Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Updates: “Type A” Responds

It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today, we hear from “Type A” who was tired of what she considered her fiancé’s lack of responsibility and was looking forward moving 10 hours away for a fellowship while he finished his last year of law school. Keep reading to see whether they’re still together and how they’re doing now.

Since the letter, my husband and I have become long distance, due to the job opportunity that I mentioned in the letter (and, obviously, we got married). Since I’ve moved, maybe because I don’t have the opportunity to be in the middle of everything he’s doing, I really haven’t felt the same level of frustration that I expressed in my letter at all. He takes care of himself (pays his rent, pays his bills, takes care of the dog, etc.). There were a few times in the wedding-planning process that I had to ask him to do something more than once (make arrangements for a cat-sitter, decide what family pictures he wanted from the photographer, etc.) and sometimes I get frustrated, but really I see this more as an issue of forgetfulness (just three days ago he locked his keys in my apartment while I was at work). While forgetfulness can be annoying, it’s also not something I see as a major issue in our relationship.

The forgetfulness is something that my husband had noticed about himself as well, and we put many of the ideas from the forums to good use (he has a planner, makes notes to himself and sets reminders in his phone, etc.)!

In my letter I wrote that I was going to be relieved to get away…which I now see as ridiculous. I would give anything to be living together again. Being apart has also made me realize that, while he may have been (and is) dependent on me for certain things, that I was also (and am) dependent on him for certain things. Basically, we’re partners and we complement each other. I don’t know if he’s the one who has changed or if it was just my perspective that has become clear, but I view our relationship now as one of mutual responsibility. We take care of each other. Truth be told, I’m a little embarrassed to go back and read what I wrote to you–I think much of my frustrations stemmed from my lack of perspective, and overreaction, rather than from any lack of responsibility on his part.

On a happy note, we had an awesome wedding and I am incredibly excited to move back in with my husband in 2 months and 29 days (not that I’m counting…)!!

Thank you so much (and to the DW community as well) for all of the support and insight!!

 
Thanks for the update and congrats on your recent marriage! Best wishes to you and your husband for a happy and long marriage.

***************

If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at [email protected] with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.

You can follow me on Facebook here and sign up for my weekly newsletter here.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].

16 comments… add one
  • avatar

    lets_be_honest March 3, 2014, 1:12 pm

    I really, really liked this update. Good for you LW!

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    Morgan March 3, 2014, 1:24 pm

    So I didn’t see the original post at the time but I’m a little concerned I wrote it. A lot of what you said LW is so much like some of the issues in my relationship right now. And like you were, I’m facing impending long distance and it feels like a relief not most of the time but more of the time than I like to admit. Best of luck, and I hope when you move back in you continue to function as partners, and the old issues don’t become a problem again.

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  • avatar

    AliceInDairyland March 3, 2014, 1:45 pm

    Oh man, katie so would have M-edOA from me like 6 times in this scenario. For some reason I seem unable to keep my phone under my conscious control. I place it in the weirdest places (random desk drawers, randomly thrown in the back seat of the car, under the bed…?) and then I spend like 30 minutes before bed rummaging about for it. Part of it is me moving into a new environment where I haven’t been able to set up habits for success but part of it is that I just don’t care what happens to my phone and have million other things I’d like to focus on. Ugh. BF just lays in bed and randomly shouts out suggestion of where to look.

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    • avatar

      rachel March 3, 2014, 1:49 pm

      Haha, Ross and I were super late dropping Toby off at my pet sitter the other weekend because he lost his phone. It had fallen behind the toilet. Because that makes sense.

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    • katie

      katie March 3, 2014, 1:49 pm

      haha, well, i know you dont like, need your phone, so that is different. also, if benjamin doesnt care….?

      this letter was originally presented as the guy being 100%off- couldnt schedule his life, couldnt find anything, couldnt do any chores, couldnt pay any bills, couldnt do…. anything?

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    • muchachaenlaventana

      muchachaenlaventana March 3, 2014, 2:06 pm

      I am constantly looking for/misplacing my phone and I am sort of scatter-brained about a lot of other things to the point where the other morning I was leaving my boyfriend’s and he went through a checklist of things I have left there recently to see if I had them: bra, phone, necklace, contacts, glasses. Turns out that morning I ended up leaving my credit card and license behind HA. So I can actually commiserate with the frustration of this LW because sometimes I get frustrated with myself. I am glad it all worked out though and they will be together again soon!

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      • avatar

        AliceInDairyland March 3, 2014, 2:17 pm

        ” I can actually commiserate with the frustration of this LW because sometimes I get frustrated with myself.”

        Yep – somedays I’m on the struggle bus with basic tasks compared to everyone else. My routine so so out of whack lately I feel like I just gotta keep swimming before it becomes more regular and then I can worry about not losing my keys all the time. Or randomly stashing cash everywhere. Or losing 2 boxes of tampons I know I bought (which I totally needed last night and still cannot find……. anywhere…….)

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      • avatar

        AliceInDairyland March 3, 2014, 2:17 pm

        ” I can actually commiserate with the frustration of this LW because sometimes I get frustrated with myself.”

        Yep – somedays I’m on the struggle bus with basic tasks compared to everyone else. My routine so so out of whack lately I feel like I just gotta keep swimming before it becomes more regular and then I can worry about not losing my keys all the time. Or randomly stashing cash everywhere. Or losing 2 boxes of tampons I know I bought (which I totally needed last night and still cannot find……. anywhere…….)

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      • katie

        katie March 3, 2014, 2:24 pm

        oh i do feel you on routines. i am a routine person. when i get out of one im a mess!

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  • katie

    katie March 3, 2014, 2:23 pm

    “He takes care of himself (pays his rent, pays his bills, takes care of the dog, etc.)” — this is still one of those “basic requirements”, though. everyone pays their rent, pays their bills, and takes care of their pets. this is like when LWs are so happy to just have a basic element in a relationship like respect. so weird.

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    • avatar

      lets_be_honest March 3, 2014, 2:44 pm

      I think she was just trying to illustrate that while sure, he loses his phone and can be forgetful (like most people), he’s not, in your words “a non-functioning adult.”

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  • Fabelle

    Fabelle March 3, 2014, 2:25 pm

    Maybe I’m cynical today, but I hope this LW’s mindset stays how it is once she’s living back with her husband & settled into that day-to-day living together married life? Because I feel like this kind of frustration with a person can ebb & flow, & it might come back… just utilize the communication, organization, & planning tools we gave you if it does 🙂 Good luck!

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    • avatar

      iseeshiny March 3, 2014, 3:38 pm

      Yeah, that’s what I was thinking. There are plenty of people I like much better when I’m not living with them – my parents, former roomates, etc. Once we weren’t living together our relationships were once again sunshine and roses. Hopefully that’s not how it is for the LW and her husband.

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    • Lyra

      Lyra March 3, 2014, 6:41 pm

      I agree. One of my best friends was long distance from her husband for about a year and then he was let go from his job and moved back with her. They’ve been having a lot of issues readjusting and from what I’ve heard they fight constantly. He’s actually a pretty horrible person overall (it definitely doesn’t seem like the LW’s husband is) and she could do better than him, but it just proves that it can take some readjustment to living together again.

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      • LadyinPurpleNotRed

        LadyinPurpleNotRed March 3, 2014, 6:52 pm

        I agree there’s readjustment, but it doesn’t mean fighting constantly. That sounds like a product of their marriage, not the distance.

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      • Lyra

        Lyra March 3, 2014, 7:12 pm

        Their marriage is horrible, thus the fighting constantly. I totally agree with you.

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