Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Updates: “Third Wheel” Responds

It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing today. After the jump, we hear from “Third Wheel” who was jealous of a budding friendship between to pals she introduced.

Firstly, thanks to the DW community for taking the time to comment on my letter. You made me feel like my jealous feelings towards two girlfriends who had grown closer were totally normal. This really helped ease my self-reproach and made tackling the issue a lot easier. To address some of the speculation that they might be dating or teaming up: they are both in long-term relationships.

I reached my boiling point in January when they both announced together that one of them was going to have a baby. It proved that she had told the other girl long before me and it felt like it was *their* news instead of just hers. I caught myself letting this spiteful feeling get in the way of being happy for her and decided that it was totally unacceptable. I saw two options: Keep letting this eat away at me and potentially ruin my friendships, or really put an effort into letting it go and focus my energy towards more positive things (like planning a baby shower!). I worked at comparing how my needs are met with how their needs are met, as one commenter put it, and got some great perspective.

Nothing has changed between the two of them. In fact, it’s probably worse with all the baby hoopla going on and since the two couples went on a trip that my guy and I couldn’t afford. However, I feel much better since I resolved to drop it. I am no longer stewing about it and can actually enjoy when we get together. I am no longer dwelling on the fact that I was invited second, but just having fun hanging out with them. Of course I still get that twinge of jealousy sometimes, but it’s definitely getting easier to ignore.

Something else that I keeps me laughing when I get upset is one of the comments, “cutesy-poo junior high school gushing by adult women gives me the willies. Are you sure you value the friendship of women who behave like this?” I know it’s not the most mature coping mechanism, but whatever works, right? Is there a feminine version of the word bromance?

Thanks for the update! I’m glad you’re feeling better about things and that the reader comments helped put everything into perspective for you.

If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at [email protected] with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.

5 comments… add one
  • iwannatalktosampson

    Iwannatalktosampson March 12, 2012, 1:23 pm

    I don’t remember if I commented on this letter but I remember it will because I think everyone has feelings like this from time to time. For me personally I use it as an excuse to have a little self-awareness check in. Like I am clearly making drama in my life – so why is that? Do I not have enough going on? I clearly need to start focusing my energy elsewhere so where should my mind wander? Usually that is when I start setting goals for myself whether it’s lose 10 pounds or run a half marathon.

    I’ve noticed this about other people too. Whenever my mother in law is being an exceptionally large pain in the ass I notice what she has going on. And normally it’s nothing. Right now her crazyness is in a dormant phase and I can tell it’s becuase her husband forced her to get a part time volunteer job. (Yes – she is that crazy that her husband has to force her to get a job so she won’t drive everyone absolutely crazy and spend 8 hours a day getting drunk by herself).

    So good for you for letting it go – now you don’t have to lose two friends.

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    Taylor March 12, 2012, 1:26 pm

    Good for you LW! The cutesy poo thing cracks me up too =)

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    SherBear March 12, 2012, 3:51 pm

    I’m curious if you also are in a relationship or if they have bounded over being “couple friends”. My ex and I just recently broke up (amicably) and one of our “issues” was that he always wanted to do things like “couple’s night” or, even worse, “couple’s trips” – while I prefer either one-on-one dates or group-type activities with both couples (or half of a couple) and my single friends. I wouldn’t be surprised if one of their relationships ends they stop the joined at the hip behavoir.

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      spark March 12, 2012, 8:54 pm

      She says in the original letter that she has a boyfriend too

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      spark March 12, 2012, 8:55 pm

      And in this letter she also says she has a boyfriend (“my guy”)

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