It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today we hear from “Tired of Being in the Closet in my Own Home,” the woman whose live-in girlfriend hadn’t told her 11-year-old son that she was a lesbian and that her “roommate” was, in fact, her girlfriend. Keep reading to see if she’s since told him the truth and how things are now.
I also wanted to mention her moving in wasn’t planned. She was kicked out of her mom’s house after her mom found out she was with me. She had been staying with her mom for three years with her son. She ended up staying at my place after.
Your girlfriend clearly isn’t ready to share living space with you AND her son, whom she has partial custody of. She should get her own place, and then you two can resume a healthy pace of getting to know each other and figuring out how you fit into her family unit before the two of you make a home together. If you are your girlfriend’s first serious lesbian relationship, it’s understandable that she’s a little shy about being “out” around people like her son, especially considering the influence her mother, who kicked her out for being gay, probably has on both her and the grandson.
If you want your relationship to last, you’re going to have to be patient while she figures out how to integrate you and your relationship into her relationship with her son. I really believe that that navigation would best be done with a little more space, which is why I think she needs her own place, away from you, where she can just be a mom and not a mom-turned-lesbian-who-is-suddenly-living-with-her-girlfriend-and-feeling-kind-of-awkward-and-doesn’t-know-how-to-act. She needs the space where she can just be Mom. When that space is secure, she’ll be more likely to feel secure in sharing you with her son and vice versa.
If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.