It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today, we hear from “Wife Fluffer” who worried about being in a pattern of boyfriends dumping her for their exes. Keep reading for an update.
When I read your response, I started to pay attention to my reactions to the advice and realized how insecure I really am. I have avoided talking about past relationships because I was afraid that talking about other guys would scare a new guy off. I also realized that I have a lot of trouble determining whether my gut is telling me something or my insecurities are holding me back from pursuing something good. When my ex and I first started dating, I had major hesitations because of how recent/serious his last relationship was. My friends convinced me I was just being insecure and scared, and to continue to pursue it–as it turns out, my gut isn’t half-bad; I just need to trust that I know the difference between red flags and irrational fears.
I adore my friends and they’re wonderful people, but you and your commenters helped me realize that, as I get older and understand the world around me a little better than I did when I was younger, I need to trust my own instincts.
I’ve spent the past few weeks trying to get in touch with therapists in my area so I can work through this and some other issues. “Trust your instincts” is excellent advice, but I think actually putting that and other self-improvements into practice will take a bit of professional help as well.
When I wrote that letter a few weeks ago, things were still very fresh and I was miserable. I’m happy to say that I haven’t cried in about two weeks, I’ve stopped having imaginary conversations with my ex in the shower, and I’m laughing and appreciating life again. I still get bummed out sometimes, but the good days are far outnumbering the difficult ones.
Lots of love,
Wife Fluffer (Wendy, I can’t tell you how much this nickname cracked me up!)
PS: Here are a few clarifications you mentioned you weren’t sure about. I’m 28. The four guys mentioned were of varying levels of seriousness. In addition to the one I talked about in my letter, one was a brand new relationship (actually the most difficult yet–he never told me about this ex, and on my birthday she called him to tell him she was pregnant with his baby), one was a guy I had been dating for a few months, and the other I was with for a little over a year.
It’s always nice when the imaginary conversations with exes in the shower stop happening. Thanks for the update, and good luck to you!
If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at email@example.com with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.