Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Updates: “Visa to Disaster” Responds

It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today, we hear from “Visa to Disaster” who felt responsible for her best friend being exploited for a marriage visa after she introduced her to a foreign friend visiting from abroad. “I feel responsible for putting her in this crappy situation, knowing she doesn’t have the self-love to recognize that she deserves a man who will marry her, no strings attached,” she wrote. Keep reading to see whether the friend went through with the marriage and how everyone is doing now.

This story has a bittersweet ending. My friend’s divorce will be finalized soon after a year of pretty miserable marriage. Her husband did not appreciate her and would spend all his time on the internet looking at porn. He talked down to her frequently and constantly made her feel like she had to change who she was to make him happy. He moved back to his home country last month. The bright side of this situation is that my friend has learned that she deserves much better, and she finally has some self-esteem. She knows what she wants now and is not willing to settle for less. It is disappointing that she had to learn the hard way, but I think she will be much happier from now on.

 
I guess all’s well that ends well, right? I hope you don’t still blame yourself for what happened, and I hope your friend has learned to love herself first and will be more judicious in future relationships. Thanks so much for the update.

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If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at [email protected] with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.

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13 comments… add one
  • avatar

    lets_be_honest March 14, 2013, 1:58 pm

    If you get divorced, you lose the visa? I’m surprised he gave up so easily. If I went through tricking someone into marrying me just to live in a country, I can’t imagine being so willing to divorce.
    Happy ending though!!

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    • avatar

      Grilledcheesecalliope March 14, 2013, 2:03 pm

      Maybe getting citizenship was harder than he thought and he decided it wasn’t worth it.

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      • avatar

        Christy March 14, 2013, 2:45 pm

        My friend’s husband just got his citizenship from El Salvador and they got married 5 years ago. It was a hellish process.

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  • avatar

    Riefer March 14, 2013, 2:38 pm

    Thank goodness they didn’t have any kids! She’s still young, sucks to have a divorce already but at least she’s free now and she can find someone who’s right for her.

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  • avatar

    oldie March 14, 2013, 3:27 pm

    It would be nice if the ending really is as happy as described. I question that LW’s friend now has good self-esteem. Recognizing that one guy you married is a total bastard who only married you for a green card and cares about you not a whit, really isn’t any indication that she now has enough self-esteem not to get back into an equally bad situation. It happens all the time with second marriages, perhaps because anything better than the awful just experienced seems pretty good by comparison and most guys are good at putting on an act until they’ve trapped the woman. I’d think that being treated for a year as LW’s friend has been treated would end up reducing, rather than elevating, her self esteem.

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  • avatar

    sarolabelle March 14, 2013, 3:32 pm

    Wow, I love updates from two years ago!

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    • avatar

      lets_be_honest March 14, 2013, 3:37 pm

      2 years ago? Man, times flies!

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    • katie

      katie March 14, 2013, 7:34 pm

      Seriously!! So cool.

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  • bittergaymark

    bittergaymark March 14, 2013, 6:31 pm

    Eh, I’d distance myself from your friend. She hasn’t learned a thing, I suspect — and the next guy? He’ll probably on be even worse. Oh, I suppose I could be wrong here. So give her the benefit of the doubt if you want… But the very next time she introduces you to Mr. Not-so-Wonderful? Head for the hills and don’t look back. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it think…

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    • avatar

      oldie March 14, 2013, 6:55 pm

      Yeah, no learning here. Reading the update more carefully, the LW’s gf didn’t leave the emotionally abusive, uninterested-in-her loser, he left her and returned home.

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    • kare

      kare March 14, 2013, 11:04 pm

      Well technically she introduced Mr. Not-so-Wonderful to her friend, knowing he was looking for a green card bride and knowing that her friend was lonely and desperate. So um…I’m guessing the LW didn’t tip off anyone investigating the legitimacy of the marriage? Way to do your part as an American citizen. So awesome to support abuse of the system when people are actually struggling to obtain their citizenship legally.

      Wow I am really bitter today….sorry, LW, I’m sure you’re a nice person and want your friend to be happy. Just make better decisions next time.

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      • avatar

        MsMisery March 15, 2013, 12:58 pm

        Exactly. And why WOULDN’T the LW not still blame herself for this mess? Everyone else did at the time, including Wendy? I mean, heck, it was only one brutal, hellish year out of her friend’s life. Only a sham (and kinda abusive) marriage where *maybe* she learned something about life, love, and herself…

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  • avatar

    ReginaRey March 15, 2013, 9:24 am

    It’s kind of mind-blowing how much shit some people have to wade through to realize that they should be asking for much, much more, but I’m glad that your friend is finally finding some consciousness.

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