding and were disappointed that my husband’s sister opted to have her kids babysat (my husband had the inverse conversation with his sister, trying to convince her to bring them!). We still had 5 kids under the age of 4 there and it was perfect. We chose a location where the kids could play. We had an earlier ceremony and dinner, and there was a room where kids could nap in strollers. Having little kids at the wedding was something we planned for. It totally worked and it made our wedding a reflection of our actual lives, the joining of our families, rather than an airbrushed version of it where children are something to be ignored and kept hidden at home. Yes, parents probably left by 10pm, but by then, it had already been a long day. And it was perfect to have everyone we love there with us… Minus 2 beloved nephews.

        So ya, I get that not everyone likes kids… But it’s not a gala or a night at the opera, it’s a wedding.

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  • flgirl711

    flgirl711 April 4, 2013, 9:27 pm

    I’m so glad this worked out. I hope the wedding goes beautifully too! I’m secretly jealous I didn’t marry a man like this who obviously has his fiancee’s back. Lesson learned. Congrats LW! What a good team you all will be in this marriage!

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  • avatar

    Sheila April 9, 2013, 5:12 pm

    Congratulations for having found a decent, sane man who will stand up to his dingbat sister! Woo Hoo!!

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