It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today we hear from “Totally Over It Bridesmaid” who was wondering whether there was a way she could get out being a bridesmaid for her frenemy who was no longer speaking to her after a series of tiffs and misunderstandings. Keep reading to see whether things have been resolved.
Her bridal party continued to be a nightmare, with things like a sign-up sheet for what we needed to bring to a brunch happening in June and the MOH suggesting that, because the theme of the brunch (why does everything have to have a theme) was “Breakfast at Tiffany’s,” we all pitch in and get her something from Tiffany’s. On top of paying for a $150 cooking class and renting a trolley for the bachelorette party. I kept asking what did Beth want to do, had anyone checked with her, etc., and I would hear nothing back on that point. All this time she and I had not been on speaking terms for about a month, and I’m the only one who’s trying to suggest things that she likes. (The two married ones also wanted us all to buy matching gold dresses to wear for the bachelorette party! ANOTHER DRESS!)
I was informed by my aunt that my grandmother’s 80th birthday party is to be held on the same day as the shower + Chicago bachelorette party. There was no way I was going to miss that event, not even a question. I asked the other bridesmaids if we could change the weekend, and they said no (which I totally understood but figured it was worth a try). I let them know that I would still pay for my part in both the shower and the party, and I figured that the most responsible thing to do was to email Beth and let her know that I could not make it, but say that I was still looking forward to standing by her side at her wedding (at this moment, I had decided to just go with the “phase out” plan). I wanted to tell her, instead of her hearing it secondhand.
She replied nastily, and she said, if I didn’t want to be in her wedding (which I never said), that I should have the decency to tell her in person, that she’s happy to meet with me so we can talk about what is “going on” and basically why I am being so terrible, and that she has been concerned about me and the way I’ve been treating people.
I thought about it, and I decided that I didn’t want to meet up and discuss anything. I don’t want to waste another moment of my life dealing with something or someone who does not lift me up and make me a better person. So I emailed her and said mostly what you said in your suggested response, apologizing for saying I could be in the wedding, addressing that we have drifted apart and that I no longer want to continue our friendship. I ended by saying that I hope she is happy and that her wedding day is everything she wants it to be. I have not heard back (nor do I expect to).
A few of my friends were for me sending that email. (My gay roommate kept saying, “Listen to that advice column! Read it again!”). And a few thought I would regret it. But I clicked send and felt instantly lighter. Sure, maybe I should have done it “face to face,” but I realized that I didn’t care about “being polite” and “doing the right thing” when it involved someone I didn’t want in my life anymore. The wedding forced my hand, and, to be honest, the thought of spending 1500 bucks on someone I probably won’t be speaking to a year from now seemed so stupid. I took back my dress this afternoon and have cheerily moved into the position where my friends (and some current bridesmaids) inform me there are now three new people “in charge” of planning something for the bachelorette party (the bride, the groom, and my other bridesmaid friend). A crisis averted indeed.
Thanks for your advice, it was the right call.
I seriously can’t wait until I can start drinking tequila again.
If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.