Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Updates: “Totally Over It Bridesmaid” Responds

It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today we hear from “Totally Over It Bridesmaid” who was wondering whether there was a way she could get out being a bridesmaid for her frenemy who was no longer speaking to her after a series of tiffs and misunderstandings. Keep reading to see whether things have been resolved.

Thanks for your advice. I waited a bit before I acted, not because I did not respect and agree with your advice, but rather because, as many of the commentators understood, it is hard to end a friendship (even a bad one).

Her bridal party continued to be a nightmare, with things like a sign-up sheet for what we needed to bring to a brunch happening in June and the MOH suggesting that, because the theme of the brunch (why does everything have to have a theme) was “Breakfast at Tiffany’s,” we all pitch in and get her something from Tiffany’s. On top of paying for a $150 cooking class and renting a trolley for the bachelorette party. I kept asking what did Beth want to do, had anyone checked with her, etc., and I would hear nothing back on that point. All this time she and I had not been on speaking terms for about a month, and I’m the only one who’s trying to suggest things that she likes. (The two married ones also wanted us all to buy matching gold dresses to wear for the bachelorette party! ANOTHER DRESS!)

I was informed by my aunt that my grandmother’s 80th birthday party is to be held on the same day as the shower + Chicago bachelorette party. There was no way I was going to miss that event, not even a question. I asked the other bridesmaids if we could change the weekend, and they said no (which I totally understood but figured it was worth a try). I let them know that I would still pay for my part in both the shower and the party, and I figured that the most responsible thing to do was to email Beth and let her know that I could not make it, but say that I was still looking forward to standing by her side at her wedding (at this moment, I had decided to just go with the “phase out” plan). I wanted to tell her, instead of her hearing it secondhand.

She replied nastily, and she said, if I didn’t want to be in her wedding (which I never said), that I should have the decency to tell her in person, that she’s happy to meet with me so we can talk about what is “going on” and basically why I am being so terrible, and that she has been concerned about me and the way I’ve been treating people.

I thought about it, and I decided that I didn’t want to meet up and discuss anything. I don’t want to waste another moment of my life dealing with something or someone who does not lift me up and make me a better person. So I emailed her and said mostly what you said in your suggested response, apologizing for saying I could be in the wedding, addressing that we have drifted apart and that I no longer want to continue our friendship. I ended by saying that I hope she is happy and that her wedding day is everything she wants it to be. I have not heard back (nor do I expect to).

A few of my friends were for me sending that email. (My gay roommate kept saying, “Listen to that advice column! Read it again!”). And a few thought I would regret it. But I clicked send and felt instantly lighter. Sure, maybe I should have done it “face to face,” but I realized that I didn’t care about “being polite” and “doing the right thing” when it involved someone I didn’t want in my life anymore. The wedding forced my hand, and, to be honest, the thought of spending 1500 bucks on someone I probably won’t be speaking to a year from now seemed so stupid. I took back my dress this afternoon and have cheerily moved into the position where my friends (and some current bridesmaids) inform me there are now three new people “in charge” of planning something for the bachelorette party (the bride, the groom, and my other bridesmaid friend). A crisis averted indeed.

Thanks for your advice, it was the right call.

 
I seriously can’t wait until I can start drinking tequila again.

***************

If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at wendy@dearwendy.com with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.

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19 comments… add one
  • Lyra

    Lyra May 4, 2015, 12:31 pm

    Good call!!!! She sound absolutely insane…glad you are free of that situation.

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  • niki

    niki May 4, 2015, 12:46 pm

    I’m glad you sent the email, because GAH! You were going to back out of yet another event!

    I’m with you Wendy. I need wine. Only 6 more weeks…………..

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  • Ika

    Ika May 4, 2015, 1:42 pm

    Best reply ever Wendy.
    I had missed the original letter so I just read the letter then the update back to back. My head hurts.

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    • Addie Pray

      Addie Pray May 4, 2015, 1:52 pm

      Haha, What Ika Said!

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      ktfran May 4, 2015, 1:56 pm

      Agreed! You do need tequila, Wendy. You could possibly settle for a glass of wine?!?

      Only if you’re in to that kind of thing. I realize some people would prefer not to while pregnant.

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      • Dear Wendy

        Dear Wendy May 4, 2015, 4:34 pm

        Oh, I’m ok with an occasional glass of wine. It’s just not the same as tequila though!

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      • Addie Pray

        Addie Pray May 4, 2015, 5:45 pm

        Know what’s weird? I’m not missing wine AT ALL. It’s the last thing I want to drink, actually. What if I never go back to liking wine? I’ll have an identity crisis.

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        jlyfsh May 4, 2015, 5:56 pm

        WHAT if you start loving white wine post baby? Talk about an identity crisis!

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      • Addie Pray

        Addie Pray May 4, 2015, 6:58 pm

        If I do I’ll be a closet white wine drinker – can’t ruin my reputation with that stuff!

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      • Dear Wendy

        Dear Wendy May 4, 2015, 6:01 pm

        I don’t miss wine that much either. Every couple of weeks, I think I want a glass so I’ll pour a small one and I usually don’t even want it after a few sips. I do miss hard liquor/cocktails a lot though, especially now that it’s getting so warm. There’s nothing better than a cold margarita on a hot afternoon.

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      • Dear Wendy

        Dear Wendy May 4, 2015, 6:02 pm

        And you will definitely want a drink after the baby is born. Trust.

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      • Addie Pray

        Addie Pray May 4, 2015, 6:59 pm

        🙂

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  • avatar

    jlyfsh May 4, 2015, 1:56 pm

    Are all of your friendships this dramatic? I would also note that you didn’t say you didn’t want to be in her wedding, but I think this is the perfect example of your actions speaking louder than your words. You weren’t feeling being in the wedding anymore and your actions screamed that loud and clear.

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  • Skyblossom

    Skyblossom May 4, 2015, 2:56 pm

    I just reread the original letter and had three thoughts about the entire thing.

    1. Why do people keep toxic “friends?” Why don’t we teach our kids to be pickier in choosing friends and to spend time with people they enjoy spending time with instead of with people they can barely tolerate in their life. This extends to setting boundaries about how you allow friends to treat you and learning to say no.

    2. This situation is the perfect counterpoint to the first LW today. In one day we’ve had the point-of-view of the demanding bride and of the put out, under appreciated bridesmaid. We’ve seen the situation from both sides of someone asking a person that they don’t particularly like to be their bridesmaid.

    3. When did being a bridesmaid become a job? When I got married the bridesmaids were expected to come to the rehearsal and to the wedding and to buy the dress. Shoes were usually a situation where you wore the color requested. No one demanded that you spend money to have your hair professionally done or nails or makeup. No one did a bachelorette party at that time and the bridesmaids were not expected to host a bridal shower.

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    • avatar

      Marcie May 4, 2015, 4:51 pm

      I’ve never been in anyone’s wedding but my own, and I used to think I was a loser, but I’m now MOH in my MOH’s wedding and it looks like I’ve been saved from a lot of drama! I can’t believe that bridesmaids are expected to do anything more than be in the wedding. A bachelorette party maybe, but having to do a shower too? And when did bachelorette parties turn into destination bachelorette parties? Thankfully I live in Nashville and the bride wanted to come here so they’re all travelling to me.

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      • avatar

        MsMisery May 6, 2015, 12:01 pm

        I am SO. THANKFUL. my bff had a shotgun/navy-on-the-base wedding. No one was invited and I didn’t have to do a thing!!! Not that she’s the type for frills and parties, but *I* am definitely the type for not having to do anything 🙂

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      • avatar

        snoopy128 May 6, 2015, 12:33 pm

        I am so scared for when all of my friends start getting married. I know there will be a few for whom the whole wedding thing will be a BIG DEAL.

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  • Classic

    Classic May 4, 2015, 3:22 pm

    I am drinking the tequila for you, Dear Wendy! Also, WWS in the original letter.

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  • juliecatharine

    juliecatharine May 4, 2015, 8:39 pm

    I freaking love wedding week.

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