Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Updates: “Waiting To Hear The Words” Responds

It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing today. After the jump, we hear from “Waiting To Hear The Words” who was tired of waiting for her boyfriend of seven months to say “I love you” and wondered if she should say it to him first. “My fear is this: if he doesn’t say it back, I might revert to the insecure, unstable girl that I [once] was. I don’t want the constant anxiety and tears, always thinking that I’m not good enough to be loved. What should I do?” Find out what she decided after the jump.

Thanks so much for your advice. I realized that thinking everything to death comes from a place of insecurity and only causes unnecessary stress. I believe I’m at a point in my life where I’m strong enough to tell someone that I love them, simply because I feel it, and not because I need to hear it back. I also took into consideration one reader’s comment about the “Languages of Love.” My boyfriend shows his love for me in so many ways; he makes me feel cherished and considered at every turn. And since words are MY language of love, I decided to just go ahead and express myself. His response was… “Me too”… Which was disappointing, I have to admit. But he’s still there for me in all the wonderful ways he was before. So, I just have to remind myself that people show love in their own ways and in their own time. And right now I’m totally excited about the Valentine’s date we have planned 🙂

Right on.

If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at wendy@dearwendy.com with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.

26 comments… add one
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    demoiselle February 11, 2011, 10:42 am

    Sounds like “Me too” IS “I love you…”

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      delilahgem February 11, 2011, 11:04 am

      Yeah, it’s not actually “I love you, too” but it’s the same message.

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    WatersEdge February 11, 2011, 10:55 am

    Not a bad response! Sounds like he’s an Acts of Service love language guy.

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    MissDre February 11, 2011, 11:06 am

    This was my letter. Yes, he’s definitely an acts of service guy. He brings me groceries, picks me up from the mechanic at 7am on a saturday, cooks if I ask, drives me to the airport, cleans the snow off my car, helps me take my cats to the vet, rubs my shoulders… all those kinda things. I guess because I like words, I just wanted to hear “I’m in love with you!”

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      Wolvie_girl February 11, 2011, 11:24 am

      I came from a very “lovey-speak” home, my parents told me every day that they loved me. I, like you, felt I needed to hear the words.

      My BF of almost 4 years grew up in a MUCH different environment, and I knew from start that daily declarations of love weren’t in my future with this man. I made a conscience decision to wait for him to get to a place of love in our relationship and prove that love to me in his own way because I felt he was worth the wait. Turned out, I was right! He has told me he loves me many times now, but it’s not every day or even every week. But like your guy, he SHOWS me every day how much he loves me: he checks my oil and tires before I go on a trip, he reminds me throughout the day of things he knows I will forget, he leaves me “just because” cards, he takes genuine delight in my successes, he makes me laugh when I feel cranky…I’ve learned from him that the act of loving someone is more important that the words!

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        Amy February 11, 2011, 11:28 am

        They sound like keepers!

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        sarolabelle February 11, 2011, 11:41 am

        How long did it take for him to say the words?

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        Wolvie_girl February 11, 2011, 11:47 am

        I actually can’t really remember, I’m thinking it was at least a year in. I knew that he loved me long before he actually said it, so the first time I “heard the words” doesn’t really stick out in my memory so much now. What I think was the turning point in our relationship was actually a conversation we had about a year in where I kinda needed him to “give me something to go on” if you know what I mean. I expressed my fear that because he was so independant, I worried if we broke up that he would just go on with his life and be perfectly fine, and he quickly set me straight. I can’t rememer the first time he said “I love you” but I will never forget when I knew he loved me: he said “If you left me today I would be devastated” From that point on, I knew!

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        sarolabelle February 11, 2011, 12:37 pm

        AWWW! That’s sweet. I don’t know if my boyfriend and I are ready for a talk like that. It has been about 6 months. I’ll just roll with it right now. I would love to hear that he would be devesated to lose me though. That’s deep.

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        Wolvie_girl February 11, 2011, 1:21 pm

        There were times during that first year together where I thought “If he was the right one for me, he would know it and tell me, I shoud just move on and find someone who is head over heels for me”. Every time I had those thoughts, I told myself what an amazing person he was, and that the connection I felt was real. I didn’t tell him I loved him before he told me. I just trusted my gut that we were right together, and that my patience would be rewarded. I encourage you to do this Saro, because if he is worth the wait, you will be soooo glad that you gave him the space to fall for you on his own. (and then he will be devastated to lose you!)

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        MissDre February 11, 2011, 1:32 pm

        Sometimes I feel like that too… that I should ask him where things are going and if he sees this as long term/serious etc, because if we’re not on the same page I should get out and find somebody else. But like you, I tell myself that he’s amazing and remind myself how well he treats me and how happy I am when we’re together. So I’m just gonna chill and let him go at his own pace.

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        sarolabelle February 11, 2011, 1:58 pm

        My thought is that if he didn’t want to be with you he wouldn’t. Just like you probably wouldn’t go out with a guy you didn’t see a future with.

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        Wolvie_girl February 11, 2011, 2:05 pm

        Exactly!

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        thefierycrash February 11, 2011, 7:26 pm

        thanks for this letter, missdre. i’m in the same sort of situation with my boyfriend of a year and a half. in a drunken stupor one night i cried “…and you don’t love me?!” and he said “i don’t know, i don’t know what love is…” yikes. i haven’t brought myself to say it but by his actions i suppose i assumed he did… (we all know what assuming does). the thing is, he can talk about the future– our future– with no problem, i just wonder why he can’t decide if he does or not? do you REALLY not know?? coming from an affectionate family, it’s hard for me not to hear words of affirmation (i’m physical touch/words of affirmation lol). sigh. i’ve had to tell myself to just relax and let things develop as they will. if he didn’t want to be with me, he wouldn’t be– like he’s told me and like sarolabelle said! best of luck to you darling.

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        MissDre February 11, 2011, 10:03 pm

        I understand how you feel, it’s so hard not to hear the words. And when people say “he wouldn’t be with you if he didn’t love you,” it doesn’t do much to reassure me. I’ve heard of plenty of guys who stayed with a girl because they liked her a lot and it was convenient, but they knew they’d never marry her. So it makes me nervous.

        But this is what I tell myself… “Maktub!” It means, “It is written!”. Things happen for a reason and they will work out as they are supposed to. If our men treat us well and make us happy, we shouldn’t torture ourselves by worrying about how they feel.

        I hope your guy will tell you soon. Maybe he has been hurt and he’s feeling cautious. If he talks about the future, that is a good sign!

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        Thefierycrash February 12, 2011, 1:21 am

        Yeah, he will talk about getting married, kids, moving in together, we’ve traveled the world together and … You don’t KNOW if you love me?! It’s disheartening and hard to hear. He said he was young when he said it before… I guess I can take comfort in knowing if and when he does say it, he really means it. At the same time, I know what you mean about the staying with someone for convenience and because they are right for right now. I also think guys tend to make future plans based on how they feel in the moment and not so much on their intention to fulfill those hypothetical plans. But I’m somewhat of a cynic and overthinker and I know this is why I’m having such a hard time with his uncertainty. I need answers that make sense! To be honest I’ve made a mental timeline that if by 2 years he still doesn’t know, then he probably never will love me and we will have to seriously rethink our relationship. Which makes me sad but one can only go so long with such strong unrequited feelings :/ keep us updated, I’d love to hear how things go for you two:)

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        delilahgem February 11, 2011, 11:51 am

        I agree with the act of loving someone is more important than the words. (although the words are wonderful to hear) We tell each other all the time, and make sure we show it, which is what I think counts.

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        MiraGeauxRound February 11, 2011, 1:46 pm

        Wolvie_girl I came from the same type of home so when I dated a guy though who would always tell me that he loved me but never showed it, I believed it. I always thought that someone wouldn’t say it unless they meant it. But then I got with my mow-fiance who rarely says it but shows it all the time. I had a conversation with him about it and his words were, “You can’t already tell in the things i do?’ He, much like you and Miss Dre’s guy, is an Acts of Service type of person. Everyone’s upbringing is very different and that’s definitely something to keep in mind with relationships. I wish you the best of luck in your relationship Miss Dre. 🙂

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        MissDre February 11, 2011, 1:50 pm

        Thanks 🙂 Congrats to you and your fiance!

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        demoiselle February 11, 2011, 2:12 pm

        Maybe at some point in your relationship, you could talk to him about how important it is to you to hear the words sometimes, and you could ask to make a ritual of saying “I love you” to each other at a specific time every day (before going to bed, or something like that). For those who grow up in a family where “I love you” is rarely said, it might be hard to know WHEN to say the words.

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      Spark February 11, 2011, 12:19 pm

      I’m with you, LW. Sometimes a girl just needs to hear it. I know guys may express things differently, but it’s still hard not to FEEL hurt that he can’t express it in your language of love.

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    Giancarla February 11, 2011, 12:22 pm

    Not every guy is vocal about their feelings. From my experience, even him saying “me too” says A LOT already, especially when he backs it up with actions.

    I’ll give you an example. My previous bf was big on saying “I Love You” but his actions never backed it up. As many times as he said it, I never believed him. Words are one thing, actions really do speak louder because it takes more effort.

    I lucked out in that my current boyfriend is very vocal about his love for me both in words and actions. Even if he didn’t tell me he loved me everyday, his actions and how he looks at me tell me all the time. For me, that’s more important.

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      MissDre February 11, 2011, 1:29 pm

      My fear when he said “me too” was that it was just something to say because he felt awkward and didn’t want to say it back. But I’m trying to be cool about it, because like I said he treats me like a princess. So I think we’re doing ok. But like every girl, I’ve had my heartbroken in the past and sometimes those fears come back and nag you.

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        cdj0815 February 14, 2011, 10:07 am

        I can understand how you feel. I always think about the movie “Ghost” when I hear of someone’s inability to say “I Love You”. What did Patrick Swayze (Sam?)character say, “Ditto”. I can live with that, and I can live with “Me too”.

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  • becboo84

    BecBoo84 February 11, 2011, 4:48 pm

    I loved this update. Way to face your fears and just tell the guy how you were feeling!

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    sarolabelle February 14, 2011, 11:51 am

    Hey everyone on this thread. My boyfriend and I were talking about this subject and he suggested I listen to the song “Me Too” by Toby Keith. He’s says that explains a lot about how guys think and behave and it DOES! Here are the lyrics:

    If i send you roses for no reason at all
    If,out of the blue,i stop and give you a call
    Once in a while,it’s breakfast in bed
    And then pull the covers back up over our heads
    If i call in sick just to stay home with you
    I want you to know why i do what i do
    It’s my way of sayin’ what i can’t express
    But i want you to know,girl,i’m doin’ my best

    Oh,i’m just a man,that’s the way i was made
    I’m not too good at sayin’ what you need me to say
    It’s always right there on the tip of my tongue
    It might go unsaid,but it won’t go undone
    So when those three little words come so easy to you
    I hope you know what i mean when i say,me too

    If you should wake up and catch me watchin’ you sleep
    And i break the silence by kissin’ your cheek
    If i whisper somethin’you don’t understand
    Don’t make me repeat it,i don’t know if i can

    Me too,me too,hope you know what i mean when i say
    Me too,me too

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