Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Updates: “Tired of the Betrayal” Responds

It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today, we hear from “Tired of the Betrayal” whose ex-boyfriend had recently started hooking up with her again despite being involved with a new girlfriend. She wondered why he would keep sleeping with her if he didn’t want to get back together. Keep reading to see whether she figured out the answer to that riddle.

Last Sunday, I went over to his house and I stayed until Thursday morning. We had an amazing time together watching movies, and I cooked dinner every night. He saw his girlfriend Friday during the day and told me they did nothing. That night he asked me to come over and I said I didn’t want to see him right after that. He invited me to go to a restaurant/bar that he was meeting his best friend at. I gave in and told him that I would meet him up there.

The entire night his best friend, who has always liked me as a friend, was talking to me about him, telling me how much he loves me, he wants to be with me, that he was only with the other girl to deal with not having me and that he didn’t want that girl, and he was telling me all these things to do to get him back. My ex overheard us and said that I have his heart, I’m the only one for him, and that we are meant to be together. We snuck off to a spot that nobody was at and he told me that he’s not confused about what he wants anymore — that what we had is worth trying again, that he was so sorry for putting me through all this, and that he never stopped thinking about me even when he was with the other girl.

So I ended up back at his house after that, and I’ve been here since then. He told me the next day that he didn’t know how to end it with that girl and he wanted to be an ass so she would dump him. I told him I didn’t like that idea and to just be straight-forward. Then yesterday he finally told me he ended it with the her, and he showed me all the texts between them confirming it.

I was very happy that he finally showed me that he really does love me and is serious. And even though I’m so happy to have us back, I’m now scared to death. I just don’t understand why. I have him now. I have what I fought so hard for. But now I’m afraid that I might become that girl — putting my trust into him to only get played at the end. In my heart I don’t believe he would do such a thing to me, but I know, too, that you can’t put anything past a man.

 
Yeah, I can’t imagine why you wouldn’t feel completely comfortable and confident in a guy who cheated on you with someone else, then cheated on her with you, thought it would be best to be an asshole to her so she would dump him, and then ended things with her over a text message. Watch your back — that’s all I’ve got for you. Oh, and go home already. Just because you’re back together with this guy doesn’t mean you have to move in with him. Get a little distance. It’s healthy.

***************

If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at wendy@dearwendy.com with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.

You can follow me on Facebook here and sign up for my weekly newsletter here.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

48 comments… add one
  • iwannatalktosampson

    iwannatalktosampson December 3, 2012, 1:06 pm

    ” In my heart I don’t believe he would do such a thing to me”

    What? Why would you believe that? Of course he’s going to do the same thing to you. Over and over again. Or I guess as many times as you let him.

    Also does anyone else find it really pathetic/immature when friends get involved in relationships in the capacity that this guys best friend did?

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    • FireStar

      FireStar December 3, 2012, 1:57 pm

      I find it annoying when people try and rope ME into their relationship. I’ve had friends meet and get together through a party or something we threw but that does not mean I want any part of what you do when you leave my property… and my husband doesn’t even want to know if people are dating at all.

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson December 3, 2012, 1:58 pm

        YES equally annoying.

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  • avatar

    EB December 3, 2012, 1:07 pm

    Sounds like you two deserve each other!

    Also, I hate to be the bearer of bad news but you are already “that girl”

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    • avatar

      Guy Friday December 3, 2012, 7:57 pm

      Yeah, I don’t really have a lot of sympathy for this LW. Again, she was sleeping with the guy while knowing he had a girlfriend, and clearly from this update she didn’t actually give a damn about it even after her original letter. So if she gets cheated on . . . well, sorry, it sucks, but karma is indeed a bitch. I won’t be crying for her, just like I don’t cry for anyone who gets burned after openly disregarding other people’s feelings and relationships.

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      • avatar

        AllisonExclaims December 4, 2012, 12:30 pm

        I completely agree with you. I don’t think LW will have much room to be upset if he cheats on her. Cheating is upsetting, but my point is it shouldn’t be a surprise if he does. He’s been pretty upfront with you on how he handles (or rather, doesn’t handle) relationships. I mean, he admitted to you he wanted to be an ass so he wouldn’t have to dump the other girl?
        (Does she actually count as the other girl? She was the original gf!)

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  • Jess

    Jess December 3, 2012, 1:13 pm

    The original letter could also have qualified for the Fake or Real category.

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  • lemongrass

    lemongrass December 3, 2012, 1:17 pm

    Life is not a chick flick. If you have to “fight so hard” for a guy, you’re trying too hard. Just remember that while the couple might be happy at the end of the movie- life doesn’t stop at the airport scene.

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    • avatar

      SweetPeaG December 4, 2012, 2:39 pm

      Comment of the week!!

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  • avatar

    Lilybell December 3, 2012, 1:18 pm

    Yikes. Please open your eyes. This is not going to end well for you. You need to learn how to love and respect yourself before you date anyone. Both of you are WAY too immature to be in such a serious relationship. Leave his house. Stop being so available to him. It is so difficult to read letters when it’s obvious the person is willfully ignoring the glaring warning signs – and the warnings about this guy should be in giant neon letters. But I don’t know why I’m even commenting since it’s probable that you will just keep on being a huge doormat. You are so young; stop wasting time on this guy and find someone that treats you like a human being. I can’t even place all of the blame on him; you are allowing him to use you and disrespect you at every turn. I’d bet money he has a hidden phone that he uses to text other women. He’s just getting better at cheating, not stopping.

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  • Lyra

    L December 3, 2012, 1:26 pm

    Good riddance. This is NOT a relationship you should stay in. He is an incredible manipulator who makes promises to you that he can’t (and won’t) keep in the long run. You need to have more self-respect than that. You honestly probably won’t realize all this until you are out of the relationship, but I can almost guarantee that you will be much much MUCH happier without this guy and once you realize just how much he is controlling you.

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  • Fabelle

    Fabelle December 3, 2012, 1:27 pm

    WWS.

    LW, you’re afraid because YOU KNOW this is not a stable relationship. No matter how strongly you feel about him, no matter what his friend tells you, no matter how much he says he loves you– it’s just not a union you can ever be confident in. You’ve seen the betrayal he’s capable of & that will clearly always stick in your mind. Do you want to live with that?

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  • avatar

    spark_plug December 3, 2012, 1:27 pm

    I have a feeling that someone time in the near future a psycho baby mama is going to rear her head… and the LW is going to be all like “how could you do this to me? how did this happen?!”

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  • Fabelle

    Fabelle December 3, 2012, 1:29 pm

    oh, & P.S.– I feel as though you’re still at his house because you’re scared that leaving will result in him cheating on you. That’s is no way to live.

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    • avatar

      ktfran December 3, 2012, 2:10 pm

      I was thinking it. And going to type it. But then got busy at work.

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      • avatar

        MMcG December 3, 2012, 2:16 pm

        How dare you focus on your work when this LW needs this advice to read and then disregard in favor of being a doormat? I question your priorities 😉

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      • avatar

        ktfran December 3, 2012, 2:29 pm

        Lol. Right? The nerve of me.

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  • landygirl

    landygirl December 3, 2012, 1:36 pm

    LW, nowhere in the update did you say that you were in therapy. You need to seek long term treatment, an advice letter isn’t going to do the trick. Do yourself a favor and go to a therapist and work on yourself.

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  • bagge72

    bagge72 December 3, 2012, 1:40 pm

    Hahaha this guy is a major douche, and you fell for all his bull shit! I love how you don’t want to be that girl, but spent 5 days at his house cooking him dinner and pretending to be his wife while he was in a relationship. You’re lost, and he is playing you for a fool, he will never stop cheating on you, but you clearly deserve it. I wish his ex girlfriend would write in so we could all be friends with her, and tell her what an ass he is.

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    • avatar

      lets_be_honest December 3, 2012, 1:49 pm

      This is one of my favorite comments ever Bagge.
      Wishing the ex would write in so we could be friends were her? I would’ve spit my coffee out if it weren’t for the fact that it has bailey’s in it.

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      • FireStar

        FireStar December 3, 2012, 1:50 pm

        there is a girl with priorities…

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      • bagge72

        bagge72 December 3, 2012, 1:57 pm

        haha yeah that is a conundrum, but a good choice!

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    • avatar

      Amanda December 3, 2012, 2:08 pm

      WBS! One nomination for comment of the week!

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  • avatar

    kerrycontrary December 3, 2012, 1:40 pm

    LW, why would you ever feel like this man would cheat on you? That’s so weird. It’s not like he’s done it before. Or shown that sort of questionable behavior with other women. I think you are imagining things.

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  • avatar

    bethany December 3, 2012, 1:41 pm

    I’m so annoyed by this entire situation. I have nothing positive to say, so I’m going to keep my mouth shut.

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    • avatar

      bethany December 3, 2012, 1:44 pm

      Well, not until after I say this…

      LW, this guy is going to fuck you over. It’s a fact. It might not happen for a long time, but it’s going to happen. When it does eventually happen, don’t come crying back to us, or any of your friends who might be in the know about this situation. We don’t’ want to hear about it. You asked us for advice, and you didn’t follow it. So when he breaks your heart, please don’t tell us about how you thought it was going to be different this time, and he really loves you, and you’re so heartbroken. We won’t have much sympathy left.

      Well, at least I won’t.

      And I’m done.

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    • bagge72

      bagge72 December 3, 2012, 1:52 pm

      I tried to go this route, but I just couldn’t haha.

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  • avatar

    lets_be_honest December 3, 2012, 1:44 pm

    If you don’t have anything nice to say…
    Ugh, ditto to Wendy’s reply.

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  • FireStar

    FireStar December 3, 2012, 1:47 pm

    The fear you feel is your brain catching up with the rest of you. I’m not someone who believes that once a cheater always a cheater – but I do believe that consistent behaviour indicates character. So Wendy is right…watch yourself because all we know about him – from you – is that he lied to you, cheated on his girlfriend (with you) and when he finally made his choice to be with you – he still wanted to string the other girl along until she broke up with him because that was the easier option for him. Weak character – just weak. Good luck – you are going to need it.

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    • avatar

      6napkinburger December 3, 2012, 3:49 pm

      Agreed.

      I know everyone else disagrees with me on this issue, but I wouldn’t think he was a horrible person if they met up just to talk, wound up being intimate, she let him know she regretted breaking up and wanted to give the relationship another try and he immediately went and broke up with the other girl (with the option for full disclosure or not, depending on the individual relationship with the other girl). I know it isn’t very nice nor is it the most mature thing to do, but sometimes timing just works out like that. (In fact, this is EXACTLY what happened with phoebe and mike on friends… it was a dick move to precious, but it didn’t mean that he (or phoebe) would be doomed to a horrible relationship as horrible people).

      But this weird refusing to break up with the 16 year old, then while your ex is at your house, going on a date with her? Eww…

      The reason you feel gross is that you panicked when you lost him, felt you needed to prove that you were loveable (due to the feelings of inadequacy not helped by mom’s suicide), “won” but didn’t actually want the prize. You’re 20 and you’re fucked up right now. It isn’t a life-sentence of being fucked up, but this is a wakeup call to go get help and to start looking for affirmation in different places.

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    • avatar

      6napkinburger December 3, 2012, 4:57 pm

      Agreed.

      I know everyone else disagrees with me on this issue, but I wouldn’t think he was a horrible person if they met up just to talk, wound up being intimate, she let him know she regretted breaking up and wanted to give the relationship another try and he immediately went and broke up with the other girl (with the option for full disclosure or not, depending on the individual relationship with the other girl). I know it isn’t very nice nor is it the most mature thing to do, but sometimes timing just works out like that. (In fact, this is EXACTLY what happened with phoebe and mike on friends… it was a dick move to precious, but it didn’t mean that he (or phoebe) would be doomed to a horrible relationship as horrible people).

      But this weird refusing to break up with the 16 year old, then while your ex is at your house, going on a date with her? Eww…

      The reason you feel gross is that you panicked when you lost him, felt you needed to prove that you were loveable (due to the feelings of inadequacy not helped by mom’s suicide), “won” but didn’t actually want the prize. You’re 20 and you’re fucked up right now. It isn’t a life-sentence of being fucked up, but this is a wakeup call to go get help and to start looking for affirmation in different places.

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  • avatar

    weiwei December 3, 2012, 1:49 pm

    It always amuses and confuses me when the OTHER woman feels wronged and betrayed, or acts as if this whole “oh he told me they didnt do anything” somehow justifies something. Cuz yall are so madly in love that it would just be a total betrayal if he did something with his own girlfriend instead of the woman on the side, right?

    Good god, grow up.

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  • avatar

    fakefiction December 3, 2012, 1:52 pm

    BAM!
    WWS.

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  • avatar

    GatorGirl December 3, 2012, 2:03 pm

    Okay so this guy cheated on you, then dumped you, then cheated on his new girl friend with you, didn’t have the balls to break up her, finally did then you stayed with him for multiple days dooting on him after his BFF essentially convinced you to? WHAT?????

    Honey walk away. Get some self respect. Be single for a while and wait until you find a man who respects you until you date again.

    Good greif. Train wreck day on DW?

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  • avatar

    MMcG December 3, 2012, 2:10 pm

    Have you ever heard the expression you reap what you sow?

    THE DEFINITIONS:
    1. Everything that you do has repercussions. It comes back to you one way or another.
    2. You cannot escape the consequences of your actions. What you do comes back to you.
    3. You will see the long-term effects of your actions.
    4. KARMA – The total effect of a person’s actions and conduct during the successive phases of the person’s existence, regarded as determining the person’s destiny, especially, in his next incarnation.
    5. What goes around comes around.
    6. Your actions all have consequences. Don’t ever be fooled into thinking that your actions don’t have consequences. Don’t think you can get away with bad choices even if you don’t seem to get caught. Remember verse seven tells us that God cannot be mocked. He sees it all. You reap what you sow.

    You’re actions have consequences LW, and you are being extremely foolish and making choices which demonstrate you don’t value yourself at all. I can’t imagine this ending without this guy cheating on you again, the only difference is that this time YOU KNEW THIS IS WHAT HE DOES. In fact, the little devil on my shoulder really hopes you write back in again with an update when he does, because I might want to start a pool in the forum section.

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    • avatar

      MMcG December 3, 2012, 2:20 pm

      Oh and if you ignore all other advice please follow this — USE CONDOMS & BIRTH CONTROL — double-up actually. And if you don’t know what doubling up on protection means – RUN to your local planned parenthood. The last thing this shitshow needs is an innocent child.

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  • avatar

    j2 December 3, 2012, 2:11 pm

    Sadly, I don’t this is the last time we will hear from this LW.

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  • avatar

    Amanda December 3, 2012, 2:24 pm

    LW, WTF are you doing with your life? Is this what you think a healthy relationship is? I do feel for you because I sense that you are genuinely confused about what a healthy relationship looks like. Such relationships are defined by the people in the relationship, but all healthy relationships share a few common traits:

    1) Relationships are based on mutual love and respect for one another
    2) People in the relationship trust and are loyal to each other
    3) Open and honest communication occurs often. People use their best judgement in “small” lies (i.e. “No, I didn’t fart. It must have been the dog.” kind of lies) that don’t affect the relationship.
    4) And many more…

    LW, you don’t have a healthy relationship with this guy. Your relationship is the epitome of dysfunction. I recommend that you take some time away from dating to grow as a person and think about what kind of partner you want in the future. IF you work very hard, you will ultimately attract worthwhile partners to you. Aim higher LW.

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  • avatar

    SallyS December 3, 2012, 2:49 pm

    I feel for this girl.

    I guess just because you ask for advice doesn’t necessarily mean you’re ready to hear it. And just because you’re ready to hear it doesn’t mean you’re ready to take it.

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  • KKZ

    KKZ December 3, 2012, 2:50 pm

    “Go home already.” Love it, Wendy. 🙂

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  • avatar

    Lindsay December 3, 2012, 3:56 pm

    Uh, congrats? He sounds awful. I’m not sure why’d you’d be so happy about having him back. I mean, really. He cheated on you. He cheated on his girlfriend. He presumably lied to his girlfriend. He said awful things about her. He’s too immature to break up with someone and prefers to be an ass until they dump him, not to mention that he breaks up via text. At the very least, I don’t know how you could trust someone like that enough to be in a real relationship with them.

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    • avatar

      AllisonExclaims December 4, 2012, 12:34 pm

      This sums everything I was thinking in a much better concise way!!!

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  • Regina Chapman

    Regina Chapman December 3, 2012, 4:07 pm

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

    “Yeah, I can’t imagine why you wouldn’t feel completely comfortable and confident in a guy who cheated on you with someone else, then cheated on her with you, thought it would be best to be an asshole to her so she would dump him, and then ended things with her over a text message.”

    I love a lot of things about this site, but Wendy’s dead-pan answers to a particular brand of clueless are on the top of my list.

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  • Heather

    Heather December 3, 2012, 4:55 pm

    Oh, LW… I don’t want to tear you apart, but but what the hell. What part of you thinks this situation will end up with you and this Mr. Perfect riding off into the sunset?

    Making mistakes in life can be a great thing, because it is what we learn from those mistakes that causes us to be wiser in the future about decisions we make. What’s not great is making the same mistake multiple times; throwing common sense out the window and choosing to put on a pair of rose colored goggles to mask the negativity of a situation. That’s what you’re doing. Until you have some respect for yourself, and for other people (like others have said, no matter what you choose to believe you are and have been the other woman) you will continue to make these mistakes and you will be unhappy.

    What boggles my mind the most is that there ARE truly decent men in the world. There’s a plethora of them. And you’re wasting your time with this piece of shit. I really hope you come to your senses.

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  • avatar

    Lucy December 3, 2012, 7:41 pm

    File under “will get exactly what you deserve.”

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  • avatar

    Nyxalinth December 3, 2012, 8:16 pm

    Guys like this should have stayed in the Stone Age. It’s a human instinct to have a steady partner and sow the seeds with additional females. But he is NOT a caveman, and the LW is not his mate. Part of being a modern day homo sapiens is to resist the instincts that followed us to the present. He obviously can’t do that, so he shouldn’t be in a relationship at all. I’m a firm believer in if you can’t be good to your mate and not screw around, then you need to not have a partner at all and just go out and get laid. there’s no shame in that. The shame is when you try to act one way (wanting a relationship) and then cheating to fulfill the desire for many partners.

    LW, your boyfriend is like this. If you decide you can deal with his inevitable screwing around just to have someone i9n your life, it’s your call. But you deserve better.

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  • bittergaymark

    bittergaymark December 3, 2012, 8:29 pm

    Eh, seriously? Who the fuck cares?

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    • avatar

      Caris December 3, 2012, 11:37 pm

      lol

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