Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Updates: “Tired of Being Lied To” Responds

It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing today. After the jump, we hear from “Tired of Being Lied To,” who was upset that her friend, whom she was planning to move in with in September, was lying about her relationship with her brother. After the jump, find out if she’s still planning on moving in with her friend and how she feels about her potentially getting back together with her brother.

I wanted to thank you for the quick response to my letter… I read your column often and when I get stuck on a problem, I think about what type of advice you’d give. And honestly, I just needed more time to meditate on my situation, because the day after writing my letter, prior to reading your response, I called Meg and explained that moving in together just wasn’t going to work. I know I need to butt out, and moving in with Meg will not allow that to happen. I knew deep down that their relationship did bother me, and yes, I am judgmental when it comes to their relationship because I feel protective of my brother, especially after seeing what he went through with her the first time around. But, I know there are lessons we have to learn on our own, and there’s a lesson in here for me.

As I’m sure you know, Wendy, there is always much more to the back story than what a LW can put down and not drag on forever. (Pardon me, but I might start dragging on. Apologies!) So, that said, there are at least a dozen other reasons why my relationship with Meg was on shaky ground, some of those reasons were my fault, and some hers. But a good friend should make you feel like a better person. Being friends with Meg, both now and in the past, has left me feeling drained and miserable. I’m not a better person as a result of our friendship. About three years ago, I went through a rough patch, and cut off communication with several old friends, one of them Meg. It worked out for the best — I trained for and ran a marathon, met my current boyfriend (we’ve been together for over a year and a half!), earned my Master’s degree, and made plenty of new friends along the way. You told me to get a life – I do have a life. But I knew that I had matured over the past few years, and I wanted to see if she and I had both changed enough to make a close friendship work. And while we may have progressed in our own personal lives, our friendship regressed back to the way it was before. At least now, I feel as though I am mature enough to deal with it and make smarter decisions – like NOT move in with her. — Currently minding my own beeswax

 
Yes! Good for you. Often, when I read letters, I have to try to read between the lines and intuit whatever details might have been left out. I know me telling you to “get a life” was harsh (as many commenters pointed out), but I was basing it only on what was shared in the letter and the blanks I was trying to fill in. I’m glad you hear you have a full and happy life and you’re mature enough to step out of a situation (like living with Meg) and take the path of least resistance (and drama).

If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at [email protected] with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.

10 comments… add one
  • avatar

    Desiree June 24, 2011, 12:16 pm

    This may be one of the most mature updates ever. A fair number of us commenters were pretty harsh to this LW, and she is being really cool about it.

    Reply Link
    • avatar

      Valerie June 24, 2011, 12:22 pm

      Agreed, great update LW!

      Reply Link
    • avatar

      TheOtherMe June 24, 2011, 12:34 pm

      True. This week was particularly brutal for most of the LW’s.

      Reply Link
    • avatar

      Maracuya June 24, 2011, 12:45 pm

      Definitely. Glad things are working out for you, LW. 🙂 I think you did what was best.

      Reply Link
  • avatar

    BoomChakaLaka June 24, 2011, 12:58 pm

    I so know what you mean LW. Honestly, some friendships are an emotional drain and its best to take a break from them.

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    SGMcG June 24, 2011, 12:59 pm

    I know I was harsh to this LW myself. Her letter made it seem that she was all up in her brother and friend’s business, when she really shouldn’t have any say in it at all. Now that I have more context with her update, I’d like to apologize for my well deserved barrage of the purple. I’d also like to encourage her to follow through with her first instinct of cutting off communication with Meg. You don’t have to treat her like a pariah, yet you should still be cordial whenever you see her as she is doing….something with your brother. Yet if she’s going to keep bringing out your nasty side, make your contact with her limited.

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    GertietheDino June 24, 2011, 12:59 pm

    Yea!

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    ForeverYoung June 24, 2011, 2:13 pm

    I would also like to agree that this was a really mature update. I love this particular sentiment in it: Our friendship was not making either one of us a better person. I think it has come up in many of the letters Wendy gets. People have a really hard time letting go of friendships that are far past their expiration date. In all my relationships whether they are dating (well now i’m married, but you get the point) or friendships or family/inlaws that I am having conflict in I try to look at the situation from the standpoint of “is this relationship making me a better person”. If it’s not, there’s an unhealthy dynamic going on, regardless of whose fault it is.

    I’m very excited about the decision you’ve made. Meg might be in your life for a while or forever (depending on your brother’s relationship with her) but that does not mean you have to remain friends with her. It’s a hard transition to make to “demote” a friendship, but definitely seems like the healthiest solution here.

    Good luck!

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    Dennis Hong June 24, 2011, 2:22 pm

    Hey, glad to hear you were able to cut out a friend who obviously wasn’t good for you.

    Just to share the flip side of your story, though (and please don’t think that I’m in any way implying that this is you… your situation just reminded me of it, s’all), a group of friends and I were recently on the opposite side of the situation:

    Within one group of friends I have is a girl I’ll call “Maggie.” Over the past year, we’d all noticed Maggie getting more and more irritable and combative. We figured she’d been having a rough time in her life (career-wise and dating-wise), so we tried to ignore her negativity and not make a big deal about it. But then, one day, she inexplicably decided to cut like 10 of us out of her life. She even made an announcement to all of us that we were negative influences on her, and that she needed to make a clean start with a new group of friends.

    Anyway, this was about four months ago, and those of us who got the axe still have no idea what happened. But, we did come to a general consensus:

    If she has to cut out one or two friends from her life, that’s understandable. But if she has to cut out an entire group of friends? Ummm… yeah, she’s probably the one with the issues. But, instead of figuring out why she’s constantly self-sabotaging her life, she chooses to blame us.

    My point is, sometimes we have to look within ourselves, not blame those around us. Just thought I’d share. (Again, not saying this is what you’re doing, because I don’t think you are.) 😉

    Reply Link
  • landygirl

    Landygirl June 24, 2011, 3:37 pm

    I’m happy for you LW, I think you did the right thing. If you can’t trust a friend then they aren’t really a friend. I hope your brother is as smart as you are when it comes to self reflection.

    Reply Link

Leave a Comment