Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Updates: “Wife Fluffer” Responds

It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today, we hear from “Wife Fluffer” who worried about being in a pattern of boyfriends dumping her for their exes. Keep reading for an update.

When I read your response, I started to pay attention to my reactions to the advice and realized how insecure I really am. I have avoided talking about past relationships because I was afraid that talking about other guys would scare a new guy off. I also realized that I have a lot of trouble determining whether my gut is telling me something or my insecurities are holding me back from pursuing something good. When my ex and I first started dating, I had major hesitations because of how recent/serious his last relationship was. My friends convinced me I was just being insecure and scared, and to continue to pursue it–as it turns out, my gut isn’t half-bad; I just need to trust that I know the difference between red flags and irrational fears.

I adore my friends and they’re wonderful people, but you and your commenters helped me realize that, as I get older and understand the world around me a little better than I did when I was younger, I need to trust my own instincts.

I’ve spent the past few weeks trying to get in touch with therapists in my area so I can work through this and some other issues. “Trust your instincts” is excellent advice, but I think actually putting that and other self-improvements into practice will take a bit of professional help as well.

When I wrote that letter a few weeks ago, things were still very fresh and I was miserable. I’m happy to say that I haven’t cried in about two weeks, I’ve stopped having imaginary conversations with my ex in the shower, and I’m laughing and appreciating life again. I still get bummed out sometimes, but the good days are far outnumbering the difficult ones.

Lots of love,
Wife Fluffer (Wendy, I can’t tell you how much this nickname cracked me up!)

PS: Here are a few clarifications you mentioned you weren’t sure about. I’m 28. The four guys mentioned were of varying levels of seriousness. In addition to the one I talked about in my letter, one was a brand new relationship (actually the most difficult yet–he never told me about this ex, and on my birthday she called him to tell him she was pregnant with his baby), one was a guy I had been dating for a few months, and the other I was with for a little over a year.

 
It’s always nice when the imaginary conversations with exes in the shower stop happening. Thanks for the update, and good luck to you!

***************

If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at wendy@dearwendy.com with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.

You can follow me on Facebook here and sign up for my weekly newsletter here.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

41 comments… add one
  • landygirl

    landygirl November 12, 2013, 1:11 pm

    This is a great update.

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      lets_be_honest November 12, 2013, 1:14 pm

      What, no facepalm?

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    karenwalker November 12, 2013, 1:39 pm

    Great update! Glad to hear you’re taking steps to help you improve your ability to trust your instincts and to improve yourself. You go girl!

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    kerrycontrary November 12, 2013, 1:43 pm

    Great update! I do think it is hard to stop taking your friends advice, especially when your gut is telling you something completely opposite. Now I just listen to my gut and it hasn’t steered me wrong since!

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    Taylor November 12, 2013, 2:04 pm

    Great update! And this –> “Trust your instincts” is excellent advice, but I think actually putting that and other self-improvements into practice will take a bit of professional help as well. <– is so true for a lot of us!

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  • Fabelle

    Fabelle November 12, 2013, 2:04 pm

    I love this update so hard.

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    • Fabelle

      Fabelle November 12, 2013, 2:05 pm

      Also, yeah, imaginary conversations with exes (& other people with whom you feel you can’t ~really~ say the things you want to at?) in the shower are universal, yes? I also have them in my car.

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        Tax Geek November 12, 2013, 2:09 pm

        Glad I’m not the only one.

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        rachel November 12, 2013, 2:11 pm

        I have imaginary conversations with people all the time in my head. The shower is nice for having them out loud.

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      • veritek33

        veritek33 November 12, 2013, 2:24 pm

        I’m pretty sure I have imaginary conversations in the shower every day. I also have them in my head while running. Then I sometimes end up angry running….

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        Banana November 12, 2013, 2:25 pm

        I do this all the time. I caught me a bad case of the writes and now I just turn them into stories.

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson November 12, 2013, 2:27 pm

        Absolutely universal. It’s such a great way to get closure. Closure needs to come from within more often than not, and it feels really good to get to say what you want to say. I have most of these conversations while running.

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        rachel November 12, 2013, 2:43 pm

        Also, sometimes I do this while I’m walking outside, and I’ll realize that I’m actually moving my lips and then I get paranoid that I look like a crazy person.

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle November 12, 2013, 2:49 pm

        Ah, YES! sometimes I’m so into it, I do the moving my lips thing! hahaha. & then I have to be like, “okay, imaginary ex, we’ll pick up on this later, because right now I look insane.”

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      • TaraMonster

        TaraMonster November 12, 2013, 3:11 pm

        Or the facial expressions. I catch myself frowning because I’m telling someone off in my head, and then, in reality, I’m glaring at a small child who is staring at me with their mouth open. It’s always a kid! Why is it always a damn kid?!

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        Tax Geek November 12, 2013, 3:44 pm

        Glad I’m not the only one…

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson November 12, 2013, 3:57 pm

        Also, let me just say, I have the BEST come backs when I’m talking to someone and they’re not there.

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle November 12, 2013, 4:16 pm

        Same here (although I definitely imagine the other person setting me up PERFECTLY, so that makes it a bit easier to have the perfect comeback…)

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        ktfran November 12, 2013, 2:50 pm

        Yep. Shower and walking. It’s when I usually have these conversations. Also, I like crying in the shower.

        Although today, I keep crying at my desk. The tears won’t stop. Maybe I should go home.

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        rachel November 12, 2013, 2:57 pm

        Yeah, crying in the shower can be really therapeutic. You should go home, take a long hot shower, have a shower beer, and cry. *hugs*

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson November 12, 2013, 3:13 pm

        Shower beers are THE BEST.

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        Banana November 12, 2013, 3:45 pm

        I didn’t even know shower beers were a thing.

        My life is inestimably improved.

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson November 12, 2013, 3:55 pm

        I feel like it’s just the ultimate alone time you know? I mean I guess unless you’re showering with somebody else while drinking, which is its own brand of fun. But in college it was my favorite thing to do on game day. You wake up, open a beer, drink it in the shower and come out with your game face on.

        Now it’s more likely to be after a long day of work. Sometimes I shower after particularly rough days just for the alone time. No dog wanting a milkbone, no boyfriend asking me what’s wrong, no pressure to cook or clean, nada. Just me and my shower beer. Bonding. It’s almost romantic.

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      • Copa

        Copa November 12, 2013, 4:05 pm

        We called it BITS in college. (Beer In The Shower) Were we just “clever” or is this what other people with other friends and at other schools called it, too?

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        Banana November 12, 2013, 4:17 pm

        You guys I have a bunch of Guinness at home because I bought it for Banano’s birthday dinner and then WHOOPS forgot to give him the leftovers so now they’re mine. But I don’t think Guinness sounds like the ideal shower beer. But now I really want a beer, any beer. I have about fifteen things that are all due RIGHT NOW and people keep walking into my fucking office asking me fucking questions and I want to scream “Do you realize that what you’re talking about doing is so much less important than what I’m trying to do right now that they’re PRACTICALLY NOT ON THE SAME PLANET?!” and then I feel like a dick for thinking that. One of my colleagues was just sitting in my office asking me an inane question about something she was supposed to do LAST WEEK and still hasn’t and complaining about how she can’t open a file I sent her even though it’s a standard file and she probably just can’t figure out where she saved it. And she’s a SLOW TALKER. So I had to sit there for ages while she figured out what she even wanted to say to me and then I felt bad for being mad at her because I’m a slow talker too sometimes because my migraines have fucked up my brain but I don’t want to have to stay here an extra half hour tonight because I spent half an hour waiting for her to complete a sentence when I could have been working on something else and while I’m on the topic I should be working RIGHT NOW but I just bloody well can’t until I get this off my chest.

        Shower beer.

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        TECH November 12, 2013, 4:33 pm

        Man, after reading all these comments, I have a serious hankering for a beer. Do you ever get a really intense craving for a certain drink? I would imagine this is what full blown alcoholism feels like — intense craving for a drink to the point you feel extremely uncomfortable until you have one.

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        rachel November 12, 2013, 5:32 pm

        I hate slow talkers. My boss isn’t necessarily a slow talker, but he hesitates a lot, and I end up interjecting and finishing his sentences. I hope it doesn’t annoy him as much as it does me, haha.

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        bethany November 12, 2013, 3:47 pm

        A Corona in the shower at the beach is my own personal heaven.

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        lets_be_honest November 12, 2013, 3:52 pm

        I would like to move there forever.

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        Banana November 12, 2013, 7:31 pm

        OH MY GOD YOU GUYS!

        Naked beer. I think I just invited naked beer? Which is kind of like those kids who feel like they just invented sex. Yeah, it’s great you just discovered the awesomeness of that thing that EVERYONE’S BEEN DOING ALWAYS.

        Naked beer is when you say fuck it at 7pm, I’m going to finish this project in the comfort of my own home, so you head home to spend your evening working and you take off all your stuffy work clothes before you realize that all your comfy clothes are in the hamper along with your duvet cover, which was the collateral damage of an especially vigorous session of sex the night before. So you sit in your room with the beer you carried up with you, naked, thinking you should do laundry and/or put some clothes on and/or do some of that work you came home to do, and maybe cook a nutritious dinner but probably just have cheese and crackers.

        NAKED BEER

        please comment to validate my life choices.

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson November 12, 2013, 7:36 pm

        Validated. Now get your ass in the shower and rinse the day off of you.

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        Banana November 12, 2013, 7:48 pm

        Naked Beer and I thank you for your support.

        COMPLICATION: my roommate just got home with her FWB. The Naked Beer party now has to remain behind my closed door. I have two options: put some clothes on and venture forth. Or run out of my room screaming NAKED BEER! and then jump into the shower without further explanation.

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      • Cassie

        CassieB November 12, 2013, 10:41 pm

        Why do roommates always have to rain on the Naked Beer Parade?!

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        ktfran November 12, 2013, 4:12 pm

        Ok, I need to try this shower and beer thing. Why haven’t I? Tonight is as good as night as any. Or this afternoon . . .

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      • kare

        kare November 12, 2013, 8:32 pm

        So I’ve never had a shower beer, but sometimes I take a bubble bath and drink Malibu from the bottle. As long as it’s a glass bottle it’s still classy, right?

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      • mylaray

        mylaray November 12, 2013, 2:58 pm

        This reminded me that apparently a shower is the best way to get over a creative block (there’s science behind it, so it must be true). I have all kinda of thoughts and ideas in the shower.

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    Banana November 12, 2013, 2:28 pm

    I freaking LOVE it when people who ask for advice actually TAKE IT!

    You can do it, LW! You’re taking the right steps — and the first and most important one is realizing you can work on yourself! It’s a process, and we’re all in it. Even your past relationships, which made you so unhappy you had to write in, are part of the journey of figuring out what relationship you want and deserve.

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    Morgan November 12, 2013, 6:25 pm

    Dear Wife Fluffer,

    I like you. I don’t know if you’re a regular or not, but you should stick around!

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      feelingroovy November 12, 2013, 9:23 pm

      LW here 🙂

      I’m a regular reader but I only comment when I feel like I have something helpful to add, which is a rarity. I’ll be sure to pop in more often.

      Really, I can’t thank you guys enough for the advice… and for all of the kind words in the comments here, too!

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        Banana November 12, 2013, 9:30 pm

        OMG I feel like I just spotted a celebrity! Yay, good luck LW! You rock! Seriously, your update is so awesome and I think we’re all genuinely proud of you. Now join the naked beer party.

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        feelingroovy November 12, 2013, 10:37 pm

        Naked beer? COUNT ME IN.

        I also loved me some shower beers back in college.

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