Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Updates: “Too Good for Him” Responds

It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing today. After the jump, we hear from “Too Good for Him” who worried about the repercussions of breaking up with her best friend’s brother, whom she’d been long distance dating for eight months and who she decided lacked the ambition she desires in a partner. Keep reading to see where things stand now.

Thank you, Wendy, and readers for all of your comments! It was really reaffirming to read what much of you said, and certainly insightful and eye-opening to read the comments that I did not necessarily agree with. As far as the pot smoking stuff, yes, it was a concern of my parents, but also mine! This seemed to feed into the whole 15 year-old-in-a-30-year-old’s body thing that “Adam” has going on. While I don’t have a problem with pot in general, my career hinges upon having a clean legal record, which means that if I was with Adam and he had pot in the car, the house, etc. it would potentially cause me to lose my job license, which I’m not willing to risk.

Many of you hit the nail on the head with what I didn’t articulate – it’s not so much his lack of money and blue collar job that he’s making that bothers me, but his lack of ambition and no desire to “make it” without relying completely on his parents. In my career, I do intend to continue working, so I certainly don’t want a man who serves as the only provider, but I DO want someone who can contribute to our household income. I’m not willing to replace his parents and become his sole source of income!

After doing some thinking, I decided to break up with him. I think the physical distance caused the relationship to naturally be somewhat dead-ended, but it also served as a “good excuse” to end it, as I agree with so many of you that it would be just be plain hurtful to tell him the other part of the reason. As for my friendship with his sister, she certainly wants to know all the details, but I’m trying to be respectful towards Adam. I’m hoping that in due time our friendship will be back to normal. I would like to think that even if Adam had been married and it had ended, the longevity of my relationship with his sister would still allow us to remain somewhat friendly, let alone after eight months of failed long-distance dating. Thanks again, Wendy, and everyone who commented!

 
Thanks for the update, and best of luck to you in the future. For what it’s worth, it’s much better that you ended the relationship now than months — or even years — down the line after you both were much more invested. In the long run, eight months is just a drop in the bucket — especially when it was mostly long distance — and I’m sure everyone will be able to move on with minimal awkwardness or hurt feelings.

If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at [email protected] with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.

28 comments… add one
  • avatar

    Taylor April 16, 2012, 2:06 pm

    Sounds like you handled it well LW! Good job on figuring out what you’re looking for – it’s such an important thing to be clear about.

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  • CatsMeow

    CatsMeow April 16, 2012, 2:15 pm

    I think you made the right decision, and I’m sure your friendship will be back to normal in time.

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    AndreaMarie April 16, 2012, 2:37 pm

    Great update LW and good luck.

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    painted_lady April 16, 2012, 3:12 pm

    As a sister, I’ve stayed friends with several of my brother’s exes. Given that the breakup was amicable and low drama, I don’t feel like there’s anything wrong with it. To be totally honest, most of the time I was able to see it coming before it actually happened. My brother is significantly less motivated than your ex, but it’s always been an issue in his relationships, especially when many of the girls were smart, ambitious, and driven to succeed far more than him. So I doubt this will be or has been the only time this is an issue.

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  • avatar

    Addie Pray April 16, 2012, 5:06 pm

    You know, as much as I comment on letters, you’d think at least ONE update from time to time would be from a LW whose letter I commented on – even if my comment was just about Chik-fil-A or about trying to flirt with Budj. Seriously, LWs. I think there’s a conspiracy amongst LWs.

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    • SweetsAndBeats

      SweetsAndBeats April 16, 2012, 5:14 pm

      Maybe your advice is just so good that they are ashamed to admit they can’t live up to it?

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        Addie Pray April 16, 2012, 5:24 pm

        Oh good one. Let’s pretend that’s the case. Or maybe they took my advice and are leading an amazing life — so amazing that they don’t have time to write an update.

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    Addie Pray April 16, 2012, 5:28 pm

    HEY YOU GUYS! I quit my job smashing cans, it was soda pressing.

    Bwahahahahahahaha. I’m tipsy after one little large glass of wine at lunch.

    I’m sorry, LW. This was supposed to be about your update.

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    • SweetsAndBeats

      SweetsAndBeats April 16, 2012, 5:32 pm

      That’s a good one, actually. But yes… Yay LW! I hope you find the right guy when it’s the right time 🙂

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray April 16, 2012, 5:34 pm

        Soda pressing. …. I can’t stop laughing.

        LW, I hope you find the right guy when the time’s right too, but I kind of want to find the right guy first, and then I’ll introduce you to his really nice single brother. I think that’s a good plan.

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray April 16, 2012, 5:36 pm

        I love Monday afternoons!

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray April 16, 2012, 5:37 pm

        Where is everybody and why are they not laughing at my soda pressing joke?

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      • avatar

        Rachel April 16, 2012, 5:46 pm

        I just laughed. I also laughed at one little large glass of wine.

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray April 16, 2012, 5:50 pm

        Rachel, I think you and I are the only people alive! Where do you live? Because you may need to come help me eat all the cheese I bought at Trader Joe’s. It’ll go bad before I finish it. That’s how much I bought.

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      • SweetsAndBeats

        SweetsAndBeats April 16, 2012, 5:57 pm

        I would so, so help you with that. But I do not live anywhere near you 🙁

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        Rachel April 16, 2012, 8:00 pm

        Aw, Addie, if I lived anywhere near Chicago, I would be happy to help you with that. Cheese is pretty much the best food on earth.

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        Addie Pray April 16, 2012, 5:47 pm

        What if the whole world imploded… except my apartment, and I’m the only person left? Will my cable shut off without Comcast people around or does it continue automatically?

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      • avatar

        bethany April 16, 2012, 5:54 pm

        Have you ever seen that show called “After Humans” or something? It’s all about what would happen if something randomly wiped us all out- Like how long automated stuff (like cable/electricity) would keep going, and what would happen to buildings and all kinds of stuff. It’s pretty interesting.

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      • avatar

        bethany April 16, 2012, 5:56 pm

        “Life After People” on the History channel- That’s what it is.

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      • avatar

        bethany April 16, 2012, 5:53 pm

        I’m laughing on the inside.
        Later tonight, when I’ve had a beer or 6, I think I’ll laugh out loud 🙂

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      • CatsMeow

        CatsMeow April 16, 2012, 5:53 pm

        That was a good one, Addie! I laughed!

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      • avatar

        AnotherWendy April 16, 2012, 7:14 pm

        I’m laughing Addie Pray and when I shared it with the teenager she supressed a smile because she would never admit to anything being funny if it didn’t come from a fellow teenager. But inside she is cracking up!

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray April 16, 2012, 7:48 pm

        Except I just realized this joke only works in writing. I just said it to my neighbor but it didn’t sound right. I’ve exhausted the joke and am over it now. Maybe tomorrow I’ll learn a new one. Wouldn’t want to learn two in one day – too much activity in one day is exhausting.

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    • Lili

      Lili April 16, 2012, 7:00 pm

      I just wanted to add that I bought GOBLETS for wine, so I can honestly say I’ve just had ONE GLASS of wine. It makes me happy to know that such behavior is Addie Pray Approved. I yearn for a lot of things in my life to APP. Oh and i bought two, so when you come visit, we can sit and gossip about SODA PRESSING jobs and drink a glass(bottle) of wine each 😉

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    • avatar

      d2 April 16, 2012, 8:33 pm

      I understand. The soda market has been a little flat of late. At least you left on your own terms and didn’t get canned. You have the right attitude on your new career search. If a new venture doesn’t work out, you recognize that and move on and don’t bottle up your feelings.

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  • bittergaymark

    bittergaymark April 16, 2012, 6:24 pm

    Some funny pot paranoia here. I’ve been a passenger in car where somebody had pot. And we were stopped by the police… And we didn’t all get arrested. Just sayin’!

    At any rate, hopefully you’ll actually go after a man with ambition this time. Because, lets face it, your ex was never exactly hiding who he was from you. You just pretended not to see it.

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  • avatar

    AnotherWendy April 16, 2012, 7:15 pm

    Happy for you LW!

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  • sobriquet

    sobriquet April 17, 2012, 4:44 pm

    I don’t think it would be “hurtful” to tell him the real reason you broke up with him. In fact, this could come back to bite you if you two ever wind up in the same location. He may not think it’s truly over. If you broke up with him because he lacks ambition, he should know that. Wouldn’t YOU want to know that? It’s not like you’re telling him his face is ugly… ambition is a trait that can be inherited later in life. Sometimes people need a swift kick in the ass as a wake up call.

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