Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Updates: “To Keep it or Not” Responds

It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today we hear from “To Keep it or Not” who wrote in last week about her surprise pregnancy at 43 that she wasn’t sure she wanted since enjoying her freedom after separating from her husband. Keep reading to see what she decided to do.

Thank you for taking the time to email me and also to answer my question! I think your advice was solid and logical, particularly about the part regarding the new guy.

Well, I spent the last few days really soul-searching and found I was still going from “yes” to “no” every five minutes. I asked the universe to send me another sign to help me stand firm in a decision. I got that sign yesterday, which was a miscarriage and a day at the hospital. I continue to have a lot of mixed emotions and the “what ifs,” but overall I feel relieved.

I am now contemplating what this lesson was for me, and so far I think it means I need to “slow down” and also not put so much weight into any new guy and what he wants, says, or thinks. It made me see that I need to take safe sex way more seriously because I could have just as easily been told I have an STD.

I am relieved I don’t have to make a decision about having an abortion. It’s easy to state your opinion on this very controversial subject when you are just offering an opinion. It’s an entirely different thing when it’s your body and your life and your choice. I feel for any woman who faces that gut-wrenching decision. It made me see how it’s tough for any woman because, ultimately, people say they are pro-choice but, when push comes to shove, many people still judge you. Women are made to feel extremely guilty; it’s just an unsaid but very powerful societal message that’s out there.

I did tell the baby daddy by telephone. He began literally yelling at me that he was very busy and could not deal with this and ended the call very quickly. He hasn’t contacted me since. I texted him yesterday that I was bleeding at the hospital, but at that point I did not know the final outcome. He has yet to be in touch.

It’s hurtful and made me face reality more as well…A woman cannot put a lot of stock into any new man, and realize that how someone presents at first is usually not how he really is. This experience has made me feel more unattached from this man, and I will never contact him again. I deleted his number. I guess he is okay going through the world feeling no responsibility for this and not even really knowing my final outcome. He did not even care to send a simple text back. Makes me see I was a fool for putting stock into anyone more than myself. I am okay with this ultimately, working on my esteem and trying to ensure I know my worth.

It also makes me re-think a bit about motherhood and my previous longings for it. I know I will be okay walking alone in this world and can find many other ways to have children in my life. I have many opportunities to explore if I wish.

This has made me stronger and also less concerned about any of the men I am involved with.

I know there were many lessons in this, some I am not even aware of yet. I woke up today wanting to care for and protect myself a bit more, and I know that, whatever my future, holds I will be okay.

Thanks, again!

 

I’m sorry for any pain the miscarriage may have (or might still) cause you. It can be a very traumatic event whatever a woman’s feelings about the pregnancy might be (excitement, ambivalence, disappointment, fear), so please be gentle with yourself in the coming weeks as you continue to process this emotionally and heal physically. And, yes, absolutely, you should make safe sex a top priority, and you should also get tested for STDs if you haven’t already. And then get tested again in a few months.

And while it’s very worthwhile to work on your self-esteem, and to focus on your self-worth and what you want, etc., I’d be careful about making blanket statements about women not being able to put any stock in new men they meet. I’m so sorry you’ve been attracted to/pursued men who have shown themselves to be unworthy of your affection and time, but there are as many good men out there as there are good women. It might benefit you to work with a therapist and figure out why you’ve been attracted to, for lack of a better phrase, “bad men,” and how you can see and acknowledge warning signs about men who are bad matches for you much more quickly, as well as how to recognize signs that a man is good and worthy of you.

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If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at wendy@dearwendy.com with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.

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7 comments… add one
  • avatar

    MsMisery June 15, 2015, 12:10 pm

    Aw. I’m sorry that happened to you. Even if you weren’t sold on having a baby (or were leaning towards aborting) a miscarriage is still a sad thing.
    .
    Also, I am sorry the sperm-donor was such a raging tool about it. Like, a gigantic bag of tiny, shriveled dicks. Even if he never calls you to say anything one way or the other, be glad you don’t have to deal with him re: this.
    .
    It sounds like you’re processing some of these changes in a more realistic way, and that’s probably a good thing. Good luck.

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    • avatar

      RedRoverRedRover June 15, 2015, 1:08 pm

      Yes, the silver lining to an all-around difficult situation is that she won’t have to deal with this raging asshat anymore. I love how he was too busy to deal with it. Must be nice to have the choice; she had to deal with it whether she wanted to or not.

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  • something random

    something random June 15, 2015, 12:23 pm

    I’m sorry for the entire ordeal you have just lived through. I hope you are able to learn from the experience and find more peace moving forward.

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  • juliecatharine

    juliecatharine June 15, 2015, 2:47 pm

    As shitty as his behavior was, at least he did her the favor of showing his true colors. Sometimes it takes the universe kicking us in the teeth to finally ‘get it’ but the LW seems like she has. Trusting people when you have a rocky history with relationships is scary and hard but it’s the only way to have true friends in life. I was finally able to trust guys again only when I knew I could trust myself to leave if they weren’t on the up and up. I think the LW’s instinct to nurture herself after the miscarriage is a really good sign that she’s in or at least moving towards a healthy head space. Good luck, I’m sorry for your loss and wish you a smooth recovery.

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  • avatar

    Ange June 15, 2015, 9:49 pm

    Nothing really to add to the commenters above except I’m sorry you’re going through this LW and I hope you feel better soon both physically and emotionally.

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  • avatar

    d2 June 15, 2015, 10:22 pm

    Wishing you a speedy recovery from you miscarriage … and your ex.

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  • avatar

    Katy June 16, 2015, 8:06 am

    So sorry to hear about your miscarriage, but glad it’s shedding light on other areas of your life. Hope things get better soon!

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