Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Updates: “Uncertain about Friendships”

It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing today. After the jump, we hear from “Uncertain about Friendships” who was upset that her boyfriend wanted to keep plans to attend a female friend’s party the same night she had a friend in town who wanted everyone to go out to a club together. Did the two go their respective events separately? Did they compromise and do both? Find out after the jump.

I wanted to update after reading all the comments. Honestly, when I read back my letter I did sound very bitchy. Let me clarify that I suffer from anxiety and panic disorder and tend to overreact about small things because of my thought process (which is usually negative off the bat). Also, I wrote it in a moment of anger and I guess that definitely came through.

Thank you for your advice — it was what I needed to hear. I appreciate the comments on the post as well, however some were a little excessive… Just to clarify some things: my boyfriend and I have been together for 2.5 years, and we DO go out without each other many times. I know in my letter I definitely sounded bossy, possessive, etc… but that’s not really how I am. I guess the reason I reacted that way was because I never really take much importance to friends. I do have friends and care for them a lot, but I always have my guard up because I have been screwed over sooooo many times by people I thought were my friends. My boyfriend is not like this. He takes friendships very seriously because his friends have been there for him more than his family. So at the time, when he did not want to compromise, it made me angry he was choosing a friend (that he hadn’t seen in a long time) over me. However, we talked things out and ended up doing both parties because, as you said, he didn’t like the way I approached it and I completely agreed with him!

Thank you again for telling it to me straight and to the readers who took the time to look past the “bitchiness” of my tone & give me some real whole advice.

P.S. the girl was actually very nice and I really got a good vibe from her!

It’s always nice when letter writers don’t get so overly defensive that they can’t hear the good intention of the advice given. You are the perfect example of that and I’m so glad things worked out.

If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at wendy@dearwendy.com with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.

15 comments… add one
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    MissDre May 11, 2011, 12:33 pm

    YAY! I’m glad you guys worked it out 🙂 I have suffered from anxiety and panic attacks too, so I completely understand your thought process. I often jump to negative conclusions but I have worked really hard with a counselor to change that thought process. Best of luck in the future!!

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      TMSC May 11, 2011, 12:38 pm

      me too! i get a negative thought and then it’s like a hampster running around on the wheel in my head…it becomes really really difficult to get off the wheel…

      I am so glad the LW was able to recognize this and work through it with her BF.

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    ArtsyGirl May 11, 2011, 12:35 pm

    Compromise is always the best solution. I am happy you possibly made a new friend too.

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    BoomChakaLaka May 11, 2011, 12:56 pm

    I can totally understand doing something in a moment of anger vs doing something with a rational state of mind. This letter you wrote to Wendy sounded a lot more levelheaded than the last letter, so I’m sure you had time to not only remove yourself from the situation, but to take Wendy’s and the reader’s comments. Good for you.

    But I’m curious: did you guys end up going out seperately or together?

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      ArtsyGirl May 11, 2011, 1:01 pm

      The LW said they went to both parties which was what more readers suggested

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    spaceboy761 May 11, 2011, 1:23 pm

    Seeing the LW being all level-headed and relatable almost makes me feel ashamed for answering her letter with a herpes joke. Almost…

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      TheOtherMe May 11, 2011, 1:37 pm

      Oh man, I had to go back & read your comment, it sounded like a Tosh.o response
      Almost…
      : O

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        spaceboy761 May 11, 2011, 2:14 pm

        Indeed! Automatically assuming the worst in people is a basic rule of comedy.

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      SpaceySteph May 12, 2011, 3:22 am

      Oh Spaceboy, I think “then you’ll get herpes” is always the best advice. We need your comedic STI stories to break the ice around here!

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    sarita_f May 11, 2011, 2:53 pm

    Hi LW – glad to hear that everything worked out, and I hope this incident becomes something you can look back upon to calm yourself in times when your anxiety/panic starts to flare. I like that you understand that you automatically assume the worst about people and situations, having awareness about that is a great thing.

    Not to beat a dead horse or anything but this phrase stuck out to me: “I always have my guard up because I have been screwed over sooooo many times by people I thought were my friends.”

    That’s got to be a really crappy way to go through life, and if I conjecture correctly, this means your BF is the only one you really rely on right now. I hope you’re in a position where you can afford to work on your anxiety and panic disorders, and I hope that this is something you resolve in conjunction with that. In my experience people that utter phrases like this need to understand that it’s most likely NOT all those other people – the common denominator here is you. Either you subconsciously surround yourself with shady people, or your expectations going into a friendship or acquaintanceship are out of whack. I’m really not trying to be harsh, but I hope to give a bit of food for thought. I hope in the future you’re able to find some good people and surround yourself with a stronger, more reliable support system than you appear to have now. Sounds like your BF has healthy relationships, and he may be able to give you some perspective.

    Good luck and peace to you.

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      Fairhaired Child May 12, 2011, 4:01 pm

      I was surprised by that line too and the line “So at the time, when he did not want to compromise, it made me angry he was choosing a friend (that he hadn’t seen in a long time) over me.”

      I don’t think the boyfriend chose the friend over her, but she didnt even give him a CHANCE to compromise, and it wasnt like he was planning on ditching the LW, in fact it was the LW who was chosing her friend over doing something that her and her bf had already agreed to going to . She really needs to work on herself more and being able to trust other people, and even though she may not have a lot of really close friends, she shouldnt always be on the defense. It sounds like this could grow into some serious paranoia that could adversly affect her future.

      My grandmother was similar to this where she put so much emphasis on her husband, but didn’t really trust anyone else friends or otherwise. In fact when my grandfather died she refused to tell anyone where his grave was (including her own children) because she didn’t trust them. Even before that episode my mother had a very hard time connecting with her because of how my grandmother was always “ready for the next disappointment” as she used to say. Some way to live your life huh? Having a mother always doubting and ready for failure, sounds like the LW could be doing the same thing to her friends.

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    anna728 May 11, 2011, 9:50 pm

    I am glad to see this response. I am glad the LW was able to see how she came across the letter and own up to her part of the problem rather than write one of those angry updates we so often see. Sounds like after they talked more calmly everything was ok and the plan worked out for everyone.

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    SpaceySteph May 12, 2011, 3:20 am

    Aw yay, I’m glad you wrote back and I’m glad you’re not crazy. You seem quite thick-skinned and reasonable, so thanks for that. Replies like this make me glad I spend time on this board attempting to offer advice.

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      LTC039 May 12, 2011, 9:36 am

      Yeah, I think everyone has moments of “craziness” & I def. understand that! It’s good when you can reevaluate yourself & accept constructive criticism. Just as Wendy said!

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    Red_Lady May 12, 2011, 10:25 pm

    “It’s always nice when letter writers don’t get so overly defensive that they can’t hear the good intention of the advice given.”
    Haha, I sense some undertones in that statement, and I LOVE it!

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