Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Updates: “Un-Plus One” Responds

It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing today. After the jump, we hear from “Un-Plus One” who was annoyed that her boyfriend of several months had accepted invitations to be the date for two different women at two different weddings. Keep reading to hear whether she confronted him about her feelings and if he still went.

Hey guys! I read most of the comments about my dilemma, and I did confront him about the two weddings. I thought that when he told me, he had already accepted, but when I confronted him about the whole thing he said he was just letting me know, and for all of those that are curious, noooo I did not cry and blow up at him about it. I never expected him to ask for permission but it’s nice to be told about these things at least. I told him if he was ok with me going to a wedding with one of my guy friends then I have no problem with him going with one of his friends. He did not like the idea, so I guess it made him think twice about the whole situation but even still, he went this past weekend to it (he declined the other).

Also, I got more information about this chick from my bf, and I learned she’s new to the area (just moved to Dallas) and simply didnt have any one else to go with so in the end I was fine with it. I asked how it went and he responded that he was glad he went because his “friend” would have had to sit alone at a table. I agree with what a lot of you said about his being clueless about whats socially acceptable to do in a relationship. I guess he was just trying to be a good friend. I think the girl would have survived though because she was going with her family and honestly I dont see the need to bring a date if my family was going to be there to keep me company, especially someone else’s boyfriend, but thats just me.

Thanks for the update!

If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at wendy@dearwendy.com with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.

54 comments… add one
  • avatar

    lets_be_honest May 21, 2012, 12:06 pm

    never expected him to ask for permission but it’s nice to be told about these things at least

    Wait, didn’t he do just that?

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  • kare

    kare May 21, 2012, 12:18 pm

    Dallas!!!

    Sorry I was just excited because I never see a Dallas shout out.

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    • avatar

      Slamy May 21, 2012, 1:37 pm

      I live in Dallas too. 🙂 🙂

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      • avatar

        Matthew May 21, 2012, 10:07 pm

        I’m originally from Dallas. I definitely need to find time to go home!

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  • katie

    katie May 21, 2012, 12:21 pm

    so he didnt like the idea of you going to a wedding with a guy friend, but he still took the invite to this “chicks” event?

    i dont get it.

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    • JK

      JK May 21, 2012, 12:28 pm

      And “she would have been sitting by herself”, but she went with her family? Something sounds fishy.

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    • avatar

      lets_be_honest May 21, 2012, 12:31 pm

      I’m glad someone else noticed the “this chick” comment. Unneccessarily bitchy. Weird letter, weird update.

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray May 21, 2012, 12:38 pm

        Ha! All true. But I was mostly upset about this comment: “I read most of the comments” … “most”?! Even I read all of them, twice.

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      • katie

        katie May 21, 2012, 12:50 pm

        im glad im not the only one who thought it was bitchy! calling someone else a “chick” is never a compliment. ive never heard that in a positive light, ever.

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray May 21, 2012, 12:55 pm

        chick.

        (but it’s cute when i say it, right?)

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      • katie

        katie May 21, 2012, 12:59 pm

        hehe.. but i know that your using it in the super cute baby chicken kind of way.

        omg, so my new townhouse is by this pond thing, and there are now baby ducks in the pond!! i want to go steal them and keep them as pets. they are so freaking adorable!

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      • JK

        JK May 21, 2012, 1:05 pm

        You should feed them. My dad fed some ducks that appeared at his house one year, now they keep going back every year.

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      • katie

        katie May 21, 2012, 1:07 pm

        ohh i’ll do that! good idea!

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      • FireStar

        FireStar May 22, 2012, 4:46 pm

        We have two ducks (Donald and Daisy) that come and use our pool as their personal pond every year when they migrate North in Spring before we officially open it. They come just to hang out or bathe sometimes and quack at our puppies. It’s hilarious to watch the dogs barking at them and the ducks flapping their wings in response. No one backs down. Apparently everyone has attitude on our property.

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      • avatar

        Rachel May 21, 2012, 3:00 pm

        A guy brought in 3 ducks to the Humane Society a couple weeks ago to surrender. They had been pets. They were somewhere in between chicks and full grown, so looked like actual ducks but were still sort of fluffy. So cute!

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      • katie

        katie May 21, 2012, 3:05 pm

        awwwww

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      • kaluu

        katia May 21, 2012, 7:44 pm

        using the word chick? ill weigh in. i have a friend who recently started coming out, and we;ve become close, and she always tells me about her crushes as ”chicks,” and not in a bad way

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      • avatar

        CG May 21, 2012, 12:36 pm

        ITA! This letter is really bizarre. She says she was fine with him going but then three sentences later is bitching about how *she* wouldn’t need a date if her family was going and “the girl” would have survived going by herself. Plus she cattily put “friend” in quotes. Did we determine that the LW was super-young and immature? Because that’s how she comes off in this update.

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray May 21, 2012, 12:40 pm

        “ITA” – I totally agree! (Right? I’m getting good at guessing youz kids’ lingo.)

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      • katie

        katie May 21, 2012, 12:51 pm

        haha, if it makes you feel better, i never know what the abbreviations stand for. it took me forever to understand that DH was dear husband… if thats even what it is, because one day i just assumed that fit.

        thanks for enlightening me to ITA!! lol

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      • avatar

        CG May 21, 2012, 12:53 pm

        Ha ha ha! You’re not going to bust out “now get off my lawn!” too, are you? 😉

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      • avatar

        Sunshine Brite May 21, 2012, 10:17 pm

        She said something similar in the first letter like they were “supposedly” friends like her bf had never talked about either of these women once until the weddings came up. It caught me and I came off unnecessarily bitchy because I didn’t communicate well. I could practically see the eyeroll in it. Same with this update.

        It’s a weird situation to me overall.

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  • avatar

    lauren May 21, 2012, 12:56 pm

    It sounds like this LW is still in the bitter barn about the whole situation. I’d advise better communication with her boyfriend in the future….

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    • avatar

      lets_be_honest May 21, 2012, 1:47 pm

      the bitter barn. LOVE.

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  • avatar

    kerrycontrary May 21, 2012, 1:04 pm

    Maybe (and I’m grasping at straws here), the girl and he were seated a different table than her family. Sometimes all of the young professionals are seated at one table while older couples/friends of the family are at another? I think its even MORE awkward that the LW’s boyfriend met this other woman’s family at the wedding. Hopefully the boyfriend stops accepting dates with other girls in the future.

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    • avatar

      ele4phant May 21, 2012, 3:03 pm

      Yeah, or maybe this girl was from a family that would’ve given her the third degree for coming alone, so she asked the one guy in town she knew to escort her so she didn’t have to deal with the aunt she sees once a year grilling her about her love life (or lack thereof).

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  • avatar

    amy May 21, 2012, 1:18 pm

    I agree about the chick comment. That screams jealousy. “This chick would have blah blah blah”. Very disrespectful.

    All I have to say is that if there was true communication and RESPECT among this couple, if the guy sat down and thought about how he would feel about her going to a wedding with another guy, and he would be hurt by that, then he should have seen her point of view. If he respected her, he would have said, “I see your point, I would be upset too. Maybe I won’t go because if the roles were reversed, it would upset me to think of you at a wedding with some other “dude”.

    But noooooooooo, he went with the girl anyway. Not really fishy, but doesn’t sound like he respects her emotions or opinions.

    Also, she didn’t realize that he hadn’t already been invited and that he was just talking about it?

    Where is the communication in this relationship??

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  • avatar

    amy May 21, 2012, 1:20 pm

    Also,

    If I asked for advice and it was submitted on here, I would read everything. Not browse through some. What’s the point of wasting Wendy’s time if you don’t care enough to read thoughts on the subject?

    Seems like she took nothing into consideration. Her response was “I’m not a whiny biatch that cries and throws fits when I’m upset. I didn’t understand what he was saying and he only went to ONE wedding instead of both, even though he said he would be hurt if I did that to him”.

    Nothing changed in my opinion.

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  • avatar

    Muffy May 21, 2012, 2:01 pm

    I think we’re being too hard on the LW here. It was very odd that this friend who just moved here wanted to bring a buy who had a girlfriend as her date to a wedding. Especially if her family was there. I wouldn’t trust the girl

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    • avatar

      amy May 21, 2012, 2:04 pm

      I think we’re being hard on the LW because she is sort of wearing rose colored glasses over this situation.

      From what I can see, nothing has changed. And she also showed a major red flag in her relationship by stating that she asked her boyfriend how he would feel if she went to a wedding with another guy and the boyfriend said he would be upset. Yet, he went anyway, even after she asked him to see things from her perspective.

      He disregarded her feelings and went ahead with the wedding. Total disrespect in my opinion.

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      • JK

        JK May 21, 2012, 2:12 pm

        I also think LW is trying desperately to convince someone (us? herself?) that she´s fine with the whole situations, when it´s painfully obvious that she is far from fine.

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    • avatar

      ele4phant May 21, 2012, 9:35 pm

      To be honest, I was *just* at my cousins wedding. While most of the wedding party was “family”, only a few people were related to me. Most were related to the bride’s other side of the family, or from the groom’s family. Plus, all of her immediate family (my aunt, uncle, and other cousin) was running around doing things for the wedding, so it was really just me, my grandma, and my brother hanging out. But, lucky for me, I had a guest to hangout with. While this was my serious boyfriend, if I was single, I really would have appreciated having a plus-one, even if that meant a platonic guy friend. It could have gotten pret-ty boring without him.

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  • rainbow

    rainbow May 21, 2012, 2:22 pm

    You make it sound like your boyfriend is clueless and just trying to be a good pal to this “chick” and she was the one doing fishy stuff by asking him to go when she could have gone alone, but he could have easily skipped the wedding, you know. He wasn’t forced to make it awkward, he could have used a very polite excuse or make up something if he’s too much of a wuss to openly respect your boundaries. He knew it was inappropriate. I don’t believe it is, but he said he does when you asked him. I think your suspecting the wrong person here.

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    • rainbow

      rainbow May 21, 2012, 2:25 pm

      *you’re

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    • JK

      JK May 21, 2012, 2:27 pm

      Yeah, I was left thinking how good friends can they be if the girl just moved there and doesn´t even know anyone else yet?
      Something is rotten in the state of Denmark.

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      • mandalee

        mandalee May 21, 2012, 2:37 pm

        She doesn’t know anyone else but somehow her family was at the wedding also? Does that mean other girl’s family was attending the wedding but somehow needed the boyfriend to come along because she was “new in town”? Was the wedding for a friend she just met then? And if so, why the hell was her family there?

        I’m so confused.

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      • JK

        JK May 21, 2012, 2:39 pm

        I know, right? I think we need an update to the update.

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      • avatar

        amy May 21, 2012, 2:47 pm

        It would be interesting to see the update on the update, but it would be nothing but defense lol, trying to show us that the relationship is awesome and the problem is truly with the girl inviting her man to a wedding. Can’t wait to comment on that update 😀

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      • mandalee

        mandalee May 21, 2012, 2:53 pm

        Probably! When I’m actually more interested in the logistics of this weird story. I can only think of a few possibilities of where myself and my family would BOTH be invited to a wedding: someone in our family was getting married, a family friend was getting married, or one of my very close friends were getting married from my hometown (grew up with my parents around and were close with them too).

        None of those scenarios would involve me being “alone” at the wedding, because I would probably know a handful to almost all of the attendees depending on the degree of closeness.

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      • JK

        JK May 21, 2012, 2:58 pm

        I know, I really don´t get it either. And, if she doesn´t know anyone where she lives, was the wedding elsewhere? Did her family travel to where the “chick ” just moved?
        LW, if you happen to be reading these comments (and not just most of them), please, WE NEED ANSWERS!

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  • avatar

    ele4phant May 21, 2012, 3:18 pm

    I guess I don’t get the problem, here or in the original letter. I mean, it does appear there is a lack of communication in this relationship, and it is a bit troubling how dismissive your boyfriend was of your feelings even AFTER you got him to see things from your perspective, but….

    Is being someone’s platonic date to a wedding really that big a deal? Is it supposed to be some sort of big statement, or be incredibly romantic? All the weddings I’ve been to (excluding those of my super dear loved ones) are boring and tedious. The ceremony can be mind-numbingly boring, the reception usually has crappy catered food and so-so entertainment, and worst of all, you have to make small talk people you don’t know and would never interact otherwise. Not exactly the environment to start a hot, clandestine love affair, ya know? If my BF went off with another woman and did something one on one, like a sunset cruise or something, yes that would be worrying. But getting invited to accompany a friend to a wedding? Phew, no sweat off my back and thank god I don’t have to go.

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    • katie

      katie May 21, 2012, 3:25 pm

      exactly.

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    • avatar

      Calle May 21, 2012, 3:39 pm

      I mentioned it below, but I’ve been to a few weddings that were very romantic. One was a evening wedding by the waterfront…It was a short, 20 minute ceremony with a long reception afterwards…Lots of very expensive alcohol and food, flowers, candles, groomsmen making moves on the bridesmaids, no kids, etc…I would have been bugged if my husband was a platonic date for someone else to that wedding. It really just depends on the situation and the wedding….

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      • avatar

        ele4phant May 21, 2012, 3:46 pm

        I WISH the weddings I’ve been to were like that, sadly I have not experienced one such as that.

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      • avatar

        Calle May 21, 2012, 6:00 pm

        It was a pretty awesome wedding. My own wedding is my favorite (obviously) but that was definitely number 2. I shudder to think about how much it cost, but it was ridiculously fun.

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      • katie

        katie May 21, 2012, 3:53 pm

        that just says awesome party to me… i mean, a party can be romantic if you make it that, but if your just at a party with your platonic friend, its not gonna be romantic. people dont just up and start putting moves on other people because the atmosphere calls for it. and if they do, they would have cheated anyway, romantic wedding party or not.

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      • avatar

        Calle May 21, 2012, 5:58 pm

        Yeah, I can see your point. Just saying people have different opinions of certain situations. Everyone has that one thing that they draw a boundary on. My point was, I just don’t think LW is being a crazy/jealous/controlling gf, especially if she is in a committed relationship and had never met these girls before. If the LW was keeping her bf from going out to dinner with a female friend, I would call her controlling. If the female friend needed moral support because her ex fiancee, ex boyfriend, whatever was getting married and the LW threw a fit at the idea of her bf accompanying the female friend, again I would say the LW was out of line. In this situation, I don’t think she is being cray cray for not being happy. Also, I have a few good friends who are men and one guy that I am super close to. I would never cheat with them, because they are like my brothers, but there are still certain lines I wouldn’t cross just because I would find it weird. I wouldn’t go out with them to the flickering candle, heavy drapes, violin playing French restaurants one on one. Same with this wedding situation.

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  • avatar

    Calle May 21, 2012, 3:32 pm

    Something is up with the boyfriend. He said he would be uncomfortable if she was in the same position, but he went anyway? I would be side-eying the boyfriend more than the girls who asked him out (although I did think that was kind of strange too). Before, I mentioned that I thought it was strange to ask a guy in a committed relationship to be a date to a wedding unless there was some particular circumstance. Weddings, in my eyes, usually equal romance…However, for someone else it could be the least romantic situation ever… Taking someone of the opposite sex (or same sex, if you are gay/bi), who is in a serious relationship instead of a single friend or family member just comes across as a bit off to me. Especially when you factor in she had family with her… However, a lot of people chimed in and said weddings are not romantic for the guests. I guess I’m kind of somewhat defending the LW, because it is all how one considers weddings or what type of wedding they are attending. Everyone has different boundaries and opinions on certain subjects, and I can somewhat understand LW’s. I would not be as upset as LW, but I can understand LW’s point…This is one situation where I don’t think LW is necessarily acting like a controlling/overly jealous person. I also don’t think referring to someone as chick or dude is necessarily disrespectful…Up until a few years ago, I used to refer to people like that quite frequently.

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    • avatar

      Matcha May 21, 2012, 5:56 pm

      Yeah, I agree with your last sentence. Way too harsh on the ‘chick’ thing. I don’t use that kind of slang anymore, but I used to and I didn’t mean anything disrespectful by it.

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      • avatar

        ele4phant May 21, 2012, 6:00 pm

        I think people that it was said with some bitter grapes because she also used the quotes around “friend”, and questioned why she’d have to sit alone given her family was there. Who knows really – its hard to read in emotion and intent in a written letter – but there were a few other signals that maybe the LW had a bit of disdain for the wedding guest friend.

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  • caitie_didnt

    caitie_didnt May 21, 2012, 9:45 pm

    hmmmm…something’s still fishy here. Boyfriend says “yeah, I don’t think I’d like it if you went as somebody else’s date” and then goes as somebody else’s date to a wedding? Weird. And not cool.

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  • avatar

    Miss T May 22, 2012, 8:50 am

    I would never in a million years ask someone else’s significant other to be my date to any kind of social event. Ever. Not if I knew him since we were 4, not if I met him yesterday, not if I was best friends with the girlfriend, and not even if I didn’t know anyone else in the entire state. And my fiance would never consider going to any event as someone else’s date. It’s one thing if the LW and her bf are teenagers–it’s not like they’re living together or married–but when adults have been together for months or years and are exclusive, it’s shady as all hell to be going on “platonic dates” or however it’s being referred to here. If other people do that, it’s fine, but to me, it’s not right. I know the argument is, “Oh, you have to let your significant other have their own life; if you trust him, then why can’t he hang out with other girls alone and accompany them to events in a role that is traditionally for romantic partners; you’re being controlling,” etc etc etc, but the way I see it, when you commit to someone, you’re agreeing that the two of you will be each others’ only dates from here on out. It rings kind of pathetic that this other girl had to ask someone else’s boyfriend to this wedding–especially with her family there–and it’s REALLY suspect that he went and gave her this whole song and dance about how he wouldn’t like it if the roles were reversed but then made up this whole story about why he had to go with her. I know all of my fiance’s female friends–I wouldn’t say I’ve become friends with them, and he’s met all of my guy friends. Part of building trust in our relationship is being willing to be transparent–if there’s nothing to hide, then there’s no reason to hide it. Sure, we hang out with our friends separately, but it’s not a clandestine thing. I’d be curious to see what would happen if the LW asked to meet Ms. Wedding Date with Someone Else’s Boyfriend–if the bf is so worried about this girl being lonely in a new state, he should want to introduce her to some potential new friends like his awesome gf, right?

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    • avatar

      j.walker May 22, 2012, 12:09 pm

      Never in A MILLION YEARS??? That’s pretty rigid. Maybe we’re from different generations, or maybe because I grew up with a lot of strictly platonic male friends but I don’t see it as that big of a deal…

      For instance, I’m from Canada but moved to the States to live with my boyfriend. I come home a few times a year to see my parents and friends… That’s my time to hang out with the people I hardly ever get to see, you know? Two of those people are my very good male friends who I’ve known forever. If I had a function to go to I would without question ask one of them to go as my plus one, probably the one with the girlfriend as he just happens to be the more laid-back and fun of the two. The girlfriend probably wouldn’t be too happy but honestly, we have been friends a lot longer and he is one of the only people I stayed in touch with because, honestly he’s a good friend and there has never been any other feelings involved.

      I realize that it’s not the same, but that is a situation in which I feel like it would be acceptable to being someone else’s boyfriend to a function. Thank you and goodnight

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  • avatar

    Miss T May 23, 2012, 9:50 am

    I’m glad you feel it’s acceptable, but he’d be a pretty rude bf to ignore his gf’s discomfort because you think you have a prior claim on him because you’ve known him longer. It’s not anyone’s place to do something she KNOWS is going to cause discord in her friend’s relationship, and you do not take precedence over the person he lives with, regardless of how long you’ve known him, unless he chooses to give it to you. It is blatantly disrespectful to be like “I’m taking him to wedding no matter how she feels because I’ve known him longer,” and while this is a hypothetical situation, that’s how girls end up blacklisted from people’s social circles–because they become known as trouble-makers who don’t respect boundaries. I would be especially unlikely to be cool with my fiance going to a wedding with someone who said she didn’t care how I felt about the situation–and I’m pretty sure he’d be the first to put distance between himself and this “friend” because he is very wary of that kind of behavior–it’s too reminiscent of all that high school “but you’re SUPPOSED to be MY FRIIIIENNNND” whining BS. He has plenty of friends whom he’s known longer than me, and by the nature of our relationship, my feelings and needs come before all of theirs, and his needs come before any of my friends’. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be marrying him.

    And I’m 25. We just both come from traditional families with very successful marriages, so we were brought up to believe that nobody comes before your partner–it may not be for everyone, but having the respect not to interfere with other peoples’ relationships because we “want to have fun” is, I would think, a pretty universal thing.

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